What's she up to now?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

uBPD mother is 85, and a litany of serious health issues both physical and mental.  The last time my mother house sat for us was about 10 years ago.  When we arrived home from a road trip our house alarm was not set.  Also, oddly, my husband couldn't find his grinder in the shop for the next six months, and blamed himself for moving it and not remembering what he did with it.  One day over 6 months later, mother asked him to open the trunk of her car and take something out that was heavy.  He went to help, opened her trunk, and there was his grinder.  She had removed it from our shop while we were on holidays, and gifted it to her boyfriend.  When they had a "fight" and she got "mad" at him, she took "her" grinder back.  She claimed that she thought it had been her deceased husband's.  After that incident, we always found someone else to care for our house/garden whilst we were away on a trip.

Fast forward to now.  Mother has shrunk 6 inches, uses a walker inside her house, doesn't come to our house any more because it has stairs and is too much for her to walk.  She's had repeated falls and broken bones, and received a lot of home care after her falls, because I needed the support.  I would love to be able to care for my mother, but she abuses me when she's stressed, so I do what I am able, and home care does what they do.  She's refused assisted living even though she was assessed and qualified.  Instead she lives "independently", but assisted, thanks to H and I, and her friends which she charms into meeting her needs.  Two days ago she told me she couldn't go to her luncheon with her lady friends because she had a phone appointment with her Dr in the morning, and "she can only do one thing a day".  The rest of the day she naps.

Coming up in August, we have to go out of town for a week to deal with some nasty family business with SIL related to my H executing his father's Will.  We will be gone for about a week.  It is about our 5th family trip this year, for one reason or another.  For the last 10ish years we have relied on an alarm system, or house sitters to watch our house since the grinder incident.  Today, out of the blue, I get a text from mother which says: "Hi.  Can check on your place daily.  Would like to do that.  When are you leaving?"  Meanwhile, D24 who is visiting from out of town, says "grandma checked our house alarm code with her , and was proud she still remembered it".  

 !

Maybe there's a chance that mother is challenging her memory and just proud she can remember the code she hasn't used in 10 years?  But why would she text me and offer to "look after our place" which is something she isn't physically able to do?  When she "goes for a drive" and shows up in our driveway, she doesn't even get out of her car anymore because it's too much effort.  If we are in our garden, we go visit her in her car.  If we are inside the house, she honks until we discover she is in the driveway.  So what's her alterior motive in offering to "look after our place"?  What's she up to?  Snooping?  Bringing a friend?  What's going to disappear this time?

The saddest thing is knowing we can never trust our mothers. Always wondering "what is her game here"?

I told my husband I want to change the alarm code before we leave.  He said, "if she uses it, the police will come", and I replied, "then that's what needs to happen".

H replied to her text.  He told her "we had already arranged for the same person to watch the house and check mail who always looks after it while we are away.  The garden is on timers and waters itself, and the houseplants are in trays with extra water.  So for one week everything is fine, but thank you for offering."

My mother never just does anything out of the goodness of her heart for another person.  There's always something in it for her.  She always has an alterior motive.  At least that's my take on it, and my lived experience.  I am so sad that I can't trust my mother.  She has no boundaries.

Her text offering to look after our place (which she clearly isn't physically able to do) made me frustrated and angry.  My brain automatically goes into defensive mode, and I can't help but wonder what she is up to.  Then I feel bad for thinking like this.  Then feeling bad makes me mad.    

Even though H and D24 have witnessed enough of my mother's behavior and abuse to accept my mother is uBPD, both think I am over-reacting, and mother is just trying to be generous.  "Really"?  It feels like NO ONE WHO HASN'T BEEN RAISED BY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE CAN "GET IT".    Even if she did just want to help, it doesn't change anything, because there is just so much hurt and past abuse, that I can never ever trust my mother.  It just never goes away, regardless of how much work we do on ourselves.  I'm just having a moment.  Thanks for listening.

[Methuen]

uBPD mother is 85, and a litany of serious health issues both physical and mental.  The last time my mother house sat for us was about 10 years ago.  When we arrived home from a road trip our house alarm was not set.  Also, oddly, my husband couldn't find his grinder in the shop for the next six months, and blamed himself for moving it and not remembering what he did with it.  One day over 6 months later, mother asked him to open the trunk of her car and take something out that was heavy.  He went to help, opened her trunk, and there was his grinder.  She had removed it from our shop while we were on holidays, and gifted it to her boyfriend.  When they had a "fight" and she got "mad" at him, she took "her" grinder back.  She claimed that she thought it had been her deceased husband's.  After that incident, we always found someone else to care for our house/garden whilst we were away on a trip.

Fast forward to now.  Mother has shrunk 6 inches, uses a walker inside her house, doesn't come to our house any more because it has stairs and is too much for her to walk.  She's had repeated falls and broken bones, and received a lot of home care after her falls, because I needed the support.  I would love to be able to care for my mother, but she abuses me when she's stressed, so I do what I am able, and home care does what they do.  She's refused assisted living even though she was assessed and qualified.  Instead she lives "independently", but assisted, thanks to H and I, and her friends which she charms into meeting her needs.  Two days ago she told me she couldn't go to her luncheon with her lady friends because she had a phone appointment with her Dr in the morning, and "she can only do one thing a day".  The rest of the day she naps.

Coming up in August, we have to go out of town for a week to deal with some nasty family business with SIL related to my H executing his father's Will.  We will be gone for about a week.  It is about our 5th family trip this year, for one reason or another.  For the last 10ish years we have relied on an alarm system, or house sitters to watch our house since the grinder incident.  Today, out of the blue, I get a text from mother which says: "Hi.  Can check on your place daily.  Would like to do that.  When are you leaving?"  Meanwhile, D24 who is visiting from out of town, says "grandma checked our house alarm code with her , and was proud she still remembered it".  

 !

Maybe there's a chance that mother is challenging her memory and just proud she can remember the code she hasn't used in 10 years?  But why would she text me and offer to "look after our place" which is something she isn't physically able to do?  When she "goes for a drive" and shows up in our driveway, she doesn't even get out of her car anymore because it's too much effort.  If we are in our garden, we go visit her in her car.  If we are inside the house, she honks until we discover she is in the driveway.  So what's her alterior motive in offering to "look after our place"?  What's she up to?  Snooping?  Bringing a friend?  What's going to disappear this time?

The saddest thing is knowing we can never trust our mothers. Always wondering "what is her game here"?

I told my husband I want to change the alarm code before we leave.  He said, "if she uses it, the police will come", and I replied, "then that's what needs to happen".

H replied to her text.  He told her "we had already arranged for the same person to watch the house and check mail who always looks after it while we are away.  The garden is on timers and waters itself, and the houseplants are in trays with extra water.  So for one week everything is fine, but thank you for offering."

My mother never just does anything out of the goodness of her heart for another person.  There's always something in it for her.  She always has an alterior motive.  At least that's my take on it, and my lived experience.  I am so sad that I can't trust my mother.  She has no boundaries.

Her text offering to look after our place (which she clearly isn't physically able to do) made me frustrated and angry.  My brain automatically goes into defensive mode, and I can't help but wonder what she is up to.  Then I feel bad for thinking like this.  Then feeling bad makes me mad.    

Even though H and D24 have witnessed enough of my mother's behavior and abuse to accept my mother is uBPD, both think I am over-reacting, and mother is just trying to be generous.  "Really"?  It feels like NO ONE WHO HASN'T BEEN RAISED BY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE CAN "GET IT".    Even if she did just want to help, it doesn't change anything, because there is just so much hurt and past abuse, that I can never ever trust my mother.  It just never goes away, regardless of how much work we do on ourselves.  I'm just having a moment.  Thanks for listening.

[zachira]

We are always glad to listen. You are very generous in helping other members here.
It is so sad to not be able to trust your own mother and to never know what she will do next that will be hurtful and upsetting. I don't believe we can really understand the motives and thinking of someone who is irrational and acts out for no apparent reasons.  It still hurts though when it is your own mother, and especially after how kind you and your husband have been to her.
Do whatever will make you feel safe.
It sounds to me like your mother is making a threat that she could not follow through on, just seems to thrive on making you uncomfortable.

[Notwendy]

The saddest thing is knowing we can never trust our mothers. Always wondering "what is her game here"?


My mother never just does anything out of the goodness of her heart for another person.  There's always something in it for her.  She always has an ulterior motive.  At least that's my take on it, and my lived experience.  I am so sad that I can't trust my mother.  She has no boundaries.

Oh gosh, you and I could be sisters. After my recent visit to BPD mom, I have heard she has been making plans to move closer to me without telling me. She asked me to take some things out of her house, and actually let me do that this time ( usually she takes them back). I realize now she just enlisted me to make her move easier. This was her plot the whole time, she just didn't bother to tell me.

I don't know if she has the funds to do this or not, or what her plans are. I just feel so used all the time when I am around her. She sets me up for her own purpose- and doesn't reveal what that is.

She is about the same age and condition your mother is in. She really needs assisted living but is at home with home health. One fear I have if she did move to assisted living is that she'd get kicked out due to her manipulative and abusive behavior. She also doesn't go along with any rules. She has to be in control. The staff is not going to put up with that.

So what is your mother up to? Who knows. I agree with your H though. Change the code on the alarm. It's your home. If she tries it, the police will come. So what? They aren't going to put your mother in jail- they will think she's a sweet mother with a poor memory who was trying to help. They will take her home and make sure she's OK and she'll know she can't sneak into your house.

People don't understand why I don't want my mother in close proximity. They may not understand why you don't trust your mother, but I do. I don't trust mine for a second.

[Notwendy]

People also don't understand our level of anxiety over this. It's not only "what is she up to now?" It's also "what else is she up to now"?

Whenever I discover that BPD mom has done something or is planning something behind my back, I wonder what else she is wanting to do, because it's not one thing. Boundaries are meaningless to her. So for your mom, it's not "I want to check your house". It's "I want to get into your house and do..." which you don't know.


So for my mother, it's not one thing, it's what else don't I know about?

[zachira]

Methuen and Notwendy:
I am wondering if you have ever considered that your mothers might be jealous of you. You are kind, compassionate, generous people. Your mothers will never be able to have the kind of rewarding relationships you have with others, or the self awareness you have to be authentic people.

[Methuen]

Thank you NotWendy and Zachira for the support.  It's just so nice to have a place to think out loud and vent, and know there is a community that shares similar lived experience and actually gets it, in a way that even our own family members and partners can't, because they weren't raised by her.

To answer your question Zachira, it's possible there has been an element of jealousy at play at times. She famously told me she never wanted to hear H and I talk about our work when we were with her.  Back then I just thought she was selfish, because sharing work stories would mean we weren't talking about her.  Now I understand the broader picture of BPD.  It would be hard to untangle the jealousy from other things.  She's just so complicated.  

It's a complicated kindness to be the daughter of a BPD mom, and try to keep it together through their shenanigans, or when they go right off the rails, and take the culmination of their rage from their life and dump it on us.

Haven't directly dealt with her house sitting offer yet.  But today she texted me and said "let's go out for your anniversary.  You've been so busy.  I'll call ________ restaurant."

 

So we have gone along with this for almost all of our last 33 years.  Of course when we are in the restaurant, there's no sharing of memories or anniversary talk.  It's all about her, and her friends, and who is sick, and who has died, and what part of her body is hurting today, what she saw her neighbour doing and blah blah blah.  She's like a run-a-way train talking about herself.  So now I have to text her back and explain we are going to do a date night for our anniversary this year.  She of course will feel rejected, and left out, unworthy, unlovable.  Uge.    I'm just kind of depleted right now, and tired of dealing with the little day to day things with her.  It's hard to catch a break.  Unless I go off the grid and into the wilderness.

Oh gosh, you and I could be sisters. After my recent visit to BPD mom, I have heard she has been making plans to move closer to me without telling me. She asked me to take some things out of her house, and actually let me do that this time ( usually she takes them back). I realize now she just enlisted me to make her move easier. This was her plot the whole time, she just didn't bother to tell me.

Oh man I so get this!  This is exactly what has me wondering why my mother is checking our house alarm code with our daughter, and why she wants to "watch our house", when she's normally reluctant to get out of her car or come inside our house which has stairs?  What is she up to?  There's always a self-serving motivation.  

Now that you know what your mom is up to...what are your thoughts about how to move forward?  Based on my experience, if my mom was your mom, after the move is over, and she has her first dysregulation, she would blame me for making her move, and say she should have stayed where she was.  That's how it goes.  My mom lives 6 minutes away.  The only time I really feel free is when I'm in the wilderness.  Or 3 years ago, when our family flew to the opposite hemisphere of the planet for 3 weeks.  How far into this plan is your mom NotWendy?  Can you and H coincidentally say you have been thinking of moving, just to slow her down and maybe she puts the brakes on this idea of hers?

So for my mother, it's not one thing, it's what else don't I know about...People don't understand why I don't want my mother in close proximity. They may not understand why you don't trust your mother, but I do. I don't trust mine for a second.

Thank you so much for this NotWendy.  Every time my mom has another fall, I can see in people's eyes that they think I should move her in with  me.  One employer even asked "will your mom live with you?".  OMG.  I'm not a game of thrones fan, but these moments always make me think of Ygrette saying "you know nothing Jon Snow".  People don't understand why we don't want our mother's living with us.  They know nothing, but how can they when their only lived experience is a mother they can actually trust?  Thank you thank you thank you for that support.






  

[GaGrl]

My step-grandmother was completely untrustworthy. When my father instigated our move (due to baby drama), we moved 200 miles away. I think my grandparents MIGHT have visited us about once every 18-24 months. My SGM knew she wasn't in control at our house.

That didn't stop her from calling and begging my mother, then later my sister and me, to come "help out" because my grandad was sick. Rarely did he need help -- she was just ready to take a break, watch tv, and eat junk food. We caught on after a few false alarms.

I agree -- they never present the real issue. There are several layers of calculation going on.

[Notwendy]

She told me she wants to move and I didn't argue which she took as an agreement. Arguing doesn't do any good as she then has a giant fit and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that. Sometimes she says it to test me out or hook me into drama so I just said " you do what you want". She said "will you visit me?" and my answer was "I visit you now don't I?"

She knows I won't help her move. I also know her buying power is diminished since she has spent down some of the equity on the house so I am not sure what she can do. But she's free to do what she wants with her money and arguing is useless.

She knows we won't move. We both like our jobs and reality is that we are not likely to start new jobs anywhere. But she doesn't give a cr@p about me, it's the kids she wants and while they are not at home she knows they visit and she wants them to help fill her needs. They know better- they may be polite but they are not signing on for that. I told one of them her plans and they  just brushed it off . They are busy with their own activities and aren't always at my house either.

Zachira- she's not so much jealous of me, but she wants what she thinks is the perks of being a grandmother, without being a mother. She wants to enlist my kids to fill her needs. That is not going to happen. It's not that she is jealous, she just thinks she's entitled to having that whether I like it or not. To her, my purpose is to serve her needs.

[Teabunny]

I know what you're talking about. It is so hard not to be able to trust our mothers and have the anxiety of wondering "what's she up to now"? Ironic what you said, Methuen, "It's hard to catch a break.  Unless I go off the grid and into the wilderness." I literally live off the grid (solar, rainwater, etc) and I had to laugh...childhood me fantasized about living in nature and maybe adult me followed through, knowing that I am safer far away, where mom has never visited me in about 14 years.

But any contact is still a similar problem, just easier.

My mom carefully saved seeds from her beautiful lush exotic flower gardens and mailed them to me, oddly with her full name written on each seed pack within the box, and asked me to plant these non-native invasive flowers in my yard off-grid where I work for nature conservation and there is an easement preventing the introduction of such plants (only natives are allowed, to protect plant communities and native wildlife who need host plants to reproduce). Mom knows about this context, but I think she needed to feel proud of her garden and feel good about sharing blooms with me. She didn't ask me if I wanted or needed seeds or if I had time to replicate her gardens here (I sure can't make that investment). I asked a fellow conservation worker "What would you do with all these seed packages I can't plant?" and they said "Pray that this never happens to me."  They suggested I burn them all so that they can't get out into the wilderness and further the problem of introduced species in ecological preserves. After destroying the seed packages, of course Mom asked if I had planted the beautiful flowers she sent me and if any had come up yet. I again explained about my yard being a conservation area under an easement preventing such plantings, and once again thanked her for her gift but said we would not be planting non-native invasive flowers. Now she is asking me to give the seed packets away so that someone else can enjoy the flowers after she went to great efforts to harvest and mail them to me. (This is probably about her needing to feel useful and appreciated) I'm not sure how I should respond while maintaining my value of honesty. Obviously it's now physically impossible to fulfill her request.

Not only can't we trust our parents' gifts or offers, but, somewhere in the backs of our minds we envision having parents who are truly supportive and walk beside us on our life journeys. For example I have friends who love what I'm doing and give me native, allowed plants after checking with me if it's something we need here. It's not about their feelings - it's about love, respect, mutual enjoyment, no obligations or guilt.

But I sure understand what you said about getting a break off-grid in the wilderness! Isn't it a wonderful relief and joy? 

[Methuen]

Ironic what you said, "It's hard to catch a break unless I go off the grid and into the wilderness." I literally live off the grid (solar, rainwater, etc) and I had to laugh...childhood me fantasized about living in nature and maybe adult me followed through

I love love love this.  So happy for you. I always look forward to my trips off the grid and into the wilderness...for a few reasons.

Your story about the seeds made me laugh.  I also felt so understood!  Thank you for both the humour and showing the understanding.  My goodness my mom does this ALL the time.  It's non stop.  "I've made buns for you, can someone please come to town and pick them up now?" I'm expected to drop whatever I'm doing and go pick up the precious buns because "they are the best ever".  I've told her we don't eat white bread, but the buns keep coming.  We nibble on a couple to ease our conscience and then they quickly get stale and find their way onto our compost sadly.  She also told me on my last visit that she had started a cutting for me from 2 of her plants.  Did I ask for them?  Do I even like these plants?  (no and no)

Not only can't we trust our parents' gifts or offers, but, somewhere in the backs of our minds we envision having parents who are truly supportive and walk beside us on our life journeys. For example I have friends who love what I'm doing and give me native, allowed plants after checking with me if it's something we need here. It's not about their feelings - it's about love, respect, mutual enjoyment, no obligations or guilt.

Exactly.  

[Teabunny]

Update about the seeds, I decided to stay honest and told mom we destroyed the seeds after she asked if I had planted them, I told her no because it violates the conservation easement, and she asked me to give them to someone else to plant because she worked so hard to harvest the seeds and mail them to us.

Thank you for understanding, Mom. We had the seeds on our bookshelf for awhile and appreciated the thought, but eventually asked another conservationist what we could do about preventing their spread into the wild and they recommended burning them to protect the plants and wildlife that depend on a natural native ecosystem. It's a lovely idea to share seeds with others but I can't do that because they're gone. You don't have to work hard harvesting seeds that end up destroyed if you make sure you're sending them to a gardener who wants them and can plant them. I appreciate you with or without seeds and think your gardens are fantastic!

She replied simply:

Oh my goodness! I have to admit that I was quite shocked when I read that you burned those flower seeds! Ouch! All of those beautiful pollinators. Oh well. Lesson learned. Thank you for letting me know.
Mom

I think it's ok if I don't reply to this but I'm not sure if its resolved on either end. I feel like I should apologize for hurting her feelings again, yet, this is not my fault because I didn't ask her to mail me seeds (told her not to send things I couldn't plant, actually) and controlling people by expecting them to recreate your garden in their home is wrong, although it sounds nice on the surface - sharing seeds, a great idea in a loving open communication relationship. I don't expect anything from her, of course, like apologizing for not listening to me or asking what I can plant or if there's anything I need, and I don't really expect "lesson learned" either. Should I practice some of the skills we learn here, like validating her feelings and stating my own...I'm not sure exactly what to practice or to just let it drop.

[Methuen]

Hey Teabunny, I wouldn't overthink it.  This went well, so let it go. I would not apologize. I think that would be sending the exact wrong message.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it...

A simple "Thanks for understanding mom.  Have a good _______ "(day, weekend ... whatever works for you) would work, if you want to wrap up the communication.  It actually reinforces her positive response (and hopefully encourages more of the same in the future).

Just my thoughts.

[Notwendy]

I agree with Methuen. It's easy for us to feel responsible for other people's feelings and feel we need to smooth things over for them. Part of changing the dynamics is allowing them to deal with their own feelings. So I agree with the brief reply that Methuen suggests.

[Teabunny]

Methuen and Notwendy, Yes I agree, I shouldn't overthink it. I'll just send a brief positive reinforcement and then let it go. Which I hope it does "go". Thank you so much!

Methuen I thought your mother's precious buns behavior was so funny, thanks for sharing! Mom's never been capable of understanding anyone's dietary restrictions, not 20 years ago and not now. When I was a vegetarian for a decade, she interpreted it as "vegetables must be present in ALL foods no matter how out of place" which resulted in broccoli muffins etc!  With this seed thing I had a major crossroads and chose to insist on making myself visible to mom, by living my values / obeying the law / not lying to appease her - even though she can't see who I am, I can still choose to repeatedly show myself (while not giving away information that could be used as ammunition). It does feel scary to defy her expectations, but oddly, a relief. Have you ever considered not accepting the buns or not nibbling them to feel less badly about not eating them, and keeping to your choices or would that be a bad idea in your situation?

[khibomsis]

  broccoli muffins! Made me miss my dear departed mom, who would infallibly pick a busy time of work deadlines to send me on a mission to Timbuktu for roc's eggs. Thank you for the lighter side

[Methuen]

Teabunny,

Have you ever considered not accepting the buns or not nibbling them to feel less badly about not eating them, and keeping to your choices or would that be a bad idea in your situation?

I have.  I have reminded her that the specialist recommended I avoid gluten.  She isn't able to accept that.  She doesn't hear it.  "These are the best ever!  Take them!" If I protest, she continues to insist.  It's hopeless for me.  So I take them.  Then they go on the compost, OR, I eat one or two to appease my guilt, and put the rest on the compost.  If I were to say "I can't take them", she takes it as personal rejection.  It is as if her and the buns are one, and if I reject the buns, I am also rejecting her.  Writing it makes it feel weirder.  Earlier in our life, my H and I declined a $10,000 cheque she had already made out when she handed it to us.  There had been no prior discussion, but she was gifting us with a contribution to a downpayment on a house.  We all know money comes with strings attached, so there was NO WAY we were going to accept that money.  What we told her was that we wanted to finance the down payment "on our own" through hard work and our own pride.  Declining the money was a HUGE crisis, which lasted for months or even a year because she took it as personal rejection.  OMG the drama.  So now I pick my battles.  Buns aren't worth the battle, although the last dozen she gave me, I took 2 off the plate, and put them back on her baking tray saying "we can't eat that many at our age" (she's always had body image issues, and tried to project her anorexia onto me by underfeeding me and keeping me small when I was growing up).  Hence, today, the buns go onto the compost.  It's just not worth the drama.

[Methuen]

Back to the first paragraph of my thread. We leave today on a short trip to deal with H's unpleasant final chapter of the family business.  Since she was asking grand-daughter our house alarm code (she didn't ask us), and she has crossed boundaries in the past when we have gone away on trips, including giving away items to her boyfriend that belonged to us, we have decided to change the alarm code.  Today, before we leave town, I am dropping off a nice plate of home made chow mein (a favourite of hers).  As we are leaving I am going to tell her we have someone watching our place while we are gone, and so we changed our alarm code for that person (we make it their phone number so it is easier to remember).  We don't have a house alarm because we have so much to protect, but because we don't live in a great neighborhood, which has had break ins in the past.  It's just personal safety.  The truth in what I am telling her is that we are changing the alarm code, the lie is that no one is entering the house while we are away (only checking the outside mailbox and keeping it for us). We don't feel comfortable with the possibility that she may want to snoop around the house.  I am an honest person, and honesty is a value that has guided my life.  But I live in the same town as my mother, I am her only family, I am her POA, and I have to somehow survive this relationship with her.  Personal safety is also an important value to me.  I know I can't trust my mother, so I do what I have to do to manage the situation and my well being, when two important values are in conflict with each other.  It's hard.  Anyone else struggle with this?

[zachira]

Sounds like you have a great plan. I understand your not liking to lie to your mother yet you know there really is no choice if you are to feel safe while you are on your trip. I am in the process of lying to several family members and their friends so I can stay safe and be in a better position to get what I need and not be taken advantage of. It is a sad lesson we learn that certain people we have to be deceptive with for our own safety, and it is especially sad when it is a close family member, saddest of all when it is your own mother. I hope you have a great trip and know that you have made the best plan possible to keep your house and belongings safe. Your vacation is well deserved after all the kind thoughtful caretaking of your mother you have been doing for years without any siblings to help you.

[Notwendy]

I don't like to lie to my mother either, and wish I didn't fall back on that, but the playing field isn't fair- she lies constantly and uses my own ethics to her advantage. I try not to do it but if I feel I am in a corner with her, or just can't face another dramatic blow up- I resort to it as a means of self preservation. I understand that her lying should not dictate my own ethics, but when I have no other way of protecting a boundary, I sometimes feel it's the best choice in the moment.

Yes, the asking someone else for information she knows she probably won't get from me. Now that my kids are young adults, she has their numbers and texts them. Fortunately they have good boundaries with her. Methuen, I would do the same thing you did with the house alarm code. And yes, pick your battles. It's important to keep your house secure. I would not be as concerned about buns.

[Teabunny]

I know I can't trust my mother, so I do what I have to do to manage the situation and my well being, when two important values are in conflict with each other.  It's hard.  Anyone else struggle with this?

YES! This is so true! And coincidentally, around age 30 I also had to be tested and told by the lab technician not to eat gluten and eggs anymore. I'm faced with lying to mom when she sends me food I can't eat and asked if I enjoyed it, or even eating some to soothe my guilt about lying, or choosing my health and not eating it and being honest with her despite upsetting her. I've done it all!

Also coincidentally, when I had a kidney disease in high school, the doctor ordered mom to limit my salt intake, but, probably a control thing and due to her own body image problems, my mom started extremely limiting my calorie intake instead of just salt (like cutting foods in half before allowing me to eat) and after my swelling disappeared months later, everyone thought I looked anorexic until I escaped to glorious college buffets. I still remember a joke from a friend who noticed my swelling and observed mom's style of feeding me: "I don't know what you've got in there, but it's sure not food!" Thank you, this is helping me better understand why I was so food-obsessed as a teenager and even now why I have anxiety about not being given access to food.

But regarding your question, Methuen, for myself I figure:

1) Mom will find ways to be upset even if I jeopardize my values of honesty and healthy choices for my body, including her being angry that it's a Sunday, which happened when I lived at home. [What happened to her on Sundays that makes her so angry on Sundays? I don't think her FOO attended religious services.] I don't see the reward for lying to her anymore. Avoiding drama is an illusion, to me. Lying to her wouldn't make me safer. She'd either find me out and get mad or be upset by something outside my control. But how hard it is to be honest! 

2) I would want to avoid hurting her if I had a healthy relationship with mom. A healthy mother-daughter relationship does not include a mom that tries to get me to hurt my body or break the law here, so I now choose not to attempt avoiding drama in those ways. I do limit contact as much as possible though. If I were in your boat, living in the same city, as caretaker of mom...nope, would not get into that boat, I think. We'd all sink together, which has always been mom's vision anyway. Hopefully in your case there are rewards to the values conflict / having to lie and keep the peace (and see it working).

[Teabunny]

Methuen and all,
I just realized another reason to necessitate dishonesty despite discomfort with values conflicting -

When the person's mind isn't working properly. I read some medical tips on Alzheimer's, dementia, etc and in certain cases, to calm someone down or keep them feeling safe and in control, one MUST lie, shockingly. Reassuring them that we can "go home" after they eat lunch (when they're already home but forget because they only recall their childhood home). Our landlady is in this sort of situation and we're in the same boat with her as caretakers on a team. I don't know exactly what she has but it's something! For example, whenever we sell or give away furniture we bought or were given years ago by other people, we have to be wary of letting her see it leave. She will insist that we either keep it forever, or give it to her to hold onto in her own home (she's a hoarder) and then she forgets she insisted on taking our stuff and will ask when we're getting "our things" out of her basement (and our lease requires us to not store anything outside of our leased area). If we're unsuccessful at hiding moving stuff out of our home, we have to lie and say our parents want to keep it for us so it's going to family (because we've learned this makes her happy and peace can return). I do often feel that some people with BPD are experiencing a similar sort of alternate reality / broken logical processing. We've distanced ourselves from her during the pandemic when she had to be in quarantine at her retirement home anyway, and she has other caretakers now, and it's so much better!