Are they hoping/expecting you to fight for them during discard?

[Ichi]

I was wondering, when they're discarding you are they hoping/expecting you to fight for them, prove your love for them and try to change their mind?

When my ex discarded me she seemed to be very determined with her decision. I didn't really try to change her mind either and didn't beg or plead. Only told her I loved her and was willing to work on our relationship, but respected her decision and was not going to beg her to stay.
To me trying to change her mind seemed useless anyway, since she had said some pretty hurtful things, had already replaced me and arranged an appartement to move in to.

However, in the week after the discard while she was still with me packing all of her stuff, I seemed to notice very subtle hints of doubt/hesitation here and there. They weren't very obvious and it could have been wishful thinking but I can't shake the feeling if she maybe hoped I would try to change her mind and fight for her. I know she once told me about her previous ex before me that she was disappointed he didn't fight for her to stay when she left him.

Also, about 10 days after she finally left our home she texted me she wanted to drop by to pick something up she forgot. To me it didn't feel like a good idea to meet up so soon after she left (didn't tell her that though) and told her I'd drop it off at her workplace. Might it have been just an excuse to see me or talk to me?

Thing is, only 5 days after her texting me to drop by and me not going ahead with it she confirmed her relationship status on Facebook with her replacement. Was she maybe having doubts when she told me to drop by and wanted to talk about things? Was she hurt/disappointed/angry at me seemingly not wanting to see her and decided to move on? That was also the last time I talked to her and we've been in no contact ever since.

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[Ventak]

I would expect that the "expectations" of anyone in this situation will differ based on the relationship, however pwBPD are characterized by the phrase "I hate you, don't leave me".  In my experience with my BPDw the "don't leave me" part is non-verbal and as a general rule I only judge her actions and not her words.

She has threatened to leave, begged for divorce, etc. since day 7 of us living together and packed her bags more times than I can count.  Only left once and came back a few weeks later.  From what I've read this is caused by the intense fear of abandonment.  The theory is that they leave before you can leave them and cause considerable hurt.

[Rev]

I was wondering, when they're discarding you are they hoping/expecting you to fight for them, prove your love for them and try to change their mind?

[/quote

The short answer to that question is "yes" - every person has slightly different details of course - but yes - they expect you to fight for them, only so they can up the ante and discard you again. 

[once removed]

human nature still applies to BPD.

do people break up with others as a means of trying to send a message or get their way? sure. i did it numerous times.

is it common to have doubts and second thoughts during/after a breakup? extremely.

do people, in general, want to be chased, begged, or pleaded with? are they attracted to someone throwing their self respect out the window? no.

can it be validating on some level when it does happen? sure. thats not necessarily the same thing as "wishing someone would fight for you". the two things tend to look very different.

[NonnyMouse]

do people, in general, want to be chased, begged, or pleaded with? are they attracted to someone throwing their self respect out the window? no.

Exactly! In the movies when someone starts begging and/or crying you know it's over for good!

It's far better to look emotionally strong, this is part of being desirable (again). (This is not the same as being uncaring though.)

[Ichi]

Thanks all!

Once removed, so how do you interpret the situation I described and me handling it? Was I maybe too indifferent, should I have put in more effort showing her I cared and willing to talk, without begging and pleading of course?

[formflier]

I think you played it 99% right.  As others have said, stay emotionally stable and desirable..vice being a wreck.

If I was going to advise you for the 1% it would be something along the lines of.

her:  blah blah I'm kicking you to the curb and out of here...blah blah

you:  Well..that's disappointing and not what I want...yet if that's what you have decided is best for you...I'll deal with my disappointment.

(see how you handed her responsibility for her decision, and let her know that you would rather be together but you are a relationship..not a jailer who will hold onto her when she wants to be somewhere else.)

For the rest of it when she is hinting and "inviting" you to beg...I would advise variations on the above theme "Goodness babe...are you having second thoughts?  Want to talk through it?"

Last:  I suspect you know her best and are accurate that she wants people "chasing her"...vice being in a relationship with someone.  The one week "replacement" says a lot to me.

How does this "analysis" sit with you?

Best,

FF

[once removed]

Was I maybe too indifferent, should I have put in more effort showing her I cared and willing to talk, without begging and pleading of course?

when someone has lined/is lining up another relationship, theres not really a great deal you can do to stop it.

they have partially grieved the old relationship. it carries baggage. and work. a new relationship is safer - thats why it was sought out in the first place.