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Author Topic: How do I even begin to bring this up to her?  (Read 262 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
Posts: 1

« on: July 23, 2021, 05:28:52 PM »

For a little bit of context, we've now been dating for exactly a year next week. But just this weekend we had a tremendous row. After the newness of her behavior wore out its welcome with my understanding, I began to see that it operated in distinct patterns and cycles. I really didn't know how to handle it, I knew she struggled with both depression and OCD, but I had no idea what to make of some the things she would say or ask of me. She could constantly ask if my friends hated her, if my dad hated her, or even if I hated her. How exactly do you console someone who actively thinks you hate them? I began to struggle with an even worse depression and even came to her with that as an explanation to our fighting. The truth was I was beginning to doubt my own sanity. I was so worried about not causing fights by making a stupid comment that many often times I would just choose not to speak. When they did happen, I would apologize and then try to make my case for it, something that would work on a dice's roll. I had finally had enough this past Sunday, when I finally told her I would not be meeting her until I could definitively make up my mind about how to fix things. And so I did research on relationship therapy and counseling, and then I just typed, "walking on eggshells relationships" into Google and found myself on a certain BPD-related subreddit that just made too much sense. More research and now I've found myself here, looking for help. I've just signed myself up for the Family Connections Program as well, but the 6-month wait time seems long, so I figured I'd make an account here. I guess my real questions are: How do I bring this up to her? Do I show up to her house with a packet of information and explain it as gently as I can? What if she doesn't believe me, what do I even say to that? Thank you in advance for reading this and any advice I could get would be much appreciated.
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Gully Foyle

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 5

« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2021, 07:57:13 PM »

I am also new to this and am having some of the same difficulties with my wife.   There are others on this site who are much more knowledgeable and can maybe provide more definitive advice, but I can pass along the advice that my therapist provided when I started.  She had me start reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and specifically told me not to discuss my BPD suspicions with my wife and to even hide the book from her (I got it on my Kindle).  My understanding is that those with BPD have very low self esteem cannot tolerate anything that would affect what little they have; voicing my concerns to my wife would only make things worse.  In our case, our couples councilor got my wife to participate in DBT training by telling her it was developed for people with BPD but could be helpful for others who were having difficulty in their relationships.  However you end up handling it, I wish you luck.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 245

« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2021, 10:30:02 PM »

Hi codepanda. Welcome!

I agree with Gully Foyle – don't bring up BPD to her. I'm not aware of any situation in which that has gone well.

Now that you found your way here, start by working through the lessons that are pinned as the topic at the top of this discussion board. They can help you better understand the situation, what you can do, and what tools you may want to try using. These lessons helped me tremendously.

There's a great community of people here who can help you out along the way as you figure this out.
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