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Author Topic: BPD daughter using social media to manipulate and cause pain to grandparents  (Read 702 times)
Bluejay12

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 38


« on: July 21, 2021, 12:18:42 AM »

Hi All, 
I know many of you share similar stories so I thought I’d ask if those who are being denied access to their grandchildren then “get” to see pictures posted of them through Facebook.  To clarify, we continue to be denied access to our 4 yo and baby grandchild by their BPD mother and narcissist father.  The photos are posted to “mutual friends” on Facebook.  Anything to cause us more pain.  What are your experiences with this kind of torture and what advice might you have for my husband and myself.  We are sad tonight.  We know the 4 yo, whom we used to be very closed to, must be asking where we are and why we aren’t seeing her anymore
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sancho
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« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2021, 05:27:11 AM »

This is so, so hurtful. It seems as though DD is making sure you continue to feel the full force of the pain of not seeing your cherished grandchildren.

There are so many people here who are going through the same awful situation. I am sure you have read their stories and been able to identify with them.

I imagine the option of not using social media yourself is just too hard: you want to see them, to look at their smiling faces and imagine they are on their way to see you. The reality of not seeing them or looking at the photos is just too hard.

On the other hand it means your DD holds on to the power to cause you pain. I really dislike it when children are used in this way. Whenever I am put in this position I totally back off - for that reason. But it took a long time before I could do this without going through agony. After the first few times, I realised that in time the child would be part of my life again - I suppose I learnt the routine of it all and just sat it out.

Come here when you feel low; it does help to know that others absolutely understand the pain and distress you are going through.

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beatricex
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« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2021, 08:51:26 AM »

Hi Bluejay,
We are in the same situation, my husband's grandchildren are 1 and 3.  I truly know what you're going through and how difficult this is and I'm just holding you in my thoughts today.
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
b
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Bluejay12

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Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 38


« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2021, 11:21:21 PM »

Thank you BeatriceX for your understanding.   Just knowing there are others out there who can relate to our sorrow and loss is helpful.  I’m so glad I am able to hear from you
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Bluejay12

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Posts: 38


« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2021, 11:49:47 PM »

Hi Sancho,
Thank you for your kind response.  I don’t know how to let our sweet granddaughter fall away from our hearts and memories when I know she must be devastated that we are not there to love her as we once were.  We are tortured with what they must be telling her to control her.  It is even more difficult to accept that there isn’t an element of pure evil in this disorder.  My husband will be 84 this fall.  I’m afraid he won’t be able to wait for a distant return of our granddaughter back into our lives.  I am truly grateful I have this group to communicate with.  Thank you for trying to help
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Sancho
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« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2021, 06:16:56 AM »

My heart breaks for you Bluejay12. It is a form of torture and it is so hard to understand that someone would do this - particularly to elderly relatives. Just so unimaginable!

Yet this is where we are - being held to ransom by those we love.

I am sure your beautiful gd will never be out of your hearts and minds - and to be honest I feel pretty confident that you will be in hers. It is really surprising how young children form enduring memories of those important people in their lives.

I am also pretty confident that it will not be so easy to fill her mind with bad stories about you. I've had a lot to do with that age group - as a teacher - and I often here them say 'Mum says  . . . . . . but I think . . . . .

They are at an age where they often are making up their own minds.

Keep sending loving thoughts to your grandchildren - and keep hoping that there will be a way to see them in the near future.
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Bluejay12

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« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2021, 11:07:32 PM »

Thank you Sancho!   This message was so uplifting for me today.  Especially since you were able to impart your experience as a teacher working with this age group.  It gave us hope that in her great little mind she might be holding special places for us.  I’ve thought, many times today, what it might be like to just hug our sweet granddaughter again
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Sancho
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« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2021, 06:25:31 PM »

I was driving along with GD in her car seat in back of car - she was perhaps three and a half, not quite 4 anyway - and we started talking about how her dad and his new partner said 'not good' things about me. She said 'why do they do that?' I said, 'It might be because they don't know me so they don't know if I'm a good person. She thought for a while then said 'when they know you they will know you are a good person.'

So they are thoughtful little creatures!
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Bluejay12

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« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2021, 12:08:05 AM »

Thank you again Sancho for that very sweet and yet powerful message.  I am deeply concerned for our granddaughter because she not only must navigate around her Mom’s BPD but also her father's significant narcissism.  I pray her little mind can withstand the forces working against her.  Thankfully, she attends an immersion school where I know the teachers love and care for her 8 hrs/day.  We know our granddaughter loved us very much and we her.  I hope that will be strong enough to sustain her.  Thank you again for that very kind response. 
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lindalou62

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« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2021, 03:16:41 PM »

Hi, I'm new here, and I am in shock. I guess I thought this only happened to me. My dil, just blocked me on FB, has posted a pic of my grandaughter saying, "those that "choose" NOT to be in her life.." I was so upset I was crying. I never got to choose!. I have been kicked out. It's also upsetting, because I was thinking this is only a phase. Reading some of your replies, it may not be.  I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and it has made me open my eyes too.
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Bluejay12

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« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2021, 04:49:10 PM »

Hi and welcome Lindalou62! 
First, I absolutely feel your pain right now.  But after our experiences and those of many who post here, the use of social media and weaponizing grandchildren seems to be a common thread.  Taking what you value most and crushing it.  I really don’t understand why because the biggest losers will be the children.  I sit here writing this in a 4 season porch filled with toys that we had built for our precious granddaughter 3 years ago.  The toys lay just where she left them.  She lives 6 minutes from us but we aren’t able to see her because our BPD daughter and NPD son in law prevent it.  We wish it had been just a phase.  But the torment and hostility toward us has been relentless.  This forum has been a godsend for us.  So welcome and come back whenever you need support❤️
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
beatricex
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« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2021, 10:59:39 PM »

Neither my husband or I have social media, but his suspected BPD daughter (my step daughter) has several accounts.  I told him to search her and he could see pictures of his granddaughters (we have been cut off since March of 2019, when the pandemic started).

He did, and wow was it hard for both of us.  They look so happy, a little family of 4, the girls are adorable, they are wearing matching dresses in what looks to be professional photography photos of the family.  This hurts a lot, because we are completely excluded.

I wanted to think things are probably going badly, and they are hurting as much as we are, and they wouldn't have the energy to put up all these nice photos...I guess that was my wish, to believe they would hurt like we do and be sort of depressed about it.  I am extremely depressed some days, other days, it's not so bad.  Today was one of the bad days, where I started thinking "this is all my fault" and "why doesn't she like me?" and "i'm hurting my husband because if he hadn't married me, he'd be able to see his grandkids right now."

I know this type of thinking is not useful, and I try to STOP it, but it's just so hard.  The grief is almost unbearable, and I went through grieving my own BPD mom, but this is somehow worse.  Sometimes I just cry and my heart aches, and I let the tears just come, because I know there's nothing I can do about this terrible disease. 

Pretty much anything I say is like pouring gasoline on the fire.  I realize that for my own sanity and my husband's, we need to move on.  I don't know why I told him to look at the pictures.  It's like I want to hear him say "It's ok b, these kids are adorable and I will never know them, but it's Not Your Fault."  Sometimes I demand he say that and we get into long drawn out discussions which can end up as arguments cause I'm not hearing exactly what I need to hear from him (that it's Not my fault, this is a mental illness).  But I can see that he is hurting as much as or probably more than I am, this is his daughter, he raised her, not me.  This is his "blood."  (She likes to throw that one around as the reason I should not care about her, I'm not "blood related" and has told me in subtle ways not to tell her "I love her" because it's "weird" that I would love her as she's not my bio daughter, and she also gives the impression she thinks I'm insincere.)  One day at a time for us.

b
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mggt
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« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2021, 04:02:47 PM »

So sorry to hear this from many of you. We too have been in the same Awful place where we were kept from our little angels.
  The only thing I can tell you is to hang on to those wonderful memories. Know that the impression you had on them will somehow stay with them.   From one nana and papa to all of you

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Bluejay12

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« Reply #13 on: August 02, 2021, 11:59:34 PM »

Mggt and Beatricex,
So sorry to hear that we share something so unthinkable as to have ourselves canceled from our grandchildren’s lives.  But when I hear your stories on my bad days it helps me understand the magnitude of this disorder.  I am praying our sweet grandchildren do not forget how much they have been loved by us.  I am, obviously, still hoping for divine intervention since there has been no Hope of anything else working in our favor.  It has again been so many months since we’ve seen our beautiful granddaughter.  I don’t have the heart to move her bed, toys or clothes.  It just seems that would seal the coffin for me.  So we live with those things in our everyday lives.  We know we’ll have to move those things eventually but just can’t seem to do that yet.  I can’t help but believe this disorder is not only pathological but also evil.  Using grandchildren as weapons against their own grandparents seems to be more than pathological.  I’m praying for a miracle for us all tonight❤️
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Sancho
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« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2021, 12:17:15 AM »

Just a thought . . . . please don't think that the pictures you see on fb or anywhere else are any indication of reality. I know quite a few situations where the reality is so different that I now no longer use any picture on fb as a guide.

I have noticed that some parents put 'happy snaps' up almost to get the feedback that they are great parents, and that their family is wonderful. I don't think this is a conscious thing, but it certainly is the case for some people I know.

In one instance a young mum I know who was in the midst of having enormous trouble with her two children (aged about 8 and 10 at the time) on a day to day basis, posted a happy snap of the children round the campfire where they had gone camping for a quality family time.

My friend didn't notice that the younger child - the daughter - had her finger up in the photo!

It was more wishful thinking than reality.
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LRitz

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« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2021, 03:40:46 PM »

I am going through the exact same thing, the grandchildren are being used to punish me for around the 5th time! It seems the BPD daughter just can’t do enough to hurt me, she keeps finding new ways to dig the knife in deeper each time. I have enabled and rescued her for many years, only to get treated like this. The pain of losing those grandkids is just too much, I removed myself from Facebook because I can’t stand the torture, and I agree, it’s all used for positive feedback from people because they need it so badly. And it’s true that they almost always post pics that make them look like a very happy family, but we know otherwise. How sad that we, as grandparents, and also the children, have to go through this. I’m sure they don’t have a clue why they can’t see or talk to granny and grandpa anymore!
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Bluejay12

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« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2021, 10:38:42 PM »

Sancho and LRitz,
Today was just another of those profoundly sad days that we continue to miss our sweet granddaughter.  I’m am so grateful to you and others who share their stories and advice in this forum.  Without that, I would be in a much darker place right now.  But then it still feels like a dark place because we are all suffering from virtually the same thing with no hope of reaching a sense of normality.  My other daughter (without BPD) keeps suggesting my husband and I just go have fun.  She has no idea that would be impossible.  The deep hole of losing a daughter and granddaughter can’t be filled with “fun.”   It’s been 2 1/2 years.  As LRitz indicated, where must our granddaughter think we’ve gone?   The poor children having to grow up in this pathological mess.  Hope is an illusion for those of us living through this BPD land mine.  I could use some good news tonight, I guess. 
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