I just feel so incredibly lonely and betrayed.

[blackorchid]

Feeling down yesterday and today.

I just feel so incredibly lonely and betrayed. I know it's an illness. I know he is unwell. But that doesn't help the pain I feel of being abandoned again. And the irony that he feels abandoned isn't lost on me. He is the one who walked out on me and our dog, our home, our life. He knows I'm all alone here. That I have no way of getting home. That aside from lessons I am on by own day in day out and he literally doesn't care.  I mean how can he chose leaving in a poxy hotel accommodation room as a better option than this. We have a beautiful house. I love summer. It has always been my favourite season. But now it's just tainted by him. I long for beach days and trips and BBQs with him.  Last year we got the BBQs but the beaches were closed - covid. But every other summer for as long as I can remember he does this and I never get to make any summer memories with him. It just sucks.

The past couple of days I've wanted to message him but I know it's probably not a good idea. Time just seems to be moving slowly right now...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blackorchid]

As I’d sent the SET message only for his clothes. I sent a SET message now for the letter in case it was important.

you’ve said you don’t want me to contact you. I know that’s what you want know. still, a letter has just come for you, so I’m just letting you know. Would you like me to forward it to you, keep it here or send a photo?.

He responded. Thanks no. I know what it’ll be. It’s from the bank. I spoke with them and paid the bill with your money.

So at least I know that that’s paid off and he actually used my savings for that and hopefully all of it was paid for that…

Still feeling the same as this morning. Keeping myself busy around the house. I should add that it just feels hurtful him knowing that this week I have been struggling as he knows how ill I am every week. He will know that I have been barely able to stand, let alone muster the strength to walk our dog. It’s not fair on her too not getting the walks she deserves. It just hurts knowing he doesn’t care right now. My last period in April he was here. Coincidentally it fell on his day off. He saw me faint, shaking and sweating and ran to the chemists to get anything to help. The contrast between that and the last two is just worlds apart. It hurts.

[blackorchid]

Update. He’s added a new message. I’m really happy now.

[formflier]

A few things to confirm...make sure I'm reading this correctly.

He somehow has access to your money/savings/accounts without communicating to you.  Is this correct?

He gets a letter and without opening it he knows what it is and used your money to pay the bill that was inside the letter.

Are you ok with someone having control of your finances that refuses to have conversations with you?

Please confirm are all of these communications via text or email or some type of "non-verbal" thing?

How long since you have spoken to him..either on the phone or in person?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Hi FF

Thank you for your concern. 

 No he has no access to my bank account. The savings were what he took when he was in the house last Thursday. I had cash of a mix of dollars, euros and pounds in the house. (My brother is a banker and is concerned about the Turkish economy and told me not to bank them, hence them being in the house, the Turkish lira is terrible now and is loosing value bu the day)

 when he was in the house last week he took them to pay the bill of a loan I didn’t know he had. He says he will pay me back..

I actually I have been thinking and I think this must be a loan taken out to bail out his brother. As it is the EXACT amount that is needed to pay to not do military service. Which I know he paid when he last split from me in 2019. As we were in NC at the time I didn’t know where he got the money from. But he said his brother would be paying him back. I’m guessing that hasn’t happened.

 His brother had then asked for money with more debt in may. Which caused him to escalate no think money/ family debt is a major trigger for him.  He was a successful footballer but has nothing to show for it as his family have leeched every penny he ever made. FYI his bro is a doc. So I don’t understand why he needs help with debt. One night in early May he was drinking so bad crying, I asked what was wrong. He said he didn’t know how to help him with his debt and felt useless. The convo then turned suicidal

We were getting to a place early last year where we could start to have conversations about these things but then Covid happened and he was furloughed and I knew he was EXTREMELY sensitive about finances, especially as I was now the breadwinner and spying for everything so I didn’t bring it up.

Your right he is assuming that that is what the letter is for.

The last time I saw him was last Thursday. No phone converataions. The SET message yesterday as started earlier about his belongings and the SET message today about the letter have been our only contact. Also when he said I miss her in response to an Instagram story of our dog. .

[formflier]

So describe the agreement you guys worked out prior to him taking the money?

How did that conversation go?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

I offered to help him. He said no. He doesn’t need my help. He has his family and they will help.  (the irony) 

this was after a letter arrived I think in the 2nd week. I was shocked to open the letter and read final demand. (He asked me to open the letter and send him a photo)
Now looking back I know why he was so stressed. But i just felt  resentment. May was the first month that he paid the rent since the pandemic. Due to another lockdown I had no lessons and the kids didn’t want online this time (coincided with a holiday) so my money was low. Luckily he was back to full time. I’ll pay he said. Don’t stress about money. I’ve got it

About a week later he started getting stressed asking when will I have the money to pay him back the rent. He needed it for the bank. The bank was calling. I was confused. Why are the bank calling I asked. But he wouldn’t explain.

I offered again when he came to collect his things. Again he said no and he has his family for that he doesn’t need me.
I left the house as he didn’t want me there. He messaged and said he’ll take it and he’ll pay me back. Thanks. Then he messaged to say he had left. That he’ll come tomorrow. But he never came

[formflier]

Hmm..

So..where was the conversation where he asked for the money, you agreed to it..and then he took it.  (again..I may be missing something)

It sounds like he did get money from you..right?    Did you agree ahead of time that he would get this money?

I appears there was lots of discussion, but perhaps no agreement.

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

No there was no real conversation/ agreement. The letter arrived. I offered to help due to the seriousness of the letter. He said no. He has his family for that.

He came to collect his things. Again I offered to help. Again he got angry and said no.

Both times he didn’t want to engage in a conversation.

Then he messaged to say he took the money and will pay me back. Thanks.

[formflier]

Again..trying to clarify.

You seem to have offered many times and he EXPLICITLY said NO.  (Do I have that right?)

He came to get his things (are these the "boxed up things" or things he wanted you to "box up"?)...or are they different things.

He leaves with his things and at the point of him leaving he was still saying NO to help and you guys had no further conversation about him taking or being loaned money.

Then..it seems like days later he messages and says in fact he TOOK the money and will pay you back.  And there was no further "ask" or anything...he just TOOK it without your agreement (although he did know you were offering and he has said no)

Do I have the chain of events right?

He didn't get it from the bank (correct?) so he must know you "hiding spot" or something at your house.  And was able to access this without your knowledge.

How do you feel about how he went about taking what you had offered ?

When is he going to pay you back?

Are we talking about $100...$1000...$10,000  (US Dollars)?...just trying to get a feel for this.

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

No there was no real conversation/ agreement. The letter arrived. I offered to help due to the seriousness of the letter. He said no. He has his family for that.

He came to collect his things. Again I offered to help. Again he got angry and said no.

Both times he didn’t want to engage in a conversation.

Then he messaged to say he took the money and will pay me back. Thanks.

I think I have followed along well enough to take a swing at this.    

I am going to start here.   our partners have undeveloped or maldeveloped processing skills.     they don't negotiate or communicate their way through life.   they tend to just 'do' what they want in the moment to get what they want in the moment with little or no thought to anyone else's welfare.

to be successful in this type of relationship we have to have well developed and well defined processing skills.    we have to have excellent communication skills and well defined boundaries.

when he came to the house to get his clothes he 'took' your security savings.   all of them.   the savings you would use in case of emergency.   the savings you need to manage a trip home.   the savings you would use if you had an illness or the dog required a vet.    he took them for an undisclosed reason.    something he won't discuss with you.     he took them with a vague promise of repayment.   do you think that repayment is likely?

I know you want to salvage this relationship.   I know you want this relationship to work.    I know you are hurting.     What I think is true is to have a successful relationship respect is necessary.     respect is a two way street.     we can't just sit and hope for it.   or plead for it.     we have to earn it and in a way demand it.

that comes with boundaries.  our boundaries.    why should he provide any respect and consideration if you are willing to accept any treatment or appease him to stay with him?   do you think that is fair to say?

the offer for the money is history,... you can't change what you offered.    you can pick up his communication to pay you back.    do you want to do that?

'ducks

[blackorchid]

Yes babyducks has it right.

When he came to collect his things he took it from the spot in the house. He messaged me after and told me and said he will pay me back in monthly installments.


I just want to talk to him. I'm really struggling now

[babyducks]

the offer for the money is history,... you can't change what you offered.    you can pick up his communication to pay you back.    do you want to do that?

Do you want the money back?

[blackorchid]

I’m not concerned about the money right now. It was savings for when I go home to England again which I can’t do now anyway due to Covid rules

[formflier]

Do you eventually want the money back?  When is his first payment?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

He just said he would pay $50-$100 a month back. It was a few hundred dollars. 

Which I doubt. I found out through his friend today that he has checked himself into a hotel for a couple of nights. Would love to know where he got the money for that from. Ha! I just really hope that he paid the bank because it’s serious letters that are coming through

[formflier]

Where was he living before checking into a hotel?

If you are curious how he can afford that..why not ask him a direct question?

If you are curious about if he used the money to actually pay the issue (whatever it is) in the bank letter..why not ask him?

How do you feel when thinking about how all this has transpired?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Yesterday when I told him another letter had come from the bank. He said ik it’s not important I have spoken to the bank and paid the outstanding fee with your money.

I think if I ask him he will just block me. As in the past he has blocked me across everything after he moved out. Don’t think he will answer me.

He’sput a photo on Instagram “I wanted to be alone and now I am lonely”

I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I have barely been able to function today. I’ve done a good job the past five weeks of keeping the tears in. But today they have flooded out.

[formflier]

I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I have barely been able to function today. I’ve done a good job the past five weeks of keeping the tears in. But today they have flooded out.

 

You've been through a lot and we've asked you lots of questions and raised lots of issues.  It can be very emotional and uncomfortable to look at this stuff.

What can you do to focus on yourself..care for yourself and perhaps just sit with your feelings this evening? 

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Thanks for the virtual hugs  they are much needed.

It’s coming up midnight here so I’m just lying in bed.

I’m trying to make sense of the past week weeks and just coming up cold.

I just come back to again and again that I want a conversation with him.

I’ll try to sleep. It’s been evading me every night. But I’ll try.

[blackorchid]

Morning everyone. Still feeling bad this morning. Have woken up to some messages from his work friend. His asking if he should try talking to him. Does anyone think that would be a good idea?

[babyducks]

Morning everyone. Still feeling bad this morning. Have woken up to some messages from his work friend. His asking if he should try talking to him. Does anyone think that would be a good idea?

Talk to him about what?   What would the goal be?

[blackorchid]

I don’t know. He keeps saying it to me. He said that he had refused to take his days off and so they told him to take a couple of days off to sort himself out after everything that’s happened. He didn’t explain further.

He says that it’s clear that he has some inner turmoil now and wants to help him.

[formflier]

He keeps saying it to me. 

Who keeps saying what?

If you could have a conversation with your pwBPD, what would you like to say to him?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

Sorry his friend at work keeps messaging me and saying he wants to talk to him. I think it may be a bad idea though…

[blackorchid]

So the only time I’ve tried calling him was late Tuesday when I was ill and needed help with walking the dog. Couldn’t stand.

He has just messaged me. Did you call me last week.

Yes. I replied


Hes asked why.


I mean Is it just me or is this pointless. He would know I tried to call him and he saw my name in his phone

[formflier]

Sorry his friend at work keeps messaging me and saying he wants to talk to him. I think it may be a bad idea though…

Why does this friend need to involve you in his discussions...is he looking for your permission or ?

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

I think he’s confused by the situation. Wants to help. But is at a loss regarding how pwBPD is acting. Maybe never come across such behaviour before?

[babyducks]

I mean Is it just me or is this pointless. He would know I tried to call him and he saw my name in his phone

we touched on this a bit upstream in this thread.      what are his limitations in functioning in a relationship?    and can you honestly accept his limitations and work around them?

h's just messaged me blaming me for everything, he drinks because i make him angry, he created a tinder account because i made him angry and so on.

he's drinking escalated and he kept taking my money which was what started it this time

tinder is unacceptable to me

then he asked to borrow 25 dollars...

He got home. Said that he has discussed it with his new BFF (he seems to become insanely close to a new person every time he splits), this person has never met me. And that after talking it through with him , the guy has made him realise how bad we are for each other that we can’t be together any more and that’s it it’s over. When I went to speak he wouldn’t listen. Said there’s nothing to say. He’s made the decision. It’s over. We’re finished.  To not go over the same things again. We’re done. I tried to speak and he immediately got angry and said if I try to talk he will leave the house and go to a hotel.

But maybe a week later he started getting irritated asking when I was paying the rent back as he had to pay the bank, but wouldn’t explain what at the bank needed paying back

If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.

Let me ask you blackorchid, can he consistently be respectful?   and if he isn't, can you get yourself in place to not be injured by it?

Can he provide support?    the support you need?   and if he is unable to provide support do you have other support systems in place to help you?

Can he be honest with you?    can you protect yourself from dishonest financial dealings?

Is this relationship even available to you?

I understand you want to save the relationship.    Still I think its important you have a clear eyed honest understanding of what that means.    

How did your therapy appointment go?

'ducks

[blackorchid]

Hi guys

sorry for the late reply, this week has been exhausting in a lot of ways (work, him, friends, family) I've literally had no time or brain power to come on here. Sorry

How did your therapy appointment go?

Therapy went ok, but it was intense.  We didn't really get to touch on him.  She gave me a lot of homework to do, including writing a timeline of my life, which has been draining. In her words my life reads like a horror show.

My parents have both had drinking problems and so him drinking excessively april/may was a massive trigger for me, hence my explosion and the argument on may 24th.
I guess there will be more to unpack their with her as it goes on.

Therapist seemed nice, she lived and worked in England for 18 years so think I've struck lucky with finding her.

 


After his message about the call on monday, he messaged later saying he'd start paying the money back when he gets paid this week coming.

he messaged again late on Tuesday, congratulating the england football win and asking what i was doing .  the he started with the dog, he misses her can he come and walk her one day. Ok I said.  He then asked about my mum and wanting to know if she knew that he had left.  Last time in 2018 when I said yes it seemed to set him back so I said no, he wanted to know why and I said because she's found a lump and is waiting for tests so I didn't want to stress her out, then he was questioning why she isn't messaging him. I said probably because shes stressed right now.

He then said could he come now. recycling what is the next phase of his cycle: we can meet as sex buddies,  we're better like that.  I had gone to another room and hadn't answered when I came back, he had deleted the messages, I asked what he had put but he said nevermind. (i'd seen the notification and read messages on my home screen but hadnt been on whatsapp so he didnt know I'd read them). Then he asked if I had packed his things. Asking if I missed him, if i missed him for him or just missed sex. He said he only missed sex.  Then asked again about my mum.  Said he was tired and went to bed.

Wednesday he messaged again, same messages deleted within minutes of me not answering..

He then asked if he could come and see the dog. I said ok. He turned up an hour later drunk. Started calling me all my pet names. Saying he missed his home. Missed the dog.  Missed me but that I have a problem with my brain, that he loves everything about me except that.
He shortly afterwards fell asleep on the couch. I slept too. He woke up in the morning, showered, sounded irritated asking where he's bathrobe was, expecting it to be in the bathroom. Embraced me, gave the dog some love and left.