I just feel so incredibly lonely and betrayed.

[babyducks]

This seems to be a common theme when he is like this, new friend all young and immediately there are his best friends... has anyone else experienced this?).

Yes.     if you google favorite person and bpd you will see lots of examples.    personally I am never totally comfortable with the term 'favorite person' because it always sounds so pseudo science to me but basically a “FP” (or Favorite Person) is a person who someone with mental illness relies on for support, and often looks up to or idolizes. its common with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Thank you BabyDucks' because of what you had written earlier that day I was able to see all the Me me me me me-ness in this and so was not sensitive.

you are welcome.     the goal is to not be as sensitive to his emotional swings.   to not take them personally.    to understand that the way he processes life, the way he handles the events of life are focused around him, his chaotic emotions and how he makes sense of them.

He has messaged me this morning at almost 10am, saying that he is late to work becgause he overslept and everyone is angry and asked me what I was doing.  Said that he was really tired and drunk ( so another night drinking)

how did you reply to this?     I am wondering if this would be a good opportunity for another SET.     Think of SET communications like they are set pieces in a foot ball match.    This is a corner kick...   you know something is coming around his employment ... that work is starting to set boundaries around his behavior.    Do you want to start to lay the ground work around what happens when work starts to discipline him?    FF would call it planting seeds.     I think of it as a corner kick where everyone knows where they are going and what they are going to do.

Support:    I'm glad you made it to work.
Empathy:   I know you like ____fill in the blank_______ about working there.
Truth:   It would really really be a shame if you lost the job because of the tardiness.

put it in your own words...  of course

   
Should I ask him about renting the car tomorrow for the dog?

sure.     you want to give him positive and healthy ways to reconnect with you right?

 
and I was on the phone to her all night, reassuring her and trying to tell her to stop drinking and to go to bed. In between her phone calls my aunty was calling me worried about her. So it was def a night.  Yesterday I was too emotionally drained to log on here. Sorry

no need to be sorry.  we can only do what we can do.    its perfectly all right to limit the amount of time you spend helping your mother, trying to calm her down and trying to tell her to stop drinking.       how much time and energy do you think you invested in helping her?

its really okay to have boundaries around what behavior you will tolerate and for how long.     boundaries protect us from draining ourselves dry trying to help other people.     its okay to say  I have to stop now... I will talk to you tomorrow.

'ducks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blackorchid]

Yes.     if you google favorite person and bpd you will see lots of examples.    personally I am never totally comfortable with the term 'favorite person' because it always sounds so pseudo science to me but basically a “FP” (or Favorite Person) is a person who someone with mental illness relies on for support, and often looks up to or idolizes. its common with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

OK, I just googled it, but this sounds like it is a constant person. He seems to have a different new FP every time he does this. And in May his FP was the barman, (Who told him, I was toxic to him and ruining his life and so he should met him, despite him never meeting me) and now he is calling a guest his bestfriend. So it seems that they are ever changing but a very big part of his world when in it.

you are welcome.     the goal is to not be as sensitive to his emotional swings.   to not take them personally.    to understand that the way he processes life, the way he handles the events of life are focused around him, his chaotic emotions and how he makes sense of them.

Constantly trying to work on this...

how did you reply to this?     I am wondering if this would be a good opportunity for another SET.     Think of SET communications like they are set pieces in a foot ball match.    This is a corner kick...   you know something is coming around his employment ... that work is starting to set boundaries around his behavior.    Do you want to start to lay the ground work around what happens when work starts to discipline him?    FF would call it planting seeds.     I think of it as a corner kick where everyone knows where they are going and what they are going to do.

Support:    I'm glad you made it to work.
Empathy:   I know you like ____fill in the blank_______ about working there.
Truth:   It would really really be a shame if you lost the job because of the tardiness.

put it in your own words...  of course

Hmm I never thought of doing a SET message with this, I think I need to reread around SET messages and be ready for them in different situations... I just responded normally saying oh, I hope it won't be a problem for you.  I wanted to add more but didnt want to get "you're controlling me " thrown in my face.

sure.     you want to give him positive and healthy ways to reconnect with you right?

I'll message him tonight, there's no point now when he is working and he will have to stay an hour or so to catch up his time lost this morning.

Without trying to read the tea leaves like FF says I think he is coming out of his deregulation. He posted on his story a quote:

"There is a cure for everything, but not death, Death is closer to you than your hatred, so don't hurt anyone, don't make anyone sad, show your love to the one you love before it is too late"

I think I translated it right   
How I wanted to respond to it...does he not realize the pain and hurt and sadness he has caused me these past two months?

no need to be sorry.  we can only do what we can do.    its perfectly all right to limit the amount of time you spend helping your mother, trying to calm her down and trying to tell her to stop drinking.       how much time and energy do you think you invested in helping her?

its really okay to have boundaries around what behavior you will tolerate and for how long.     boundaries protect us from draining ourselves dry trying to help other people.     its okay to say  I have to stop now... I will talk to you tomorrow.

'ducks

Yeah I know from the past that I can spend far too long trying to appease mum on the phone from afar. This is a very hard place to set boundaries, especially when she is in a vulnerable place

[babyducks]

OK, I just googled it, but this sounds like it is a constant person. He seems to have a different new FP every time he does this. And in May his FP was the barman, (Who told him, I was toxic to him and ruining his life and so he should met him, despite him never meeting me) and now he is calling a guest his bestfriend. So it seems that they are ever changing but a very big part of his world when in it.

I know some pwBPD are okay using the phrase FP.   others are not.   I don't think this has totally settled about what it means and how its used but what appears to be the key part is the idolization.   I am not sure its really different from the idealization that a pwBPD does... where you are suddenly the most wonderful person in the world.   it does seem to be related to the need of a pwBPD to attach to another person to feel a stable sense of self.

Hmm I never thought of doing a SET message with this, I think I need to reread around SET messages and be ready for them in different situations... I just responded normally saying oh, I hope it won't be a problem for you.  I wanted to add more but didnt want to get "you're controlling me " thrown in my face.

the 'you're controlling me' message is going to come up whenever you do something or say something that contradicts his version of things.   that doesn't mean you avoid adding more.   it means you tweak how you want to say it.    instead of Truth:   It would really really be a shame if you lost the job because of the tardiness.   you could tweak it to say 'how are you going to make sure you get yourself to work on time from now on?'   or something like that.

I think I translated it right   :
How I wanted to respond to it...does he not realize the pain and hurt and sadness he has caused me these past two months?

probably not no.   pwBPD are emotionally immature.   they do not have a well developed sense of empathy.  typically their own emotions are so loud and overwhelming they don't have a good sense of how others feel.    so I am going to say No, he doesn't really understand it.    

[blackorchid]

Yeah I knew he didn't understand before I even asked.

I've asked him to do something tomorrow, as it's his day off tomorrow and our dog's 10th bday on Tuesday. Car trips out with the two of them are honestly my favourite thing in the world. I love watching her explore new places  Here in Turkey we  had weekend curfews  and evening curfews (the worse being 7pm to 5am) since the main lockdown ended last August They finally lifted the beginning of this month. During curfew dog walking was forbidden, you were allowed to stand outside your apartment. During lockdown and weekend curfews parks were banned, even for dog walkers. So she has had a rubbish time of it too .And has weight to loose (like a lot of us , she gained those covid pounds ), so here's hoping we go somewhere tomorrrow.

He said he was coming tonight...it's now 00.09 so I'm off to bed...

[blackorchid]

BTW I have no driving license and dogs' aren't allowed on public transport so I can't just take her somewhere myself.

[formflier]

  Car trips out with the two of them are honestly my favourite thing in the world. I love watching her explore new places   

You should let him know this...perhaps just the way you said it here!

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

You should let him know this...perhaps just the way you said it here!

Best,

FF

Thanks FF


OK what a long story to tell...

Sunday night he did show up around 5am, he acted completely normal as if this was his home and he has never moved out and that the last 2 months have just not happened.

I was asleep, he heard me stirring and said don't get up, I'm getting a water and coming to bed too, I'm tired. Gave the dog some love and got into bed.  snuggled up against me and slept. In the morning, I got up and walked the dog, came back and went back to sleep as I really didn't sleep well the night before. he woke up and turned and cuddled me again before going back to sleep.

We had a long lie in. He asked if I still wanted to rent a car and I said yes, he checked with a lot of places but noone had one, because it was the first day of the Bayram holidays...

Woke up and made breakfast together sat and ate it together.  He had a shower and got ready, asked me what I was doing today...therapy, then I need to go to the shopping centre as my vouchers will expire this week.. you? He was going to the hairdressers and then to the shopping center and the beach. Maybe I'll come back to walk the dog this evening.

He left. 

It had felt just like a normal day in a normal life, BUT he seemed very guarded and hesitant around me, not so chatty, not so warm, if that makes sense. I did come on here to start posting but the internet dropped and I had to rush out to my therapy appointment...

When I got out of therapy at 16;00, there was a message from him at 15:12 asking me what I was doing,  I said I just got out of therapy you, I'm walking to the mall.  He said he was there, which shop he was in but he didn't want to meet me.  I asked so why did you ask me what I'm doing and he said because maybe I'll come to stay tonight.

20 mins late he messaged where are you? im hungry.

I said what shop I was in, he asked what do you think, where shall I eat. I said the name of the restaurant I like that I don't know I only go to that one.  He said he'll go there. DO i want to eat? come and meet him.  He messaged again asking if I wanted my usual. I said yeah and he had ordered it by the time I had arrived.

Again he was on guard. We spoke but not about anything... And I guess I was shocked that we were doing it, as half an hour before he had said he didn't want to meet me...  During the meal he asked what I would like for my birthday. That shocked me more than anything, "what" i sort of chocked.  He repeated and named a shop I like and said do you want to go now and pick something, I'll buy you what you want. I said no, I like surprises, you know that.  As he was paying my mum called and got the all clear  He was also pleased for that.


The

[formflier]

His cycle of dysregulation seems to be turning.

I'm curious about something.  How did he get into your place without waking you up?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Then he asked if I would go the shop with him to help him pick the glasses, we browsed the mall for a bit. He asked if there's anywhere I want to go,  I picked the nice food shop. He said let's get some snacks we can have a picnic in the park for our dogs bday.  Then maybe we can go out afterwards. Ok I said.

Then we came home, got the stuff together for the picnic and walked to the park. It was perfect. Just as the sunset was beginning. He took a video for his insta story.  I took a pic of my dog and sunset. He didnt want me to post it as he didn't want people to know that we were together.

We ate and drank (the whiskey he brought round on friday).  Again, he wasn't so chatty with me. But I just stayed present and tried not to overthink it.

We came home, he asked if I still wanted to go out, I said yes, let me get changed. We went out...again not so chatty. I hate those style of bars, club music thumping and you can't hear yourself think.

I haven't worn heels since the pandemic started and slipped on a stair. He was very concerned. (My ankle is terribly swollen today).

We came home, he stayed he woke up and went to work

[formflier]

He didnt want me to post it as he didn't want people to know that we were together.


 But I just stayed present and tried not to overthink it.
 

Did he actually say not to post and his reasons or is there some "tea leaf reading going on there with you?


I really like you attitude of being in the moment and not overthinking.

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

His cycle of dysregulation seems to be turning.

I'm curious about something.  How did he get into your place without waking you up?

Best,

FF

Sorry FF I thought I had put it, he had his keys

[blackorchid]

hmm interesting. I finally found an English copy of stop walking on eggshells here.  Im just reading about behaviourial projections and unconscious thoughts feelings...


BP says You're so controlling. The unconscious thought/feeling is; I feel like I'm losing control right now and it scares me

[formflier]

BP says You're so controlling. The unconscious thought/feeling is; I feel like I'm losing control right now and it scares me

You generally get the gist of it.

Let's say FFw claims that I (FF) hate her parents (or insert emotion) someone else.  If I don't believe I feel that way, it's most likely she has those feelings but feels more comfortable verbalizing that by "projecting" it onto me.

Now...it's also unlikely she has "thought that through" and might like deny she is doing that.

So...not something to try and convince your pwBPD of.

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

Hope you don't mind me being off topic.   How are you feeling about possible covid exposure and him being frequently in public spaces ?   Are vaccines available ?   

[blackorchid]

Hope you don't mind me being off topic.   How are you feeling about possible covid exposure and him being frequently in public spaces ?   Are vaccines available ?   

strange you say that as I felt very nervous in the restaurant with him on Monday as that was my first time since covid started.

He's been double vaccinated for a while, as they did all tourist workers before the season started and I got my 2nd jab yesterday.

But yeah it concerns me

[formflier]

Are most people over there still wearing masks? 

I'm very disappointed that "most" people out in town are not wearing masks now.  Any medical place is still hardcore about it.

I'm fully vaccinated and still wear a mask when going inside places. 

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Masks have been mandatory everywhere outside since September, however you see less people wearing them now outside walking on the streets and especially in the parks.

I must admit on humid nights I take mine off to walk my dog, and that has slipped into mornings too, it's just so hot. There was a confusing news that you don't have to wear them if you can guarantee being 2 m away from others, which is when I stopped wearing mine for dog walking but then I think they revoked it, leaving many people confused...

Public transport and all inside places require masks, you can't enter without one. Malls, restaurants, gov buildings and most places  you have to give a tracking QR code to get in and temp checks...


I'm disappointed with it too. Always have been... the parks last summer and again this summer are a joke, crowded and everyone packed in. Beaches are the same, hence the dog doesn't get her good walks and I've still not been to the beach

[blackorchid]

Did he actually say not to post and his reasons or is there some "tea leaf reading going on there with you?


I really like you attitude of being in the moment and not overthinking.

Best,

FF

Thanks

Yes he said not to post. But on Tuesday I was posting other photos for her bday and he said I could post it

[blackorchid]

Then he asked if I would go the shop with him to help him pick the glasses, we browsed the mall for a bit. He asked if there's anywhere I want to go,  I picked the nice food shop. He said let's get some snacks we can have a picnic in the park for our dogs bday.  Then maybe we can go out afterwards. Ok I said.

Then we came home, got the stuff together for the picnic and walked to the park. It was perfect. Just as the sunset was beginning. He took a video for his insta story.  I took a pic of my dog and sunset. He didnt want me to post it as he didn't want people to know that we were together.

We ate and drank (the whiskey he brought round on friday).  Again, he wasn't so chatty with me. But I just stayed present and tried not to overthink it.

We came home, he asked if I still wanted to go out, I said yes, let me get changed. We went out...again not so chatty. I hate those style of bars, club music thumping and you can't hear yourself think.

I haven't worn heels since the pandemic started and slipped on a stair. He was very concerned. (My ankle is terribly swollen today).

We came home, he stayed he woke up and went to work

He's been fairly quiet again since he left.  The message on wednesday about a potential upcoming quarantine, a new plan to work in england via help of an old teammate but nothing else.  He said he would come tonight then half an hour later said, i dont think I'll come tonight, I'm tired but maybe I will come

I really don't know what to do...

It has been Bayram here this week, I did send him a message for that.

Tomorrow it's our anniversary and Sunday is my birthday,

so all in all a hard week topped off with no work as it's a religious holiday so I'm feeling very low..

I don't know if I should reach out to him and say how I'm feeling or just keep waiting for him to return to baseline

[babyducks]

so all in all a hard week topped off with no work as it's a religious holiday so I'm feeling very low..

I don't know if I should reach out to him and say how I'm feeling or just keep waiting for him to return to baseline

you have a lot of reasons to feel low.     that's a natural reaction to everything going on.     

would you feel comfortable sharing here any potential message you want to send him... perhaps we can help you work through your thoughts about what to say and how?

[blackorchid]

you have a lot of reasons to feel low.     that's a natural reaction to everything going on.     

would you feel comfortable sharing here any potential message you want to send him... perhaps we can help you work through your thoughts about what to say and how?

Thank you Babyducks

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. He's messages to be are unreal. He wants me to ask my mum if him and our dog can live with her in England...where exactly does that leave me? Am I even in the scenario? He seems to be so far from reality...he is convinced that his ex player will just get him a job as a coaching intern or something for a MAJOR premier league team...despite same person ghosting him since he made the big leagues of germany then on to england. I'm so confused about that I don't even know where to start

This morning he suggested staying in a hotel for a couple of days on Sunday...then did a 180..."it's too expensive, forget it". Was that just a coincidence that he suggested it on my bday?

I want to tell him I'm sick of this, I'm sick of being in limbo. I want him to come home, I never wanted him to leave.

On Monday night I told him I loved him. He's response. Maybe

And thank you Babyducks' I know I have many reasons to feel like this now but thank you for seeing them and saying them. I just really wish someone would just care for me. Look after me, for once.  Maybe therapy is bringing that up in me more, delving into family stuff and there's issues happening between my brother and I.

Sorry for the rant

[formflier]

On Monday night I told him I loved him. He's response. Maybe

 

 

I'm so sorry you had this experience.  How did you fee about it at the time?  Has that changed upon reflection?

Please be kind to yourself.

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Thanks FF, if he doesn't believe it then I guess that's how he feels, as I'm reading Stop Walking on Eggshells I guess it's more to do with how he feels about himself and feeling unlovable than to do with me (?)

He said he was coming tonight but he just cancelled now...

[formflier]

I am interested in how you felt about saying you love him and having him NOT reciprocate.  I have to imagine that is confusing.  Have you sat with those feelings for a while?

Please be kind to yourself!

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Yeah of course it hurt.  He was distant all day...wanting to spend time with me but it was like he put up a gigantic wall between us, at least that's how it felt to me. He wasn't chatty. Kept just going on his phone, making suggestions, lets go shop, lets go eat, lets have a picnic, but not actually being presently there the whole time. If that makes sense... It's kind of hard to describe.


So, the whole day was incredibly confusing. Reunited but not united at the same time.

I remember him being like this the last time too. But, that doesn't make it any easier on me.

He's messaged that he's too tired to come tonight but he'll come tomorrow or Sunday. Tomorrow is our anniversary..Sunday is my bday

I can't really sit and think about it too much as I find it all too upsetting, too overwhelming. Honestly I'm too emotionally and mentally exhausted

[babyducks]

well I am not sure about the time difference but even if I am late.   Happy birthday to you.

Maybe therapy is bringing that up in me more, delving into family stuff and there's issues happening between my brother and I.

Therapy can be quite difficult.   It takes time to work through all the issues.    many times its uncomfortable.      I would encourage you to stick with it.    hang in there.    its hard work but it will pay dividends.   

what my experience was, and for many of us here on the boards... there was something in our family of origin that primed us for being in a relationship with a person with a mental illness.   it felt familiar to us.    even the pain of it felt familiar.     

you are a good person who deserves to have someone care for you.    you are valuable, compassionate and kind.      hang in there and do something special for yourself.    give yourself a gift ... take a day and just do what you want for whatever reason you want.

'ducks

[formflier]

Happy Birthday from me to!    I hope this day is special for you!

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

 

Thank you babyducks' and FF.

Your birthday messages meant a lot  thank you 

[blackorchid]

He's here. He came for my bday. He's given me a beautiful necklace, which is a big deal as he doesn't normally do bday gifts (Turks arent big on them)

He ordered my fav sushi

But once again he is distant

not talking, just on his phone

It's like he is here but he's not at the same time

[formflier]

So..invite him to do something, without electronics.  No phone..no TV..no distractions.

Best,

FF