Questions for the road ahead

[Depression = 72% of members]

How do we know? How do we trust? Are the things said to us by our BPD partners just fleeting feelings: temporary silhouettes of yesterday? Are they core feelings, actual truths? Was it a tidal wave, a train wreck?
 When the loving feeling returned I felt whole again: i want to be able to discuss the disorder but the time isn’t here. The feeling of loss my partner is experiencing from the abortion as well as the guilt and sadness is hard to watch but seems necessary for her growth. She chose that path alone, said good bye to me in the parking lot. I comfort her as best I can but wonder if it just leads to further fallout tomorrow. I miss the man I used to be for her, before the split. In truth I was a caretaker though. I though I was being the loving, supportive partner. Buy groceries, make dinner, try to plan trips but the distance and splitting began. The pregnancy and the path that we are going down: I so wish we were still pregnant and I know she does too. She told me and I believe her. But how do we know if we just are getting crocodile tears or true actual love from someone who is struggling to love themselves? And then suicidal ideation thoughts expressed? What do we say to those and when is it time to act? I would be so lost without this chat. I will donate soon: I’m trying to watch finances to get us some help/therapy. She said she would go…will we one day go as we? Can we pick up the pieces, soak yesterday’s door? Recover from the pregnancy/abortion/post procedural complications? Will my family ever trust her or us again? I am sure these and many other questions crossed the minds and hearts of many on here…how did you reconcile, accept, trust, find faith?

[Firsttimefather]

How do we know? How do we trust? Are the things said to us by our BPD partners just fleeting feelings: temporary silhouettes of yesterday? Are they core feelings, actual truths? Was it a tidal wave, a train wreck?
 When the loving feeling returned I felt whole again: i want to be able to discuss the disorder but the time isn’t here. The feeling of loss my partner is experiencing from the abortion as well as the guilt and sadness is hard to watch but seems necessary for her growth. She chose that path alone, said good bye to me in the parking lot. I comfort her as best I can but wonder if it just leads to further fallout tomorrow. I miss the man I used to be for her, before the split. In truth I was a caretaker though. I though I was being the loving, supportive partner. Buy groceries, make dinner, try to plan trips but the distance and splitting began. The pregnancy and the path that we are going down: I so wish we were still pregnant and I know she does too. She told me and I believe her. But how do we know if we just are getting crocodile tears or true actual love from someone who is struggling to love themselves? And then suicidal ideation thoughts expressed? What do we say to those and when is it time to act? I would be so lost without this chat. I will donate soon: I’m trying to watch finances to get us some help/therapy. She said she would go…will we one day go as we? Can we pick up the pieces, soak yesterday’s door? Recover from the pregnancy/abortion/post procedural complications? Will my family ever trust her or us again? I am sure these and many other questions crossed the minds and hearts of many on here…how did you reconcile, accept, trust, find faith?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

How about assuming that everything she says is true…in the moment.

That’s what’s so difficult about loving someone with BPD. When they love you, it’s so intense. Same as when they hate you. Not a lot of middle ground like you’d find in a relationship with an emotionally healthy person.

The question is what do you get out of being a caretaker?

[once removed]

ftf, my sense is theres a lot to unpack here.

there was an abortion. did the two of you disagree on it? is she (are you both) struggling with coping over it?

[Firsttimefather]

Hello Onceremoved,
 Yes there was an abortion and we disagreed on it but afterwards she regrets it too and wants to reconcile and try again. I feel like a second chance is fair and there are agreements such as therapy. We never had a fight, never once…no problems other than the pregnancy happened and coincided with a ‘split’.  Just before it happened (the split) she informed me that anxiety was getting really bad and she was scared and that she was diagnosed with Bpd years ago. I recognized what was happening having had experience with Bpd but the pregnancy/hormones I think made it worse. She became paranoid that I was trying to trap her through pregnancy so gave me an ultimatum:sign over the rights or abortion.,Honestly I wish I could have come up with maybe a better solution. I asked for mediation etc but she declined and said she wanted nothing to do with me. After she went through with the abortion then it turned the other way: regret, worry I hate her…now she is more loving toward me than she ever was. There are some things I am addressing too. One is not overdoing things for her, let her deal with say work lunches, or other responsibilities. I try to live a little more for myself in the day to day, I go to the gym and go camping occasionally. She has returned to sharing my bed and showing a lot more kindness and empathy it seems. The harder part is my family is very against she and I reconciling at this point which I understand but disagree with. My family lives across the country so doesn’t know her but from stories. I have a new friend I met at the gym. He has been married to a woman with Bpd/bipolar and after speaking with him feel even more encouraged to give it another go. I feel like what people don’t know is that I’m giving it another go, I am approaching things differently, seeking supports and more positive networks as well as really improving myself/working on myself more. I believe in another chance, what are some thoughts on this? Thank you so much for your reply