So His New Gf

[Breakingpoint13]

What I was waiting for, I have been focusing very much on myself, not even remotely thinking of a new relationship and my ex decided to send me a picture of him and his new gf. ( baring in mind he hardly took any of us together). He is adamant he wasn't seeing her before me and said that within 6 weeks he has become the happy person that I fell in love with and that I was toxic and he is now in a HEALTHY relationship. That I dont know what healthy is. I shouldnt have even entertained him but i did and said what the person who I met who was taking bipolar medication ( un diagnosed and given to him by a friend on the black market) because he was so unhappy, the person that told me he was so depressed he thought of ending his life in his last relationship? I congratulated him on his "heeling" within six weeks. he then went on to say he hates me and how toxic I was and as to the fact that even my name gives him anxiety he then messaged me to say how i was looking disgustingly ill ( ive lost weight im looking great) however I still had bingo wings...

He's 36, so this is maturity. I didn't call him back I was just slightly patronising. He then went on to say he didn't hate me and would have done anything for me. He also then even messaged me to say, " do you still want to be with me, answer that."

I said im happy hes moved on but he didnt need to rub it in my face and could just be respectful of that. He then messaged me to say he had changed his picture.

He then messages to say this wasnt him he never messaged anyone behind my back and respects his new gf more so he wont message me again.

He messaged me again this morning to paint me black and call me evil and say how toxic I was again and that he again resents me for everything I did to him.

It was all about him, didnt even touch on what he did. Everything is still my fault.

I guess I needed to post this to anyone else whos thinking their happier in the next very quick relationship. Theyre not, it really is just another form or supply. They have no remorse or concern for how anyone other than them selves could be feeling. They need to do what fills the emptiness in their soul in that moment.

What did worry me though was I stopped responding. ( I wish there was I way I could block him without seeing his blocked contact picture in my phone).

He emailed my work. My new work, the new job in which I had to get as he sent a smear campaign of porn pictures and videos that werent even me to my old one. ( The police became involved in this and I phoned for a welfare check on him) How dare I do that though!

I have no idea how he got my new email address. He also emailed it to say not to speak to him again. Which happily, but this is from me not responding and why email my new work saying that! Just leave me alone!

I just need this to be a reminder to everyone! They will not change, they can not see the damage they have caused to anyone. (even a suicide attempt from me).

Good riddance to the lot of them! I just wish I could erase any part of my memory that involves him or the flying monkeys he surrounds himself with.

Bad on me for responding I know, but let this be confirmation! We ALL deserve better. we all WILL get better! We will find people that respect us, and will not hurt us in the way these selfish people can.

[B1987]

I guess I needed to post this to anyone else whos thinking their happier in the next very quick relationship. Theyre not, it really is just another form or supply. They have no remorse or concern for how anyone other than them selves could be feeling. They need to do what fills the emptiness in their soul in that moment.

Thank you for posting this. It's so painful to know that my gf moved on so quickly, I'm really struggling with this. One thing I try to tell myself (I even posted about it recently) is that surely the dysfunction and drama she created couldn't have been just with me, surely the new person is seeing the red flags and getting confused by her bizarre behaviour and although she may seem happy, the dark and negative aspects of her character must still be there ready to slowly creep in.

I haven't heard from my gf since she broke up with me 5 weeks ago so she may be happy right now. Your ex however sounds very troubled and it is clear he has a very ugly side to him. I'm very sorry to hear about the mean things he said to you - they aren't true and hopefully his actions are only helping you see that you dodged a bullet.

Actions like that only prove that they are deeply troubled and unhappy, no healthy individual would ever rub their new relationship in your face or say things like that.

[grumpydonut]

And no individual who was truly happy with their new partner would be asking "do you still want to be with me".

Your posts shows him contradict himself like, what, 5 times? His emotions are all over the place, quickly bouncing between wanting to be nice and wanting to hurt you. I've seen it before, but that seems even more dysregulated than usual.

[Breakingpoint13]

but the point is we have to remember is to not worry if they are happy. They clearly aren't. Its fake, they have no self identity their whole world is a lie and they believe their false narrative to be fact. Every time you try and wonder this, take that thought back to you and just turn it into excitement instead. Maybe something like, "im excited to see who I will meet at this next outing or next gathering, " dont go looking for the next person. But just take the focus back to you and your happiness and what you can see, and for the people you know they are, not what anyone else sees them as.

We cant control anyone elses thoughts, we cant control anyone elses behavior but we can control how we choose to react to this now and where to focus our energy. At first I cried last night and not at the fact I love him, yes it hurts accepting being treated so badly and accepting what I have. But I know my heart, I know I'm a good person and I will no longer allow anyone to make me feel like I'm the devil when my whole life has been focused on trying to make a positive impact on those around me.

All they will ever think about is them! Their needs, them! Their next supply, their validation them! Whats filling the hole in their chest would the empathy and self respect should be that time. It took alot of people on here to tell me that they believe their own fabrication of reality. To them its true and that's nothing we can change. So leave them to it.

You're free now! your free to be you! To not walk on egg shelves and to be around those who truly buzz off you being you!

[Breakingpoint13]

grumpy donut, I know, and I pointed him out on this. I basically validated everything he said, in the way he sees it but firm fact told him the truth also.

I said if the thought of my names brings you so much anxiety you shouldn't even be entertaining another girl. When he said he respects her more than me. I told him straight, do you expect me to be jealous of that? Absolutely not, I don't need validation from you to know who I am and just what I did for you.

Hopefully that's the last I shall here of him ever again now.

[grumpydonut]

Can almost guarantee you it won't be.

They need to leave feeling they are the one with the power.

[Couper]

He messaged me again this morning to paint me black and call me evil and say how toxic I was again and that he again resents me for everything I did to him.

When they do things like this, it is like they are having an out-of-body-experience and speaking about themselves in the third-person.

[Breakingpoint13]

It’s mental behaviour, but I don’t know. Only time will tell. I can’t believe after 6 weeks no contact he didn’t even apologise yet still blamed it all on me. But that’s obviously because he had another source now.

Just what a tosser. If you’re so over me, why do you need to be so nasty.
 

I also said that whatever he has done within 6 weeks to heel himself and to fix all of his previous issues to bottle up and sell for a fortune, as people spend months/ years looking for inner happiness x

He does feel like he has the power because he knows it’s still upset me seeing he’s moved on so quick so he won’t be in touch.

[Sappho11]

Just what a tosser. If you’re so over me, why do you need to be so nasty.

This. Absolutely this.

Usually I'd advocate a nuanced view but what you have to go through at the hands of this absolute knobhead is appalling. I'm glad to hear you involved the police, because what that guy is doing is harrassment. Not borders on harrassment, but is harrassment.

What a waste of air and space. There's personality disorders and then there's behaviour like this. There's never a reason to willfully harm or hurt another person like he did. He is a spiteful, small, small-minded man.

Good that he's gone!

[Breakingpoint13]

If you read my older posts you will see just what he has done to me, I’m glad I responded in some way, because any sense of the human I thought he was is not there and he proved to me it never has and never will. So it released any guilt from me.
 Mental illness or no mental illness no one deserves the treatment.

I cry when I tell people about it, not because I line for him, but because I’m so sad for me, for what I’ve put myself through and for the sad person I became. I wanted to end my life for the projection of someone else’s envy and bitterness. Never again will I ever allow this again.

I just can not wait for the day he is a distant memory and I can forgive myself and not be upset with who I became. I’m worthy of so much more. I need to remind myself of this every day x

[Breakingpoint13]

He's since contacted my work again telling me how amazing his new gf is, what she does for a living her family situation and how much he respects here. And when i replied saying why would I need to know that please dont contact this email again.

His response, well I wouldnt have to email you on here if you didnt block me! Why even remotely message me and tell me info about her? Why would he care to do that! arghh

[babyducks]

Why even remotely message me and tell me info about her? Why would he care to do that! arghh

because people on the lower functioning spectrum of BPD do not have any recognition of how their behavior impacts others.     

He wants attention.   You are providing attention.

He wants to 'win' the debate of 'am I lovable or not'.   You are engaging in the debate.

He wants to 'prove' that he is great relationship material.

He wants to dump his emotional outbursts on some one.    You are giving him an outlet.

if he contacts again I would suggest a BIFF.    Brief.   Informative.    Firm and Friendly.     'that's nice.     wish you the best.   too busy to reply'.

[Breakingpoint13]

There will be a absolutely no response now. I felt like I had to reply to tell him not to contact my work again.

[Breakingpoint13]

I am not going to lie, I have met this get to me and his gaslighting more than I should, and did believe him and let him effect myself worth for a while. I absolutely hate this rollercoaster. I need to keep reminding myself!

I hate the fight I hate the anger and I just completely hate having to recover from this

[Breakingpoint13]

struggling today with the recent gaslighting... can anyone help?

[babyducks]

when we become involved with some one who functions at the borderline level, we tend to become overly identified with their thinking.

we tend to become overly attached to their point of view.    we spend time debating it, with them and in our own heads.    we tend to take what they say on board as if it the gospel truth... from Sinai on stone tablets.     we tend to let it inside our own emotional boundaries where it hurts our self esteem and sense of serenity.

don't have conversations with people who are not there.   if you find yourself debating or arguing with him,... even if he isn't in the room distract yourself.

identify your own emotional boundaries... these are different from physical boundaries of if you send me a toxic email I won't read it.     emotional boundaries are if you tell me some ridiculous piece of nonsense I won't engage with it.

it was my experience that I ended up with a pwBPD because I really got hooked on the idealization.   and when it switched to devaluation that really hurt.    the answer was to learn how I could make myself feel good about me.   rather than relying on someone else to do it.   

easy to say.    hard to do.

what makes you feel good about you?

[Breakingpoint13]

I think i have just come to the realization for the last year I was in my toxic job and with him. We had a lockdown and the only people I saw were the toxic people in work, him, his family or friends. As his gaslighting and their behavior have all been negative towards me I think I have just learnt to believe the majority compared the minority. Now that we are getting back to normal and I am able to see my kind of people I am finding it hard to believe them when they say im great.

I know my truth, I know just how much I tried to help him, and I know im a good person. In the latest interactions with him he didnt even touch on what hes done to me, which he has done in the past. It was still all blame me and about how great he now is.

I know full on deep down hes not. I know everything he said to me was a reflection of his hurt, but my god I've told him hes hurt me, he saw me at a suicide attempt how can he not know I feel pain.

I'm anxious that he tries to hurt me again. I just don't know how I will react the next time.

I skydive, he told me his friends think im pathetic for it and cringe at my videos. Now I know that says way more about them than me. Ive done really well in my life and I try to live this as best as I can, without hurting people. Without pulling them down. Im just struggling to remember this.

[LovelyRita50]

His response, well I wouldnt have to email you on here if you didnt block me! Why even remotely message me and tell me info about her? Why would he care to do that! arghh

His response is so telling.

Of course, he HAD to email you at work because you blocked him elsewhere. He HAD to, because he NEEDS the attention. He NEEDS the validation that everything in his life is peachy keen now, so obviously YOU were the source of his unhappiness. He desperately needs that, because without it, he would have to face his own responsibility in the shame that comes with it. He absolutely cannot handle that, so he seeks to make his feelings all about external factors.

It's ridiculously tragic, in a way. Without some honest, heavy self-evaluation, he is going to bounce from person to person depending on them for his happiness, and then dumping them when they inevitably don't measure up. He's condemned himself to a life of unstable relationships, and he can't even recognize it.

I have adopted a phrase for when my exGF says something crazy: "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

[Breakingpoint13]

Thanks LovelyRita,

I did say to him, if you need the validation and you need to plaster it out there to show everyone that you dont need me and are happier without me then fine, but someone happy wouldnt feel the need to do this. It would be private, especially so early on.

What can I expect now then? Is this the last of it or will he try and hurt me in more ways?

[babyducks]

I know everything he said to me was a reflection of his hurt, but my god I've told him hes hurt me, he saw me at a suicide attempt how can he not know I feel pain.

why is this important to you?    I am not picking on you.    I am genuinely asking.     why is important that he knows you feel pain?

What can I expect now then? Is this the last of it or will he try and hurt me in more ways?

do you feel that you can protect yourself from any toxic behavior ?    what steps would you take to protect yourself?

[Breakingpoint13]

Baby ducks,

No this is what I question? Why does it matter to me I don’t even respect him? So why do I feel the pain I do? I won’t open any thing off him if he was to reach out again which I doubt he would. I think what I’m trying to understand is how can he not understand that I feel his pain and that he doesn’t need to do this.

But what else can I do to protect myself? I’ve even considered selling my house and moving but I feel like that is me running away

[babyducks]

here is a couple of thoughts to kick around.

have you heard the term 'enmeshment'?   its a therapeutic term. Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people feel each others emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well.

it sounds like you might be enmeshed with your Ex.   when he escalates you do as well.    and that is painful.

I think what I’m trying to understand is how can he not understand that I feel his pain and that he doesn’t need to do this.

this is enmeshment.  it doesn't help.  it makes things worse.

I did say to him, if you need the validation and you need to plaster it out there to show everyone that you dont need me and are happier without me then fine, but someone happy wouldnt feel the need to do this.

this also looks like enmeshment to me.   I really recommend you find tools to stop doing this.

to protect yourself you want to detach and de-escalate.   detachment does not have to be physical.    it doesn't have to be sell and move.   it can be entirely internal.

so how do you do that.     

you watch your language.

say these phrases out loud with me:
I feel pain.
I notice that I feel pain.
I notice that right now I am feeling pain.

can you see how the first - I feel pain is immediate and intense?     can you see how the second I notice that I feel pain is moving you out of the immediate and intense and into a wise mind... calming and soothing.     can you see how the last I notice I feel pain right now is start to put boundaries around this and back away from it?

the way you speak to yourself matters.   it matters quite a lot.  the words you use to describe things to yourself creates your reality.   be careful how you choose them.

I'm anxious that he tries to hurt me again. I just don't know how I will react the next time.

lets try and detach and de-escalate this.
I'm anxious that he will try and hurt me again.
I'm anxious that he will contact me again and that might be painful.
I'm concerned that further contact might be hurtful.
I'm worried about hearing from him again.
If he contacts me I know to stop, pause and reach out for support.

do you think you can try to detach and de-escalate this one -
I just don't know how I will react the next time.

ducks

[Breakingpoint13]

wow I have never even considered that. That's very interesting and didnt think it was possible tbh.

Im so sorry if im being a pain, but thank you all for you advice. I appreciate it.

[Turkish]

My T, the one my ex abandoned me to in order to get fixed, said, "personalities typically don't change."

It could be that the new r/s person is a better match. It took over a year, close to two, for my ex and the guy she left me for and married, to start having, major issues. Even so, when she was dating him while she was still living with me, she told me later that he commented on her anger. 

I was initially resentful that he got a far better "honeymoon" period than I did (this seems to be a common feeling with most of us), but given how it ended up, no. I eventually felt compassion for that poor  despite him being "the other man."

[Breakingpoint13]

So he tried calling me again Thursday night, I hated seeing his constant changing picture on his WhatsApp too. So I’ve changed my number.

I hope this isn’t a trigger for him. And I hope this is a step in the right direction for me. I also bumped into his sister today. I completely ignored her. (I wouldn’t normally at least say hi) then came home and had another big panick attack. I can not wait until this stops!