I'm too angry and hurt to support or validate

[Bluesapphire]

I've been reading lots of information from this site, posts, and books about navigating a relationship with someone with BPD. I'm just starting to work on some skills to communicate more effectively with my BPD mom and brother. I know JADEing is something that I need lots of practice in not doing and I can understand how to put this in to practice when I communicate with them (I might struggle doing it, but I get HOW to do it).

I also see people mention SET quite a bit. I don't know how to authentically do this right now? I am so angry and hurt by their continuous verbal/emotional abuse, manipulations, and gas lighting that the idea of supporting or empathizing with them makes me feel sick to my stomach. Examples of this technique recommend saying things like "I care about you" or "I'm worried about how you are feeling" or "I see you are angry and I can understand how you can be mad at me." The problem is I don't know that I care about them right now...honestly sometimes I feel like I am pretty close to hating them. I'm not worried about them...I want them to stop making me feel like a horrible person for having my own needs, wants, interests, friends, etc...And I don't understand how they can be angry with me.

How do others use this strategy effectively? I know supporting and validating are supposed to help, but being unauthentic about them isn't good. I were to attempt to do these things at this point, I know there is no way I could be authentic. I feel like I would be betraying myself to try to say these things to them right now.

[Mata]

I've struggled with the same thing at points with my BPDmom.  For me, what helped was to reframe how I viewed SET.  Instead of looking at it as truly supporting or empathizing with her (which I often just can't do), I think of it as simply a communication formula.  I tend to more state my observations or make neutral statements, rather than insert my feelings.  So instead of "I'm worried about how you are feeling" I might say "I can see you are upset/worried/angry about x."  Also, sometimes SET just doesn't feel right, and that's okay too.   

[once removed]

How do others use this strategy effectively? I know supporting and validating are supposed to help, but being unauthentic about them isn't good.

dont use examples.

examples are just that: examples. they are good to learn from, and why.

the most important thing about any communication technique is authenticity, and using your natural language. if you try to use magic words on someone, they will see right through it, and it will have the opposite effect than what youre hoping to achieve.

more over, when youre at your most hurt, and angry, its not always the best time to communicate, at least in depth.

[Methuen]

I am so angry and hurt by their continuous verbal/emotional abuse, manipulations, and gas lighting that the idea of supporting or empathizing with them makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Bluesapphire we've all been there and at least have a bit of a clue what you are going through. This is not the time to try out strategies such as SET, but is instead a time for you to take care of YOU. Set those other things aside for later.

What kinds of activities help you to get back to your baseline?  My preferred therapies include a hike in the forest, or yoga, or a jog on my treadmill (when I'm really angry this helps turn all my negative energy into a release of good endorphins for me), or a big dose of hazelnut Swiss chocolate. Also helpful is meeting with my T, and seeking support on this forum.  Movies, a hot bath, and working on a hobby are also good.  What works for you?

[Notwendy]

I have heard posters say on the relationship board- why should they change and be supportive to this person who is behaving so badly? They need to be the one to change.

I think it helps to reverse this kind of thinking into a form of self care and self development. This is not about them, but about you, and gaining tools to reduce the drama on your part. The good thing about learning this is that- the skills we gain are the ones we keep- and we become better with them.

Working on co-dependency- whenever I complained about another person- my sponsor turned the mirror on me. This was frustrating at first but then I saw the benefits of it. One day, my BPD mother said something to me that ordinarily would have upset me, and I realized it didn't.

Every relationship takes two. Our BPD mothers raised us. They can push our buttons. But our emotional reactions are on our side- they are with us and that's the part we can work on.

This doesn't mean don't feel our feelings. Quite the opposite. Most of us have been ignoring our feelings and focusing on our BPD parent's feelings. It's good you recognize that you are angry, too angry to be supportive. It's OK. What's on your part is how to respond. One thing I learned was that if I was feeling upset or angry - I was not in any emotional place to be supportive- what I needed was self care.

Take care of you- if you need a time out- take a walk, disengage from the situation, talk to someone, get counseling if you wish, but do take care of yourself.

Think of the SET and validation responses not about helping them, but about helping you. Giving you a pause in the drama so you can get your thoughts and feelings together. These tools are primarily for us, and if they benefit the other person, that's good too. Pay attention to your feelings, take care of yourself is a first step. Also realize it takes time and practice to make changes with yourself, and give yourself some grace. Sometimes it's two steps forward and one step backwards.