I'm pregnant...how to set boundaries with uBPD mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!

It has been a long while since I have posted. I do not interact much anymore with my uBPD mom, thank god. Life is so much calmer when I don't talk to her, so when I do have to interact with her, I get pretty shaken up. I've actually gotten so much closer to my dad in the time being, which has been really healing. At times infuriating, as he is just so entangled with her. I can only call him while he's at work and always have to ensure that he won't go to her with things I tell him. It's a tricky balance. My blossoming relationship with my dad is likely one of the major reasons why my mom doesn't reach out to me anymore, because I know she has an inkling of how close Dad and I are. I've chosen sides, and she hates that.

Obvious from the subject...I'm pregnant with my first child! My husband and are thrilled, everyone knows now, even my mom. When we told her over a group Zoom call, she was oddly quiet and subdued, I really thought she might love bomb, but I haven't heard much of anything from her since. That's fine by me.

Weeks before the baby news broke out to my family, at the end of June, my sister got married. While with my family in preparation that week, my mom blew up at me and kicked me out of the house. I had to find a hotel at 10:00 at night, and was all alone, as my husband had not yet traveled to my hometown due to work. It was awful. Long story short, the reason she blew up at me was because I called her out for some abusive s*** she was doing to my brother. She didn't know that I was nine weeks pregnant at the time, though she knew that my husband and I were trying to have a baby. During the blow up, she called me a b**** and said that I have no parenting skills, essentially implying that I would be a bad parent. She blamed me for "ruining my sister's wedding", and demanded an apology to her and my sister. My sister even blew up at me, and told me that I was ruining her wedding. To this day, she's still saying how upset she was at me for "starting a whole thing". She won't even blame my mom for her being the one to blow up and cause a huge scene.

Sure, I have never been a parent. I don't really know what it will be like for me. I helped raised my siblings and am now a Social Worker and have done a lot of research about parenting that, essentially is a lot of the opposite of how she raised us. I have a pretty good idea of the kind of parenting that I actually want to do. Supportive. Affirming. Loving. Steadfast. Not controlling or manipulative. My therapist affirms that I have a lot of empathy and demonstrate these traits in my everyday life now with my husband and with my other family members and friends, which she says is a good indicator of the kind of mother I will be. I hope to god that's true. I aspire to be that kind of parent. I think my mom is really hurt that I called her out because she cannot take responsibility for her actions, which were truly harmful to my brother, but that's not what matters to her. What matters is that I made it known that she was abusing my brother, and that it needed to stop. I think she feels bad that a lot of my siblings were around when she said those things to me, and now they all know that I'm pregnant and are all excited and supportive of us. That must make her feel like a real a**hole. But for her I know it's not about how she made me feel, but essentially how all of this made her look bad.

Since then, I did end up sending my mom the ultrasound pictures and videos of the baby moving to be nice, and she made comments to me, "wow, that baby is so active, I bet they're going to be a real pill!". It's funny because one of the RNs who performed an ultrasound for us made comments about how the baby wouldn't get out of the corner of my belly, even after I moved around, went pee, turned on my side. My husband made the comment, "It makes sense because [me] like's to be cozy!" My husband is also just super down to earth, so I can definitely see us having a relatively chill baby (I mean who knows really, at some point they'll be a toddler, so...they won't always be chill). But regardless of how our baby will be, what mom-to-be wants to hear that their baby is going to be a pill? And whose mother tells their daughter that?

I discussed all of this with my therapist, and she advised me that I just stay away from her for the time being, for the betterment of my stress level/health and the health of my baby. I agree. However, I have no idea how this will play out now that a baby is coming in a few months. I have already thought a lot about how I would address her if she says she wants to come for the birth. ABSOLUTELY NOT, it's laughable. I'm coming up with a script for that. I just don't know what I will do in the coming months when holidays come around, and she will want to "make up" and for sure try to justify her actions and her blow up, which I just don't want to even give her the opportunity to do. I kind of want her to sit in her misery, as bad as that sounds. I want her to work out her own s***. I don't want to do any sort of comforting or reassurance. I just want to be done with her. Not necessarily NC, but just minimal. It's just such poor timing with a baby coming. I don't necessarily want to fully keep her out of the baby's life, I just don't know how to create boundaries around this whole thing, since it's all new to me and I really have no idea what she'll do.

Grateful for this community, and anyone who listens. 

[Schmem_25]

Hello!

It has been a long while since I have posted. I do not interact much anymore with my uBPD mom, thank god. Life is so much calmer when I don't talk to her, so when I do have to interact with her, I get pretty shaken up. I've actually gotten so much closer to my dad in the time being, which has been really healing. At times infuriating, as he is just so entangled with her. I can only call him while he's at work and always have to ensure that he won't go to her with things I tell him. It's a tricky balance. My blossoming relationship with my dad is likely one of the major reasons why my mom doesn't reach out to me anymore, because I know she has an inkling of how close Dad and I are. I've chosen sides, and she hates that.

Obvious from the subject...I'm pregnant with my first child! My husband and are thrilled, everyone knows now, even my mom. When we told her over a group Zoom call, she was oddly quiet and subdued, I really thought she might love bomb, but I haven't heard much of anything from her since. That's fine by me.

Weeks before the baby news broke out to my family, at the end of June, my sister got married. While with my family in preparation that week, my mom blew up at me and kicked me out of the house. I had to find a hotel at 10:00 at night, and was all alone, as my husband had not yet traveled to my hometown due to work. It was awful. Long story short, the reason she blew up at me was because I called her out for some abusive s*** she was doing to my brother. She didn't know that I was nine weeks pregnant at the time, though she knew that my husband and I were trying to have a baby. During the blow up, she called me a b**** and said that I have no parenting skills, essentially implying that I would be a bad parent. She blamed me for "ruining my sister's wedding", and demanded an apology to her and my sister. My sister even blew up at me, and told me that I was ruining her wedding. To this day, she's still saying how upset she was at me for "starting a whole thing". She won't even blame my mom for her being the one to blow up and cause a huge scene.

Sure, I have never been a parent. I don't really know what it will be like for me. I helped raised my siblings and am now a Social Worker and have done a lot of research about parenting that, essentially is a lot of the opposite of how she raised us. I have a pretty good idea of the kind of parenting that I actually want to do. Supportive. Affirming. Loving. Steadfast. Not controlling or manipulative. My therapist affirms that I have a lot of empathy and demonstrate these traits in my everyday life now with my husband and with my other family members and friends, which she says is a good indicator of the kind of mother I will be. I hope to god that's true. I aspire to be that kind of parent. I think my mom is really hurt that I called her out because she cannot take responsibility for her actions, which were truly harmful to my brother, but that's not what matters to her. What matters is that I made it known that she was abusing my brother, and that it needed to stop. I think she feels bad that a lot of my siblings were around when she said those things to me, and now they all know that I'm pregnant and are all excited and supportive of us. That must make her feel like a real a**hole. But for her I know it's not about how she made me feel, but essentially how all of this made her look bad.

Since then, I did end up sending my mom the ultrasound pictures and videos of the baby moving to be nice, and she made comments to me, "wow, that baby is so active, I bet they're going to be a real pill!". It's funny because one of the RNs who performed an ultrasound for us made comments about how the baby wouldn't get out of the corner of my belly, even after I moved around, went pee, turned on my side. My husband made the comment, "It makes sense because [me] like's to be cozy!" My husband is also just super down to earth, so I can definitely see us having a relatively chill baby (I mean who knows really, at some point they'll be a toddler, so...they won't always be chill). But regardless of how our baby will be, what mom-to-be wants to hear that their baby is going to be a pill? And whose mother tells their daughter that?

I discussed all of this with my therapist, and she advised me that I just stay away from her for the time being, for the betterment of my stress level/health and the health of my baby. I agree. However, I have no idea how this will play out now that a baby is coming in a few months. I have already thought a lot about how I would address her if she says she wants to come for the birth. ABSOLUTELY NOT, it's laughable. I'm coming up with a script for that. I just don't know what I will do in the coming months when holidays come around, and she will want to "make up" and for sure try to justify her actions and her blow up, which I just don't want to even give her the opportunity to do. I kind of want her to sit in her misery, as bad as that sounds. I want her to work out her own s***. I don't want to do any sort of comforting or reassurance. I just want to be done with her. Not necessarily NC, but just minimal. It's just such poor timing with a baby coming. I don't necessarily want to fully keep her out of the baby's life, I just don't know how to create boundaries around this whole thing, since it's all new to me and I really have no idea what she'll do.

Grateful for this community, and anyone who listens. 

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the baby!


My children are young adults, but when they were born, my parents did want to be involved and at the time, I was not aware of BPD but my interactions with my mother were typical and I was closer to my father. I could not have a separate relationship with him. Anything I said to him was shared with my mother.

My mother's behavior when the kids were little was not a big issue as she knew I would not tolerate otherwise in front of my kids. But she was kind of an observer. I don't know how your mother was with her own kids but my mother didn't really get involved with hands on child care and had others to do it. So she didn't do that with my kids either. I would not leave her alone with my kids at all. She was always with my father and he was hands on- played with them when they were small, read stories, and they bonded with him.

Generally, pwBPD have a poor sense of self, and so the identity of grandmother is appealing to her. She loves to hear news about the children, things I do with them, and then says " I recall doing that with you" but the odd thing is- she didn't. She has taken on this grandma identity though.

It became more concerning as the kids got older and became useful to her and she started to enlist them as emotional caretakers and I had to set limits.

Being a grandmother is an important identity and it gets lots of attention from other grandma friends. In this age group, people show off their cute grandchildren, as expected. So don't be surprised if suddenly your mother comes into the picture wanting to be grandma too. I certainly understand that my mother wants this. The irony comes with that, she doesn't make the connection that a relationship with grandchildren also includes their mother- and that how she behaves towards me might impact that.

You don't have an obligation to include your mother if she's abusive to you, and kicking you out of the house at 10 pm is abusive. Also if she comes around as if nothing happened, you don't have to go along with it either. One challenge is how to include your father and if he's enmeshed with your mother, that will be something to navigate.  

[pursuingJoy]

I had to find a hotel at 10:00 at night, and was all alone, as my husband had not yet traveled to my hometown due to work. It was awful.

Wow. This was so wrong and should not have happened. Big hugs to you.

Since then, I did end up sending my mom the ultrasound pictures and videos of the baby moving to be nice, and she made comments to me, "wow, that baby is so active, I bet they're going to be a real pill!"

I've had 3 babies and people say the worst things. Ugh. This sounds like a poke from your mom.

I want her to work out her own s***.

I agree with the therapist, keep your distance. You don't need the stress. And there's validity to letting her work her own stuff out and come back to baseline on her own.

My MIL has BPD and is also very hands off with grandkids. She wants her son/my husband all day every day, where grandkids are self-absorbed and don't meet her needs. She tries to show interest but in truth, she can't take a lot of time with them, I almost get the impression that they annoy her. Other BPD grandma's mentioned here have exhibited the opposite behavior. They've been very intrusive, to the point where they consider the child their own. Be prepared for any eventualities and come up with game plans with your husband. You know you have our full support, too!

Like Notwendy said, it's worth thinking about the dynamic with your dad. My MIL is a master at getting people to fight her battles for her. We've received multiple phone calls from friends saying, "MIL is so upset, she cries every day, you need to be nicer to her." Your dad may have better boundaries. Would he try to convince you that you need to 'play nice' with her? If so, how are you going to respond?

I might also come up with a general game plan for participation from family and friends. Who gets to see the baby and when? Who can visit you in the hospital? Who can come stay and help you with the baby? Who will be notified, and in what order? Coming up with a general plan can offer you a measure of protection from any pending explosions. Weddings, births, birthdays and holidays are often triggering events for pwBPD. Set boundaries often and early.

I want to second what Notwendy said - you are not obligated to include her if she is abusive.

[GaGrl]

My mother was reared by her uBPD/NPD stepmother, from the age of six. Her stepmother was only 18 when she and my grandad married -- talk about having no parenting skills! My mother endured years of verbal and emotional abuse and a severely limited relationship with her father due to stepmother's jealousy.

My mom created herself as a mother. She was very deliberate as to what she would and would not do as a parent. It helped that my dad saw what would happen and moved us 200 miles away when I was born.

My husband's ex is uBPD/NPD. When my stepdaughter had her baby, the ex essentially took the child over as if she were hers. Every morning -- EVERY morning without fail, and uninvited -- she appeared at the door at 7 AM to "help with the baby." My SD was going crazy. It was not pretty when the inevitable confrontation happened. (I was not in the picture at the time.)

 So...no telling how your mom will react to the baby. Just protect your baby, and you.

[Choosinghope]

First, congratulations! I had to jump on and say something because I'm also expecting my first child and fully understand where you are right now. For a little context, my H and I have chosen to not communicate with my parents about the baby. I'm sure they'll find out, but it won't be from us at this point. I've wrestled with it a lot, and that's the only path I have any peace about. But, I still have a TON anxiety surrounding this baby and my mom. What if she somehow finds out and shows up at our house? What if she love bombs us, or hate bombs us? What if she call CPS with some made-up crap to get back at me? What if my sisters cut me out too because they think I'm terrible for not including my mom and dad? What if I break down and let her back in and something even worse happens? I'm sure some of that feels familiar for you right now.

I've made some big realizations with this pregnancy that I'm going to share. Hopefully something will resound with you. First, you don't owe your mom anything. That's something so ingrained in us by our uBPD moms and by society, but abuse overrides any obligation that might exist. You owe your new child everything as you are bringing them into the world. For me, including my mom back into my life has been an obvious no since it would just perperuate the cycle of abuse. When I'm around her, it's so toxic to me and my marriage, and my child doesn't need that from me as a parent. Not to mention anything my mom might do directly to my child.

Second, keep your priorities straight. I've been navigating some really messy, painful family relationships since the pregnancy, and I keep finding myself backsliding and trying to keep everyone happy and reverting to a more suicidal state. The best way I've found to navigate all the messy and come out sane and healthy is to focus on my priorities: my health and well-being, my marriage, this new baby, and my faith. When I focus on what's important, everything kind of falls into place. I am still anxious about stuff and the family drama hurts, but I can walk away with some peace. At the end of the day, my new family is way more important. If my sisters or aunts or parents don't like how I've done something and choose to cut me out, it's a relationship I can probably be ok losing.

Last, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. To my first point, you don't owe your mom anything. If your mom wants tl be at the hospital, that doesn't mean it has to happen. Again, I'm starting to believe that abuse overrides so much of family connection and normal functioning. If she wants to get pictures to show off to her friends, it doesn't mean it has to happen. If you feel like you are comfortable with something, great! If not, it's fine to say no.

The biggest area I've been working on to help with the anxiety of the future is to remind myself that I am an adult, I can take care of myself, and reminding my scared child self that I am going to protect her. Another point that has helped with the guilt around this whole situation is something my pastor told me. He said that a good test of whether you should feel guilt over something if your motivation. My heart is hurting so much over this, and he said it's clear that I am taking no joy in keeping my parents out and potentially hurting them. Because I am doing something out of conviction and not out of spite or anger, then there's no place for guilt in that decision. Essentially, there will never be a point where I can keep my mom happy and look back and be content with my job as a parent. As a married adult with an upcoming child, what needs to win out is pretty clear.

I realize this turned out long, but I think writing this all out did me a world of good. I apologize for hijacking your post, though I'm hoping something I wrote is helpful in some way. 

[Notwendy]

I did not call my parents when I went into labor. I did not want them to be waiting at the hospital. I did let them know about the baby after the birth ( as I was not NC with them). I was worried it would be stressful for me if they were at the hospital waiting.

The birth is a very personal event and you should have who you want there- and only who you want.

[beatricex]

hi Schmem_25,
Welcome and so happy for you that you're on this exciting journey of bringing a life into this world.  Your thoughful insight and analysis of how you will not be the Mom your Mom was is proof that this is not going to be a situation you can't handle.  Agree with your therapist.

rooting for you, you got this girl

b

p.s. I actually decided to not have children because of my BPD mom (at least in my 20's) so I totally get your anxiety over this.  "Grandparents have rights" was like a tape playing in my head back then, and I just couldn't navigate the logistics of it.  When virtually no one else gets it, what do you say to people who think and say "But, it's your mother."  note back then, there were no boards or support groups like this one