Help A first My uBPD wife wanted to inform our 10yo son about divorce

[olafinski]

 
We are on a vacation, end of week 3 out of 4.
Its been rough, episodes of anger every 2-3 days.
She has “packed my bags” from day one for the last 13 years but this is the first time she wanted ME to tell to
our son that we are getting a divorce.
I am not sure if this is now an episode or the real deal.
When she is OK she always tells that we have a good marriage etc.
I talked to our son and prepared him.
The worst thing is that I am afraid to leave him to live with her without me being there when she is “evil”.
Any thoughts and advices would be a great help…
Love to all

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[olafinski]

UPDATE:
After some 5-6 hours it seems as if nothing happened at all!

Incredible.

My son said “Dad seems we survived the A bomb, no, the H bomb attack!”

[Anonymousme]

I am so sorry. I find it unimaginable the things that my husband can say and do, and that it seems almost like he wasn't there for it. I have scrambled eggs for a brain at this point. I hope you and your son (and your wife) are all getting the support you need.

In my case, I am so scared of these behaviours being modelled for any eventual children, though otherwise I know my husband would be an amazing father.

A big hug to you all.

[EZEarache]

There is a thread floating around on this board about how dysregulations tend to occur without fail while on vacation. So, I'm sure you're dealing with this right now to a certain extent. It's an excellent read and maybe it will help you get through the rest of the trip.

Actually here it is:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285200.0

I'm really sorry you had to deal with this what a crappy way to spend your vacation. I think I've been the most heartbroken, about the fact that our baby will never have a nuclear family, like I did growing up, due to our breakup from 6 months ago. However, when I read posts like this one, I feel like it is really a blessing that my son will never really have a memory of an intact family. Looking forward to taking him on trips with just the two of us. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[olafinski]

UPDATE:
After the divorce play incident we are now having incredible two days, best in probably a couple of years. We were even intimate after quite long and my wife is that incredible person I married…

I think I will try to understand her condition as what it is, a misfortunate illness where she needs me to be there for her as she is with me with my diabetes through all these years.
No one is perfect.

[GaGrl]

Most persons with a personality disorder "feel better" after they have discharged built-in negative energy, and this looks different for different people. Rages are common ways to discharge that energy.

Unfortunately, discharging rage affects those around the disordered person in a negative emotional and psychological way -- unlike diabetes. You are still in the situation of being your family emotional leader and protecting your children's health and well-being.

[once removed]

im glad things are better!

breakup/divorce threats can be pretty destabilizing for a relationship. is this the first time?

[kells76]

olafinski, this stood out to me:

this is the first time she wanted ME to tell to our son that we are getting a divorce.

So...

who "wanted" the divorce? you? her?

if she "wanted" it, what are your thoughts on her demanding that you tell S10 about what she "wanted"?

or, even, if you both "wanted" it, but she was the one "wanting it to be communicated", not you...?

how does that communication structure strike you?

[olafinski]

Kells76,
off course it was awful. I never wanted to divorce her, I feel a strong bond and also a great deal of responsibility for her because, as I explained here and in other posts, she really helped me a lot and made me a man I am now. Also, although it was quite risky for her (she had cervical surgery) and in spite of already having a child of her own, she wanted to have a child
with me and that little boy changed me for ever and made me know what love really is. I will forever be grateful for that will endure everything I need to.

But the thing is that in times when she is “off” she feels that I am the one responsible for all her problems and that she will miracleously solve all her real issues by divorcing me. And at the same time she is aware that our son would hate her for the rest of her life if he thought she is the one that wanted a divorce (which he is aware of because he heard it a hundred times).
So in that theatre of hers she wanted ME to disclose that to him by saying that we both agreed on that.

The good thing is that before all of that I managed to establish an understanding with our son that mummy “has a different brain” and that sometimes she is not herself and that we just need for it to pass which lasts for a couple
of hours.