Desperate for help

[Aandt]

First of all, my ex was abandoned by his mom at age 10. I knew when we got together there would be abandonment issues we would have to work through but it turned out worse than I expected.
My ex and I fell head over heels for each other in April of this year. This was his first real relationship and I was his first for everything. His family and everyone said they had never seen him this happy. The love bombing was amazing. I had never been this close to anyone and our relationship moved very quickly. Then about 2 months into our relationship, he started pulling away after a small fight we had when I told him I didn’t know if we were right for each other. He flipped out. Emotionally he started shutting down and randomly started to claim to not trust me despite doing nothing wrong. Of course, I became needy and clingy trying to hold on to him which made things worse. Things would be great one day and the next I was being ignored. By early July I could tell he was starting to flirt with the idea of breaking up. I went through a really rough day, and while I was in the middle of pouring my heart out to him about my bad day, he told me he needed space..right when I needed him the most. So I was dealing with this awful day and begging him I would change. It was awful.
So we split for a little less than a week. Then he wanted to meet. Everything went great, or so I thought, and then he ghosted me for 2 days. He finally came back,  Then, while he knew I was at a concert on July 15th, he texted me breaking up with me because  I was supposedly talking about him behind his back with his best friend and that we were over and he said he couldn’t trust me anymore. This story wasn’t true at all. I even had the physical proof of the conversation between me and his friend that I showed him. it didn’t matter to him. He wrote me and his best friend off. I begged and pleaded for two weeks. That got me totally ignored and unfriended on everything.  He has since rekindled that relationship with his best friend though, but he appears to hates me.
 I saw him at the mall one week after the breakup and he literally ran from me. I followed him out to his car and he jumped from the driver seat out the passenger door and ran from me. I have never seen anything like it. After that he texted me to just leave him alone. He refused to talk about anything.
I started NC immediately after this. He called me 2 weeks later, testing the waters but hung up on me when I think he sensed I still had feelings for him. Since then, he goes out of his way to not look my direction or make eye contact. Today he was behind me driving and once he saw it was me, he turned immediately to get away from me. When he sees me in person, he  turns his back to me and just acts angry. He’s just downright rude to me in person and via text but when he is around a group of buddies around me he doesn’t seem afraid of me at all and will even say a few words.
The other day my son asked him to bring him home from practice, so he did. I sent him a text thanking him for bringing him home  and offered  gas money and his reply was “just stop texting me.” So I have completely stopped texting him and now our only means of communication are in person to respect his wishes.
I really don’t know where to go from here.
Despite all of this, I want to make things right with him. I’d love to at least be on speaking terms but more than anything I would love to have him back. I haven’t been mean, only compassionate because I know this is trauma related and I truly love him. I empathize with him.
I’m having a football watch party with some friends at my house on Thursday. Friends invited him and he’s supposed to be coming. This will be our first time being in closed quarters together. Any advice on this situation or how to approach him
Coming over in 2 days?
Also, Has anyone found a way to make them less angry? Do people with BPD come back or do they always stay resentful? I’d love to hear your experiences and ideas: thank you all!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Aandt, welcome.  Glad you found us.

I'm struck by how often you run into each other - do you share the same friends or workplace?

My first thought is that he needs space. Hearing from you creates anxiety and panic. If he comes over to your house tomorrow, can you sustain a gray rock approach and be polite, but not warm? Maybe don't approach him unless he says something to you, and even then, keep it light, and keep other people around to lessen the tension? He seems more comfortable when his friends are around.

What is presenting as anger or resentment is secondary. He has intense abandonment issues that are flaring. It's important to give him extra time to come back to baseline. Is he seeing a therapist? Are you?

[Aandt]

Thanks for responding. Yes, we have lots of mutual friends and our families are close. His dad is my sons coach so he helps with that a lot, too. We see each other almost daily in passing. It seems odd to me though how we end up at the same public places. That just happens to be coincidental.
No, he is not seeing a therapist currently. He has in the past. I am not either. Before this relationship I was a very secure person but his bpd put me in an insescure tailspin that I’m working on ridding myself from.
Thank you for the advice to be neutral for tomorrow. It’s been 7 weeks since the breakup with no hint of him wanting to return. I’m afraid he’s gone for good