Need Support

[marv1995]

Hello everyone! This is my first post here and I could really use some support. My partner (well ex-partner as he broke up with me last night) is diagnosed bipolar 2 and ADHD, but after extensive research on my part, I have found he fits most of the criteria for BPD as well. We have been on and off for a year and a half because every few months he will end things, claiming he wants to be alone, then will come back a few weeks later. He has explosive anger, black and white thinking, and extremely impulsive behaviors. Like I mentioned, he just ended the relationship again last night after having me spend the entire week with him and his family and talking about marriage. He told me he just wants to be alone and is ending things for good, which is the same exact thing he's said every other time. He also said he is so happy in the relationship when we are physically together but miserable when we aren't...classic BPD and their lack of object permanence. He's currently untreated, and I know this is a recipe for disaster, but I don't want to leave him. He was on mood regulators but he stopped taking those. For the most part I've learned how to deal with his minor splits by just giving him space for a few hours, but I haven't learned how to handle him breaking up and leaving except for respecting his decisions. His mom called me last night to make sure I was okay and we talked for a bit...she said his dad did the same thing to her and that my partner did the same thing to his last girlfriend. It's just so difficult and exhausting. I don't want to leave him, I love him dearly and when things are good they are great. We have so much fun together. I've never enjoyed being around someone as much as I do him. I guess I could just use some words of support and encouragement.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It seems you’ve done some research.    I would suggest you read more here and look at the Tools section at the top of this page.

It’s got to be devastating to hear those words shortly after thinking you’re planning for a life together. Is your partner in therapy currently?

[marv1995]

It seems you’ve done some research.    I would suggest you read more here and look at the Tools section at the top of this page.

It’s got to be devastating to hear those words shortly after thinking you’re planning for a life together. Is your partner in therapy currently?

Unfortunately he is not in therapy I have tried getting him to go many times. This last time he even asked me to send him some contact information about a therapist I had found, but as far as I know, he never contacted them. A few weeks ago he was actually doing research on different therapists on his own, but nothing ever came of it.

[marv1995]

Reading through all of these posts and it seems as if I'm not alone and that this is extremely common with BPD. I think it just confuses me because I know they have a chronic fear of abandonment so then why do they leave? "Leave before you're left?" Do they alternate between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment? What would be my best option at this point? I texted him today to let him know that I loved him and I'm sorry he's hurting. I told him I didn't need a response and didn't want one if he was still upset, that I just wanted to let him know I loved him. Should I just leave it alone now?

[Voudou]

Honestly, leaving them alone is all we really can do. I am currently in a similar situation, while my partner did not officially end it again it feels the same. The same words, the same behavior. But I have found that if I do not leave it alone, it risks creating more perceived stress and more pushing away.