wondering if spoiling or over indulging had an effect

[hurtmom]

I often wonder if we were too easy on our daughter ( now 22) , not enough strong boundaries.
we always found it hard to say no to her, is it possible we created this by not being strict enough.
Even when she was young, because she was so quiet and small we always treated her with "kit" or is it kid gloves.
Wondering if anyone else feels the same.
Also now I am in a damned if I do damned if I don't scenario - if I cater to her and let her walk all over me she has no respect and things do not improve, but if I put my foot down a little, she cuts herself completely off from me and goes back to saying what a terrible and abusive mother I have been ( she says I did not validate her feelings that is how I was abusive)
such  a sad an confusing time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi hurtmom,
I have thought about this a lot because my husband explained to me that he spoiled both his daughers.  However, only one is BPD and placing extreme demands on us.

I think with the BPD one, he had to handle her with kid gloves because she was so sensitive.  He saw the signs early on - everyone was always against her, teachers, friends.  She made a best friend quickly, then a couple weeks later, her best friend was now her mortal enemy.  She fought with everyone and is still fighting with everyone.  Everything is perceived as a slight, even an "I love you" from me her stepmom.

I don't think it's the fact a parent spoils their kid (my mom who is also BPD was also spoiled being the youngest), but more genetic predisposition and just plain old bad luck.

b

[Leaf56]

I agree. I didn't spoil my 3 sons, and I always gave very firm boundaries and never once gave in on any limits I set. If I said something along the lines of "if you continue to behave that way, we're leaving the restaurant and going home," I'd have the waiter pack up our food to go and we'd leave and go home. I was very consistent. The one who was born with all the sensitivities and was on the autism spectrum from birth, who is also the eldest, is the only one with a problem. The other two are hard-working independent types.

[hurtmom]

Leaf56
Thank you
Your post actually helped alleviate some guilt

[Leaf56]

I’m glad, very glad.