New here…husband with BPD stealing from me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

There are so many things to unpack I’m not sure where to start. I travel a lot for business. He is retired, stays home with the dogs and putters around the house. When I’m away I get harassing texts from with his delusions of how I’m actually having an affair and not working. I always turn the phone off now. There has never been, in 38 years, an apology. Last time I went away he had stolen clothes, jewelry, etc. He removed any items of clothing or lingerie he deemed too sexy. I have found some it but not all and just replace other things. One morning I got up and he had taken all my credit cards and drivers license out of my purse and cut them up so I “wouldn’t be able to leave me.” He also took my passport and would not give it back for a few months until I told him I was replacing it and it would cost $150.
He has on occasion taken my work laptop and phone, personal laptop and phone, etc. One day when I had left my work laptop open he wrote down my boss’s number. He was going to tell her some lies about me. Fortunately I spoke to her and told her the whole story first. She divorced an abusive spouse too and was totally understanding.
This last week I did a little test. I still had some lacy underwear I had hidden before. I put it in a drawer of an old dresser no one uses with a note “leave this alone.” Yesterday it was gone. I’m thinking he must have placed a camera somewhere because there is no way he would know.
I’m at the beach now with my grandson and I’ll bet when I get home things will be gone. I’ve been locking things up but he ransacks everything when I’m not home and has broken locks, stole my safe, etc. I’m tired of looking around and seeing what else I need to hide while I’m gone.
I’m at wits end. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Rose409]

There are so many things to unpack I’m not sure where to start. I travel a lot for business. He is retired, stays home with the dogs and putters around the house. When I’m away I get harassing texts from with his delusions of how I’m actually having an affair and not working. I always turn the phone off now. There has never been, in 38 years, an apology. Last time I went away he had stolen clothes, jewelry, etc. He removed any items of clothing or lingerie he deemed too sexy. I have found some it but not all and just replace other things. One morning I got up and he had taken all my credit cards and drivers license out of my purse and cut them up so I “wouldn’t be able to leave me.” He also took my passport and would not give it back for a few months until I told him I was replacing it and it would cost $150.
He has on occasion taken my work laptop and phone, personal laptop and phone, etc. One day when I had left my work laptop open he wrote down my boss’s number. He was going to tell her some lies about me. Fortunately I spoke to her and told her the whole story first. She divorced an abusive spouse too and was totally understanding.
This last week I did a little test. I still had some lacy underwear I had hidden before. I put it in a drawer of an old dresser no one uses with a note “leave this alone.” Yesterday it was gone. I’m thinking he must have placed a camera somewhere because there is no way he would know.
I’m at the beach now with my grandson and I’ll bet when I get home things will be gone. I’ve been locking things up but he ransacks everything when I’m not home and has broken locks, stole my safe, etc. I’m tired of looking around and seeing what else I need to hide while I’m gone.
I’m at wits end. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! He sounds very insecure and worried about you leaving. Can you rent a small storage locker for the things you value?

Has this been a regular pattern throughout your relationship? If not, do you think he might be starting to get dementia symptoms?

[Rose409]

Thank you. Most of the things he takes are clothes, shoes, jewelry, and then he has taken my electronics as well to the point that I have to take them everywhere. I finally found a lock for my laptop but he’s a master at breaking in or destroying locks. I work at home so having these in a storage locker won’t work, and I have to have my clothes. So far I’m just spending his money to replace them. But what is wrong with him? I’ve told him many times I can and will leave when and if I want to, clothes and cards or none. I’m so tired of having to keep things locked up. Life shouldn’t be this way. I do have a safe with important papers at my daughters house bc he’d take the safe too. And yes, he’s getting worse. I think he needs a brain scan.

[Rose409]

I have a work trip in 2 days and BOTH my travel bags/purses are gone.

I’m gonna scream.

[once removed]

bottom line: he can feel your frustration and your pulling away.

hes reacting to it in the way he knows how, and thats dysfunctionally.

the more you pull away, the more he ups the ante.

its a catch 22. youre pulling away as a result of what hes doing. hes doing more of it.

above all, people with bpd thrive when there is relationship security. when there isnt (and, at times, even when there is), they act out, and test it.

the solution (if there is one) is not simple. there arent magic words or deeds you can use to change this dynamic. its a much longer term, big picture thing that you have to build, and to nurture, over time. it would take a big investment, a very different approach(es), and a lot of patience.

and thats not to say its always possible. he could be fairly set in his ways, your relationship could be fairly set in its ways, and its ultimately up to you to decide if this sort of thing is a deal breaker for you.

on this trajectory, though, things are likely to get worse.

what do you think?

[Rose409]

Thanks, it makes sense. We are meeting with a marriage counselor tomorrow. Would it help for him to validate that stealing my stuff is harassment? He will not listen to me

[GaGrl]

I think you have to make this a primary focus of the counseling session. Your H's behavior is egregious. How old is your H? Is there a possibility of early onset dementia?

[once removed]

Would it help for him to validate that stealing my stuff is harassment? He will not listen to me

i really dont want to understate the enormous problem he is causing in your relationship.

i do want to say, that if you go into marriage counseling with the attitude that it is for the counselor to fix your husband, it will fail. and it will make matters even worse.

married couples do exactly that all the time in marriage counseling. it tends to be why they go into it in the first place, so that someone will validate them and fix the other person.

as frustrated as you are, as at your wits end as you are, and as significant of his violation of your privacy and your boundaries is, if you want to have a prayer of marriage counseling being a healing experience for your marriage, start your counseling sessions by primarily listening. let your husband vent and blame you (if he chooses). let the counselor validate him a bit, at first (if he chooses).

a good counselor or therapist will be smart and deliberate about this. they will see who the more difficult party is. they will see who the more sensitive party is. theyll build a little bit of trust. if the counselor lays into your husband and sides with you, your husband will likely be done with it all after the first session; most people would be, but a highly sensitive person definitely would be.

certainly, state the marital problems as you see them, when prompted, but dont try to pull the counselor to side with you. stay cool, calm, strategically patient with your eye on the long game, and do a lot of listening. if you want to save your marriage, go into it with the idea of fixing what is broken about your team.

[Rose409]

Thank you. This is our maybe third session with him but H has seen him alone. Let me assure you this is the last one I'm going to. I've written the counselor--who incidentally, I think, sees right through my H--and listed everything...the lies, accusations, threats, intimidation. I knew there would not be time tomorrow to say it all. The last time we went my H talked for half an hour about himself. So in no uncertain terms, he will only get that chance when I am done.

I am desperately seeking an advocate, someone to get it through his head how serious this is and my plan to leave unless he gets help NOW.

He is 65 btw, disabled after many back surgeries, and this week my eyes were opened. I hate to diagnose anyone but this is him. Exactly. I am leaving for a 10-day business trip Thursday and need the counselor to give him a resource to call if he has a meltdown. My three kids will be checking on him and the dogs (he adores them and I'm only worried he'll forget to water/feed them).

I know the counselor can't fix him or this marriage. Does it make sense that I just need a third party involved for help? Maybe I'm not explaining this correctly but I need help. This counselor is actually great. He is no nonsense. I will be telling him about the stealing, the harassing texts and calls when I am away, etc. These are facts, not my opinion.

The saddest thing is...several years ago we bought a lot at the beach to build our dream house on. The community has a pool and I took my daughter and grandson this weekend. I WANT that. I want to stick with the plan, to live out our days there, travel, get involved with the community, exactly how we envisioned it. But that vision was with the gorgeous wonderful man I thought I married 35 years ago ..not this tyrant who is always angry, delusional, and treats me like crap.

If any of you are in the medical field (like I am):you know what a hypertensive crisis is. I saw my PCP last week and my BP was 183/110. This was after my BP pill. She gave me a diuretic and some other meds and said if it's not lower next week I'm being admitted.
So what did H say when I told him? Not a GD thing.

Thank you all so much. I'm so grateful for your non-judgemental support.

[once removed]

I am desperately seeking an advocate, someone to get it through his head how serious this is and my plan to leave unless he gets help NOW.

Does it make sense that I just need a third party involved for help?

completely.

marriage counseling is a very unlikely forum in which to achieve this goal. marriage counseling, in general, is more about fixing the way two people handle conflict.

essentially, it sounds like you are done, and trying to get that across, unless he has a breakthrough and stops this behavior. do i have that right?

if so, that, too, is unlikely, at least any time soon. its how your husband copes, and its at a pretty dysfunctional level. its not unheard of around here by any means, but its in the upper echelon of relationship difficulties, for sure.

as i said, you are, understandably so, reacting to that by pulling away, and hes reacting to that by acting out, testing your attachment. the trajectory there is bleak. its not really anything that marital counseling can get to in 3 sessions or 6.

i dont mean to be bleak, myself, Rose409. seeing this, changing this, is something he really has to see for himself, and want to change, for himself. an advocate is very unlikely to break through. your best bet would almost, at this point, be to deliver the ultimatum and follow through on it. thats fraught with peril - a lot of us, myself included, tried that, in hopes of making our loved ones see the light. if you were to do it, it would have to be something you are very emotionally prepared to follow through with, with low if any expectations, and hope for the best.

[Rose409]

So our counseling appointment was not great.but some good came from it I think. The counselor sees through H and has his number. He's very no nonsense. I told him I was not coming back but H will be seeing him weekly. He asked me what I wanted and didn't want, this after H laid into me with lies and accusations. I said I wanted love, empathy, friendship, understanding, affection...unconditionally. I want the dream we have worked for. What I won't put up with anymore is the smear campaign ("no one believes you anyway"), the lies,  accusations, threats, intimidation, thoughtlessness, harassment, and his general hateful attitude. I said I was willing to work with him if he agrees to do the work but in no way will I ever again accept his behavior, and promised him I WILL LEAVE if it happens again. He said, unbelievably, "okay, what do I have to do?" I think I scared him. So...for now he is going to see the counselor weekly and Tom will decide if he needs a psych. He will read two books I've read so he can see what I see (stop walking on eggshells)  He will listen and catch up with me weekly and not talk about the house. He agreed. It's something.

He promised no harassment and he would NEVER let anything happen to the dogs. So we shall see. I'm wary.