I referred her to a trauma therapist with high hopes, but all it seems to have done is increase her already strong sense of victimization.
I can relate to this. My father had encouraged his wife (my mom) to see a counsellor their entire married life. uBPD mom's father was a violent man who abused his wife and every child they had. After my father passed, mom's BPD really took over (probably triggered by feelings of abandonment after his passing as she would have been reminded of the death of her mother when she was 14), so I gently encouraged her a few times to see a counsellor. She finally went once. She came back pretty upset "at all the horrible things the counsellor said to her". She stated the counsellor had told her "she didn't need to see a counsellor, and she had a wonderful daughter who could be her counsellor". I never for a moment believed any of this. But the message of obligation being imposed on me was clear. I never took the hook on that fishing line. This happened a decade before I became enlightened on BPD. Seeing the counsellor
oncekind of put her in an indignant rage. She also said "Counsellors are horrible people". So like you, I would concur that the experience also increased my mom's feeling of victimization. It is my understanding that this is not uncommon with pwBPD.
She doesn't typically self-harm, fortunately (although she did threaten suicide last summer), but she is very angry and resentful. I wrestle with how to respond to her, knowing that my words will almost certainly be taken out of context and twisted. I don't know how to convey loving boundaries, eg, "It is not acceptable for you to raise your voice to me." I'm done trying to emotionally support her; it was exhausting and it just plain didn't work. I have half a dozen unsent letters on the Notes app of my phone because I just ultimately feel like there's no point trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is so irrational.
Are you already familiar with the resources on this site? When I first landed here almost two years ago, I participated in the forum for a long time, before I really found the resources and tools for navigating a BPD relationship. "How to get the most out of this site" was a great place to start for me. For the problem of "I wrestle with how to respond to her..." I would suggest to focus on JADE (or more accurately
notJADEing). Not JADEing has been a critical skill for me to learn. For the "It is not acceptable for you to..." part, I would recommend an "I statement" something like "Mom sometimes I feel (scared/upset/fearful) of you when you raise your voice to me. It is not OK to yell at other people because you are upset. This is not respectful. Next time you do this, I will have to leave the situation." "I statements" have a formula something like this: "I feel...when you...Please...". The key then is the next time it happens, to follow through on your own boundary i.e. leave the situation (walk away). It's a hard thing to do because we've been behaviorally trained to listen and take care of them without knowing it. But if we don't follow through on our own boundaries, they won't work. Expect "words" when we follow through on our boundaries, and then give them time to soothe their own feelings. In the beginning there will likely be an extinction burst, but if we keep our own boundaries, it will get better.
In addition to the book titles you mentioned, I found "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" invaluable. It was recommended by my T. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great book to start with. For me it was a very readable introduction to BPD. Loving Someone with BPD was a stage 2 book for me, and so very helpful in terms of both education of BPD, and strategies and examples for navigating a BPD relationship (more indepth). Used together with the tools on "how to get the most out of this site", it can get better.
The lesson in all this is we have to stop having expectations of the person, and wanting the type of relationship they aren't capable of giving. We can't change their personality, or control their behavior, the only thing we can really change is how we think/act/react. Let us know how it is going.
There are a number of people on this board who have difficult BPD in-laws. You are not alone.
