Having a bad day today

[todayistheday]

My h-BPD (hypothesized BPD by my therapist) mother is 81 and my sweet Dad is 86.    He did try to leave her once - in the early 1980s.  She of course threatened suicide if he did, so he stayed.  Not that she wants him, she hates him and everyone else.

Dad is relegated to one room in the house.  She gets mad any time he comes out for anything.  She is currently suffering from a UTI.  Which I know with older people is bad.  I'm Christian and I cannot even bring myself to pray for her.

I talked to Dad yesterday and things are really bad there.   On top of everything else, both of their health is declining at their ages.  They are both VERY healthy for their ages.  Pre-pandemic, they were doing 90% of things people 20 years younger do.  I don't know if it's the time or the isolation that's taking the toll.  I've only seen them in person a couple times due to vaccine status. She did not allow ANYBODY around before vaccines -I even tried TOTALLY self-isolating for 2 weeks so I could visit my Dad.  But no.  Then after we all got vaccines, we have had 3 visits.

I decided that I'm not taking a planned vacation trip next week due to Delta.  But, I've mostly stayed in and so have they, so thought I'd go visit them during the "use it or lose it" days I have already applied for.  I told her that I might go and she said "we'll see about that", which means she is the gatekeeper and the answer is no.  I could care less about seeing her.  It's my Dad I want to see.  Last trip, I spent most of my time in his man-cave --- but it was his birthday.  So she is probably mad about that too.  She stays mad about everything and Dad and I are her scapegoats. 

She's nicer to me now.  Growing up I was her scapegoat child.  I am now 60.  Back 30 years ago I was at her house and she got in one of her moods with me and I said "I don't have to take this". I picked up my purse and I left the house and drove home (100 miles away).  She has been nice to me ever since.  I didn't even know about BPD then, and fear of abandonment, so that was the right thing to do.

When I talked to Dad, he was telling me some of what is going on there now.  She is being so mean to him.  She always is, but in the past couple weeks, more than usual.  He is so unhappy. He told me that she's been mad for a couple weeks but he didn't know why until a couple days ago, but he still does not completely understand why.  He didn't tell me the why and I did not ask.  While I seem to be his only confidante, it's a place I shouldn't be.  I talked to her last weekend and she didn't mention anything about him.

I have a sister who lives local.  I need to talk to her tonight to see if she knows anything that is going on. 

After my phone call with him last night, I did not sleep well at all.  I ache so much for him.   I am also worried about their age/health.  Between Mom's h-BPD and the Pandemic and their ages, it has me down a little - for him.  If she happens to outlive him, she may never see me again.  It would only be if she was with my sister.  I feel that way even when I'm not sad and angry like I am right now.

If you got this far thanks for reading.  If I don't get better in a day or two, I'll call my therapist.    It really s--- that the ones who see the therapist are not the ones with the illness, but the ones who have to deal with the person with the illness.

--

[formflier]

Sorry you are having a bad day.

What happens if you call your Dad and make plans to see him?   How does the pwBPD get a vote in that discussion?

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I am wondering the same. If you tell your dad you are coming, show up at the door, and say, "I'm here to visit with Dad," -- what can she do? Call the police? Really, wouldn't that just open Pandora's box, which you know she wants to keep closed.

Is the situation bad enough that it could call for an Elder Abuse visit from the county? Confining your dad to one room sounds unacceptable.

My mother once had to show up and insist on seeing my grandfather, over my step-grandmother's objections. Turns out his Alzheimer's had progressed to a level that required more home care than SGM wanted to permit or pay for.

[todayistheday]

Sorry you are having a bad day.

What happens if you call your Dad and make plans to see him?   How does the pwBPD get a vote in that discussion?

Best,

FF

Thanks.    Unfortunately she has total control.   If I did that, she would take it out on him and make things worse and more miserable for him.   

I had considered going to visit my sister and calling him over there.  That's too risky too.   She is a second grade teacher and trying to isolate outside work to not pass anything along in case she's an asymptomatic  carrier. She is vaccinated but her kids are too young to be.  She had a student sent home with symptoms this week.  No test results yet.  Plus, her husband works in a hospital, sometimes around ER patients. I can't risk it to go to her house either.
 My dear husband is immunocompromised.  He had his 3rd shot Friday but we're still protective of our men - my Dad and my hubby.   This pandemic is making a bad situation worse.

[zachira]

My heart breaks for you hearing another all too familiar story, a spouse is abusing the other one and the abused spouse does not stand up for himself/herself. It is especially sad when the abused person is elderly. You could call Adult Protective Services and they would have to investigate. What you are describing is definitely elder abuse. Some of the challenges for the investigators would be your mother might convince the investigators into thinking there is no abuse or not enough to meet the legal standard, and your father may deny he is being abused. Adult Protective Services would likely interview your father separately from your mother.
What do you think?

[Methuen]

I'm very sad to hear about the situation both you and your father are struggling with.  It brings back bad memories of how my uBPD mom struggled and abused my father when he  had Parkinson's disease with early dementia many years ago.  As you would know, stress is very bad for pwBPD's, and my mom was dysregulating for probably 2 years through his illness before he went into care.  Their stress is exacerbated by fear, and they experience their emotions 1000X what we do, without being able to control and reign in those fears. In the time my father was ill and at home, she abused him terribly, including calling him a retard to his face. She just couldn't handle the stress.  We supported dad in many ways as best as we could. She refused all outside help (which I now think was because she thought it would tarnish the image she wanted to have of being his caretaker- not). We had to intervene confidentially, and we reported the abuse to his community care case worker, and his doctor.  I can't be sure, but it may have helped to get him into a "care facility" sooner.  

I told her that I might go and she said "we'll see about that", which means she is the gatekeeper and the answer is no.

 I know this line too.  It's remarkable that my mom and your mom say the same things, but don't even know each other.

Back 30 years ago I was at her house and she got in one of her moods with me and I said "I don't have to take this". I picked up my purse and I left the house and drove home (100 miles away).  She has been nice to me ever since.

This sounds like an example of boundaries working (natural consequences).

It sounds like your dad doesn't set boundaries.  She threatened him with suicide early in their marriage (if he left), so he stayed.  But staying seems to have cost him dearly if he is now confined largely to one room of the house.  That sounds like a super unhealthy environment, almost as if he's a hostage in his own home. This is serious abuse.  Imagine if he wasn't your father.  What if she did that to any other person (other than family)?  It is akin to holding hostage...It sounds like your mom is doing this for the power, to feed her need to be in control.  Does that fit?  

I agree with others here, that this sounds like elder abuse, and your dad needs to be able to receive visitors, including you.  Would your dad give you permission to visit his doctor, and explain what is going on?  Failing that, a visit to his case worker (if he has one) without his permission, or a senior's advocate could also be a start.  You could also visit your own family doctor, explain the situation, and get advice on how to proceed in your region.  

[formflier]

Thanks.    Unfortunately she has total control.   If I did that, she would take it out on him and make things worse and more miserable for him.   

I'm going to agree with other posters about lack of or unclear boundaries.  The following is FF trying to organize this correctly in my head.

This pattern has gone on for so long and there appears to be an attempt early on in the marriage to leave and yet Dad returned with no apparent change for the better in the relationship.  Do I have that correct?

People have chosen to defer to the pwBPD for so long, it's going to be very hard to change...or more accurately it's going to be very hard to manage the fallout from the change.

Perhaps another place to clarify:  There are obviously some unusual physical concerns around immune compromised people (is there more than one involved?)  Other than that (which is NOT a minor matter)  are there are there any other physical barriers or disabilities at play here?


I'm certainly open to many possibilities..going forward, yet I see two main ones.

1.  Practicing radical acceptance and finding ways to enrich relationships inside currently accepted boundaries.

or

2.  Set off on a course to "upset the apple cart" by "redrawing" boundaries to something more traditional.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I wish I could offer better advice, other than you are not the only one who has faced this situation. My BPD mother controlled my father's relationship with me.

I also agree that if we intervened, she'd make things worse for him.

I think FF makes a good point that this is a set pattern between them that has gone on for decades.

It may help to read the Karpman triangle dynamics. My father was rescuer to my mother, and this bond between them was very strong.

Try to be caring and supportive of your father to the best you can in this tough situation.

[madeline7]

Unfortunately I can relate. When my parents were very old, my Dad wanted to move closer to family. My uBPDm refused saying there were too many issues. But she added that if he got sick or passed away, she would then move closer to us so that we could take care of her. I told her that was not fair to Dad and she said life isn't fair. Boy did she get that right. So later that year my Dad passed away, and she wound up in my hometown so her dutiful daughter could take care of her. Her behavior did not improve once she was widowed and dependent on her adult kids for everything, it stayed exactly the same which is horrible, manipulative and vindictive. Almost 6 years later is where I find myself. And I am finally "getting it". She    will    not     change.
Finally setting boundaries. Better late than never.

[todayistheday]

Unfortunately I can relate. When my parents were very old, my Dad wanted to move closer to family. My uBPDm refused saying there were too many issues. But she added that if he got sick or passed away, she would then move closer to us so that we could take care of her. I told her that was not fair to Dad and she said life isn't fair. Boy did she get that right. So later that year my Dad passed away, and she wound up in my hometown so her dutiful daughter could take care of her. Her behavior did not improve once she was widowed and dependent on her adult kids for everything, it stayed exactly the same which is horrible, manipulative and vindictive. Almost 6 years later is where I find myself. And I am finally "getting it". She    will    not     change.
Finally setting boundaries. Better late than never.

My parents moved to live near my sister.  Fortunately, they have stated over and over that they do not like my city, so I don't have to worry about them moving here.  My sister makes statements about having to take care of them, but whenever something actually has to be done, somehow I'm the one.  My sister has even called me to settle things between them a few times.   When I called my sister about the current situation, curious about what's really going on, she said that she now walks away and stays out of it when they are fighting.  I find the word "fighting" to be inaccurate since to me a fight has two sides.  Since rather than defending himself, Dad retreats, I don't see that as a fight, I see it as intimidation.  I don't get in the middle, though, I just listen.  I don't go back to the other one and try to fix it.  (Not that anybody could fix it.  Getting involved would do nothing but make it worse.)

I have to say that if Mom outlives Dad, sister is on her own.  The only reason that I go there to help when either of them is sick is for my Dad's sake.  Mom is a terrible nurse and a terrible patient.  I only help either one of them to ease the burden on Dad.  If she is ever alone, she is out of luck if sister won't help.