MIL has BPD, but SO is in denial.. Help

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a message board like this, I'm not even sure if this is still active! But I'm willing to try anything at this point, because my husband and I are at the end of our ropes when it comes to his mom. She is not diagnosed BPD, but scores high of Kregers tool for identifying BPD traits. She lives 6 hours away from us, and still is able to make life stressful for us continually. Let me know if there's anyone out there who is reading this and cares. ;)

Take care,
Sara

[MrsJohnson]

 

Hi everyone,
I've never written on a message board like this, I'm not even sure if this is still active! But I'm willing to try anything at this point, because my husband and I are at the end of our ropes when it comes to his mom. She is not diagnosed BPD, but scores high of Kregers tool for identifying BPD traits. She lives 6 hours away from us, and still is able to make life stressful for us continually. Let me know if there's anyone out there who is reading this and cares. ;)

Take care,
Sara

[MrsJohnson]

 

My husband is in denial that his mom has BPD, even though she is scoring extremely high on Kregers tool to identify BPD traits. He is terrified that she will find out that I am reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book or even that I'm thinking this way.. How do I get him on board and open his eyes without starting a huge fight every time we talk about it?

[Methuen]

We're here Mrs Johnson, and you've found a caring community.  Well done with your first post!

Can you tell us more about what is happening, and how your MIL (mother in law) is making life stressful for you and your husband continually? 

[Notwendy]

Mrs. J- there are others here in your situation. For me, it's my mother who has BPD and I am the one who is working with this situation, not my H, so there isn't marital conflict between us over her.

Growing up with a BPD parent is not just about that parent but how the entire family compensates for the disordered person. Often the partner takes on an enabling role. The children will also likely have designated roles- some may be the scapegoat, others the golden child. While you may see your MIL's dysfunction, it's harder for your H to see it- because when we grow up in such a family as children- it's our "normal" as it's the only "normal" we know. It's not normal to come off the school bus after school to be met by a screaming raging parent- but this was my "normal" because it happened a lot. Also the confusing part is that the pwBPD does not take responsibility for their feelings, so I didn't think "there's something wrong with BPD mom" as she blamed other things for her moods.

It sounds as if your H was the golden child, possibly enmeshed with his mom. Since I was the scapegoat child, I was aware of my mother's emotionally abusive side. But still, I was raised to "people please" my parents and try to win their approval. I thought if only I was good enough I'd have a normal loving relationship with them. It was later that I realized that the reason this didn't happen was not because of me.

I don't know where your H is in his journey of dealing with his mom. There's a lot to learn here and one idea to learn is the Karpman drama triangle. In my experience, the person with BPD is in victim perspective. My mother responds as if we are attacking her. My father was her rescuer. This means anything or anyone who isn't fully on board with "making mother happy" is the persecutor. Don't blame your H for this pattern. He may not even be aware of it- it's his "normal" as it was the "normal" in my family and I had to learn about it too.

The arguments between your H and his mom are likely to follow this pattern. You say something about his mother and become the persecutor, and he becomes the rescuer. First - understand this so you don't take it personally. I know it must feel hurtful that he doesn't take your side and he should but he may not know how.

Perhaps he's willing to do some marriage counseling? Adding a therapist takes you out of the triangle. Also keep posting and learn more. While you should not have to tolerate his mother, also stepping off the triangle and not arguing with him until you learn more might take down the drama for a while. This is an issue that needs to be addressed though. Therapy for you is helpful too. It may seem odd that you do that while others are the problem, but it can be a support for you in how to deal with this.

[pursuingJoy]

Mrs J, I get it. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this too. My husband is enmeshed with his BPD mom so I understand how frustrating it is. My MIL lives several hours away but managed to wreak havoc in our marriage. She made decisions with him, he was reliant on her, they still have shared bank accounts. I watched her manipulate him time and again. Sometimes it felt like she was the other woman, other times it felt like she was trying to parade other women in front of him

How do I get him on board and open his eyes without starting a huge fight every time we talk about it?

In short, you don't.

If someone resists the way our husbands do, it's not only ineffective to keep trying, we can cause more damage.

lived and learned once said that she had to "quit trying to change him with her words. If she wanted his actions to change, she had to first change her own actions." It was really effective to (1) set my own boundaries (short list of examples below) and (2) stop fighting him.  When that happened, he took on the full weight of caring for her and now, he expresses his own frustration about her.

Some boundaries I set:
1. If we visit her, we will limit down time by planning activities.
2. She is welcome to visit us for a day, but not overnight.
3. As a couple, we will not take any more loans from his mom.

The most helpful tool I learned about, hands down, was the Karpman triangle. BPD's are masters at triangulating to get their needs met. Check out this link and see if you can name the roles that you, your MIL and your husband are playing:
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

We're here to help. Hang in there, this will get better.

~pj

[beatricex]

Hi MrsJohnson,
I echo what has been said by others here, it is nearly impossible to open someone else's eyes if they don't want to see.  Afterall, it was your husband who had this difficult mother, and by deduction, he has adapted well,  as it's not even effecting him [that was said tongue in cheek as you know and I know it is].  So, why should he care?  He has you and others to take the brunt of it.  You are worrying about it so he doesn't have to.  Sometimes I think I should have been a marriage counselor.  I think I would enjoy having couples come into my office with the opportunity to open their eyes, even if it's just a tiny little bit.

Agree that MIL finding out you're reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and it's about her?  Not a good game plan.  That will 99% of the time make it worse for the non.  Now you have called her a name and she will want revenge.  Since she has her kid (your husband) on her side, you are in a losing position my lady.

I have 5 siblings and talking to any of them about my BPD mom is like hitting my head against a wall.  It doesn't get me anywhere, just gives me a massive headache.

Instead of convincing anyone about mom, I have chosen to walk a different path.

Here's what I do for my sanity.  Block all mom's emails. My husband has her blocked too.  Block mom from calling our phones or texting us.  When she decides to show up at my house?  Well I'm not going to triangulate, I won't discuss my brother, or my other brother, or her dog, or my Dad, or anyone else in the family with her.  If she says "b, what do you think about so and so?"  I am going to calmly explain to her that I haven't really given it much if any thought and please remove yourself from my driveway as I'd like to go to the store now.  Then I will exit stage left.  Eventually, she will get the hint that in her play, I am not the antagonist.  I am just a body double with no speaking part.  I can't remember which book I read, but one of them describes how people in the BPD's life are all just characters in the play they're writing.  The trick is to write yourself out of her play.  Don't write yourself in as the one who needs to save your husband.  He can save himself and is perfectly capable of it, if he ever chooses to do so.  If he doesn't:  time for marriage counseling, and/or you find a way to ignore or live with it and/or get a new husband.

My take.

good luck I am rooting for you 
b