Ex-partner has full-blown BPD and doesn't know it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I just broke up with a partner--who I found out during and towards the end of our relationship--had full-blown BPD.  We were together about 3 years ago, and broke up then.  When she reached out 2 months ago, I was also recovering from a separation/divorce, and obviously had been longing for love. She insisted that we saw each other, and, I gave in. It felt so good when she started telling me all these loving things.  It felt so good and so real.  This went on for a few weeks--the "I love you so much, you don't even know", the buying me presents and being very loving to my family, going overboard to demonstrate love, cancelling her other commitments just to be with me, taking good care of me when I was ill, etc. Again, it felt SO GOOD.  I have never been loved so much in my entire life.
And then it started.
I noticed how she would be overly jealous of random acquaintances, how she would be so unusually curious or worried about where I was or what I was doing, why I didn't respond to her texts within a few seconds or minutes, etc.
Then it got worse. All that I would say or do, she started to interpret negatively. Even when none of it was malicious, none of it was meant to be offensive.
We would talk happily on the phone or in person at night, and early the next morning, she would be texting me how I was very offensive and belittling, etc. Even regular small jokes were real to her. And then the next minute, she would be texting me about how sorry she was with what bad stuff she just texted me 2 minutes ago, saying that she  was so, very sorry, and to please not abandon her because she would "surely die".  Then after these 2 emotions of anger and being sorry, she would be very angry again, now breaking up with me all of a sudden. All this happening all the same morning. And all in texts.
You could just clearly see the mental illness in all of it.
I was so suffocated that I felt so relieved to have broken up with her, but at the same time very sad because my "dream love" is now gone. What I thought was mine to keep is gone all of a sudden.

After a couple of weeks, she called, crying, saying that we should at least be friends. I agreed. But I still was walking on eggshells, being extremely careful of what I would say. Because at this point, everything that would come out of my mouth, she would have a negative interpretation of. We were no longer intimate.
 
Midnight, I woke up, because I heard my phone vibrating--it was her texting me, saying that she will not see me because she was not yet ready. I let it go till the morning and I texted back, saying "I'm sad".  So today, I decided to not respond to her text anymore. I feel very upset right now, but it just gave me reassurance now that I should really not communicate with her. Or should I? How do I respond to this? Anything that I say makes her think that I am investigating her, I am controlling her, I being passive-aggressive (this is when I keep my cool and just say some random calm stuff), etc.

What do I say? How do I respond? Explaining myself obviously has not worked. Making myself look like I'm a sorry individual will surely look pathetic, so I'm not about to do that.
Or maybe I should just disappear?

She has all (or 8 out of 9)BPD traits. Such a classic case. I feel sorry for her. I have feelings for her but I know I deserve better. I would like for us to remain friends but I don't know if this friendship will work out.

Please let me know how to properly respond to her crazy reactions.
Thanks

[4_04]

I just broke up with a partner--who I found out during and towards the end of our relationship--had full-blown BPD.  We were together about 3 years ago, and broke up then.  When she reached out 2 months ago, I was also recovering from a separation/divorce, and obviously had been longing for love. She insisted that we saw each other, and, I gave in. It felt so good when she started telling me all these loving things.  It felt so good and so real.  This went on for a few weeks--the "I love you so much, you don't even know", the buying me presents and being very loving to my family, going overboard to demonstrate love, cancelling her other commitments just to be with me, taking good care of me when I was ill, etc. Again, it felt SO GOOD.  I have never been loved so much in my entire life.
And then it started.
I noticed how she would be overly jealous of random acquaintances, how she would be so unusually curious or worried about where I was or what I was doing, why I didn't respond to her texts within a few seconds or minutes, etc.
Then it got worse. All that I would say or do, she started to interpret negatively. Even when none of it was malicious, none of it was meant to be offensive.
We would talk happily on the phone or in person at night, and early the next morning, she would be texting me how I was very offensive and belittling, etc. Even regular small jokes were real to her. And then the next minute, she would be texting me about how sorry she was with what bad stuff she just texted me 2 minutes ago, saying that she  was so, very sorry, and to please not abandon her because she would "surely die".  Then after these 2 emotions of anger and being sorry, she would be very angry again, now breaking up with me all of a sudden. All this happening all the same morning. And all in texts.
You could just clearly see the mental illness in all of it.
I was so suffocated that I felt so relieved to have broken up with her, but at the same time very sad because my "dream love" is now gone. What I thought was mine to keep is gone all of a sudden.

After a couple of weeks, she called, crying, saying that we should at least be friends. I agreed. But I still was walking on eggshells, being extremely careful of what I would say. Because at this point, everything that would come out of my mouth, she would have a negative interpretation of. We were no longer intimate.
 
Midnight, I woke up, because I heard my phone vibrating--it was her texting me, saying that she will not see me because she was not yet ready. I let it go till the morning and I texted back, saying "I'm sad".  So today, I decided to not respond to her text anymore. I feel very upset right now, but it just gave me reassurance now that I should really not communicate with her. Or should I? How do I respond to this? Anything that I say makes her think that I am investigating her, I am controlling her, I being passive-aggressive (this is when I keep my cool and just say some random calm stuff), etc.

What do I say? How do I respond? Explaining myself obviously has not worked. Making myself look like I'm a sorry individual will surely look pathetic, so I'm not about to do that.
Or maybe I should just disappear?

She has all (or 8 out of 9)BPD traits. Such a classic case. I feel sorry for her. I have feelings for her but I know I deserve better. I would like for us to remain friends but I don't know if this friendship will work out.

Please let me know how to properly respond to her crazy reactions.
Thanks

[Sappho11]

Sorry that you're having a hard time. It sucks. Most of the things you mention, i. e. the initial high, the rumination about simple conversations, swinging back and forth between anger, fear and affection, high volatility etc. are hallmarks of the illness, and almost every poster here seems to have a similar story. (Good/bad news, you're not alone.)

There are a couple of resources on this site. The people here on the Detaching board aren't very optimistic (and in our cases, mostly for good reason).

My two cents, if you want this to go on, you need to learn to be validating towards her without being enabling. A large part of it will be, from my perspective, to be the responsible adult to her emotional inner child. It's a curious relationship dynamic, and one that has many potential pitfalls, but some people appear to be able to pull it off.

Boundaries are important. If you want to continue, you've got to make self-care your top priority, or you'll be sucked into her vortex of drama in no time. It sounds counter-intuitive, but before you can help her, you need to be able to help yourself and be 100% grounded in yourself and what you want.

Then you've got to decide whether you want to go on or not. If you don't, extricating yourself from the situation and going no-contact might be an option. Trying to be friends is difficult enough for mentally healthy people, and IMHO an impossibility for someone with BPD. But that's just my opinion.

[4_04]

Hi Sappho, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I feel so alone in this, having no one I can tell my story to. It's so hard to break up with someone who gave you the best love you can ever experience in your life. But at the same time, like you said, if I go on with this, it will be a life full of drama. My ex is a very intelligent, and very consciously manipulative at the same time (she told me one time, "I manipulated you into doing this, hahaha..."). And me, despite of being aware of all her manipulative behaviors and hopeless negative interpretations of anything and everything that I do, I still can't stop thinking about her. I think it's because of that strange extreme love that she gave me. I now question that if it was all real.

So now, I think maybe I should not go on anymore. But what do I do if she calls or texts again? I know I will be so excited and answer her call right away. Maybe I should decline her calls and texts. I feel like I want to help her so much, but this will just put such drama and stress on me.  I enjoy her friendship, but not the part where she would turn around all of a sudden and tell me that I have tried to do something to her (control her, investigate her, etc.) I don't know how to talk to her anymore.

Right now, I think I just need to recover. I have no one to talk to about it...

[IntoTheWind]

Hey, I can't tell you not to go or not go back, only you know what you should do.

Reading the stories that other people have gone through on this forum helped a lot, I saw so many similar stories to mine, it's like they're all reading from the same guidebook. You should learn about their behaviours, it might help you feel less frustrated about the situation.

Personally, I learnt the hard way with my ex. I am aware that it won't ever work. Last time I went back with my ex, I thought I'd be able to handle it with all of the knowledge I had, but I'm just not cut out for it, I can't sacrifice my feelings for her sake, it's just not the life I want to live. Any form of reasonable communication, or plan always went out of the window with her latest crisis. We're talking crises such as "being invited to a party, but it being a pity invite" sending her into a two day episode -- this same person that was crushed by this was capable of sophisticated manipulation and infliction of pain. How do you ever reason, or move forward with someone like that? Kudos to those who can.You have to give up so much. And then the therapy costs!

[4_04]

Hi IntoThe Wind, thank you so much, I needed to hear (read) that. I know that there are a lot of other people with similar experiences but sometimes, until someone actually says it out loud, the knowledge and awareness remains useless. And yes, you are so right! It's like they are all reading from the same guidebook--and doing it all perfectly, step by step! I will read the other posts just like you said. I'm sure in time, this will give me assurance that whatever decision I will end up with, it will be the best decision.
When she contacted me and we met up again for the first time after so long (since we broke up 3 years ago), I felt the same attraction to her, although I knew I should have been angry at her for leaving in the first place (she, I'm sure, was being BPD before, too, but I just realized this now that we parted ways again for the second time after doing some amateur research on YouTube). So this second time, I guarded my emotions, and this time I was able to see more clearly. This time, though, she was interested in building an actual life with me, complete with moving in and kids. But with this second time, seeing how she was, with the black and white and extreme mood swings and manipulation and paranoia (just like your ex thinking "pity party"--yes, my ex also had something like this, but to a more psycho level)--I said to myself, I wouldn't want to spend my forever with someone who will do this to me constantly. If now there is only her being mental between the 2 of us, I'm sure at the end there will be her AND me being psycho together.
The hardest part, though, is having parted ways, and actually forgetting her. I think about her all day, everyday. I even wonder if she does the same. It's crazy. I need to be able to get on with my life without thinking about her this much.

[tvda]

Hi,

You wonder if she thinks about you as much as you do about her... I feel your pain - I'm in the same position.

But I'm sad to say chances are really big that she is not thinking about you. Read about the splitting, the lack of object constancy and more, and it becomes obvious that out of sight is out of mind. Most likely, as painful as it is to realise, she will fill the void of whatever it is she is feeling with a new (or old) source of supply.

And quite possibly, once that supply wears out, she might start thinking about you again and attempt a charm...

[4_04]

Hi tvda,

That's true. She's probably looking for another victim. I realized today that with her first divorce, she talked to her ex exactly the way she also talked to me recently (during the breakup stage). So this is how it is. She thrives in drama. She will forever be like this. It's so unfortunate that she is unaware that she has BPD.  Her family is also suffering because of her. It's so easy for her to get rid of the important people in her life, and it seems to me like she is incapable of loving another.