Update

[Snowflake90]

Hey there guys, after being away for quite a while I thought about giving an update and hearing your always useful advice.
For those who don't know my story:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347305.0
For those who won't read a long text here's a quick summary:
I was married to a BPDw for six years. I have co-dependency issues. In the beginning of the marriage it all looked more like NPD, rages, etc. Having had an NPD mother I thought she was just like mom, "a tad" high strung. After our second baby was born she developed terrible symptoms. Eating disorders, self harm, suicide attempts etc. She was hospitalized for 3 weeks. Despite intensive treatment (she'd take about 10 different meds, including injected ketamine), therapy, she still functioned poorly. Let's say 10% of the time she would act out terribly (suicide attempt, self harm requiring ER visit w/ 30 stitches to leg, etc), 50% of time lay in bed sleeping or pretending to,  20% doing random stuff (studying, shopping, never working though), and 20% of the time spent with me or the kids. There would also be rage episodes and acting out with money (ultra spending). One day (Dec 13th 2020) I had enough and left the house. The divorce, although stormy, never went to court. We arranged a "shared" custody. I get my kids on tuesdays, hand them back at school on wednesdays, and get them every alternate weekend.
What can I say? I feel like I've healed quite a bit from back then. Still I lament the fact I'll never have a complete family. I'm jealous of other "whole" families. I constantly cry when I think about my kids having to go through this ordeal. This is particularly hard when my eldest son, now 5, almost 6, asks me about the divorce: "why don't you and mommy go back to living together?" or when my 2 yr old daughter naively asks "where's mommy?". I even contemplate going back, but this is really only on a theoretical plan and I know it to be impossible. Whenever I do, I make sure to re-read the thread I've just shared with you guys and I quickly remind myself I made the right decision. Furthermore, during the divorce, things got even more broken. We got into a very heated discussion about the assets. Long story short, I'm living by myself on the apartment we used to live together and she's renting another, much inferior, although on my expense. She greatly resents me for it. She feels like I stole it from her (although it was never hers to begin with).
Despite all that, things go on. We somehow get along on whatsapp, about kids logistics and extraneous expenses. The hard thing has been to find another girl. I feel like I desperately need a girlfriend, although I'm very careful now to screen her for PDs . I haven't hooked up ever since I left my ex-wife. To be fair, the divorce only finalized in april 2021. Also, throughout the period I have kinda changed my religious identity. I used to be a very religious guy and now I feel like I'm a more moderate guy. This directly impacts my dating game.
Finally, I have been doing therapy to try and heal my codependence. This means I have been more assertive and at times quite a bit beligerent with people who try to step on me. That includes my ex. I have scolded her these days for not caring at all about me spending all my money on child support. She has this attitude like, she can demand anything for her or the kids, even when she has a zero cost option. An example is vaccines. She doesn't want to go to a public hospital to give a free vaccine, because it's such a hassle, and instead she wants me to pay for the private one. I'm not a stingy guy. If it's 100 bucks okay, but some here can cost up to 1000. She doesn't even want to call the private vaccination unit to ask how much it costs (she doesn't work, she just wants to give me a hard time). The list could go on. On one hand I don't like "being the bad guy", on the other, it feels so good to finally stand up to myself.
Anyone going through something similar? Would love to get some advice.

[kells76]

Hey Snowflake90, thanks for coming back and updating!

Lots of insights in your post. Sounds like you've been learning and reflecting, and trying to put into practice (assertiveness) new tools and skills. Kudos for your hard work.

Not sure if you've spent much time over on Conflicted/Family Law? It's kind of a mixed board so it's certainly fine if you're not conflicted about your relationship to your ex. It also has discussions around coparenting, custody/parenting time issues, etc, so your question of what to do about her demands for money would fit right in there

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Is the CS amount set in stone or still variable?

[Snowflake90]

Thanks Kells,

Will look into it, but to be honest, although I didn't phrase it correctly, I want advice on moving on. Although I've been treated terribly I do miss the kids, and sometimes wonder if I should've just stayed for the kids, because although I do see them on a constant basis, I miss 'em dearly. Her company was at least something, we'd watch netflix together. Now all I'm all by myself. On the other hand, I know that, being outside of that environment, I tend to romanticize her, painting a not-so-bleak picture of her. I do remember in the final months daydreaming every single day about leaving and having trouble sleeping and trouble going to the bathroom due to anxiety. Indeed, I was on an SSRI and the dosage wasn't enough. I'd soon up it. I'd look up single apartments daily, dream about moving to another neighborhood, etc. The human being is one weird animal.
So to phrase it better, any advice on helping detach (when w/ kids NC is not an option), is greatly appreciated.
About the CS, it is bound by a legal contract. It's fixed, but there are variable extraneous expenses, i.e. kids school uniforms (and as I've just discovered) extracurricular activities' uniforms too, and the list goes on.
Thanks again, it's good to be back.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Snowflake, thanks for the update. I'm pretty new so I was glad for the shortened story.  It sounds familiar.  My uBPDex was similar in her general behavior patterns you broke down.  She liked spending money she didn't have. I was only together for a year so I wasn't tethered in marriage.  Scarredheart tells a story very similar to yours only a few threads away from this one.  So maybe look there under "I had to say goodbye".

None of us here want to be the "bad guy".  I wrote similar things in one of my posts.  That's likely how we got stuck in our relationships with our BPD partners.  They take advantage of us, learn our weaknesses and maximize their leverage there.  It's a shame really, because we all want to believe that's not happening.  The pwBPD does too, or doesn't believe they could possibly be doing that: hurting you.

It helped to understand that covert narcissism (NPD) was a big part of what was going on in my relationship with my BPDex.  Incapable of empathy, the putting me down with rampant sarcasm.  The standing me up with plans or not responding to messages/texts/letters/phone calls etc...

Now that I have an idea of what was going on it's like replaying the tapes in my mind with director's commentary..."There's a classic case of covert narcissism there..." or "Typical behavior for a BPD..."

I think there are a lot of people here that can relate to your specific situation: divorcing with children.  Keep searching the threads, and good luck, sounds like you're on a good path.

[Snowflake90]

Hey Ad-Meliora, thanks for the heads up.
I posted on his thread.
And indeed, the BPD and NPD are both part of the cluster B personality disorders. They tend to overlap quite a bit.
IMHO their greatest difference is that the BPD tends to turn agression inward, although he does so outwards too (i.e. towards others). The BPD seems to hate himself more for his flaws, while the NPD doesn't think he's flawed at all. That's the catchy part, since she'd admit to serious wrongdoings (self-harm, sometimes after raging), I thought there was hope. But the admission did not equate change. It was only that, an admission, and at times, none at all, looking more like NPD.

As of recently we got into an argument where my ex literally cursed my mother. She told me my mother was responsible for the downfall of our marriage. Funny how the ex herself doesn't see her part in it and has no problem dissing my mom in my face.