Could you help me please?

[KennethJames]

Hello,

We are in desperate need of help.

My fiancee's daughter is in Germany and we live in the UK. She is suffering from BPD traits. She is completely isolated. We don't know how to support her?

Communication is very difficult due to her anger. She is struggling and my fiancee is struggling to know how to cope and what to do? It is affecting everyones' mental health and wellbeing.

We would really appreciate any help from anyone.

Thank you in advance to anyone who may be able to help.

[kells76]

Welcome, you're in the right place. So glad you found the group -- we get how challenging it is to deal with people with those traits.

Sounds like she has anger issues. Explosive? Unpredictable? Targeted at either of you?

What other traits does she have that are challenging for you and your partner?

And, is this an adult child? (Asking because it can make a difference in "what to do going forward" whether the child is juvenile or adult).

Write back whenever is comfortable for you;

kells76

[KennethJames]

Thank you so much for your reply.

It's such a relief to be able to talk to someone.

The young lady is 31 years of age.

Her traits are typical of BPD - very bad mood swings. Everything is fine one moment and then within a split second, erupts into anger. Very hurtful language directed towards her mother (my fiancee).

In my opinion, she has a distorted view of even the most simple issues.

For example, her mum wants to visit her in Germany and she has finally agreed. She told her mum "come whenever you want". Mum set some dates. The dates were not the dates that her daughter wanted so she erupted with anger.
"Why are you doing this to me? Are you deliberately trying to upset me? You have ruined my life each day for the last 31 years. I can't cope anymore. I'm going to end it all. Can you smell the stench of death?"

In my opinion, she is not thinking logically or rationally, which makes it impossible for mum to have a rational conversation with her. In turn, this makes it impossible to try to help and support her.

For example, we know that she is struggling financially, so if mum sends her money she is in the wrong, and if she doesn't send her money, she's in the wrong.

If mum phones, she's in the wrong, but if she doesn't phone she's in the wrong.

If mum wants to visit, she's in the wrong, but if she doesn't communicate she's in the wrong. It's impossible for mum to have a rational conversation as her thought process is not rational.

She continues to drag things up from the past. Many, many years in the past, and has a distorted and inaccurate recollection of the facts.

She has also alienated herself from her siblings. For example, she didn't talk to her younger sister for more than three years. Her brothers find it almost impossible to communicate with her.

She has also directed her anger towards me, via email. In my opinion, once again demonstrating an irrational thought process with a completely distorted view of past events and facts.

For example, in her opinion, I insulted her sister. I immediately made contact with her sister to apologise and to discuss the matter with her. At which point she reassured me that I hadn't insulted her at all!

We want to help, but we don't know how to help!

We want to communicate, but we don't know how to communicate!

My fiancee is flying out to Germany on the 30th and to be honest, I'm concerned for her safety as I'm not sure how her daughter is going to cope with the situation and how my fiancee will be able to deal with the anger and the irrational thought process demonstrated by her daughter.

We're desperate for some support as the daughter is completely isolated and on her own in Germany.

To make you aware, I am English but my partner and her family are Lithuanian.

Thank you so much for taking some of your valuable time to help and support us.

 

[beatricex]

hi KennethJames,
I liken BPD to a tornado.   It starts out by just being a normal day, with some temperature inversion, hot and cold air masses.  No big deal, but then the different air starts to swirl together.  The hot is "bad" the cold is "good."  A BPD has trouble discerning that people are both bad and good, not one or the other.   They at one moment see them as "all bad" and then the next as "all good."  This creates the swirl in their head.

The swirl is at first not too concerning, but then it picks up momentum and it starts to carry things with it.  It starts to carry different items and gets stronger and the momentum builds until its an actual storm.  How do you stand in the way of a tornado?

You don't.  There is no physically reaching a tornado and stopping it, the best you can do is get out of it's way, especially if it's heading right at you.  It may be that you're at the mall, so you just leave the mall.  OK, great, disaster averted for today.  But sometimes you're at home and the tornado is headed straight for your Home!

Sometimes the BPD tornado takes out your house and all the things in it, and you are forced to pick up the pieces, move or rebuild and start over fresh.

That's what I have had to do with both my BPD Mom and my step daughter.  At least that is how it feels.  It's like a constant rebuilding of my life.  Reorganizing, assessing the damage, picking up and moving on, but with all the memory of the trauma of having been in the eye of that tornado.  So, we don't really forget.  But we do get smarter (move out of tornado alley if you can).
 
b

[KennethJames]

Thank you for your reply B 

[beatricex]

You're welcome

You said you're concerned for your fiancee's safety.  Something that helped me, because I have a flying monkey brother that likes to side with my BPD mom, is I read the Gift of Fear.  He is actually violent now - not towards me, but has said enough things about his wife and her kids, that I did fear what he might do to me.  This book really helped me process what I was feeling, especially irrational fear.  I am very much a left brain thinker, and it helped me get the nuts and bolts of what people say and what they actually do.

People are actually kind of predictable.  Just throwing that idea out there, take it or leave it, but it did help me realize the chance of my brother doing something to me is actually quite low.  But, I am not making myself a target, either.

b