It's time to plan an exit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not to sound heartless, but the fact is that the person you're so concerned about... is another adult.  Adults are expected, more or less, to be responsible for themselves.

While it is good to be concerned about others, a balanced perspective is your concern should not be to the extent that you yourself are negatively impacted or minor children you care for are negatively impacted.

Your natural predispostion is to help.  We understand.  That's how many of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals ended up here.  Being helpful and concerned are good qualities.  But in our scenarios with pwBPD that has high risk of leading to self-sabotage.
Fable: frog and the scorpion

[ForeverDad]

Not to sound heartless, but the fact is that the person you're so concerned about... is another adult.  Adults are expected, more or less, to be responsible for themselves.

While it is good to be concerned about others, a balanced perspective is your concern should not be to the extent that you yourself are negatively impacted or minor children you care for are negatively impacted.

Your natural predispostion is to help.  We understand.  That's how many of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals ended up here.  Being helpful and concerned are good qualities.  But in our scenarios with pwBPD that has high risk of leading to self-sabotage.
Fable: frog and the scorpion

[sterlingblue]

LovelyRita50: Thank you for your post. It is just what I needed to hear tonight. Take care.

sterlingblue

[Guts42]

I've been advised to fill out the paperwork for a Protective Order as well as draft an affidavit.  We're going to wait until I've been contacted by CPS so I can include in the Protective Order paperwork that there's an active case against her.

Has anyone ever filled one of those out?  Any advice?  My case manager said she and the staff paralegal will make sure it's filled out correctly and submit it to the DA on my behalf.

BTW, fog lifted.  I'm astounded how quickly she reminds me that what I'm doing is the right thing...

We had yet another two hour bash session but this one ended quickly.  I've noticed a pattern.  She only eases up when she thinks I'm emotionally on the ropes and act defeated and quiet.  As long as I'm calm and neutral she keeps driving.  Any attempts to walk away trigger an explosive reaction and to keep her from waking/involving the kids I get dragged into another two to three hour lecture.  Most disturbingly, it's the same way with the kids.  She actually said, in front of them, "if you're not crying you don't understand what you've done!  I have to push them and get a big reaction [like running away crying] or it's clear they don't get it!  It's not fair that you don't push them that hard because then I'm the bad guy!"

[kells76]

Has anyone ever filled one of those out?  Any advice?

Haven't filled out PO paperwork; still a few thoughts...

Is it a temporary PO?

Remind yourself not to be "too nice" or "pull your punches" to save face for your W or "because of how she'll feel" if you say something. Not that I'm advising you to be a petty jerk about it. More like, take this opportunity to be straightforward and honest about what has happened. It's not the time to think "well I can probably leave out the worst stuff, that'd be bad for her". Your kids want honesty, and need protection.

Am I following you, that you are the one to fill out the PO paperwork and write the affidavit, and then your case manager (is this a CPS case manager?) and the paralegal just double check it before submitting?

Can you connect with the paralegal before/as you're filling it out -- perhaps that is a lower cost way to get questions answered quickly?

Stay strong, nice to hear from you again today;

kells76

[Guts42]

Is it a temporary PO?

In my state it's up to 2 years which should give me enough time to file for divorce and finalize custody.  I have the means to fly her out to stay with her Mom (... credit with the airline from my canceled trip.  Is that karma?)
 
I'm thinking a contingency on her having much to do with the kids in the future would be going to an in-patient facility and actively participating.  The last time she was in one of those she was rude, dismissive and eventually just released because she was at an intersection of non-cooperative and low(ish) risk.  I was also advocating for her release (major FOG).  I didn't understand what was really happening at the time.

Am I following you, that you are the one to fill out the PO paperwork and write the affidavit, and then your case manager (is this a CPS case manager?) and the paralegal just double check it before submitting?

Can you connect with the paralegal before/as you're filling it out -- perhaps that is a lower cost way to get questions answered quickly?

I am very fortunate that while the shelter/outreach place cannot offer me full legal representation they can offer all the advice they have time for.  They have a staff paralegal who will be working along side my case manager (not CPS, also from the outreach/shelter).

CPS should be reaching out early next week.  It's likely going to be the same agent I worked with earlier or at least someone on her team.

Remind yourself not to be "too nice" or "pull your punches"...

Definitely.  It's tough.  She's acting almost normal (typical cycle - she feels like she broke me the night after my cpap study).
Really it's a matter of sorting out all of my notes and deciding what to include in the report.  I feel the examples of abuse against me are hard to substantiate in writing (but I do have LOTS of recordings).  However, the stuff against the kids is blatantly obvious.  I think their old therapist is willing to testify (or at least provide a certified statement of some kind).

Stay strong, nice to hear from you again today;

Thank you