Sister has BPD and I feel sad

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I think I just want to say that I feel sad... My sister had BPD without knowing and I honesty just heard about it myself... My sister is 2 years older than me and when she was 17 years old, she started extremely yelling. She became very aggressive and angry at my parents. Because I was her sister, I supported her. Sometimes she was very angry at me, sometimes me being there for her was the only reason she still was alive. My parents also asked me to do that. All my energy went to her and helping her.  I just did what I thought was the best thing I could do. Years passed by and now I am 32 years old, and she is 34. When I was 30 my energy was empty and I got ptss of all the abuse and yelling. I couldn't be with her anymore without physically panicing. I went to a therapist en I became to heal of my past. But I couldn't be there anymore for my sister because I had to heal myself. She was very very very angry at me for that and she still is. I explained her that it was just not possible because my body won't let me, but that didn't help. She judged me, she gives me all the guilt en she don't talk to me anymore. Sometimes I'm happy because i finally feel safe and I can focus on myself. But sometimes I feel so sad. I miss the good days, and I don't want to carry the guilt because it is so unfair. I want to talk to her, hoping she can understand me, but all the things I say makes her just more angry. She said that if I talk to her again about my emotions she will break with me. I think I'm just looking for some support or recognition... And sorry if my English is not that good, it's not my native language.

[dakpan]

Hi, I think I just want to say that I feel sad... My sister had BPD without knowing and I honesty just heard about it myself... My sister is 2 years older than me and when she was 17 years old, she started extremely yelling. She became very aggressive and angry at my parents. Because I was her sister, I supported her. Sometimes she was very angry at me, sometimes me being there for her was the only reason she still was alive. My parents also asked me to do that. All my energy went to her and helping her.  I just did what I thought was the best thing I could do. Years passed by and now I am 32 years old, and she is 34. When I was 30 my energy was empty and I got ptss of all the abuse and yelling. I couldn't be with her anymore without physically panicing. I went to a therapist en I became to heal of my past. But I couldn't be there anymore for my sister because I had to heal myself. She was very very very angry at me for that and she still is. I explained her that it was just not possible because my body won't let me, but that didn't help. She judged me, she gives me all the guilt en she don't talk to me anymore. Sometimes I'm happy because i finally feel safe and I can focus on myself. But sometimes I feel so sad. I miss the good days, and I don't want to carry the guilt because it is so unfair. I want to talk to her, hoping she can understand me, but all the things I say makes her just more angry. She said that if I talk to her again about my emotions she will break with me. I think I'm just looking for some support or recognition... And sorry if my English is not that good, it's not my native language.

[ckee1999]

I'm a mom, but I'm looking at this site because I'm very concerned about my daughter, whose brother has BPD.  I feel like she could very much be in a similar situation to you, and I feel like your experience is confirming that the approach my husband and I are taking is correct.  We are not asking our daughter to support our son because we feel that it would be pushing our son further into his false reality.  We are making sure she is safe and that she has distance from him when she needs it.  I think you do need to focus on yourself.  Your sister is troubled, but it's not your responsibility to help or to fix her.  Do remember the good times - I'm glad there are some.  My daughter has trouble remembering any good times and only sees the damage her brother is doing.  I'm very glad you have a therapist - I saw a good way of looking at it - you didn't CAUSE this disorder, you can't CURE this disorder and you can only CONTROL your own responses.  it sounds like you are a kind and compassionate sister.  You have done what you can and it's not your fault that your sister is not capable of understanding that.  You can focus on yourself - you've nothing wrong.  Hugs.

[dakpan]

Hi, thanks for your answer. I really needed to hear these words. It's sad that my parents tried to help her, but actually pushed my sister further into her false reality. They thought: "if we listen, we'll help". But I think that it made it even worse. Thanks for the words.
I have read them many times when I felt sad. I feel heard.

[Being]

Hi Dakpan,

My sister probably does not have BPD, but she is very sensitive emotionally and she has difficulty sustaining relationships with others. Her life is not easy for her and she has always been trying so hard to figure it out.

When I first learned about validation many years ago, I instantly realized that my sister has felt invalidated by her family for most of her life (including my NPD mother, my father, and even I can see how I was invalidating).

Understanding this forever changed my relationship with my sister. I still look after myself and I try my best to manage my own life as well as I can. She still reacts to something I said or did, or something I did not do. (She has even "unsistered me" three times in the past year!) But sooner or later she always calms down and reaches out in one way or another and I try to validate her feelings once again. When she is not dating someone I am the closest person that she has.

Between cutting off your sister and accepting her angry blame, there is a lot of  middle ground. It takes patience, but it has been one of the most meaningful  things that I have done with my life.