Bumped into the ex yesterday

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It’s about six weeks since he discarded me over messenger, seemingly for no reason at all. He’s been utterly furious with me and has started a smear campaign to justify his discard, but really it came out of nowhere.

We live about 8 miles from each other so it was inevitable that this was going to happen sooner rather than later (and is likely to happen again). I went to the supermarket and there he was at the next checkout. He’d clearly already seen me and had a face like thunder.

I called out a friendly hello as he walked past me, because I would do that to anyone I know, not to start a conversation but just to be civil. But he just muttered dismissively in my direction, still with a face like thunder and left as quickly as he could. He looked uncomfortable and awkward, wouldn’t even look at me.

I don’t get why *he’s* angry with *me*. He abruptly turned on me six weeks ago, gave me a whole load of verbal abuse about how awful I apparently am then cut me off. He got his family members to cut me off too, and then started telling people lies about me.

He had so much to say over messenger and to other people. If he’s that furious with me, why not have the courage to talk to me in person rather than look all awkward and uncomfortable and scuttle off? It’s absurd. I don’t get it.

[Suspicious1]

It’s about six weeks since he discarded me over messenger, seemingly for no reason at all. He’s been utterly furious with me and has started a smear campaign to justify his discard, but really it came out of nowhere.

We live about 8 miles from each other so it was inevitable that this was going to happen sooner rather than later (and is likely to happen again). I went to the supermarket and there he was at the next checkout. He’d clearly already seen me and had a face like thunder.

I called out a friendly hello as he walked past me, because I would do that to anyone I know, not to start a conversation but just to be civil. But he just muttered dismissively in my direction, still with a face like thunder and left as quickly as he could. He looked uncomfortable and awkward, wouldn’t even look at me.

I don’t get why *he’s* angry with *me*. He abruptly turned on me six weeks ago, gave me a whole load of verbal abuse about how awful I apparently am then cut me off. He got his family members to cut me off too, and then started telling people lies about me.

He had so much to say over messenger and to other people. If he’s that furious with me, why not have the courage to talk to me in person rather than look all awkward and uncomfortable and scuttle off? It’s absurd. I don’t get it.

[Scarredheart]

It’s about six weeks since he discarded me over messenger, seemingly for no reason at all. He’s been utterly furious with me and has started a smear campaign to justify his discard, but really it came out of nowhere.

We live about 8 miles from each other so it was inevitable that this was going to happen sooner rather than later (and is likely to happen again). I went to the supermarket and there he was at the next checkout. He’d clearly already seen me and had a face like thunder.

I called out a friendly hello as he walked past me, because I would do that to anyone I know, not to start a conversation but just to be civil. But he just muttered dismissively in my direction, still with a face like thunder and left as quickly as he could. He looked uncomfortable and awkward, wouldn’t even look at me.

I don’t get why *he’s* angry with *me*. He abruptly turned on me six weeks ago, gave me a whole load of verbal abuse about how awful I apparently am then cut me off. He got his family members to cut me off too, and then started telling people lies about me.

He had so much to say over messenger and to other people. If he’s that furious with me, why not have the courage to talk to me in person rather than look all awkward and uncomfortable and scuttle off? It’s absurd. I don’t get it.

If your ex is anything like mine, they seem to change history as they go. My ex used to tell me that she would forget entire parts of her past, but in a way that I thought, until recently that she was being romantic. "I can't remember my life before you, and that's the way I like it." It wasn't until recently that she came out and said that she can't remember specific things and that it bothered her.  (When she admitted to this, her response to the missing memory would be different depending on if it touched on us or not. She'd react with concern if it was something like "My niece told me I used to do this when I babysat her. I don't remember doing any of that." If it was regarding us, it would always be "I don't remember that.", but it never changed how she felt about the situation. It was like the lack of memory was irrelevant if it involved us.) I've seen many times where I know what she remembered about a situation is completely fabricated yet she is insistent that it's factual and historical. From what I've read it seems to happen with some people with BPD. They forget something and instead of acknowledging it, they will fill in the gap with whatever they feel would have happened. In some cases my ex would change the entire substance of a situation, painting me as a villain. Nothing I could say, including producing texts and/or emails proving something different would convince her that she was mistaken.

[Scarredheart]

Maybe this’ll help explain too https://youtu.be/21DxJ9jMnvU

[Goosey]

Thanks for link scarredheart, brutally honest info.

[Scarredheart]

Thanks for link scarredheart, brutally honest info.

It is brutally honest, but I think sometimes we need it that way. It's too easy to rationalize my relationship with my ex sometimes. It's good to have a splash of cold water.

[arjay]

I don’t get why *he’s* angry with *me*. He abruptly turned on me six weeks ago, gave me a whole load of verbal abuse about how awful I apparently am then cut me off. He got his family members to cut me off too, and then started telling people lies about me.

Yes and a pattern.  I experienced the same too many times to count.  I realized over time (long after the xBPDW had left), that it was her "internal toxicity/pain" from years of her childhood abuse and experiences that "had to be released".  The closer we were, the worse it was. "Somebody" was going to be the recipient of this.  During the time I was her  "husband", that release was directed at me. Realize that it is not you; you are simply the available "target"

[Suspicious1]

Maybe this’ll help explain too https://youtu.be/21DxJ9jMnvU

That link is brilliant, thank you. The close similarities between BPD and DID are especially interesting as I’d long identified two distinct different personalities. The perception of time is really relatable as well. There are a lot of things to think about there, thank you

[Scarredheart]

That link is brilliant, thank you. The close similarities between BPD and DID are especially interesting as I’d long identified two distinct different personalities. The perception of time is really relatable as well. There are a lot of things to think about there, thank you

Glad it was useful to you.

[ILMBPDC]

It wasn't until recently that she came out and said that she can't remember specific things and that it bothered her.  (When she admitted to this, her response to the missing memory would be different depending on if it touched on us or not. She'd react with concern if it was something like "My niece told me I used to do this when I babysat her. I don't remember doing any of that." If it was regarding us, it would always be "I don't remember that.", but it never changed how she felt about the situation.

Holy cow. It never occurred to me that my ex's forgetting stuff was due to BPD. He had a TBI 13 years ago and I always assumes that it was from that. I'm kinda shook right now.

The very first gift I gave him was some loose leaf tea and a diffuser - nothing expensive or major but I thought it was thoughtful and sweet. A couple months later I asked him if he ever tried the tea I bought him and he had this blank look on his face like he had zero clue what I was referring to. I even described the diffuser and that it was the first gift I got him (and honestly I only got him that and a birthday gift so its not like there were a ton to remember). He literally had no idea - I suspected he threw it out when he moved and I was hurt but brushed it off thinking it had to be related to his brain injury. I know it was a tiny thing but I feel like most "normal" people would have at least remembered the gesture.
God there were so many red flags I ignored

[Scarredheart]

Holy cow. It never occurred to me that my ex's forgetting stuff was due to BPD. He had a TBI 13 years ago and I always assumes that it was from that. I'm kinda shook right now.

The very first gift I gave him was some loose leaf tea and a diffuser - nothing expensive or major but I thought it was thoughtful and sweet. A couple months later I asked him if he ever tried the tea I bought him and he had this blank look on his face like he had zero clue what I was referring to. I even described the diffuser and that it was the first gift I got him (and honestly I only got him that and a birthday gift so its not like there were a ton to remember). He literally had no idea - I suspected he threw it out when he moved and I was hurt but brushed it off thinking it had to be related to his brain injury. I know it was a tiny thing but I feel like most "normal" people would have at least remembered the gesture.
God there were so many red flags I ignored

I know. I didn't understand her memory issues until near the end and it just made the whole thing so much more tragic to me. I kept thinking how some day the only thing she will say about me is what she used to say to me about her exes. I'll be another abuser that she survived and part of her will actually believe it because she won't remember different.

In a way, I'm a little jealous. I'd love to forget many things about our relationship. It's crazy to think that she will move on and forget me and I have to remember everything and try to move on nonetheless.