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Author Topic: My tale  (Read 50 times)
Chrisly
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: January 20, 2016, 08:41:15 AM »

I'll start with an introduction that will be intended to be short and concise and instead be long, rambling and

I'm Chrisly,  Best friends with "M" for 20 years, married for 8, with a 4 year old daughter (C).

After C was born, all was great for +/- 6 months.  One day, I woke up to a distinctly different woman.  :Depressed, irrational anger.  Just trudged through it for a couple of months, after all, kids are dinks.  (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) - they wake you up for feedings, etc so I can understand exhaustion.  I had M start pumping so I could get up and feed C in the night, letting M sleep.  

After a few months, M got up in the night, didn't say anything, just went to the ER.  She was diagnosed as suffering from PPD and started with a PPD support group and started seeing a Psychiatrist that does nothing but prescribe meds.  (I can't find a scowling emoticon).

My company does a restructuring, I start working 90 mins from home so a 3 hour commute every day.  Come home, make dinner, clean up, etc.  

Goes back to work for a couple of months, then cannot continue and goes off on disability (2012).  Around this time, diagnosis is changed to bipolar.   Returned to work after about a year, because the insurance company took too long  to pay out and we had exhausted savings.

M gets a new job, working in a less stressful role.  Her office is moving 30 mins closer to my work, so we buy a new house close to her work.  I cut my commute down to 60 mins each way.  At this point, she had stopped going to her psychiatrist (a year?), and I was reaching the end of my rope in the relationship - no affection, no respect, so I pleaded with her to go back to therapy.  She did.

M's mother dies, leaving her with an inheritance.   M goes off work again, living off the money from the estate for 8 months, then returns to work because her claim was rejected (preexisting condition).  (2014).

Sept 2014 we had a big blow out.  "M, I can't continue like this.  I feel that you don't care or respect anything that I have to say".  M says "I don't care about you, the only thing I care about is up there" (pointing to C's room)

2015 starts off fantastic.  Affectionate wife.  Holding hands, arm over me when I'm sleeping, love life... . I was telling a friend that I thought that maybe M had made a new years resolution to love her husband.  She says "Chris, uhh, it's January 5th".  (I may have precounted my chickens) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

(I talk about a lack of respect more than anything here.  Examples are:  "I don't care if you smoke pot, don't smoke it in the garage because the smell comes in the house when you open the door".  "I always call/text if I'm running more than 15/20 mins late coming home from work, if you take C shopping after school, please just let me know.  If I get home and there's no info and you are home an hour after I'd normally be home - I don't know if I should be making dinner".  "I know you quit smoking (cigarettes) when pregnant with C.  starting back up is a bad idea"

June 2015 - M had an affair - gone 'till 2:30 AM, however, I'm a nerd, her phone keeps track of where she travels so I pulled it up and the address lined up with a new guy she started talking to on Facebook.    She realized that I had been snooping into her account (I'm embarrassed by this) and changed her passwords to everything.  Took me a week to remove the "passion" and distill it down to what bothered me about infidelity.  It's not the sex... .I don't love that, but it comes down to respect... .you can't do that and have a modicum of respect for your partner.  Once I got through the anger about that, I asked her about it, and it was denial.  "He's just a friend, he supports me with my family, you only ever say awful things and don't support me".  (family are addicts and abusive to her).   I do not trust her, but can get past this.

July of 2015, had a great weekend.  Had my old wife back.  M was playful, joyous, fantastic.   I have to travel for work from time to time, but M doesn't do well with C on her own.  (She gets in yelling matches with a 4 year old.  Crying child will lead her to anger or tears.)  Since we were having a good weekend, we started talking about a trip to the east coast I have to do for work... . Great weekend!  I was so happy.  

Monday, I get a message at my work from her "You need to tell me everything you've been hiding".  When I took over this role (support and operations for a very large well known Canadian company), I went through an exercise of updating my passwords... . When she asked what I was hiding, I gave her my passwords for everything and let her dig around... .  (Now, I waste money and go for lunches often.  I'm trapped in my house because I can't leave M with C without tears or anger... .)  M spent all night up, comparing my bank records with Facebook to guess if I was going for lunch with women from work... .I woke up in the morning and she was gone.  No note, her car was still there.  Take a look at my phone and find a text from her.  "Gone to the hospital".  Then later "They are going to admit me".  I scramble around to make sure my mom can take C while I try to find out what's going on.  

M is in the mental health facility at the hospital.  When I can get in to see her, I say "I understand that you are mad about me wasting money, but why are you here"?    M:  "I'm here because of you!  you are why I'm here.  you are the crazy one, you should be here, not me!".   I tell her that we'll figure this out.  We can go to therapy when she's out and we'll work through it.  M:  "NO!  It's too late! we can't save this".  

I go grab us coffee so she can take a breath.  When I'm out, the nurse came in and told her "you may be thinking because your husband is here, that you can leave with him.  You can't, you are admitted and we will not be releasing you".

the next day, I call the nurse and ask what's up.  "I can only think of 2 reasons why she'd be kept here against her will.  a) a danger to herself, b) a danger to others and you didn't tell me to keep my distance".  The nurse went to consent, couldn't get it from M.

After the first day, For 9 days, I brought C every day to see Mama at "the doctors".  

On day 10 (or 11, I can't recall), I got a call from the hospital to come in for a family conference... . As we are waiting to meet with the Doc, M is in tears "Please don't say anything that'll make me seem like a bad person or a bad mother".   Of course, I'm terrified to comment on anything so I sit there mute.  (Doc didn't want my opinion on anything so it was moot).  Was given the diagnosis of BPD.  :)octor wanted her back to work the next week.  She doesn't want to go back right away so goes and sees her GP.  The GP writes a note to say she's taking the month of August off.

When M gets out, I book us for marriage counselling.  We go into the therapist and I lead off with a vetting question.  ":)o you have any experience with dealing with BPD?".  Therapist replies "BPD is a wastepaper diagnosis that psychiatrists default to when they have a problem patient".  Therapist:  "M, any suicidal thoughts?" and M confirms this.  (This is the first I had ever heard of suicidal ideology).  "Chris, do you know of M's safety plan?".  No, of course not, I had never heard about suicidal thoughts.   While we are there, I'm keeping the idea of "don't make M seem like a bad person or bad mother, so I'm  talking in generalities about my understanding of those suffering from BPD, not what SHE has done".  She has no compunction with making accusations of affairs (untrue).  We wrap up our therapy session and the therapist ends with "Be good to yourselves and each other".   Me:  "Hey, wait a min, did you just quote Jerry Springer to me?".  

(this is now August)

The next day, I had to leave for a 2 day conference.  M and C were going to our trailer.  When I'm away, I always call at bedtime to say goodnight to C.  When I called, M was enraged and C was bawling away in the background (Trailer is new, very exciting to a 4 year old).  M:  "I hope you are having a great F'n time this is awful here!".  Me:  "I'm sorry, this is work, this isn't play time.  I can't leave now, but I can come to you in the morning if you want.  I'll text you in the morning and when you have signal, please tell me and I'll call".   (There's an amplifier in the trailer for the cell phone, but it doesn't work well outside).  I text at 7 AM, asking her to let me know when there's signal.    No response 'till 1:30 PM as I'm checking out of my hotel to drive 4 hours there to them.    (Bear in mind, thursday I hear she's suicidal, Friday she's so angry and crying, then Saturday, I've got no response for hours and hours and hours... .All I could picture was C shaking M saying "mama, wake up!"  Turns out they went to the beach and just forgot to call.

THAT was the tipping point.  When it was just me being sad and not being a partner, I could live with that.  Because I felt a duty to support my best friend and spouse.  If she called me and said "C, they need to cut off all my limbs, I'll just be a torso", I'd go buy a wheelbarrow and haul her around.  When I couldn't be sure of C's safety, then I have to make a change.

I agonize over my guilt, my abandoning her when she needs me for the month of August.

Sept 4th, I get a call from a woman that worked with M to say "tell her we love her, will miss her and want her to be healthy".   Turns out that she had quit her job.   (didn't tell me)

A week or so later, she gives me a big stack of paperwork asking me to scan it all - she's filing for permanent disability.  (no discussion still, still hasn't told me she's not returning to work).  

While I'm scanning it (all medical history).  Turns out she's been suicidal for years (since C was born). I can discount all the ideology brought on throught the PPD (throwing the baby at the wall whenever she's crying) because a) never happened and b) not that uncommon (?).  

I booked myself into a therapist to get a view on the quote from each notation of suicide. "I don't want to die, I just don't know how to keep on living like this".  That sounds like a cry of someone depressed, not someone that necessarily poses a threat to C... . Therapist confirms this.

Anyway, spent the month of Sept agonizing.  October, decided that we need to separate.  This is no life for me, and while I don't want full custody, I do want to minimize the impact that M can have on C's life.  M doesn't leave the house.  Every weekend, it's the Chris and C show - we go to the trailer, the splash pad, church, the park, etc... .   M and C lay in bed.  C watches Netflix while M sleeps.

October, come home, say we need to separate.    M moves to the spare room, refuses to discuss what happens next.  No discussion of custody, no discussion of spousal support.  Plans on moving out by the end of the month, leaving me with C and with the house and everything.  (Perhaps foolishly, I argued - Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

Now, it's January, she's talked to a lawyer, gotten word that I'm looking at $2500 a month in spousal/child support for something I didn't cause.



I'm trapped in my house.  I can't do anything, I can't associate with my friends without accusations.  Hell, I got a haircut yesterday.  She says "nice haircut - you must have a date".  "No M, I am a leader in my company.  I have dozens of people that work for me, I keep a billion dollar company running.  I can't be a slob".

So, that's the SHORT version of the last 4 years.  

Funny, as I'm reaching the omega of this relationship, I'm totally second guessing my decisions... . abandoning my spouse,my partner, my friend.  Then I found this site and it turns out that I'm unique, just like everyone else going through this (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).  

I realized last night that I'm mourning.  The M that I love is dead.    But right now, it's like living in the house she died in.  She comes back and haunts it from time to time.  Reminding me of the joy, the love, the fun.  My raison d'etre.  But that spectre leaves... .




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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10319



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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2016, 11:40:21 PM »

Hi Chrisly,

Welcome

A r/s break-up with a pwBPD is very painful and leaves feeling  broken and confused. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Poor C having to see her mother at the hospital for 10 days.

I would also scared if my 4 year old was left alone too with my wife and she wasn't responding and she has history of SI. Making a choice to leave is hard. I can see why you would feel guilt but you felt like you needed to protect your daughter.

I would find it difficult if I was faced with accusations from my friends. Many of our members can relate with you and can offer you guidance and support. You're not alone. It helps to talk.

You're in the family home alone and grieving the loss of your relationship and remembering all of the times with your spouse.

You're responsible for a dozen people. How are you holding up at work? Are you seeing a therapist?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Chrisly
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2016, 05:16:24 AM »

Hi Chrisly,

You're responsible for a dozen people. How are you holding up at work? Are you seeing a therapist?

Thank you.

After I was done typing all that, I realize what a giant task I just put on someone to read through it all.  I have not yet seen a therapist.  I have made some calls this week, just waiting for a referral.  

This process has taught me that I'm not as empathetic as I thought I was, and I suppose that is a disappointment in and of itself.  I came to the realization that I'm not willing to bend anymore... . But after 4 years of the proverbial "walking on eggshells", without any of us having a great understanding, we (or I) am just worn down and exhausted by the process.  I don't have it in me to set boundaries, deal with the inevitable crossing of boundaries, etc.  (farmers wouldn't have to build fences if cows didn't stroll).

All this being an adult is BS!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Regarding work, I'm pretty good at compartmentalization.  I can separate "church" and "state" as it were fairly effectively.  The downside is, this leads to M gaslighting and her therapists backing her up by telling her they feel that I suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.    Who knows - maybe it will turn out that it was me all along. <sigh>  Time will tell.  But it doesn't *FEEL* like me.  

In any case, I appreciate the warm welcome.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ladylee
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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2016, 01:51:15 PM »

Welcome Chrisly. I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. It sounds like you went into survival mode. Some people don't understand that's what happens to the partner who is dealing with the BPD who functions in that mode all the time. It doesn't make us bad people, it makes us healthy that we realize something's wrong and we have to get to safe ground. I'm getting strange reactions also from my own family because they really liked my husband, but they didn't live with him.  Its hard to find support because of the way the disorder has operated privately and publicly and snuck up or went into remission, then reappeared, and how much my tolerance for it grew. I hid it from family and friends well also, and let my life slip away, until my defenses said, NO, I will not let this person scrape their boots on me anymore! I do not do that anymore, give anyone the benefit of the doubt. There's no reason to, people ARE supposed to earn our trust. Its normal. If they are sneaking around or lying, chances are there's something hidden they do not want us to know because they know it is a boundary issue or they may lose us because our standards are too high.  It is not okay to manipulate with lies. I don't lie or sneak, never did. My passwords were always available. I never restrict my Facebook usage or lock my cellphone, he apparently did, dead giveaway. I pray you find the path forward soon.
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