Separate Areas in the Home

[starryeyed]

My BPD husband will nitpick that I am not tidy enough with the housework.  I admit that he is cleaner than I am, however, I am not a slob by any means.  We both work full-time and I make the majority of our meals and look after the kids.  For example: He will get upset when my nightstand isn't up to his standards.  It isn't in complete chaos, but not the way he would like it to be.  But it's MY night stand.  (How does that affect him?) About 6 months ago, we hired a maid to clean the house twice a month because he didn't like how I didn't dust/ clean the bathroom as often as he wanted me to.  But after a couple of months, he started to pick on me for other things, like my night stand, etc.  I can't stand it anymore.  He will literally say that I don't do anything, which simply isn't true.  I think at this point we need to have our own separate bedrooms / areas of the home.  I don't know what else to do.  Has anyone tried this with a BPD that nitpicks your tidiness in the home?

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[pursuingJoy]

I haven't had this particular issue. I'd be really frustrated too.

It comes down to what you want to accomplish. Will going to separate areas address it? Is that what you want? Does he nitpick other stuff too?

I used to think that accommodating and getting smaller would help. All it did was fuel the meanness. If I was in your situation, I'd probably try using SET (support, empathy, truth). If he says, "You never do anything around here," you can say "It must feel overwhelming to feel like you're the only person that cleans. I really don't want you to feel that way, which is why I did the dishes, made the bed, and tonight I'll make supper."

I'm not in your situation, though. What do you think - would that work?

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, but I’m the nitpicky one! 

I’d been living by myself in the little house I’d built after I divorced my first BPD husband and I was really uncomfortable with the idea of having someone else creating chaos in my environment.

So when my current BPD  husband and I were planning to get married and expand my house, I suggested he build a studio on the property for himself.

His man cave is populated with dust bunnies, stacks of books, shoes on the floor, boxes of miscellaneous stuff, etc.

At one point he was whining about how he couldn’t find anything and everything was a mess. Though it’s 1000 square feet, he’s managed to completely fill it to the brim.

I asked if he wanted me to organize his closets, of which he has several—one entirely devoted to camera gear—the only one that was organized.

So I went to the hardware store and bought shelves and cubbyhole boxes, and removed everything from his closets and reassembled them with an order, which he is continuing to maintain, as far as I know.

Long story, but yes, I think deciding that he have his own space at the beginning has saved our marriage.

He has difficulty with organizing and big picture thinking. I’m not BPD, but seeing chaos and disorder upsets me, as I imagine it does your husband.

If you have the space to each have your own room, I think that would be a great strategy. That way you can each have your privacy, deal with things the way you please, and get together for romance in two different environments.

[Cat Familiar]

Oh and I didn’t mention, it’s your responsibility to clean/dust the bathroom?

[merelytrying]

With someone who's kinda OCD like that (my uBPD husband is as well), there's only so much you can do. Something will always be out of place. Fix one area of clutter, and magically another will start to be a problem. Eventually, though, my husband learned to just ignore my equivalent to the nightstand. Almost all of the time. ;-) That's strictly my space.

I have physical limitations in what I can do, so if he wants the floor vacuumed ever other day, he has to do it himself. I can't. Sure, he stays stressed about all of it, but it's one of those things he yells about briefly and then moves on. I admit that on days when he's in a particularly turbulent mood, I do still go around trying to make sure I've cleaned up all of my unnecessary clutter... but for the most part, we've adapted.