Starting counseling with a BPD mother

[OMK1104]

I suspect my mother has BPD. She has told me she is open to counseling because of our conflict issues, but not because she suspects that she is at all at fault (she thinks our failed relationship is my fault). I have been seeing a counselor for the last 6 months on my own; that counselor told me it sounded like my mom had BPD (my mom also is unaware that I’ve been seeing this counselor). I am about 30 percent through the book, Walking on Eggshells. I am now even more convinced that my mom had BPD and very possibly NPD as well. I am nervous about counseling; I feel that it could make things worse than they already are. My mom has threatened to kill herself many times; I believe her feelings of despair feel real to her, but I think she also tried to emotionally manipulate me by saying this. I am an only child and about to move out. I fear that moving out will exacerbate her emotions, as well as counseling. I’m struggling on if I should move forward with the counseling when I am about to move out. We already made an appointment, but I am thinking of cancelling. I don’t want to be responsibly for my mom’s actions, but it is difficult not to feel that way when she reminds me everyday that I am the reason she is depressed.

I’m looking for any advice or insights!

[khibomsis]

  OMK, and welcome to the family! Having a difficult mother is hard, I feel for you as you navigate the complexities. I am glad that you found us, though, we have all been through similar experiences.
Wonderful that you are seeing a counselor! I would go ahead with the joint therapy with your mom. Not because it is likely to be successful keeping the peace between you, for that your mom would have to take responsibility for her actions, and if she did that she wouldn't be BPD, now.  But it serves as a good place to 'park' conflict. When she starts railing at you for all your mistakes, you get to say "well, let's take that to therapy, shall we?" and walk away.
See what mothers with BPD want is attention, and blaming you is a way of entangling you in circular arguments.  Therapy gets to be that magic place where your mom gets all the attention she needs. The more you deprive her of it between sessions, the more she will want to go.  With time your life outside therapy will become more peaceful.
Yes, of course you should move out. Grab the chance to get a life of your own while you can. I can remember a year when all my mom's adult children were out of the house. She behaved  better than she had in my entire life.. Then my older sibling caved and moved back in, and things went downhill from there.

[pursuingJoy]

OMK, I've never regretted keeping a counseling appointment, even if it ended in more tension. I always learn something new about the situation, myself or the other person. I second the encouragement to keep it!

It makes me sad that she tells you you're to blame for her depression. You know that's not true, but it's still a hurtful thing to say. I'm sorry.

Are you seeing your counselor, or would this be a new one? If I'm anticipating a lot of conflict or tension in an appointment, it helps me to prepare. I set personal goals for the session, I rehearse responses to common accusations or topics, and I think about the tone I want to maintain throughout to accomplish my goals.

Keep us posted. Whether you decide to keep it or cancel, we're here.

[Choosinghope]

Hi OMK 

I've never done joint counseling with my uBPDm, and I would probably faint from shock if she ever agreed to something like that. But, as your mom has agreed to it, I second what the others have said and say, "Go for it!" I would also recommend role-playing with your current counselor how the session might go and prepare a bit for how to handle situations you are pretty sure will come up. Having mentally rehearsed a situation has always helped me feel much more confident, especially if you can prepare a couple default phrases that will help you keep your calm.

Something else you said that I wanted to address is your mom's claim that YOU are the reason that she is depressed. I sincerely hope that you can internalize soon that this statement is ridiculous. When my mom and I had our big falling out two years ago, she wrote in an email that her fibromyalgia was flaring up, my dad wasn't sleeping, and she was having panic attacks, and it was all my fault. I believed that for a while, until my counselor helped me understand just how ridiculous the claim was and how classic BPD it was. Last summer, she tried a similar tactic and claimed that all of my sisters were so stressed and that our (my mom and I) estrangement was making their lives so hard. Thankfully, that time I was prepared for the strategy and said something like, "Well, how about they talk to me about it then." Rule of thumb I've learned: Never accept responsibility for something that you are not directly responsible for. I'm assuming that you are not sitting up at night plotting ways to ruin your mom's mental health and make her depressed. If you're not doing that, then you aren't responsible. Feeling sympathy and responsibility are two very different things that we as children of BPD parents really struggle to differentiate.

Best wishes whichever route you take on the joint counseling.

[Methuen]

I am nervous about counseling; I feel that it could make things worse than they already are. My mom has threatened to kill herself many times; I believe her feelings of despair feel real to her, but I think she also tried to emotionally manipulate me by saying this. I am an only child and about to move out. I fear that moving out will exacerbate her emotions, as well as counseling. I’m struggling on if I should move forward with the counseling when I am about to move out. We already made an appointment, but I am thinking of cancelling. I don’t want to be responsibly for my mom’s actions, but it is difficult not to feel that way when she reminds me everyday that I am the reason she is depressed.

Here's my question OMK: why are you nervous about counselling?  Is it because you are attending counselling together, or because you have never seen a counsellor before, or because she chose the counsellor?  Did your mom choose this person, or did you?  

It would be my suggestion that the best way for this to work and actually have a chance of success, is if you each see the counsellor alone first before ever meeting together. Be forthright and frank, honest and don't hold anything back in that meeting.  Get it all out on the table because that will be your chance.  If your mom was in the room, you wouldn't be able to tell the truth.  For the counsellor to do their job, they need to understand the dynamic, and your truth, from you   Also, I wouldn't see a counsellor that your mom picked.  Also, I would do an internet search and check that the counsellor is registered with their governing professional association (eg. state or provincial college of psychologists or clinical counsellors).  Or maybe it's someone you have already seen and know and trust?

Personally, my uBPD mom refused to see anyone her entire life, not even with her husband, or with me.  When I wasn't coping with her behaviors, manipulations, rages, unpredictability, and craziness anymore, I started seeing a counsellor for myself, because I needed help, and I knew it.  It was life changing.  For the first time ever, I had support from someone who "got it".  Even my H who was supportive, never really "understood" because he's never been abused by her. She always treated him well.  I was her only victim, but we were married for 33 years, before my mom ever raged at me with him present (previously she always picked her moments when we were alone).  Despite this, there was a litany of other behaviors that made her a difficult MIL for my H.  But at least H and I were on the same page.  I was never in denial about my mother.  Some people are, and it affects their marriage.  My point though, is that the counselling has benefitted me immensely, to the point of giving me my life back.  I have had 1 good counsellor, one counsellor who was not a good match for me and I only saw twice, and 1 clinical counsellor who has been amazing.  Between that, and this BPD family community, and my H, I am now able to navigate my mother.  When she's in full BPD flare up, I still struggle, but I've got enough supports in place to get me through somehow. So I would definitely encourage you to find a counsellor who is a good match for you, regardless of whether or not your mother attends with you.  Lastly, only see a counsellor who has plenty of experience with BPD.  Some of them don't, and the latter would not be helpful.