New to the site

[S@sh]

I believe my mother has BPD, but she's undiagnosed. Our relationship has always been difficult, and I'm just now (in my 40s) starting to understand how abuse her behavior is and has been. I've been working with a therapist & have finally found the courage to speak directly to my mother about how her behavior has impacted me. I feel sorry for her, but I'm angry that she shows no remorse or accountability for her behavior.  Now that I've spoken up, my mom is no longer speaking to me. Guilt hangs over me, but the distance is helping me see how our relationship has never been healthy. I'm looking to connect with others to learn from their experience in similar situations.

[Turkish]

Does your therapist have experience with communicating with people with BPD? How did you speak up to her?

Even though she took it offensively, it's a good first step to advocate for yourself. How has your relationship been unhealthy?

[pursuingJoy]

S@sh, just want to say welcome.  You're in good company, and no doubt you've read the many stories here that reflect your own. 

I've been working with a therapist & have finally found the courage to speak directly to my mother about how her behavior has impacted me.

I applaud your courage. This was such a big step that will set things in a different direction that can be painful for all, but it's such an important one. I echo Turkish's question - how did you speak up? We'd love to know more.

pj

[Mommydoc]

Welcome S@sh! Sharing our stories here and gaining the insights and support of others who have experienced similar things helps a lot.  When we acknowledge the impact our family member with BPD  is having on us and take action like you did to speak up, the feelings of guilt are pretty common. As I have learned, pwBPD utilize fear, guilt and obligation, very effectively as a way to gain control over their own pain.  I commend you for your courageous act of speaking your truth constructively.

[Pugmom]

Hi S@sh,
My mother also has undiagnosed BPD.  She cut me out of her life about 3 years ago, after re-entering after a 4 year estrangement.  I also have an adult, 18, daughter with BPD.  I have spent many years not even knowing that my pain came from my relationship with my mother and her lack of empathy or care.  I am now 50 and have a much better understanding of my childhood and the impact of her toxicity on me growing up and now.  It doesn't change how bad I feel.  The guilt I feel for not being in her life when she lives alone at 81 years old.  However, I have to remind myself that she chose that path, not me.  I didn't stop talking to her, she did that.  She has no relationship with anyone, none of her 3 kids, her sister, nieces, not even her mother when she was alive.  She has alienated everyone.  The only one she has any kind of relationship with is my 18 year old daughter.  And I believe that's because she can manipulate her and turn her against me.  The pain is unbearable at times.  I have to use self-talk often and see a therapist weekly (and I'm a therapist myself for 30 years).  It truly is one of the hardest things to go through.  My mom stopped talking to us the first time because my husband bought my dad (step-dad) groceries because he was housebound and she refused to feed him.  She said he was abusing her and we were taking his side.  None of that was true.  This last time she stopped talking to us because I made the mistake of letting her know I talk to my aunt (her sister whom she hasn't spoken to for over 30 years).  Apparently this was unacceptable.  She doesn't say any of these things just cuts us off and won't answer the phone or emails or anything.  There's only so much I can reach out and try.  For my mental health I have to stay away.  She is too toxic to be around.  I do feel bad too.  But if she is not able or unwilling to get help then I can't be the one who helps her.

Good luck and reach out anytime.  I do know what you're going through.

[S@sh]

Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It helps to know what others have gone through & to pick out similarities in patterns and others' experiences.

My relationship with my mother has always been strained. She had a stroke before COVID, and it unlocked a bunch of conflicted feelings I've had (some were buried). I honestly didn't know if I wanted to see her, and I didn't know if seeing me would be good for her fragile health. I didn't want to add to her anxiety or stress while she was in the hospital. Thankfully, the stroke was minor and she has fully recovered.

I found a therapist after the stroke & he indicated that my mom's sadism, impulsivity, and poor judgement were consistent with BPD. I wasn't familiar with BPD until therapist mentioned it about 6 months ago. I read Understanding the Borderline Mother & the Queen chapter felt a like word-for-word summary of my life. My mom is outgoing, delightful, and giving to other people. I've always gotten the worst of her--verbal, emotion, and at times, physical abuse. It wasn't until her after stroke, that I could see her clearly. I'd often thought about her behavior as isolated incidents, but once I stitched my memories together, I saw how bad the situation was. My therapist pointed out that it like she has a compulsive need to punish me.

My mom ghosted me after my father passed (they were divorced). She called me about once a year & we weren't speaking regularly for the last 5 years. We started speaking more after the stoke. Speaking might not be the right word--my mom wants to give a monologue & insult me while I am supposed to listen and praise her.

We had two recent difficult phone calls about her behavior. I finally put my thoughts in a letter & tried to word it as kindly as I could. I tried to be factual and not judgey. I recalled some of the worst memories and laid out the impact her behavior has had on my life, my health, and my sense of self. I was hoping for accountability, and all I got was gaslighting. My mom texted me & said the real problem was that I hold onto things and take things too seriously. She was bored with my anger and said she already knew how I felt. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 months. In some ways, I'm honestly relieved. I don't know what's next, there is just no good outcome.

Thanks for listening!

[zachira]

You are not alone in figuring out that your mother has BPD. My heart goes out to you. My mother with BPD died two years ago. Like yours, my mother could not hear how I felt and got upset when I was honest about how I felt about our relationship. One of the most effective strategies that worked with my mother was having people around she wanted to look good in front of whom she did not want to see how she really treated her family behind closed doors. We are here to listen and support you. Many of us have been on PSI for several years, as we continue to learn how to negotiate our relationships with our disordered family members while they are alive and afterwards. My biggest shock has been since mom died how my siblings are abusing me in ways that are much worse than mom did when she was alive.

[pursuingJoy]

It wasn't until her after stroke, that I could see her clearly.

I think this is so interesting. Why do you think the stroke was the catalyst?

I was hoping for accountability, and all I got was gaslighting.

Her response was mean and hurtful. Honest self-reflection would likely be far too painful for her to manage.

The gaslighting can be so disheartening. On one hand, you kind of expect it, but on the other hand, it affirms the outcome you didn't want.

I don't know what's next, there is just no good outcome.

Do you mean no good outcome in your relationship with her?