What to do when you’ve broken NC

[Dogslistentome]

I know there isn’t a linear path to rehabilitation and balance but sometimes the lows are really rough. I was doing well this week by blocking my exwBPD but today I broke contact. I reblocked after reaching out but I am feeling so much disappointment and shame. Some days I feel like I’ll keep making this grave mistake. I’m still working  on finally a therapist who can help with BPD relationships so I know this will help me immensely.

Some days I struggle to not reach out and make my ex understand all the pain she’s put me through even while she’s with someone else she’ll still say how much she misses and loves me and how she ISNT actually with someone else. I can rationally understand this behavior, specifically through the lense of someone with BPD. She will do this only to “charm” me back in and suck life out of me. I’ve been able to keep this away for almost a year but sometimes I do get drawn back in just to argue and tell her how much she’s hurt me.

I know me explaining to her or me trying to get her to understand how she has hurt me and how F-Ed up she’s been is a waste of time and effort.

What have each of you done that's helped when you’ve back slidden, made a mistake or broken NC? I feel like im starting over from the progress I made this week

[crushedagain]

The only thing I can say is that you can only try to work on your self control so you don't give in to urges to contact her. There's nothing she can or will say to make any of it better. The very nature of these people is to cause extreme pain.

I fought urges to contact my ex on multiple occasions back when she left me, but thankfully I never did. I used to daydream about things I'd say to her should she ever contact me again, still do sometimes, but she never has. I have also wanted on occasion to point out to her the many hurtful things she did but I realize that's never going to happen.

[Ad Meliora]

I used to daydream about things I'd say to her should she ever contact me again, still do sometimes, but she never has. I have also wanted on occasion to point out to her the many hurtful things she did but I realize that's never going to happen.

Yes, Crushedagain, me too!  These are some of the thoughts I have a year later.  What would I do?  Pretend I have amnesia and don't know her?  Would I be short and curt about it and hand her a slip of paper with the letters "BPD" and "NPD" on it and tell her to give it to her doctor?  So many scenarios.  I even worked up a song list I could do at Karaoke or put in a Juke Box if I found myself in the same bar with her.  All of this is unlikely to happen, but it's been fun to daydream.

So Dogslistentome, good for you for figuring out she doesn't want to hear from you.  She probably thinks it wasn't her that caused your pain, someone else, or you just got it wrong as my BPDx was pushing onto me.  After learning more about BPD they generally have a different concept of time and issues with "object permanence" so if you're now out of sight--you are out of their mind.  A couple weeks may seem like months to them.

There's also this "splitting" and black-and-white thinking that's common. So it's likely now that your ex sees you as someone evil and despises you.  Even if your partner is/was important to you, you're likely completely unimportant at this point.

Every time I slid back it just got worse.  It's like an admission that I was the problem after all. The manipulation, the lies, the abuse, the stealing (in your case) will continue and escalate.  So expect more of same.  So you'll have to ask yourself, "Is that what I want?"  What's your tolerance for pain?   How many more rounds do you have in you? My BPDx could lift 50lb cinder blocks with one arm when she wanted to.  She could go infinite rounds, she could wait me out as long as it takes.  For all I know she's still waiting me out a year later as I'm sure she's happy to Etch-A-Sketch all the past from her memory if I'll just pledge allegiance to her once again and admit I was wrong the whole time.  Her control over me at that point would be all but complete.  My self worth, though, would be in the toilet.

[cash05458]

You simply go back to NC...guilt won't help on any level in this situation...forget and move on if you can...but don't beat yourself up...human failure is built into us...all of us really and that isnt just a thing here with these folks...just reestablish simply and carry on...and go easy on yourself...remember, you are only human...

[once removed]

What have each of you done that's helped when you’ve back slidden, made a mistake or broken NC?

i think the first thing is to look at the big picture. to look at where you are in your detaching process, and whats driving you.

what drove you to reach out? was it to explain the hurt, or something else?

what did you say?

[Janie Starks]

Hi Dogslistentome,
I understand how you're feeling, I've been through it so many times.
It's really tough, and it's natural for us to want them to understand the pain they inflicted to us.
But the thing is they won't really understand, their brain doesn't work that way, BPD won't let them empathize with you and recognize their role in your pain and take responsibility for it.

Please take it easy on yourself, don't accuse yourself and feel disappointed, it's really tough...
Try to think of the reasons why you went NC with your ex, when time passes we tend to forget how irrational their behaviour and their words were, and you might tend to think that if you speak honestly and rationally she will finally understand the pain she’s put you through. But she won't follow your rational point of view, cause she just can't function like that.

When you can't resist it, think about all the times she made you feel not heard, not listened to, why do you think she will be empathetic this time? Find closure by taking care of your own well being, get away from people that make you feel like you have to ask them for human decency and basic respect, you can do it  
I'm saying this to myself too, sorry if I've been a bit harsh

[Shaken54]

Don't beat yourself up over it most of us have done the same thing at times, it takes a lot of willpower to go NC and stay NC. The others are right its out of sight out of mind with them, when we reach out its not good for us and only provides them with that validation the are always seeking. Chances are when she received your message she just smirked and thought he can not live without me.

Its all mind games, I watched a video on BPD and it makes sense. When you think of her picture her as a toddler, why? because that is where they are stuck emotionally. You can not reason with a 3 year old or receive empathy from a 3 year old. The truth is as much as we fell in love with the person we first met it was a facade, sure she really believed she loved you in the idealization phase but is was not love like we feel, it was love like a toddler feels towards a parent because after all that is what they are searching for the love they did not get as a child.

Keep in mind too that a BPD  in a relationship the relationship itself is a major trigger for them.
I am going through what you are I have been with her 4 years first 6 months pure bliss thought I found the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. As time went on the push pull started and devaluing, silent treatments, blow ups over nothing.

Like you I would reach out beg plead only to be brought back in and have the cycle repeat itself only each time they get shorter. It wasn't till recently that I took her out to lunch and as she was texting across from me i realized after 4 years of lie after lie that she was lying again about who she was talking too.
I was correct when I received a picture by text from her that was a live photo on iPhone and sure enough I hear the voice of a guy calling her out on texting me, see she told me her dad was driving her and she must have told him she was texting her dad I could tell that by what he said.
After our long discussion about the lying a month prior she goes and lies to me again, that was enough I finally got the courage to walk away at least to this point I have stayed NC and have not heard anything from her.

I am telling you a little of my story so you can see what we all go through, honestly I could write for hours of the things she has done to me.

Stay strong stay NC and heal, there is some woman out there that is looking for you and can love you unconditionally.

[Cant breathe]

On my best days, I don't even want contact anymore -- because I know I will never get what I am seeking. There will be no remorse from him, not even an ounce of care. He's moved on; he's back with his ex. On good days, I realize I am lucky because I got out. I still have the chance to heal and lead a normal, healthy life while they will cycle through their patterns again and again.

On good days, I am even relieved to know I don't have to go through this with him again. I realize he is so mentally disturbed, he can never be the man he pretends to be.

I hang onto those good days because there are other days that are hard, when I wonder why he wouldn't even wonder where I am. I hate those days.

[Sappho11]

Here's an unpopular opinion, and it might be terrible advice to someone who's been NC for years, especially if the relationship was a long and life-changing one. If that's the case, please ignore what I'm about to say.

The thing that helped me personally was to break NC. I was in the same spot as another thread starter the other day, who kept wondering whether their ex was simply too shy or too ashamed to reach out. I kept hoping my ex would reappear at my door, or at least send me an email, or phone, or send me a text. Nothing happened, and I had this open loop in my mind and couldn't stop thinking about him.

There are some indications that the human brain tends to recall unfinished business more often and more vividly than that which is clear-cut and closed. It's called the Zeigarnik effect (and it's controversial, but I think the model has at least some validity). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeigarnik_effect

In my case, what had me losing sleep was wondering whether my ex still cared about me, but was just too ashamed to reach out and to apologise.

I broke NC about six weeks in, writing him about some of his residual belongings at my place, and generally being very warm-hearted. I figured that if he was feeling ashamed or unsure, this would give him an opening to approach me again.

He replied almost immediately. But it wasn't like anything I had hoped. There was some mention of him coming over (!) to pick up his stuff, though he questioned himself whether that would be a good idea. The rest of his lengthy email was selfish ramblings in which he not only showed a complete lack of self-awareness, but also a complete lack of responsibility for the hurt he had caused. He talked at length about all the things he was doing at present, hinting that he wasn't feeling so well after the breakup.

In short, it was another avalanche of the narcisstic BS I had come to know during our relationship. He didn't ask about me or my feelings with one word. They just didn't factor into the equation for him.

That was one of the moments when it clicked that he had only ever been in that relationship for himself, that it had never been about me as a person.

Seeing that helped me realise that our "love" had at best been one-sided. And I felt very strongly that I deserved better than that. Not adulation, not idealisation, but someone solid who would care for me as deeply as I cared for them. I would never, ever in this life have that with him.

I carefully packed up the remnants of his belongings into a box (folded into tissue paper and all) and sent them to him with a note, cordially explaining why and that I was going to go NC. He promptly sent back my travel hair straightener (which I had asked him to throw it away) rattling around in a crusty paper box along with a crumpled piece of paper that stated he would try his best to stay away.

He doesn't know it, but just like that, he'd given me closure. One final time he had proven how little he cared, and how selfish and small he was at heart. The breakup still hurt, but I started missing him less and less, and I began to see him for who he truly was. And that person wasn't one I wanted to have in my life.

– Again, I'm not saying anyone should break NC, but there may be cases when doing so can work out.

If your ex is of the charismatic, lovebombing kind however, I think you'd be playing with fire. Mine was an insecure good-for-nothing from the start who was even too lazy/insecure for grand(er) gestures, so it worked out in this case.

[Rev]

I know me explaining to her or me trying to get her to understand how she has hurt me and how F-Ed up she’s been is a waste of time and effort.

What have each of you done that's helped when you’ve back slidden, made a mistake or broken NC? I feel like im starting over from the progress I made this week

Tough one - I would struggle with this in the first few months.

You've got lot's of good advice.  Someone here has invited to you to look at what is fueling the impulse and I would agree that ultimately, any technique will fall short if you don't get to the root of it all.

So here's two things to encourage you. 

1) In breaking any habit, the rule "relapse in part of recovery" is one to remember. Instead of taking this as failure, accept this a part of the detachment process. A relapse is not a failure... a relapse is a reset. In CBT, there's a line of thinking that says that a relapse is a healthy sign in healing because it is an unconscious way of signaling  that the measures someone is currently using to heal and move on will be insufficient down the road. Relapse is like an early warning signal.

2) Along these lines, google the RESISTT technique as a way to withstand urges in the moment AND to learn in the same way as having a relapse. It will change your focus away from resisting her to resisting the relapse itself - and that in of itself is one further step away from her.   

I have found this approach quite useful and am recovery from pain in a way I never really thought possible. The added bonus is that in distancing myself from my ex in this way, because it's been based on positive movement, I've just naturally grown in other areas of my life - not because of the breakup, but precisely because I have found a way not to dwell on the breakup. The only way to not dwell has been to focus on other things.

Hope this help. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. 

Rev

[Dogslistentome]

An update:

I first want to thank everyone so much for your thorough, kind and lengthy replies. Reading all of your experiences helps me put things into perspective. A bit of tough love helps me keep this growth centered around myself instead of changing someone else and I do need reminders of that

I wrote out a really long post but when I posted it it deleted?

[Desu95]

Here's an unpopular opinion, and it might be terrible advice to someone who's been NC for years, especially if the relationship was a long and life-changing one. If that's the case, please ignore what I'm about to say.

The thing that helped me personally was to break NC. I was in the same spot as another thread starter the other day, who kept wondering whether their ex was simply too shy or too ashamed to reach out. I kept hoping my ex would reappear at my door, or at least send me an email, or phone, or send me a text. Nothing happened, and I had this open loop in my mind and couldn't stop thinking about him.

There are some indications that the human brain tends to recall unfinished business more often and more vividly than that which is clear-cut and closed. It's called the Zeigarnik effect (and it's controversial, but I think the model has at least some validity). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeigarnik_effect

In my case, what had me losing sleep was wondering whether my ex still cared about me, but was just too ashamed to reach out and to apologise.

I broke NC about six weeks in, writing him about some of his residual belongings at my place, and generally being very warm-hearted. I figured that if he was feeling ashamed or unsure, this would give him an opening to approach me again.

He replied almost immediately. But it wasn't like anything I had hoped. There was some mention of him coming over (!) to pick up his stuff, though he questioned himself whether that would be a good idea. The rest of his lengthy email was selfish ramblings in which he not only showed a complete lack of self-awareness, but also a complete lack of responsibility for the hurt he had caused. He talked at length about all the things he was doing at present, hinting that he wasn't feeling so well after the breakup.

In short, it was another avalanche of the narcisstic BS I had come to know during our relationship. He didn't ask about me or my feelings with one word. They just didn't factor into the equation for him.

That was one of the moments when it clicked that he had only ever been in that relationship for himself, that it had never been about me as a person.

Seeing that helped me realise that our "love" had at best been one-sided. And I felt very strongly that I deserved better than that. Not adulation, not idealisation, but someone solid who would care for me as deeply as I cared for them. I would never, ever in this life have that with him.

I carefully packed up the remnants of his belongings into a box (folded into tissue paper and all) and sent them to him with a note, cordially explaining why and that I was going to go NC. He promptly sent back my travel hair straightener (which I had asked him to throw it away) rattling around in a crusty paper box along with a crumpled piece of paper that stated he would try his best to stay away.

He doesn't know it, but just like that, he'd given me closure. One final time he had proven how little he cared, and how selfish and small he was at heart. The breakup still hurt, but I started missing him less and less, and I began to see him for who he truly was. And that person wasn't one I wanted to have in my life.

– Again, I'm not saying anyone should break NC, but there may be cases when doing so can work out.

If your ex is of the charismatic, lovebombing kind however, I think you'd be playing with fire. Mine was an insecure good-for-nothing from the start who was even too lazy/insecure for grand(er) gestures, so it worked out in this case.

This is something similar that happened to me except she reached out to me after about 4 months NC. I had discarded her and when she reached out she was very pleasant and warm and it really messed me up because I was beginning to heal. During the conversation I even stooped to eluding that maybe we could hang out again someday and she said “never say never” all of a sudden boom I was sucked back in emotionally. The conversation ended and then she blocked me on social media that week, then she unblocked me the following week. I couldn’t take the suspense anymore of whether I was going to hear from her again or when so I texted her and asked if she wanted to meet for coffee to catch up and put the last behind us and she never responded. Although this inflicted an insurmountable amount of pain I now found the strength to block her and I feel ok with never speaking with her for the rest of my life, it did give me some sort of closure that this person will always only cause me pain.

[B53]

Sappho11, I don’t think that you are really encouraging to break NC. I think it takes that one final thing to make NC, possible. You still had unfinished business. There comes a point when they say or do something that you can no longer ignore, realizing he didn’t care, it was always about him, was what you needed. As is said, when the writing is on the wall and at the point of no return. Sometimes it’s the last NC and sometimes it takes a few periods of NC until you can finally stick to it. For me it was like when you blow a fuse in your house, the switch was tripped, the house went dark,  there was no going back. It has been almost seven months and my head has cleared and I feel happier every day. I can no longer think about him in the same way I use to.

Beating yourself up is just continuing the abuse they did to you, only now your doing it to yourself. Give yourself a break., we all know how hard it is.

[Skip]

Be careful to not confuse "No Contact" with healing. It's at best, a temporary crutch - and like a crutch, it's awkward, uncomfortable, and something you want to use until you can walk without it.

I struggle to not reach out and make my ex understand all the pain she’s put me through...

This desire is what needs to be healed.

Forget about BPD for a minute. When anyone breaks up with us, one of the worst parts of breaking up for them is facing our woundedness. The truth is often painful and awkward and they want to move on past it.

Think about it. Why would the husband who blows off his wife an children for a hot young girl want to face the questions and the gut wrenching pain his wife is dealing. He looks bad/was bad has no interest in going there. No interest in facing himself.

Or think about the girl that dumps a year long relationship because an old boyfriend is suddenly interested in her again. She looks bad/was bad to herself has no interest in going there. No interest in facing himself.

Why is there so much "ghosting" these days. It's absolutely cruel. Well, people do it so that they don't have to deal with the messiness of the breakup.

And when we try to push the issue, the natural reaction is to see us a clingy and needy. It's easier to take that on board than to face ourselves when we dump someone.

I struggle to not reach out and make my ex understand all the pain she’s put me through...

I know the explanation above doesn't heal any pain you are in, but hopefully it explains why the "running away" and why the "deaf ears".

There very thing that you hope will heal you, is the very thing your ex is avoiding are avoiding to protect themselves.

[Cant breathe]

I finally blocked my ex on Facebook today. I'd found myself stalking his FB page. Wasn't healthy for me. Working myself up to blocking him on my phone. Not that he has reached out. I'm new at this. Am I doing the right thing?

[Rev]

I finally blocked my ex on Facebook today. I'd found myself stalking his FB page. Wasn't healthy for me. Working myself up to blocking him on my phone. Not that he has reached out. I'm new at this. Am I doing the right thing?

Yes... there's a fake it until you make it type of thing.  Just give your soul a chance to catch up to your new habits.  I know a life coach who believes it takes 100 days for a new habit to take root - this is a bit a hike, not a sprint.

Hang in there,

It does work. It does get easier.  Keep reaching out. I did. People here are lovely.

Rev