How to suggest that adult sibling needs help

[Sydney08]

My 67 year-old sister has been "extra" and somewhat larger than life for as long as I can remember. My brother(s) and mother have been saying that her behavior is disturbing for years and that they often have to walk on eggshells around her but I had taken their statements with a grain of salt because they all have their own "stuff" and she wasn't really angry and short fused with me, probably because I've lived in another state with my husband for the past 37 years. Until recently. My husband and I moved back to my hometown where my sister, and my mom and brother live. My brother lives and takes care of our 90 year-old mother and my sister is a frequent (1-2 times a day visitor and "helper"). In preparation for our mom"s 90th birthday celebration which my husband and I hosted in our new home, my sister often tried to make it about her by pushing to invite her friends, etc. and by the end of the party I realized that there was something seriously wrong with her when I found her leaning into her car, mauling our mother's birthday cake with her hands, in response to my insistence that she return the cake to me so that our brother could deliver to our mother at home. I believe that my moving back has been a stressor for her and I want to help her to get help. My brother is pushing for somekind of intervention, but I'm not sure that we can pull that off. She is married but her husband lives with/takes care of his elderly parents in another town so he comes here every couple of weeks for a long weekend. I've just read "The Essential  Family Guide to BPD" but I still don't know how we should approach it with her. I have a highly recommended Psychiatrist to contact (our clinical social worker aunt recommended one as my sister also has a benign tumor exterior to frontal lobe). I just don't know if one-on-one is better or a family intervention...She is prone to raising her voice and outward anger as opposed to self-injury. I'm thinking about writing her a letter and reading it to her so that she has something to re-read later. I don't really have trouble setting boundaries but my mom and brother would like to change the locks to their house so that she can't just barge in all the time. Our mom has some cognitive impairment and it is stressful for her when my sister is angry and we'd like to protect her from that. Can I set that boundary for my mom? I'm sorry, I know I've said alot here.   But I would really like to hear how others approached this with their BP. Thanks for listening.

[pursuingJoy]

I just don't know if one-on-one is better or a family intervention...She is prone to raising her voice and outward anger as opposed to self-injury. I'm thinking about writing her a letter and reading it to her so that she has something to re-read later.

I completely understand the desire to either write a letter or stage an intervention. Do you think she'll be receptive, based on your experience?

my mom and brother would like to change the locks to their house so that she can't just barge in all the time.

This sounds like a really good idea.

Our mom has some cognitive impairment and it is stressful for her when my sister is angry and we'd like to protect her from that. Can I set that boundary for my mom?

Do you have local offices that support aging residents? I wonder if calling Adult Protective Services just to get process information would be enlightening? I'm concerned that your sister's aggression could really create issues.

There are others here who have great experience with supporting aging parents, hoping they chime in!

[beatricex]

hi Sydney08,
Well I am sort of but not really going through something similar.

Someone here suggested I read "the Gift of Fear."  I have and it was very enlightning.

After reading that book, I have no suggestions for my BPD mother, my suspected BPD brother (the one threatening violence against his wife) and I am perfectly content to let my other 5 siblings take care of my parents as they age.

A quick update on my situation is my parents recently asked me and my husband to take their dog for a month and a half.  I decided that after talking to my brother for 8 hours, about our BPD mom (he disagreed with me) and him changing the topic to his current situation, which is not good - he is likely going to go through divorce #3 - that NC with my FOO is the safest thing for me.  Not jumping in and trying to fix anyone, but disconnecting.  Leaving them to their own chaos.  Not making myself a target anymore.  BTW, my mom texted my husband (not me) that she had just boarded her dog and they were driving by and she wanted to say "hi."  Do see the problem with this?  It's triangulation.  She didn't text me, she texted my husband.  It's like she's trying to make me out to be the crazy one.  I am sure the convo I had with my brother got back to her, and now her goal is likely to get me into some sort of counseling.  She has been projecting her BPD on me since I was in my late 20's.  She enlists my siblings and spouses too.  So, that can backfire, trying to "help" a BPD, or even just complaining to a family member.

I think with our relatives who are BPD, the Most important thing to keep in mind is we must protect us.  They do not protect us, we know it, and acting like they're normal, and expecting a normal response - well, it's just not going to happen.

I would think very hard about an intervention.  The book the Gift of Fear would actually predict this to increase the violence in most situations, not decrease it.  Why?  It is extremely humiliating to have a family member do an Intervention on someone.  My mom called the police on me when I was 17 and I have never forgiven her for it.  I can imagine what it would be like for someone to go to the extreme of doing an intervention on me, and I know I would not like it.

Just giving you a somewhat different perspective, what do you hope to gain from doing this?  If the goal is to change people, that is probably not going to happen.  If the goal is to have more peace in your life, what would that look like?

Just playing the devil's advocate here a little...take what is useful and leave the rest if it doesn't resonate.


b