Venting and Talking and Needing Someone to Relate Too

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am not quite sure where to start. This is so hard to write without feeling like I am betraying my family and finding something where there is not, which is why I am writing here I guess. I myself have some mental stuff so I have been seeing a therapist for about a year. She has been telling me that my mom is not well, but I also brushed it off like nothing. In our last appointment we spent a lot of time talking about it and she told me that it sounds like my mom might have BPD. I thought she couldn't have that, because they threaten to kill themselves and my mom does not do that, but my therapist told me that it is so much more than that. I started doing research about it, and it is like reading about my mom from people who have never met her. We have always had a lot of family issues but I always thought it was fine because every family has problems, but I guess it becomes real when you are trying to map out a person's moods so you can tell them bad news or ask them permission for something. I feel so guilty for even thinking that something could be wrong with my mom, but things that I always thought were character traits are turning out to be this illness. Driving recklessly, spending sprees, all the problems are my fault, bouncing between loving a person and not being able to be in the same room as them, not respecting boundaries (at all), blaming her emotions on me, like all of these things that fit the symptomology but I somehow can not connect them to my mom. I think it is so unfair that someone else's inability to hold boundaries and have empathy for me is going to punish me. Why do I have to be punished or live my life differently because they are unable to let me? I am upset and confused about how I am supposed to move on and deal with this. I feel bad that she is in constant fear of being abandoned but she has put me through so much and  made me feel so guilty and shamed me for no reason. I guess I just do not know how to move past this. I do not know how I am supposed to hold a relationship with a person who is so important to me, but on the other hand know that she will  most likely never change and will never feel real empathy for me. Like, how am I supposed to deal with that? As a daughter, as a person, as someone who has mental problems, as a university student, how am I supposed to deal with something that even therapists can not fix?

[alskdjfasidjfbv]

I am not quite sure where to start. This is so hard to write without feeling like I am betraying my family and finding something where there is not, which is why I am writing here I guess. I myself have some mental stuff so I have been seeing a therapist for about a year. She has been telling me that my mom is not well, but I also brushed it off like nothing. In our last appointment we spent a lot of time talking about it and she told me that it sounds like my mom might have BPD. I thought she couldn't have that, because they threaten to kill themselves and my mom does not do that, but my therapist told me that it is so much more than that. I started doing research about it, and it is like reading about my mom from people who have never met her. We have always had a lot of family issues but I always thought it was fine because every family has problems, but I guess it becomes real when you are trying to map out a person's moods so you can tell them bad news or ask them permission for something. I feel so guilty for even thinking that something could be wrong with my mom, but things that I always thought were character traits are turning out to be this illness. Driving recklessly, spending sprees, all the problems are my fault, bouncing between loving a person and not being able to be in the same room as them, not respecting boundaries (at all), blaming her emotions on me, like all of these things that fit the symptomology but I somehow can not connect them to my mom. I think it is so unfair that someone else's inability to hold boundaries and have empathy for me is going to punish me. Why do I have to be punished or live my life differently because they are unable to let me? I am upset and confused about how I am supposed to move on and deal with this. I feel bad that she is in constant fear of being abandoned but she has put me through so much and  made me feel so guilty and shamed me for no reason. I guess I just do not know how to move past this. I do not know how I am supposed to hold a relationship with a person who is so important to me, but on the other hand know that she will  most likely never change and will never feel real empathy for me. Like, how am I supposed to deal with that? As a daughter, as a person, as someone who has mental problems, as a university student, how am I supposed to deal with something that even therapists can not fix?

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board-

First, I am older than you are- middle age with an elderly BPD mom.

However I first began to explore my family issues when I was in college too. There wasn't much known about BPD at that time, so it was not brought up. I found out about it later. So you are way ahead of me and many people here who are also learning how to manage this.

The feeling of betrayal by talking about it is understandable. It has been the main focus of my family growing up- pretending my mother is normal. This board is anonymous. Don't post anything that might identify you. Our own situations may be different but I think you can see that behavior patterns are similar. You aren't exposing your mother, you are reaching out and keeping her identity and yours anonymous.

How do you cope? It seems you have felt responsible for your mother, but you are the child ( now young adult) and you are not responsible for her moods and feelings. Your first task is to figure out what is going on with you and work on your own well being. Knowing your mother has BPD helps in the sense that you can look at behaviors that impacted you. For many of us, we have dealt with learned behaviors that we needed to get by in our families growing up, but that don't serve us when we are adults on our own. It's one step at a time, but please stay hopeful.

It's good that you have a therapist to work with. Keep focused on this goal and your education. For me - college was the path to financial independence from my parents. If I could support myself, my mother could not control me. Right now you are "in between". You may need your parents' support to get through college- but know that graduation and employment are a big step to being independent. You can still be in contact with your parents after that if you choose, but you will have more say in your own choices once you are independent.

[Onyx22]

You are describing almost exactly how I felt/feel.

feeling like I am betraying my family and finding something where there is not

I struggle with this a lot, wondering if I'm somehow wrong. It helps to keep notes (wherever is easy and not accessible to others). I write down facts, random things I remember from the past that identify dysfunction behavior in my mom (fights, expectations, whatever). I have texts and letters from our last fight that I look at when I'm doubting myself.

Before my "revelation" I looked the other way on her obvious bad behavior because she always had an excuse for it (bad childhood, ex husband, ...). That made it easy to blame the situation on those things (plenty of the time blaming myself) and not put responsibility on her. She didn't see it that way, so how is a child raised by her going to? -- I was trained out of questioning my mother's actions. She always had a reason/excuse. Knowing BPD, she probably believed them. -- Maybe your situation is similar.

I'm a daughter of a uBPD mom. I graduated from college last year. I went NC last November.

I do not know how I am supposed to hold a relationship with a person who is so important to me, but on the other hand know that she will  most likely never change and will never feel real empathy for me.

I wonder how this might be answered as well. I don't know how (or if I even want to) resume a relationship with my mother. While most of the time we were happy, I just don't want to deal with the FOG anymore. So much of what was wrong was very subtle and I didn't realize I was being abused.

There are ways to set up boundaries with someone with BPD, and manage the relationship. This forum is going to be a great resource for specific questions you run into. I'm not there yet, so I can't advise on that.

[alskdjfasidjfbv]

I cope by working a lot and talking to my therapist. I did not even know this was something I had to learn to cope with until now, I just thought it was all normal parent stuff.  Because I have found out now, I am trying to figure out ways to understand and cope with her emotions and how she is feeling. It is difficult too, because while I am paying my tuition and paying for my own bills, they are allowing me to live at home and not have to pay rent. This has been where a lot of their guilting has come from "You need to do this because we are giving you a place to live, you need to not hang out with friends because we are giving you a place to live, you love us and you need to do this thing to prove it otherwise you can't live here anymore, why would you want to move out? We are giving you a good home and lots of love so you do not need to leave" Every time I bring up moving out, you would think I was saying I was going to kill myself. When I graduate it will be easier, but I feel so guilty about it. Thank you for the advice about graduation, I just have to wait till then. It is just so hard to not feel like a terrible person for not being grateful and not doing all these things to prove I am not going to abandon them when I am just trying to live my own life. 

[beatricex]

hi alskdjfasidjfbv,
It's great you recongize all this at such a young age.  I had the benefit of learning about BPD when my mom coaxed my ex to send me the book about it.  I had just graduated from college, and I had my first "real" job.  Was she jealous and trying to knock me down a peg?  Of course.

Way to knock me down a peg, mom.  It didn't really work, however, it backfired.

Thank goodness she did this, however, because I came to realize it was her not me.

Yes, I have my issues, but fear of abandonment isn't one of them.  I think one of the reasons my mom targets me out of my 5 siblings is that I'm not dependent at all.  Very independent, in fact.  Stubborn too.  She started telling me this (as if it's a negative) when I was very young.  Maybe 12?  Well, what did she expect, she offloaded so much emotional adult garbage on me - cried that her Dad molested her everytime I confronted her or she got "caught" doing or saying something horrible to someone.  Also, I supported myself financially, bought all my own clothes as I had a job since I was 12 (paper route).  I worked 32 hours a week in highschool, lied and said I was 16 when I was 15 so I could work.  I had enough money to move out when I turned 18.

She on the other hand?  Has never had a job.

No wonder I'm the target. 

BTW, sorry to hijack your thread.  What is it about your Mom that makes you feel sorry for her?  If we can just take that empathy we feel for them and apply it to us...then we'd be fine. 

b