The absulute worst you experienced with your ex -Bpd Partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear us, who here all trying to heal! 

The heading tells it: could we share the most horrible things?

I can start:

- we had the most loving vacation days, within an hour suddenly started deregulating, wanted to kill himself by car and his dog, too ,  this went on two days on an isolated Mediterranean island ( I did not have a real  escape either). 
Finally I called his mother, suddenly he then just went to bed, slept and next day then behaved like nothing ever happened !
But two days after, when I had just cleaned and packed my stuff, he suddenly out of the blue comes, cursing me, pushing me so that fell on my knee. I cried for the pain, and he just laughed!
My knee hurt badly, my heart was very heavy during the return.
Just wanted to get back to my own home, with the dogs ( they were also traumatized then). 

Later, as the pain of knee did not disappear, had to go to x-rays and two small fractions were found. -  the doc wondered though, how I had managed  the previous days, and the pain.
- the small bone friction is still there, especially I feel it when it gets cold

Actually this part is only the part 1,
Probably more to come from my side.

Would like to hear yours, too.

Vincenta

[Vincenta]

Dear us, who here all trying to heal! 

The heading tells it: could we share the most horrible things?

I can start:

- we had the most loving vacation days, within an hour suddenly started deregulating, wanted to kill himself by car and his dog, too ,  this went on two days on an isolated Mediterranean island ( I did not have a real  escape either). 
Finally I called his mother, suddenly he then just went to bed, slept and next day then behaved like nothing ever happened !
But two days after, when I had just cleaned and packed my stuff, he suddenly out of the blue comes, cursing me, pushing me so that fell on my knee. I cried for the pain, and he just laughed!
My knee hurt badly, my heart was very heavy during the return.
Just wanted to get back to my own home, with the dogs ( they were also traumatized then). 

Later, as the pain of knee did not disappear, had to go to x-rays and two small fractions were found. -  the doc wondered though, how I had managed  the previous days, and the pain.
- the small bone friction is still there, especially I feel it when it gets cold

Actually this part is only the part 1,
Probably more to come from my side.

Would like to hear yours, too.

Vincenta

[grumpydonut]

Sorry to read that, Vincenta. That's far worse than any of my experiences.

The worst, for me, was emotional torture.

She went out with a group of guys for the third weekend in a row. I messaged her at 2am to ask "where are you right now" and she replied "I'm coming". I said "is that what I asked?"...she replied again "I'm coming". Anyway, 30 mins later she messaged saying "on my way". I replied "PLEASE READ off". In that 30 mins she had managed to have sex with the guy she was with, and then decided to head home...

When she came home, she asked why I was sleeping on the couch. I said "you are out with guys who want to have sex with you, and you don't care about how that impacts me". She said "they don't want to have sex with me, JESUS!".

As said, she had just had sex 30 mins earlier.

While the pain wasn't there at the moment, as I didn't know it had happened, that memory will go down as the most painful thing I have re. this partner.

[I Am Redeemed]

I hesitate to share all of the really bad things, as there are many, many violent incidents.

I don't want to give you all vicarious trauma from reading them, so I will just list a few that are some of the worst:

-Accused me of stealing change from the kids' piggy bank (? Idk). Threw it at me, knocked me down, strangled me until I lost consciousness and snapped my collarbone in the process.

-Drugged me on multiple occasions both for the purpose of having sex with me and to threaten me by telling the police I was on drugs if I left him with the kids.

-Strangled me again on multiple occasions, sometimes while I had my child in my arms.

-Chased me with a hatchet while in a psychotic rage

-Punched me and broke my jaw once, then months later hit me again causing a hairline fracture in the same spot.

-Sexually assaulted me one final time nearly a year after we were separated.

I will stop there.

Vincenta, I, too feel the old injuries ache during cold or rainy weather.

The psychological wounds have been far harder to process, however.

[Vincenta]

Grumpy Donat,

So sorry to hear. Intimacy is such a fragile thing, and such a
defeat. - Look, as horrible as it is, sometimes I think that pwBWBPD might ‘ imaging’ things to go away, I.e. being disillusioned?
At least that was the case sometimes with my ex.
However, very hurtful.
I hope that remembering that memory will keep you away from her! And serve as part of healing.

Big hug

[Goosey]

Ugh.
I Needed to read all these horrendous accounts. I did.
Little struggles- damn country music haha.
 Thank goodness we can air it out here.

[Vincenta]

Dear I am Redeemed,

How truly utterly horrible! Those events must have been life-threatening even. - Dear IaR, so happy that you survived !
And grateful for  your wise advises and helping others here.

I am so sorry if I opened the Pandoras box of hurtful memories there. 
At the same time I admire your enourmous strength, and wisdom on this forum

It took more than two years from me to just to admit to myself that I might be/ was a victim of DV.  I always considered myself as an independent woman, never had DV in my previous relationships. Was an extremely bitter pill to swallow. And very little support/ understanding from my the ( few) friends I even dared  to tell the truth. No one really wants to know - too messy, too complicated, too embarrassing etc.

Most likely this is even more complicated for men with pwBPD.

And you are probably right - maybe was not a good idea to share all the worst things here. It might be indeed hugely triggering.

My humble purpose was, not only to vent out myself and share some very bad experiences, and let others to share theirs ...in order that perhaps others here on the forum, fresh from the break up, could see what some - not all!-  BPD persons (perhaps with some other PDs/ addictions) are indeed capable of doing, how bad it really could get sometimes, unfortunately.

Your and other members toughts are highly appreciated.

[Goosey]

Bpd - Just can’t fix it, can understand it deeply till confronted with it then defense kicks in.
And yes it’s hard for men to admit they have been abused.
But really I guess that the breaks, women are still treated second class or worse.  in wide swaths of this blue marble. Awful. It’s fubar.

[LilJ]

Some absolutely shocking things shared so far and I personally have found this post helpful, so thank you for making this post and for being brave enough to share .
My very recent ex whom I still live with I’d say the worst thing she ever did to hurt me was pretty much just gradually find out my insecurities and then use them against me as weapons she is very skilled at that . But in terms of bad behaviour some of the bad times include
- her driving erratically on the motorway in the early hours of the morning swerving about the lanes with her at the time 6 month old son in the back not even strapped in with a seatbelt just in his car seat ( me screaming for my life until she stopped on the hard shoulder and tried to throw me out before pulling out in front of a lorry ) luckily she pulled in to another lane . Terrifying though .
- she set up a secret Facebook to message her ex
-met with her ex apparently nothing happened
- and of course all the lies ALL the lies

[I Am Redeemed]

Vincenta,

It's actually empowering for me to write it out here. These incidents happened over the course of seven years. It's a good reminder of how abusive relationships work; each incident had an excuse, a promise to get help, a promise to change.

I always knew it was domestic violence. It's taken me three, almost four years after separation to acknowledge the sexual abuse and assaults. I'm finally ready to address that in therapy.

If nothing else, I hope my story lets people know that trauma can be overcome. You can move from victim to survivor to thriver.

I should add that my ex has traits of ASPD as well as BPD, and a substance abuse disorder. That's an extremely dangerous combination.

[Goosey]

I had the same experiences being stuck in the passenger seat with a raging bpd. And remember thinking where the f is a cop when you need em haha.

[Vincenta]

Hi Goosey,

Not quite sure what was your message?
If it was that women are still treated as second class -
you are absolutely right, in most parts of the world it is still so and DV in many places is not even a crime, legally.
It is a crying shame.

On the other hand, I am really ashamed and embarrassed since  I come from a Nordic country originally, I felt always very equal, live now as Expat in a country in Mid-Europe where women’s rights are also very well known, incl. DV.
But I did not make a claim on him!

I felt pity for him, I didn’t want him perhaps to loose his job etc.
And wanted to believe that the violence would not happen again. So silly I was, despite of all education, and age ( I am middle-aged) etc.
And No, - I have never wanted a ‘ bad guy’, all my previous relationships incl 15 years marriage, were totally abuse- free.

So I could have had that choice, did not use it and now I am actually worried that perhaps another woman might get seriously hurt by him,  because I did raise the claim.

[Vincenta]

Addition: Meant that feel quilty now because I did NOT raise the claim, or rather claims, where I should have done it indeed.

[Vincenta]

Dear LilJ,

Did you know that ‘ erratic/ dangerous driving’ is regarded as DV, too?

‘ My’ ex diagnosed ( at least) BPD did not drive dangerously during our relationship...probably only for the reason that he had done it too many times before!

Found out very late during our 6 years relationship that about 14 years ago he actually had crashed his ( that time) company car deliberately against a lane of parked cars - full speed, not knowing if people are there still inside of some of the cars.
It was his birthday, he had a serious deregulation? Or mental breakdown? - anyway, luckily! no one got hurt except the totally crushed car, he was arrested, spent the night in jail and his wife ( with their that time  2 toddlers) and the birthday party crowd waiting at homeboy not knowing where on earth the birthday hero had disappeared! 

How horrible it must have been to his (ex)wife and anyone else involved.

After this ‘ incident’ he had to pay some penalties, was sent to ‘ anger management program’ ...- well, obviously the program was not so  very successful at least relationship- wise

[Vincenta]

Dear IaR,

It is exactly as you wrote - the mental abuse and later on the ‘ incidents’ start slowly... but they always will get worse in the course of time.

It is almost like testing - if you accept this, then he/ she might do something slightly worse, and so on.

And naturally I am now left with all the questions like:  why I did not just leave immediately? Why I did not set up strict boundaries?
Questions where I still try to find out answers with my T.
Difficult as I had ok FOO, no previous violent relationships etc.
so perhaps it was just circumstances combined with a certain Naivität ( as have never thought that someone can lie so much, be so brutal occasionally etc).

[MrRight]

As others have indicated - too many horrible incidents to recount.

She was the most unstable in the year that followed the birth of our son. She would become so dysregulated and blame me for her state - the only way I could pacify her hysteria was get on my knees and allow her to slap my face as hard as she wanted until she calmed down.

This submission indicated to her satisfaction that I really was sorry and bought some peace.

On one occasion it was not enough and she took a rolling pin to me - I put out my arm for her and she smashed me on the forearm - creating a golf ball size swelling.

That was 18 years ago.

I cant believe I'm actually free of her.

[EyesUp]

About a year ago I discovered that my W of ~ 14 years was planning or having an affair.  Around that time, as I finally got serious about figuring out what was happening in our relationship, I found my way here.

Discovering the affair was a gut punch.  I saw red flags for years - they are right there in my journal - but I numbly looked past them while taking no real action, just repeating the same cycles.

But infidelity was something new, and it was enough to provoke a change.

I lost 40 lbs. I worked on boundaries. I stopped capitulating in general. I called 911 when my W got physical (probably one of the best things I have done).

We're now headed for D, though still cohabitating. Bags are packed, in my car. I sleep in jeans and a t-shirt in case I need to leave quickly.  

I know others have/had it so much worse.  But the thing that keeps me awake at night? The worst?  Easy: I live for the kids, and I fear that the worst is yet to come - when/if my upwBPD/stbx kicks an alienation / parentification campaign into gear.

[Anonym2806]

Hi all,

We decided to go out for dinner that night. Then, while having a drink in a bar, she was receiving multiple text.
After 40 min, telling she doesn’t feel good and need to go home.

Texting her multiple time this evening without answers and seeing her connected.
The day after, saw a girl friend of mine telling me she saw my gf in a bar with a guy. Couldn’t believe her and she also described me how she was dressed (same clothes she wear while we were in the bar).
So I told to my gf I was in that bar the same evening.
She admitted first being there then deleted the message (but saw it in my screen).
Then out of the blue, telling me I’m crazy and need to go to see someone as I have illusions (didn’t tell her I saw her or anyone else).
Accusing me being crazy. It broke my heart.
Sometimes I tell to myself I dodged the bullet. Sometimes I miss her.
Tomorrow it will be 2 years I met her. And I’m still in a bad place.