Help with reaching out to loved one with BPD

[loved1998]

Hi everyone,
I'm looking for tips to reach out to my sister who has suspected BPD, but isn't yet interested in getting a diagnosis, no surprise...
She has accused our parents of the most heinous crimes towards her, none of which are real or true. The police carried out a very long investigation as her claims were so serious. They found zero evidence and from what I know of my parents none of what she has accused them of is even possible. They are heart broken, obviously, and for her sake, my sake, their sake and the sake of my sister's children and the rest of our family I don't want to lose contact with her, but the threat is that if we don't believe her she wants nothing to do with us.
How can I approach her to start a fresh dialogue? Do you think she'll even talk to me knowing I don't believe her? She used to be my best friend when we were children, but we have gone down very different paths in life. Ironically it might be that I'm one of her triggers, but I don't want that to be the reason not to reach out. If I shouldn't, then who should? I have another sister and a brother, but they have lost hope.
Many thanks in advance.

[Mommydoc]

Welcome loved1998. This sounds like a painful and confusing situation.
 
Can you share a little more about your relationship with your sister?  How close do you live to her, what was your normal frequency and mode of contact before the investigation.  Do you know what triggered her to make the accusations and how does her suspected BPD usually manifest? 

Overall, one of the things I have learned from this community is pwBPD have patterns of behavior but how they react to certain circumstances can be erratic and not predictable.  Self reflection, acceptance of our own part in the dysfunction , and learning tools that can help us react differently ourselves may be the most important thing. 

We have gone down very different paths in life. Ironically it might be that I'm one of her triggers,

“My existence” is a trigger for my sister with uBPD.  The more I learned about BPD, the more I understood her.  And the easier it became to realize that though there were things I could do to make it easier for myself, it was unlikely that I could prevent her from being triggered. I used to waste a lot of energy trying to avoid triggering her and overall it didn’t work.   I understand your desire to stay connected to her and her family.  If you decide to reach out, be prepared for her reaction.  And if she isn’t triggered this time,  it still may happen again  in the future. I don’t know enough, but based on what you have shared, I might consider waiting for her to reach out to you, as it will be on her terms and you can be ready.  Is there any time sensitivity to the situation? 

How are your parents doing, and how do they feel about your plan to reach out to her ( or do they need to even know?)


 

[pursuingJoy]

the threat is that if we don't believe her she wants nothing to do with us.

Is it possible that she'll demand your belief in her claims as a condition of talking to you? There is likely wisdom in avoiding this topic if you do reach out. If she brings it up, I wonder if we can help you brainstorm responses to let her know you care about her, but will not get into a back and forth about who's right and who's wrong. 

[loved1998]

Thank you Mommydoc and PursuingJoy.
In answer to your questions she has made it clear to our brother that when he reached out to say he would be in her area and could he come and visit, without any reference to her claims, she said that he could not because he doesn't believe her. She seems to have a different set of rules for everyone, but I can only assume that believing her is indeed a condition of talking to us. I will find out though.

My relationship with her is an interesting one! She is 9 years older than me, she's the oldest, I'm the youngest, but we formed a deep bond as she never really liked our other siblings, without any real reason why, so I became her refuge from the rest of the family. We are both highly creative in a family of white collar workers. I have lived in Los Angeles for the last 14 years, but am originally from the UK. My sister, along with the rest of my family, still live in England. Her first major episode came soon after I had moved to the States at the airport when I was leaving after I came back to visit for Christmas. I was heavily pregnant with my third child, she has two children, and for challenging her on her erratic and unfair behavior towards our mum at Heathrow she cut me out of her life for 3 months meaning she wouldn't know when I had my son. It was deeply confusing and painful, but the pattern continued. It seems that when one of her siblings are receiving more attention than her, for any reason, she comes up with a new story against our parents diverting their attention onto her and away from us. Since having another child and my career taking off in the US the accusations have got worse and worse and now have reached fever pitch with the police involvement. My parents recently gave her daughter a very generous 18th birthday present, as they do for all 12 of their grandchildren, and they received no word of thanks or even of receipt. She and her family have completely disappeared from our lives despite us reaching out.

[pursuingJoy]

You can definitely see the BPD patterns of extremes - at one point you're her refuge and favorite, and on the other end, you're devalued like everyone else.

What prompted you to want to reach out to her?

[loved1998]

Hi PursuingJoy,
As I stated in my first post I don't want to lose contact with her for the sake of many people in our family. But my main reason is her children. She has convinced her kids that their grandparents are pure evil and that their uncles, aunts and cousins have chosen to side against them. They used to be best friends with some of the cousins who have now been blocked on social media and asked not to reach out via text or phone calls. So it's not so much me reaching out for the first time in a long time as me wanting to approach in a fresh way to encourage communication between the whole family.
This might not be possible. Her children are now 20 and 18 and able to make up their own minds and, obviously, they have chosen their Mom.

[Notwendy]

Dear loved,

Welcome to this board. I am sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation that we here are dealing with some aspect of.

While you wish to remain in contact, I think it's important to be realistic about the potential limitations of your relationship with your sister.

My mother has BPD and she tends to split people to "her side" or "not her side". In my situation, she has "painted me black" to her family members. For me to clear the air, they would have to believe me, or believe her, because only one of us can be telling the truth. It's like accepting two different realities. That unfortunately puts them in the difficult situation of choosing. When they chose her, I stepped away, because to refute the lies she has said would make her a liar. They don't want to think that. Also, it would only reinforce what she has told them- and they probably wouldn't believe me.

They broke contact with me and then later reached out. So I am in contact, but with emotional distance.

My BPD mother lies constantly and tries to manipulate me. Although there's a history of emotional and verbal abuse, this is not the main deterrent to a relationship with her. For me, it's the lying and unaccountability for her actions and her constant manipulations. This is not what I consider a good relationship. I can be polite to her. I can not trust her or be emotionally close to her. My relationship with her would be considered "low contact" due to the lack of connection.

I don't mean to be pessimistic but a relationship with your sister, like a relationship with my mother- is limited by her ability to have a close, open, honest, and fair relationship. In my mother's case, it is impossible. She is not emotionally capable of it. No matter how much I might want it, or have wanted it, I have come to accept it's not possible. There's some grief associated with accepting this and it may be that if this is the situation with your sister, you may grieve the loss of what you hope for as well.

Yes, you were BFF's when you were younger. Consider the age difference. A person with BPD tends to have emotional immaturity. Consider this possibility that at one point, your emotional ages were similar, and that you didn't notice your sister's dysfunction due to being younger. You were not a possible threat to her self image as a younger person, you may have even looked up to her. I think pwBPD are fearful of their issues "being discovered" and you may have been young enough that she was not fearful of this.

The people who my mother allows in her circle are those who are not aware of her issues. She has a very social persona, and can hold it together in social situations. She's elderly now and some people in her circle are my age or younger, and see her as the sweet neighborhood grandmother. She prefers to be with people who would not catch on to her issues easily. If anyone does, they are dropped from her circle. They are not on "her side".

My best advice is to learn about BDP and the family dynamics it involves. While not everyone with BPD is the same, the patterns between people and in families tend to be similar. I agree with keeping contact for the sake of the children but also understand the limitations of a relationship with a disordered person, and the drama it might include, and decide for yourself just how much of this drama you wish to be involved with.

[loved1998]

I'm so sorry Notwendy. Your story is awful and I'm deeply sorry for the loss of relationships you have encountered. It sounds like you are safer without them however hard that might be. But I'm also very grateful that you took the time to share your story and advice. You're absolutely right. I have grieved the sister I thought I had and have reached the conclusion that I might never have a relationship with her moving forward. She has her circle of believers and those of us now on the outside. But I wanted to give it one last try as the only person in our family she hasn't deliberately cut off yet. 
All the best and thank you again.

[Notwendy]

Hi loved,

Thank you, and please keep in mind that telling my story was also for the purpose of sharing some of the things I have learned from trying, many times, to form a relationship with a family member with BPD. It's not easy to cut contact with a close family member and for many people, it's not for lack of trying. Many posters here have tried and still are.

It's to encourage you to learn about BPD and family dynamics before you do reach out. Perhaps you already have. While my own experience with my BPD mother has not been a positive one in many ways, learning about BPD and the family dynamics has made our relationship better than it might have been. People with BPD don't handle their own emotions well, and so keeping my own emotions out of our interactions has reduced the drama in them. Understanding BPD has also helped me to not take her behavior as personally and I react less to it.

Since every person with BPD is still their own individual and makes their own choices, I think what you are doing- giving it a try is your way of coming to some sort of peace for yourself- either in a relationship with your sister or keeping a distance. I did that as well, many times, until I learned what I could possibly manage in this situation.

I also think it's commendable that you wish to be in contact with her children. My father's family played an important role for me as a child. They didn't have a good relationship with my mother, but we were allowed to stay with them at times and formed a bond with them. Any positive impact on the children you can have is a good thing for all of you.