Looking for some guidance about BPD with Bf (ex)?--Is this normal?

[VeronicaL]

Sorry this tis my first post. We had been together over a year. Extremely intense love and truly the LOML. Almost 2 months ago, he  broke up with me out of the blue but now when I think about his talk and our texts and read his reasons, I believe he has some depression/anxiety and Quiet high functioning BPD.  I only saw him act a little 'weird' like quiet or tired and just look trashed maybe a few weeks before he broke up.

I once heard his mother ask if he took his medicine (he never told me this). This is why I think he has something he takes it for. He is extremely private about everything (even me as closest to him he has a hard time opening). His parents have told me he is completely private and doesn't tell them anything.  He is always hiding reality "I'm fine" when he is not fine about anything; he does not show anger or moods normally but as I said he is hiding it. We had a great relationship and saw each other most days and talked on text/phone multiple times daily...all different mediums. Trust was never an issue. He is extremely honest yet private. He has NEVER shown jealousy but I actually think he is.  I have been his longest and most serious relationship but he is the kind to move from one to another.  Since the breakup he has been working out, not athletic so I was thinking to get some happy chemicals going. He has not told me, yet I know he is. He was always my rock and wanting to know all about me and always like the caregiver, cheerleader, always making sure I am ok.  I believe he may have some detachment issues )-does not cry, stoic, etc.

I did notice he was a bit frazzled/falling asleep alot in early May. Literally every convo I was the love of his life, all that.  Out of the blue, he told me basically he has a big problem, that no one knows about, just me (and he can't tell me the problem) and that he is feeling different not about me, he is still in love with me, but that he can't be in a ROMANTIC relationship the same time that  he is trying to figure out this problem and he doesn't know how to, or how long it will take. It seemed this problem happened suddenly. He has repeatedly said if not for this problem we would be together. He said that he tried for a few weeks and can't do both. He said it would not be good for our relationship or fair. He is not doing much besides work and working out. At first he said he needed time to process it all. Was not having an easy time. Not seen many friends. We are still in contact, talk alot per day. He is 'quieter' but tells me he loves me everyday, misses me, etc. We have seen each other finally a couple times (hug, cuddle). Not planning to hook up w him.  I am not talking about the problem bc it stresses him. I actually think some problem was going on but he really cared and got over emotional -he blew up w emotion. In the back of his mind he knows I also may (probably not tho)move away next year.  

I almost feel like he is emotionally stunted right now, coming from a person so emotionally full of life towards me.  I'm very worried about him. Says counselors can't help his kind of problem. This was like a light switch. It's not another person almost sure and asked him. He seems to be really vigilant about  keeping that friend line during this, and I don't quite get that. Like he is stuck on it--I think maybe he can't feel romance or intimacy right now. Told me, he can't be who I need him to be right now and I deserve better.

My question is - does it ever just happen like this out of the blue? What is up with the demarcation of the friend/romance? Like he is stuck on that.  I feel like he needs me as the friend (says I am helping him alot)but in a way trying to sabotage it. I mean the day before this happened it is always him wanting to spend all the time together.  He has NEVER been cold to me..But every once in a while I pick up hot/cold in texts. OR if he feels he is getting back the romance part (ie caring) he needs to slip back to the friend part.  This whole thing is just very abnormal for him.

I am really having a hard time. Thanks for any advice.

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[Rev]

Hi Veronica,

Welcome! And I'm sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you are trying to make sense of something that seems to have caught you by surprise and certainly hurts, perhaps more than you are aware right now.

One thing that we all struggle with is this shock and we all search for answers, often where there is none.

Does your boyfriend have a diagnosis that you are aware of. Generally speaking, when someone has a personality disorder, medication is not effective per se. Someone with a personality disorder may suffer from depression and/or anxiety (of which we see more during the pandemic) but that isn't getting to the root of the problem.

My intuition is telling me that something else is happening here - and that perhaps is bi-polar disorder (ie - manic depression) and perhaps more general depression even.  Which would change the way you may want to interact with him.

What do you think?

Write back if and when you feel you have more to say.

Rev

[VeronicaL]

Wow thank you so much for the caring response. And so quickly. No he does not have the formal diagnosis. I am sure he would keep it quiet anyway.

Tbh, my first stop was depression/anxiey. After weeks of researching I kept coming back to depersonalization which I believe is under this umbrella too. I have some experience with family members and a college friend w bipolar that I lived with from her diagnosis onwards..so that was on the table too since I know alot about it.

But yes there is alot going on as you said.

He is really going out of his way to protect me from whatever  is really getting to him.
It's definitely some issue, which is why I am being so patient so to speak.

But thank you I will take any guidance I can get.

[VeronicaL]

Wow thank you so much for the caring response. And so quickly. No he does not have the formal diagnosis. I am sure he would keep it quiet anyway.

Tbh, my first stop was depression/anxiey. After weeks of researching I kept coming back to depersonalization which I believe is under this umbrella too. I have some experience with family members and a college friend w bipolar that I lived with from her diagnosis onwards..so that was on the table too since I know alot about it.

But yes there is alot going on as you said. He has always said this has nothing at all to do with me, and his feelings haven't changed.  I can't imagine not being able to share this. You would never know he is depressed either if that us what it is..hides it.

He is really going out of his way to protect me from whatever  is really getting to him.
It's definitely some issue, which is why I am being so patient so to speak.

But thank you I will take any guidance I can get.

[Rev]

He is really going out of his way to protect me from whatever  is really getting to him.
It's definitely some issue, which is why I am being so patient so to speak.

But thank you I will take any guidance I can get.

So if this is happening - the protecting part, I would say that a BPD / NPD personality disorder is off the table. A top trait of these types of personality challenges is a total lack of empathy - the more they hurt, the less empathy they have.

Have you heard of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?  You can find a free audio version on YouTube. Have a listen. It'll seal the deal about what your friend - is going through.

If he's being protective - then something is going on in him that he may not want to show you.  Tell me - is he a "guy's guy" if you know what I mean?  

Based on what you write here, he's not "not wanting" you in his life. He's getting stuff sorted out.  I used the double negative on purpose to highlight that point.

Hang in there

Rev

[VeronicaL]

Thank you.
No he is completely NOT a "guy's guy'" at ALL.  Opposite. Normally, he is an extremely empathic, sensitive person...but never cries but must have a load of emotions he keeps inside. Right now tho I feel he is kind of detached.  He has said he feels "different" right now, but not about me or us.  

I said the protection thing- he did not say that.  I assumed it bc he said it is not good for our relationship right now and not fair to me to be if he is doing romantic relationship the same time solving this problem. . This thing affects his whole life he said. .

He even said that he would have kept the problem inside and not told me, just like everyone else, but he had to bc it he just couldn't do both at the moment and he couldn't do the romantic piece. Otherwise he wold have kept going and hid the problem

Going to check out that book.


The other thing he did say was that around others, he can pretend everything is fine, but around me he can't bc our love is too important  and I am closest to him.

[marv1995]

If it is BPD, it happens all the time! A few weeks ago I spent the entire week with my partner and his family and he was telling me how much he loved me and wants to marry me. A few days later he ended the relationship, which he has done 8 times since we've been together. He says he just wants to be alone. We haven't spoken in 4 days. It's the classic push/pull that people with BPD do for various reasons. He also has bipolar 2.

[Rev]

The other thing he did say was that around others, he can pretend everything is fine, but around me he can't bc our love is too important  and I am closest to him.

So that's a huge tell in the positive direction. Show me a man that acts out in public and I will show you a man who is unraveling. When it's in private, he's working on something that he wants to fix or heal.

That he's telling you this, to my mind anyways, means that he really does trust you. My gut is telling me that he doesn't want to fail you.

My gut is also telling me there's childhood trauma of some kind.   Go slow with him, support him as best as you can. Nothing you are telling me suggests BPD but depression.

Hang in there. 

Rev

[VeronicaL]

Thank you very much. He does trust me.  I am still going to keep on this page bc I still think I see some things.

I am not 100% sure yet what I think it could be.

I am staying close to him.  He really is a great person, and when I think that he could have just lied and made up an excuse to break up instead of cryptically telling me.I respect him for it even if he could not come out and tell me exactly.

No matter what it is. He's got my support
 Thank you for your input.

[VeronicaL]

I guess I also didn't realize that you can turn depression off and on for some people. How can he act like things are ok around friends but not me. (besides he was stressing out bc we spend so much time together he knew he could not 'be happy' all the time without it coming out I guess).

He could not see me for a few weeks after he 'imploded' with emotions to tell me he had a problem. I had something really important to do and it was stressing me out for our scheduled talk . It was like he HAD to tell me instead of waiting a few days after I had another stressful situation to deal with.  So it is definitely tied to his emotions I believe.  Even then he was super worried about my well being...Maybe he felt himself crashing I don't know.

I also don't get why turn the relationship into be friends with me, hang out, cuddle, etc yet make that clear mark of of friendship versus romantic relationship (which he can't do right now) between us. Why can one be around you not depressed as a friend but it won't work in bf/gf...Unless there are all kinds of thing like emotion/intimacy issues, lower sex drive, building walls, etc..  Telling me he loves me and helping more that I can ever know. I don't know how.

I don't know I am still mulling it all back and forth what it is--since I feel he could be the quiet type still whether it is depression or this. He has an awful time opening up to people, sometimes about really minor stuff. One could even think the privacy is dishonest but it is not..he is really honest luckily just programmed this way, opposite of me.

[Rev]

I guess I also didn't realize that you can turn depression off and on for some people. How can he act like things are ok around friends but not me. (besides he was stressing out bc we spend so much time together he knew he could not 'be happy' all the time without it coming out I guess).

He could not see me for a few weeks after he 'imploded' with emotions to tell me he had a problem. I had something really important to do and it was stressing me out for our scheduled talk . It was like he HAD to tell me instead of waiting a few days after I had another stressful situation to deal with.  So it is definitely tied to his emotions I believe.  Even then he was super worried about my well being...Maybe he felt himself crashing I don't know.

I also don't get why turn the relationship into be friends with me, hang out, cuddle, etc yet make that clear mark of of friendship versus romantic relationship (which he can't do right now) between us. Why can one be around you not depressed as a friend but it won't work in bf/gf...Unless there are all kinds of thing like emotion/intimacy issues, lower sex drive, building walls, etc..  Telling me he loves me and helping more that I can ever know. I don't know how.

I don't know I am still mulling it all back and forth what it is--since I feel he could be the quiet type still whether it is depression or this. He has an awful time opening up to people, sometimes about really minor stuff. One could even think the privacy is dishonest but it is not..he is really honest luckily just programmed this way, opposite of me.

These are all excellent self-reflective questions.  I would encourage to keep mulling it over ... your intuition seems to be kicking in.

Keep it up...

Hang in there...

If I could hold up something positive for you in terms of a thought or an image or a prayer, what would it be?

Rev

[VeronicaL]

A hummingbird or a butterfly that he comes back better  and we come back even better than before