how to talk with my 30 yo son?

[AKK]

greetings.  new here.  my son recently suffered a psychotic episode landing him in Bellevue for a week; since his discharge, almost a month ago, he's been staying with me.  somehow I think it's less substance abuse, less related to NY's reopening since COVID, both of which he identifies as reasons for his extreme paranoia, complete with hallucinations, but the fact**  that his SO -his fiancé - suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder  (**I say fact; it's not; it's my armlength diagnosis, and suggested too by my therapist). I think he is fearful that he's losing himSELF as she continues to weave him into her web.  (am I sounding crazy here?)

So.  he (matt) is thinking of returning to her and their home in Brooklyn this Sunday. 

Q:  do I let him know of my "diagnosis" - that it's not so much HIM, but HER?   

Thanks for any/all insight/advice you offer.     ~ a.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey AKK, welcome to the group --

It's scary when loved ones have psychotic episodes. Was that his first one?

Glad he got some help, yet here you are watching as he seems to be planning an unhealthy move, only weeks after discharge. How long has he been together with his GF?

Yes, the BPD/NPD pairing is... something else 

Does he see you in a positive light these days? Or are you "the bad guy"?

Briefly, re: your question...

I think what we wish for with the pwPDs (people with personality disorders) in our lives, is that if SOMEONE just told them the truth, they'd appreciate it, see the light, and start to change their ways. I'm thinking you'd love it if you could tell your son, "Hey bud, you know all the issues you've been dealing with? Well, your GF is mentally unwell, and it's impacting your sense of self. In fact, she meets many criteria for NPD. It'd be best if you break up with her -- she's not a healthy person." And then, in an ideal world, he'd say, "You know, I never thought about it that way, but you're right -- all the pieces are falling in to place. I'll mail her a breakup letter and cut all ties."

That's not a bad thing to want for your child -- for him to see the light and be healthy.

The struggle is, if he's dealing with PD traits, is that he may be hypersensitive to any criticism, real or perceived; have some ansognosia (denial that there is even a problem), use black-or-white (extreme) thinking, and dysregulate emotionally.

Sometimes, when we share how we see things, and it's an emotionally charged issue (like a possible diagnosis for a romantic partner), it escalates the situation and the pwPD doubles down on their behavior, and can't hear or take in what we're saying.

What do you think so far?

Again, welcome, and I'm sorry you're dealing with so much.

kells76