isolated by marriage - first post

[Skylark46]

I have come to this support site at the recommendation of my therapist who helps me deal with my husband's bpd traits. We were childhood friends and have been together for a long time, and now we are married for 10 years and are in our mid-thirties. He always had some anger issues and came from an abusive family, but we understood each other because I experienced abuse too. However, I have taken years to actively work through my issues, and he has stagnated - even regressed. We got married when he was showing promise; he was finishing his masters degree, and I was willing to go with him anywhere there was opportunity for him. We were very close and enjoyed our relationship very much. The future was hopeful.

However, shortly after he graduated and we married, everything changed. He stopped working. He withdrew into himself. Suddenly everyone else in the world was to blame for his perceived slights. It's been years now and he never leaves our apartment. My poor-paying job in social services is draining me, and I come home to be further emotionally exhausted by his needs. Plus, I am paying for everything - groceries, rent, insurance, car, our student loans (his are ridiculous from the advanced degree he isn't using). I feel like my husband has turned into my child, and I no longer can rely on him for support - financial or emotional.

But the real reason I think I am here is that I feel very isolated by my relationship. I have lost most of my friends because I don't want to talk about what's going on at home, so I withdraw too. I don't want to have to explain it to them. I can't relate to many of my work peers - they are all having babies and buying houses, two things I used to hope for, now I know they are distant and quickly fading dreams. I never planned for my life to be like this, but I know I can't leave him at this point. I want him to get better and us to have the life we planned together, but right now all I can hope for is days where he is calm and distracted. I can't even talk to him about any of this or think of leaving because he has a history of suicidal ideations, and I am not prepared to take on that kind of worry. Instead I keep the peace and fall apart inside.

Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like he’s depressed. Is he willing to seek medical attention for that?

You’ve been shouldering a big burden for a long time. Do you have anyone that you feel comfortable with with whom you can talk about your life?

I can imagine you’d not want to talk with someone who’d question why you’d tolerate supporting your husband’s inability to support himself, but what about seeking a support group such as AlAnon or CoDa? It sounds as if you really need some IRL emotional support beyond therapy.

Here’s an article that gives an overview of what you’re experiencing: 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Skylark-

Welcome to our family.  I hope you’ll stay for awhile.  I hope you’ll become comfortable here and come to understand that many of us who are in, or have been in relationships or marriages with disordered partners, ourselves endured traumatic periods during our younger days.  We understand where you stand today.

When I was in my 19-year marriage I said nothing... until the night he threw me across the room.  There was a-LOT I didn’t know or understand until years later.  He is NPD/BPD (confirmed through his first wife, PHD psych).  And during the course of my next 6.5-year relationship with my now exBF (also BPD/NPD) I LEARNED (and hurt) way too much.  About him.  About me.

I think sometimes we can become so “functional” to our partners that they don’t or WON’T do anything for themselves.  And certainly will NOT do anything for us.  And it simply doesn’t seem to matter how deeply they are hurting us... unless they see we may be about to leave.  But then it’s still about what THEY will be left “without”.. at least that was the case with mine.

My friend, I see hope for you.  I do.  And there ARE things you can do to ease a bit of your burden and pain, if you’re willing.  I hope you are.  And each step will lead to more.

There are so many parts of this, and I know it can be extremely overwhelming.  I don’t want to overwhelm you.  When we take on the mothering or caretaker role for our partners, our resentment builds.  No way around that.

If your H is not going to be a contributor, then it’s up to you to step back from rescuing in places where perhaps you “don’t belong”.  His student debt is his, and if you did not co-sign or guarantee those loans, I don’t believe you have ANY OBLIGATION to make those payments.  Can you stop yourself?

I understand your feeling that you have lost your friendships because you don’t wish to discuss what’s going on at home.  Have you considered that these friends may feel deeply saddened that they have lost you?  You don’t have to tell them anything you’re not comfortable with, but you also don’t need to punish yourself by keeping yourself in isolation from all people who love and cherish you.  You are allowed to laugh, hear music, share a cocktail, embrace, feel the warmth and  be WITH people.  Your friends will understand, more than you may know.

Cat made good suggestions about CoDa (Codependent’s Anonymous) or AlAnon. 

And I believe staying here is great for you.  For you.  Because your focus has been solely on your H’s needs and behaviors, and it’s high time for you to have some “soul” food.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Selfishsally]

Hi skylark-
     I'm new to the community as well and have been married for 11 years.  Just started therapy myself. My situation sounds a little different then what you are going through right now, but I too understand the isolalation of it all. I feel like I am never able to be completely genuine with my friends and luckily I have 2 that stay around but they know nothing about my relationship.

Just wanted to say I hear you and see you.
And hope you get some support around you!