Hi @Richguard23,
I read your posting earlier today and made a note to come back to this, especially after seeing your reply to my posting. Your journey has elements that remind me of things I've experienced. I just served papers to my wife, but thought I'd share several things about my journey with you.
First, as @Lucky Jim noted, thinking about the example this is setting for your children is a really good question to ask yourself. This was one of the key considerations in my decision, as I was becoming increasingly concerned that I was implicitly teaching my daughters that it was OK to mistreat a future spouse.
As for getting inertia, I can speak from experience (to this point in my journey) that it looks like there is a mountain ahead of you. What I found worked for me was to create a private google drive account that only I knew the password to and could store my thoughts and make journal entries along the way w/o my wife knowing about it. Initially, it contained ideas I had about things I could try to salvage the relationship and rekindle a connection. Later, this evolved into things I needed to organize and task lists should I reach the point where divorce was the only remaining option. I also created documents that had a list of the hurtful behaviors and actions that I could refer back to when I had moments of doubt about whether I was doing the right thing or not.
I found that taking every spare moment to tackle something on this list was key - even if it was a small thing like packing a bag of clothes should I need to leave on short notice. This way, I never felt like I was standing still and ensured I would be ready if I reached the point where I could no longer continue in the relationship. Also, over time the mountain got smaller as there was more behind me than ahead.
This is already a long posting, but I'll share several questions that I reflected upon when taking evaluating my options should these be helpful for you:
- Are things getting better, staying the same, or getting worse?
- Are there any signs that pwBPD is taking responsibility for their role in the relationship, or are things someone else's fault (like mine)?
- If I told a close family member or friend about my situation, would they want me to stay in this relationship?
- Do I feel emotionally safe and relaxed around this person, or do I get stressed around them?
- Do I feel mentally healthy right now?
- Am I over/under-eating or having sleep issues?
- Am I developing any issues with my physical health as a result of this stress?
- Does this person respect me, or am I treated with contempt?
- If this person does something hurtful, do they apologize for their actions and attempt to reconcile?
- Do I feel I can communicate my feelings to this person w/o being ridiculed, invalidated, or having my words twisted in a way that makes this "my fault"?
- What lessons am I teaching my children by staying in this relationship?
- If this relationship continues as it currently is over the next 20 years, what things and people might I miss out on during this time? (For example, are there family members, parents, etc. who might not be alive in 20 years and who you don't see now because you're spending all your time trying to repair your current relationship? How are you going to feel if the relationship never gets better and you missed your last opportunities in life to interact with these people, or put off doing something that in 20 years you are no longer physically able to do?)
- Does this person make attempts to repair the relationship on their own accord, or only in reaction to a threat of leaving?
- Am I free to pursue my own interests, or am I constantly seeking approval or permission to avoid being yelled at or abused?
Also, I think you mentioned praying. I don't like to push my religious beliefs on others, but praying for wisdom and courage was a big part of my path. Also, there is a podcast that I started listening to daily that has been really helpful for me. It's called "Catholic Inspiration" by Father Andrew Ricci in Superior, WI. Ironically, one of his best messages came two days before I served papers, and it dealt with how to discern good relationships from bad ones. Here's the link if you care to listen - it's 9 minutes, and he talks specifically about toxic relationships around the 7-minute mark:
https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/threegreatthings/21_06_23_-_Wed_of_12th_OT.mp3. Again, I'm not trying to push religion on anyone here, only sharing something that was helpful FOR ME.
In the end, only you can decide what path is best for you. Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck. There seems to be a lot of good people in this forum that are willing to help and have been through similar circumstances if you need to talk things through further.
Take care.