Are bpd (quiet) able to control themselves against the SO?

[VeronicaL]

I believe that my SO has either bpd or ROCD/Anxiety. They have all of the 'good traits' of someone with bpd. Maybe they're mild. They have the fear of abandonment issues ( I beleive he hides it), fear of vulnerability, perhaps anxious/worries about illnesses, etc and has always been extremely private, to the point of not sharing stupid things for no other reason than that is how they are. It is not going out of the way to hide it it but. However, he is very honest.  If they feel uncomfortable to answer something they will deflect it or answer everything but. On the exterior he is gentle I have not seen them really angry or vengeful. Has always been happy almost a people pleaser, with me anyway.

Anyway, we were getting super close, and literally out of the blue, they broke up with me suddenly when we are super close,  really in love, etc even 2 hours before. He even said the 'problem' (I am assuming thought or feeling) just happened and came and they were surprised.
He seemed genuinely distraught, can't do the relationship with this 'problem' he has, it is destroyed us his words. He won't me what his problem is.   They have repeatedly said that being in what we have is not fair to me, won't be good for our relationship and they have been trying to do it but he can't bc it has them and  won't do it to me because of how important I am. They are very loving to me, and we talk all the time. Even see each other. But they have  this clear line of friend that they are keeping even though they have told me they do not want this it has to be this way.  Doesn't know this 'problem' will go away. They make it clear almost daily that they love me and none of this would be like this, it is the problem or we would be together. It is sad.

So I am just wondering, is this ever mild bpd or quiet?  I don't know what problem it is, but he definitely feels there is one that has destroyed us and together will destroy me? Do they ever really protect the SO from what is coming or what they know they are capable of?

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[arjay]

Anyway, we were getting super close, and literally out of the blue, they broke up with me suddenly when we are super close

If I understand correctly, you experienced a "break up" just when you seemed to be getting "real close"?  Early on in my relationship with my BPDxW, she once said to me, "do you think we should each have our own homes as a safety net"?  This came from nowhere and minutes after we had made love.  Looking back it is clear she realized that her inner demons would surface.  She clearly knew.  I was totally puzzled and completely ignorant of BPD.  It took me looking back (after the divorce), that she knew her tendencies and internal struggles.  I was simply looking at things from a rational perspective.  Her thinking was often totally the opposite. Closeness and "fear of abandonment" go hand-in-hand. It sounds like that is what is going on with you.

[VeronicaL]

Yes, but the weird thing is we were always getting close. This was just another one of those days. I know the person loves and really loves me now but I just feel like they know either they are brewing inside, or doesn't want me to see something or having some urges that will be unhealthy for us. I don't know.  But I keep feeling it is related to this bpd but the only thing that doesn't match is the behavior like 'supply' or being vindictive. They definitely have made the choice to remove me.   But nothing else is going on w them Work and home. That is it. and we talk and do see each other. They make their life and schedule very available to me. They want me in their life and has said that so I don't know what can be so bad.
Tells me I will probably be the closest person ever to them. Just can't be in a romantic relationship with this 'problem'. Cant be the person they need to be (for me) and do this romantic relationship with this problem in the way.
Well to me, how can you be friends then. I am trying to figure this out. It is hard to move on. But they feel they will not get better.  I have asked for the problem but they won't admit what it is.

I don't know whether they felt they needed to be perfect for me or what. Even making comments recently I deserve so much more than (them). It really came out of the blue. Like a shock. And it does hurt because even today said love is not the problem with us we would be together the problem has ruined it all.
They have never stated or even acted like fear of abandonment. But I am sure it is there. (hidden God forbid). The vulnerability yes. They are very close to me but trust me they are really afraid of that. Very hard time to say how they are feeling about things. "Good" for everything. In some ways I feel in love with a shell of waht the person really is.

So..what behaviors surfaced later?  Did they escalate? Did she become worse for real?

[arjay]

I know the person loves and really loves me now but I just feel like they know either they are brewing inside, or doesn't want me to see something or having some urges that will be unhealthy for us.

Well I don't really know that the person you describe is suffering from BPD.  Having said that, there are only two basic reasons for wanting to end what seems to be a progressing relationship;

• They don't want to settle down for whatever reason
• They are struggling internally with something (drugs/sexual identity/involved in another relationship/emotional disorder/etc) and it caused problems in past relationships or they are afraid it will

Hard to know what is going in your case and as a reminder, I am no psychologist.  I do know what I experienced in a marriage to borderline woman.  Yes it became much worse.  Had I really paid attention in the beginning, I would have never gone down that path.

[VeronicaL]

Yes, I get you. I know it is not the first option. I feel it is the second. It's definitely not someone else. I have asked him many things, not the sexual curiousity/identity.  I discounted nothing.  But the other possibilities have crossed my mind. Coupled with Rocd/Bpd I am not sure. It is one of the only things I found that links bpd with the issues...but then there is ROCD.  I think there may be some anxiety/depression. But the comments he made and some things he said and the progression of us (I could do no wrong at least he made it seem that way) and some other things brings me back here...Except I don't have the splitting clearly here.

Though--now I wonder about manipulation deliberate or not..for wanting me around.  I am havibg a very hard time to move on. Not knowing is actually killing me.

I'm not a psychologist either, but yes in the start he did tell me about vulnerablity issues and I know he did his best with me what he could.  
Maybe I am just the type that you fight for what you love--And tho he did, I guess I would have fought harder. I don't have that problem so I can't imagine breaking up over it. I can't imagine being close with someone and not feeling open to share...because how do you really get close to them them, unless you are vulnerable.  I think he realized how he feels bc he is telling me always, and it is a flight or compulsive response to his feelings.

[arjay]

Though--now I wonder about manipulation deliberate or not..for wanting me around.  I am having a very hard time to move on. Not knowing is actually killing me.

I can't imagine being close with someone and not feeling open to share...because how do you really get close to them them, unless you are vulnerable.  I think he realized how he feels bc he is telling me always, and it is a flight or compulsive response to his feelings.

I think you answered your question.  This person cannot get close, whether it evokes worry of abandonment, you finding out more and being disappointed, etc.

As rational people, we look for rational reasons.  Sometimes the reason is completely irrational.  Some things cannot be fixed either and it is not our job to "fix our partner", something I tried doing in the past with my BPDxW.  My suggestion is to accept what this person told you (they are not good for you) and believe them.  A deep relationship includes deep emotional intimacy.  This person cannot do that.  The "why they can't" you may never know, and frankly it will only result in more questions from you again (i.e. "but I can help you, why don't you want to try?"; "why don't you get help?"; "why are doing this to me?"; etc.)

[arjay]

Though--now I wonder about manipulation deliberate or not..for wanting me around.  I am havibg a very hard time to move on. Not knowing is actually killing me.

P.S. My BPDxW divorced me and left.  She knew she was "not good for me".  I struggled to accept that and it took me 5-years of hell, counseling, posting here and finally "moving on", to realize she was right.  She was not good for me and that was the answer I struggled to hear, just as you are doing. It appears your x-partner is trying to save you from a lot of grief.  See that as a blessing

[VeronicaL]

Thanks for the perspective. Those are great reminders

And I am sorry for your case, but it seems that despite suffering you got the blessing too eventually.
In my case I wasn't planning to fix. At all.

I just thought it was fair to know and let it be my choice to be in it or deal with it. And you are right I need a rational reason. it is driving me crazy bc none of this is. I just wish if people saw their own problem, loving another is enough motivation to try to fix it. He does say he is really trying to fix it, but I guess without me. And what hurts is anything they learn the next person will get the benefit. Not that you want them to suffer either, but almost feels what did I just do for the past 1.5 years.

[arjay]

Thanks for the perspective. Those are great reminders
He does say he is really trying to fix it, but I guess without me.

A line from a book I read during my healing process: "Relationships are about two emotionally-complete people coming together to share". Nothing we can do, can fix a "hole" in somebody else; we need to fix ourselves first. It sounds like that is what he is trying to do. 

Lamenting that "somebody else will benefit", is something I originally lamented over too.  Reality however is that emotional healing is often a very long drawn out process.  Just being in a relationship with a BPD person took me 2 years to recover and I was generally an emotionally healthy person before we met.  An individual suffering with BPD struggles with it throughout their lifetime, as is the case in overcoming addictions and other emotional issues. This is not like "fixing a flat tire" or "getting a haircut".   That is why lamenting over "somebody else benefiting",  is really not helpful to us moving on either.

You will be questioning things for awhile. It is a process.

Peace to you

[VeronicaL]

Thanks. You have probably posted the most helpful of what I have been reading everywhere..meaning it hit home.
I know it is long process..he knows that even more and he is really sad about it.
If I wasn't in it myself, I would just think something else or what a creep. But it took me a month to figure out something big is going on inside of him and it wasn't so simple.  
He described it like something/problem just happened (thought, feeling, etc ?) suddenly and he's been trying to deal with it for a little bit (without me knowing).

Compounded by him not wanting to admit his downfalls or imperfections we all have. I had to research things like crazy to process it. He said the problem is still there.

I know the thing about someone else benefit is immature, but I can't help it ... It is sad for everyone.
When he was first trying to tell me he had to do this, he alluded to 'right time' and begged me to believe him that it is not the typical excuse you see people say. It really is the truth for him. So I think you are right that he knows the time, of us, he can't get it better right now.

But at the same time, we are young, and no rush. I would have stayed in this. But maybe he is worried I will leave anyway. 
I am patient w him opening up, and he has he just takes longer. So I don't get his rushing to deal with this problem unless he is just having negative/fear thoughts.

I assume the issue will always come up in each relationship, which he said he doesn't even want any after this (when I mentioned the benefit of a new one). I am sad bc he is really great and I do love him alot.
Thank you!