Help maintaining relationship with BPD sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello.
     My mother had BPD and now I have come to believe that my sister does too.  We are both in our late 50s. We were extremely close (survival) until my mother died 8 years ago when my sister's symptoms became clear as day. My son brought it to my attention.  She's like a Stepford Barbie. Plastic and surface the majority of the time. She wants only light conversation. Nothing that requires the use of her brain.  Phone conversations are few and she goes through topics as if she has a list in hand. salting it with backhanded compliments moving directly from one to the next of my hobbies until sufficient time has been spent and she finds a need to get off the phone.
     I only have one sister, and no parent or grandparent.  Every text conversation or phone conversation leads me to disappointment and grief.  I want to maintain some connection, but there is no chance that we will be able to repair the damage, I see that.  I need ideas about how to continue a relationship without leaving myself vulnerable to so much heartache!  I have a good relationship with her two young 20-something boys, but she finds that a threat, so I no longer mention it when we connect. I tried connecting mostly via lighthearted letter, but she doesn't write back much. 
     Can you help me?

[lexialpha]

Hello.
     My mother had BPD and now I have come to believe that my sister does too.  We are both in our late 50s. We were extremely close (survival) until my mother died 8 years ago when my sister's symptoms became clear as day. My son brought it to my attention.  She's like a Stepford Barbie. Plastic and surface the majority of the time. She wants only light conversation. Nothing that requires the use of her brain.  Phone conversations are few and she goes through topics as if she has a list in hand. salting it with backhanded compliments moving directly from one to the next of my hobbies until sufficient time has been spent and she finds a need to get off the phone.
     I only have one sister, and no parent or grandparent.  Every text conversation or phone conversation leads me to disappointment and grief.  I want to maintain some connection, but there is no chance that we will be able to repair the damage, I see that.  I need ideas about how to continue a relationship without leaving myself vulnerable to so much heartache!  I have a good relationship with her two young 20-something boys, but she finds that a threat, so I no longer mention it when we connect. I tried connecting mostly via lighthearted letter, but she doesn't write back much. 
     Can you help me?

[Methuen]

Hey Lexialpha
 

I only have one sister, and no parent or grandparent.

I can relate, although my situation is a wee bit different as I have a BPD mom, but no sibling or grandparent.  It can be lonely.

It sounds like your mother's passing triggered your sister's feeling of being abandoned.  Does this fit?  In my case, it was my dad's passing (15 years ago) that brought all the symptoms roaring to a head (and they've stayed). She's quite child-like.

In my experience with my mom, superficial conversation and superficial attachments results in the most stability.  She is 85 with complex health problems and living independently.  The more helpful I am and the more open and conversational I am, and the more time I spend with her, the more abusive she is.  There's a lot of reasons for that which I can think of, but I have learned the hard way that this is truly one of the times that "less is more".  I'm still helpful and do a lot for her, but it's neutral things like buying groceries and helping her with her computer problems.  I have a few rules for myself: 1) keep the conversation positive, and if she can't, then I find an excuse to leave. 2) Never offer advice  3) when she asks for advice - answer with a question (eg what do you think?) 4) Keep visits relatively brief 5) talk about neutral and superficial topics (avoid topics she finds threatening) 6) don't share any personal information 7) It is what it is - so accept it and grieve, and then work towards recovery.

It sounds like you still want a relationship with her (like I do with my mother).  Can you think of what "worked" in your relationship before your mother died?  What did she bring to the relationship that worked for you, and what did you bring to the relationship that worked for her?  Or, is it possible that what united you was your mother (survival)? 

[beatricex]

hi lexialpha,
Great questions!

I wanted relationships with my disordered FOO for a long time.  I have very very slowly over many years, therapy and heartache come to the realization that in order to preserve my sanity and to have happiness and joy in my life, I need to let go of the idea that those relationships are going to miraculously materialize.

My specifics are different than yours, I don't have "just one sister" left.  I actually have a huge family.  However, in my case, there is no having a relationship with a BPD or any of their enablers without sacrificing a small or big part of who I am.  I am not willing to do that anymore.  It is just too damaging.

Coming to this realization, I am finding real happiness.  I know I tried for many many years, to have "normal" relationships with my FOO, so I have a clear conscious and can walk away with my dignity knowing I have exhausted all those options.

Good luck, and sorry if this was not the response you were looking for.  If there was a magic bullet, that we could shoot at our BPD to make them normal for us, I'm sure we would all pull that trigger in a second. 

I think this site tries to present the option of us or our BPD getting DBT or some other therapy, but if that worked, there wouldn't be so many of us still here venting about our BPDs.  just sayin

I had a therapist tell me that "one day your sisters might mature."  Ha.  To let it go for now and let them come back to me.  Ha, 25 years later, I'm still waiting for that maturity.  There is a saying and I think it's true of BPD's and their flying monkeys "immaturity is forever."

b

[lexialpha]

Beatricex,
     I agree that to wish for a "normal" relationship with my sister is wishing for something that will never happen.  I've already made the move to emotionally distance, and have not had REcent therapy, but enough over the years to have gotten this far.
     I was hoping for something more than plastic, but perhaps that is all that she can give...besides the negative stuff.  We had been SO close!  I just need time to grieve, I suppose, and accept plastic.
     My son got several books to help me work through this.  "How to Stop Being a Caretaker"  I think is the one that I was reading yesterday.  I might have the title wrong.  It was clear as day! OMG! I could easily see how I had taken that role with my mother, but wasn't really accepting that I am also in that role with my sister...AFTER my mother died! Ugh.
     I don't think that I can spend any time with her in person unless it is absolutely necessary.  Time on the phone is still rough since she needs to get her digs in and she fits me in when waiting for doctor's appointments, etc.  Texting can work, but only to a certain extent.  She will make a comment and abandon the conversation.

[Oh Brother]

She will make a comment and abandon the conversation.

Classic!  The pwBPD always has to have the last word.  If you retort, they will escalate - and also broaden the scope of argument.

[lexialpha]

     IKR! With every text communication, she needs to have the last word! She says that she has to go...I say "later"...and then she needs to say something else.  Like, the conversation is closed. No need to respond.
     And she just doesn't use her brain anymore. Sigh. Venting. She texted that she was sending a birthday box my way, a couple of weeks early since they were headed out of town. My son's first thought was that she stuffed a box with items from CVS...that DID happen one Christmas...scented markers, nostalgic candy, etc.   The box arrived and I was reluctant to open it, frankly.  Nothing good could come from what was in the box. I knew it already. But, I opened it.  Inside were several boxes of letter sealing wax, an electric melting gun, a stamp to press the wax, and a bag of used postage stamps.
     Okay.  I should just be grateful and move along, right?  I collect used stamps, so, that was nice, but she got me stamps for my birthday last year, and had said that I have enough to sort through at the moment, so I'm not planning to add more, just organize what I have, which will easily keep me through the winter.  I said that. I think that she responded, so she heard me.
     Okay. regarding the sealing wax, melting gun and stamp, I have been sharing with her that I have about a dozen pen pals since spring.  Some are from a fountain pen group, some from 18 th century historical reenactors, some from a Jane Austen fan group.  I also shared that I was taking a class in 18th century garden design. I shared that I was researching the members of our VA family from the 18th century.  I mailed her a letter in Jane Austen style, folded appropriately with flexible sealing wax and raved about my rosemary wax stamp that I had searched for to add my personal style to my 18th century letter writing, and incorporate my love of gardening.
     So, if I searched for just the right wax stamp, why is she sending me another...and it even looks much like a rosemary sprig. Sending me sealing wax is lovely, but I don't use wax that would require an electric gadget!  And if I required a gadget to melt my wax, wouldn't I already have one?  Returning the items is fine, but there isn't anything on the site that I would want.  I suppose that I could spend the whole 100 dollars on envelopes?  And what is she missing about my interest in the historical aspect?
     I know that she is just checking the box.  Need a gift. Send hobby items. We were so close!  She knows me so well! How could she miss so much? 

[Oh Brother]

Hi Lexialpha,

I had a birthday gift from my sister once - a deck chair made out of old skis.  It was thoughtful of her to give that to me, in recognition of my decades as an alpine ski racer and affinity for skiing.  This was before our relationship fell apart.  It was an expensive purchase for her and difficult for her to transport to me.

Unfortunately the chair was not well-designed and well-constructed.  Its angles were too square, not really an Adirondack, and the armrests would leave fiberglass splinters in my skin.  I tried to maintain it, coating it with polyurethane, but eventually gave up.

It became a topic in my sister's rages.  Because of its flaws I eventually discarded it, and she knew that.  She would bring it up in her emotional outbursts.  I feel kind of bad about it, but the thing was a POS.

I guess the reason I'm telling you this is to be grateful for what our sisters give us, even if they are disordered.  At least it is thoughtful of them towards us, even if imperfect.

Cheers.

[lexialpha]

You are entirely right. I am grateful. I also am completely aware that my annoyance is not about the gift at all, it is about me mourning the loss of the relationship. Thanks for reminding me to see the sunny side.