Elderly uBPD mom, driver's medical, and subsequent dysregulation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My 85 yr old uBPD mom recently saw her Dr for a driver's medical.  I wasn't at the appointment, but I think she failed it.  She told me she "wants a new doctor." "Her doctor treats her like her dad did." "Her doctor has a temper."  "Her doctor made her cry."  He told her she has to take a road test.

I live in a small town (6 min away from her). I have the same doctor.  He has an excellent reputation, and amongst the townspeople, if he is your doctor "you are lucky".

My mom has all of the following:
-impaired vision due to macular degeneration (she's already had a consult with a rep from the blind institute, but with new glasses and reading assists, can read a book in large print again)
-hearing loss (I have to repeat things even when she has her hearing aids in),
- TIA's (the new normal is she has a hard time getting her words out because of the TIA's)
- heart issues (she's on meds not sure of exact diagnosois)
- Parkinson's
- anxiety
- ADHD
- uPTSD
- dementia (2015 CAT scan showed binswangers, and although she's demonstrating impaired capacity to do and think the way she used to, she still appears capable to most people who don't know her like we do)
-mobility issues (can't walk without a cane or a walker...standing straight for her looks like she's pivoted about 30degrees forward at the waist),
-weakness (she has about 1 bad fall a year which results in fractures and breaks resulting in home care),
-osteoporosis (Tscore -5.4),
-Vertigo (Meniere's),
-chronic nausea (wore a gravol patch for years),
-and of course uBPD.

 There's undoubtedly more I've forgotten.

Yesterday I stopped by her house to do something for her.  She said the only place she feels safe is in her car, because she doesn't have to walk.  She also said all those things about her doctor that I mentioned above.  Then she showed me a "script" someone had written for her. She was expecting a phone call back from the motor vehicle licensing branch because she was "telling her story" about all the things her doctor did wrong during the driver's medical and why it was unfair.  I asked "who's writing is this?"  It belonged to someone she has recruited to be a flying monkey for her.  She's not facing reality.  We have already talked about how hard it is to deal with change, and how hard it will be one day for H and I to give up our driver's license.  In that earlier conversation, I already pointed out that the doctor was simply doing his job, and filling out the medical form provided to him by the licensing branch, and it was ok to not be happy about how it went.  Nobody would feel good about that, and that was ok.  While she acknowledged it at the time and got quiet, it is giving her something to be angry about and act on, which energizes her, gives her a mission, and other people to blame.  She is in full blown victim mode, and it's giving her an adrenaline rush.

She responded with "when the going get's tough, the tough get going".  When she was telling me about "her doctor treating her like her dad did" and her doctor "having a temper", she was working herself up into her pre-tornado state.  Every muscle in her twisted body tensed, and she stuck out her lower jaw, and clamped her teeth so that her upper lip was on her thrust out lower jaw (like biting her lip) and her whole body was quivering.  The anger was so thick it could be cut with knives. The message to me was clear.  Support her, or have her rage thrust on me.  Whilst I was there, the phone rang and it was the motor vehicle licensing branch returning her call.  I excused myself and left so she could do what she had to do.  She texted me later feeling very empowered, because she had told her story, and it had all been  noted on her file.  The agent advised her not to worry, because they were so far behind with the pandemic, it would be months and months before she even got a letter.  

Meanwhile, she recently told me she wants to change her Will.  

I try to balance  between supporting her, while also trying to guide her towards reality.  I'm probably wasting my time with the latter.

H and I keep supporting her by looking after her house maintenance, doing her grocery shopping, bringing her meals, looking after her financial affairs and investments, solving her computer problems, taking her to appointments, and doing everything we can to assist her, while still trying to look after ourselves.  She texts us multiple times every day.  Sometimes it's to tell us how tired she is after having her toenails done.  Sometimes its to remind us we haven't done something for her.  Sometimes it's to say the supper I brought her tasted good.  I bring her small servings because she's had a lifelong eating disorder (forgot to mention that on the earlier medical list), and if I bring her servings that are too big, she gives them away or they may end up in the garbage. After telling me the lasagne was good, she also add's "that's all I ate".

I'm an only child.  There is no other family.

Meanwhile, her flying monkey has started leaving me messages "_____ asked me to call you and tell you_________".  If/when I ever see her, I will suggest she remind mom she can pass those messages on to me firsthand.

Just unbelievable.  Having a not so great day.  Gonna go do some yoga.  While yoga helps me cope, and can give temporary relief, I also know my mom and her toxic behavior is only going to get worse as her health conditions get worse.  She will NEVER accepted assisted living.  My H says (and I agree) that it will be a critical fall or stroke that puts her over the edge into complex care.  Once there, she will be one of those people who strikes out at everyone, and is mean and hateful because she is angry and wants vengeance for being "put in a home".

Be mindful and live in the present.  I know.  It all just hurts so much.  It doesn't have to be this way.  But the BPD makes it this way.  All this started because her doctor was just doing his job.  Doing his job conflicts with having her needs met, which was to sign off on her driver's medical and say she was fit and healthy for driving, with no road test needed.

[Methuen]

My 85 yr old uBPD mom recently saw her Dr for a driver's medical.  I wasn't at the appointment, but I think she failed it.  She told me she "wants a new doctor." "Her doctor treats her like her dad did." "Her doctor has a temper."  "Her doctor made her cry."  He told her she has to take a road test.

I live in a small town (6 min away from her). I have the same doctor.  He has an excellent reputation, and amongst the townspeople, if he is your doctor "you are lucky".

My mom has all of the following:
-impaired vision due to macular degeneration (she's already had a consult with a rep from the blind institute, but with new glasses and reading assists, can read a book in large print again)
-hearing loss (I have to repeat things even when she has her hearing aids in),
- TIA's (the new normal is she has a hard time getting her words out because of the TIA's)
- heart issues (she's on meds not sure of exact diagnosois)
- Parkinson's
- anxiety
- ADHD
- uPTSD
- dementia (2015 CAT scan showed binswangers, and although she's demonstrating impaired capacity to do and think the way she used to, she still appears capable to most people who don't know her like we do)
-mobility issues (can't walk without a cane or a walker...standing straight for her looks like she's pivoted about 30degrees forward at the waist),
-weakness (she has about 1 bad fall a year which results in fractures and breaks resulting in home care),
-osteoporosis (Tscore -5.4),
-Vertigo (Meniere's),
-chronic nausea (wore a gravol patch for years),
-and of course uBPD.

 There's undoubtedly more I've forgotten.

Yesterday I stopped by her house to do something for her.  She said the only place she feels safe is in her car, because she doesn't have to walk.  She also said all those things about her doctor that I mentioned above.  Then she showed me a "script" someone had written for her. She was expecting a phone call back from the motor vehicle licensing branch because she was "telling her story" about all the things her doctor did wrong during the driver's medical and why it was unfair.  I asked "who's writing is this?"  It belonged to someone she has recruited to be a flying monkey for her.  She's not facing reality.  We have already talked about how hard it is to deal with change, and how hard it will be one day for H and I to give up our driver's license.  In that earlier conversation, I already pointed out that the doctor was simply doing his job, and filling out the medical form provided to him by the licensing branch, and it was ok to not be happy about how it went.  Nobody would feel good about that, and that was ok.  While she acknowledged it at the time and got quiet, it is giving her something to be angry about and act on, which energizes her, gives her a mission, and other people to blame.  She is in full blown victim mode, and it's giving her an adrenaline rush.

She responded with "when the going get's tough, the tough get going".  When she was telling me about "her doctor treating her like her dad did" and her doctor "having a temper", she was working herself up into her pre-tornado state.  Every muscle in her twisted body tensed, and she stuck out her lower jaw, and clamped her teeth so that her upper lip was on her thrust out lower jaw (like biting her lip) and her whole body was quivering.  The anger was so thick it could be cut with knives. The message to me was clear.  Support her, or have her rage thrust on me.  Whilst I was there, the phone rang and it was the motor vehicle licensing branch returning her call.  I excused myself and left so she could do what she had to do.  She texted me later feeling very empowered, because she had told her story, and it had all been  noted on her file.  The agent advised her not to worry, because they were so far behind with the pandemic, it would be months and months before she even got a letter.  

Meanwhile, she recently told me she wants to change her Will.  

I try to balance  between supporting her, while also trying to guide her towards reality.  I'm probably wasting my time with the latter.

H and I keep supporting her by looking after her house maintenance, doing her grocery shopping, bringing her meals, looking after her financial affairs and investments, solving her computer problems, taking her to appointments, and doing everything we can to assist her, while still trying to look after ourselves.  She texts us multiple times every day.  Sometimes it's to tell us how tired she is after having her toenails done.  Sometimes its to remind us we haven't done something for her.  Sometimes it's to say the supper I brought her tasted good.  I bring her small servings because she's had a lifelong eating disorder (forgot to mention that on the earlier medical list), and if I bring her servings that are too big, she gives them away or they may end up in the garbage. After telling me the lasagne was good, she also add's "that's all I ate".

I'm an only child.  There is no other family.

Meanwhile, her flying monkey has started leaving me messages "_____ asked me to call you and tell you_________".  If/when I ever see her, I will suggest she remind mom she can pass those messages on to me firsthand.

Just unbelievable.  Having a not so great day.  Gonna go do some yoga.  While yoga helps me cope, and can give temporary relief, I also know my mom and her toxic behavior is only going to get worse as her health conditions get worse.  She will NEVER accepted assisted living.  My H says (and I agree) that it will be a critical fall or stroke that puts her over the edge into complex care.  Once there, she will be one of those people who strikes out at everyone, and is mean and hateful because she is angry and wants vengeance for being "put in a home".

Be mindful and live in the present.  I know.  It all just hurts so much.  It doesn't have to be this way.  But the BPD makes it this way.  All this started because her doctor was just doing his job.  Doing his job conflicts with having her needs met, which was to sign off on her driver's medical and say she was fit and healthy for driving, with no road test needed.

[pursuingJoy]

oh M. Hugs to you. I agree that you're not likely to be successful in guiding her towards reality. Not looking forward to the chaos it will create when my MIL approaches this stage.

Don't take on her emotions, M. Just because she's angry and anxious doesn't mean you need to feel that way too. 

After telling me the lasagne was good, she also add's "that's all I ate".

For some reason this comment irks me. It's like a constant drip drip that never stops - even in response to something nice, she has to bring it back to her frailty. Sometimes I want an eye roll emoji.

Meanwhile, her flying monkey has started leaving me messages "_____ asked me to call you and tell you_________".  If/when I ever see her, I will suggest she remind mom she can pass those messages on to me firsthand.

Yeah no, person-who-is-over-involved, you can communicate directly with the individual you're trying to help. Can you call this person and express your preference that she talk directly to your mom?

My H says (and I agree) that it will be a critical fall or stroke that puts her over the edge into complex care. 

This will be my MIL too. Sigh.

[GaGrl]

Such a difficult period...you've been there awhile and seen the worst of it coming. It definitely will continue to get worse.

Much of the medical condition report by the doctor will hinge on the macular degeneration. Eventually, your mom will lose central sight and have only peripheral vision. My mom was virtually blind ,5-6 years after being diagnosed with macular degeneration. She was extremely frustrated by its limitations. Still, and made the decision to quit driving on her own (glad I didn't have to convince her!).

I would let her doctors be the bearers of bad news.

[Woolspinner2000]

Methuen,

What a time of turmoil for you! I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it is to be faced with the thought of losing your ability to drive, but it really sounds like she shouldn't be driving. Her reaction reminds me so much of my uBPDm. Any perceived threat to take away any of her independence or put her in a place where she wouldn't be seen in a good light would be akin to war against her. I once told my T that it's like they become a hurricane force gale and there's no place to get safe from those rages.

The best you can do is let the doctor and others in authority take the brunt of the force, and for you to stay as safe as you can and out of the line of fire.

Is it possible for you to always have someone with you when you go to see your mom from now on? Perhaps someone she likes? Typically those with BPD won't unload on you if you're with someone that thinks she's wonderful. It might be a good protection for you. A pwBPD doesn't often show their true colors to those outside of the family. At least that's how my mom was.

 
Wools

[GaGrl]

Although my mom had a few BPD traits, she was not nearly as difficult as her uBPD/NPD stepmother eventually was re: aging. My mom trusted that I would act in her best interest. All accounts were joint with me, and she had put funds in my name to be used for her elder care.

What I found most difficult was not taking it personally when she was frustrated and rebelled at her restrictions. She had a lot of free-floating anger, not aimed at me per se but definitely creating a tense and angry atmosphere.

I learned to validate better in dealing with my mom than with any other relationship. (Fortunately, I'm not the one who deals with H's ex, aka The Dark Princess, but God help my stepdaughter when her mother ages.)

[Notwendy]

Methuen-

I understand the dynamics even though my mother doesn't live near me- so she has other people do some of the things you and your H do for your mother. I honestly don't think I could do all that you two do as often as you do them. My mother treats her home health helpers, and her own kids like this too. It's interesting to see her engage in the same dynamics with them as she does us, but it's also demoralizing to not have your efforts acknowledged.

My parents have been cared for by the same doctor for decades. I have known him for a while since I did go to some appointments with my father as my father got older to help him recall what to do. It's interesting that my father was open about his medical care with us. BPD mom was not. It's only recently that she signed consents for him to speak to us. But like you, I know her doctor has a good reputation.

However, BPD mom has been telling me how terrible he is and how she thinks she's getting terrible medical care. She's not. What's interesting is that one of her family members called me recently during the time she said she wasn't feeling well to ask about it, and I replied that I think her doctor has treated the problem and it seems to be getting better.  The reply was interesting. " but the doctor is incompetent isn't he?" To that, I replied " not at all, he's a good doctor". So she's been telling them the same thing.

She also tells me how terrible her home health helpers are, and then when we visit, we also got to hear about how we upset her too and I get your frustration because this is how she perceives things- and we can not change that.

I understand the concerns about the driving. We had similar fears about my father driving when he was older. My mother doesn't drive.  We did try to intervene and there was nothing we could do about it but pray nobody is harmed by it. That's in the hands of the legal system. BPD mom also feels empowered when she tells someone off and they go along with her- receptionists don't want to deal with that.

My mother also would not accept an assisted living situation. She's not going to comply with that. You and your H are far more helpful to your mother than I am.  When I do help, it's demoralizing and I know it has to feel that way for you since you do so much. I know it's not personal though. It's sad to know that this is how she perceives things.

Take care of you  

[GaGrl]

Methuen, do you think your mother is trying to maneuver you into having her life with you? You may need to clarify again to her that isn't an option.

[Notwendy]

The difficulty with this situation ( like my mother as well) is that, emotionally they need the constant attention and supervision of a small child, but are also legal adults and are used to having the control that a legal adult has.

What my mother needs emotionally is constant attention and someone to attend to her needs at all times. One would not leave a toddler unsupervised. But with a toddler, the adult is in control. With my mother, it's the opposite, she's in control and prefers to tell others what to do.

Comparatively speaking, the material needs are easier to meet than the emotional needs. My mother has a place to live, she has food, clothing, health care. It's the huge and constant ( and seemingly impossible to meet) emotional needs that are challenging.

Methuen, you are providing a lot of needs for your mother and I understand it would feel good to know that it has meaning, but I think the emotional needs are overwhelming. I think we can only do the best we can reasonably do.

[Turkish]

She sounds like she shouldn't be driving. The last time my mom visited us in the city, I had to physically stop her truck from rolling backwards when she put in the clutch or it would have hit the car parked behind her.

Two to three years later, I didn't have the guts to call DMV to lodge a complaint, but a few people in her small mountain community did, and she was sent a notice to get tested, which she failed. She parked the truck and took the bus.

I knew that she no longer should have been driving, yet I felt like I would have been betraying her if I'd turned her in. Even anonymously, I should have, to keep others safe.

[Methuen]

Thanks everyone for the support and the hugs.

Don't take on her emotions, M. Just because she's angry and anxious doesn't mean you need to feel that way too.  

Thanks PJ.  I know this, but because I'm in the eye of the storm, the reminder is good for me. I needed that.

After telling me the lasagne was good, she also add's "that's all I ate".  For some reason this comment irks me. It's like a constant drip drip that never stops - even in response to something nice, she has to bring it back to her frailty.

Thanks for "getting it".  I get a daily dose of this  .  Really.  I ignore all of it.  But it still wears me down.  

Much of the medical condition report by the doctor will hinge on the macular degeneration. Eventually, your mom will lose central sight and have only peripheral vision.

One would think.  Mom's been getting macular degeneration shots in both eyes for over 5 years now.  I drive her to those appointments.  They're difficult for her because she's such a nervous person, and her "shaking" gets worse, making it harder for the doctor to give her the shots in her eye.  The way mom described it, it was probably both a cognitive test, and maybe a motor skill test she failed.  The first test had numbers (1-26) and letters (A-Z) and she had to match them.  She said she couldn't do it because she couldn't see it.  Who knows if that was the problem.  It's also possible she didn't get the pattern until after it was over, or he explained it.  The second test he had her hold something with her Parkinson's hand (the one that shakes constantly), and then she couldn't articulate to me what she was supposed to do with it.  But she was MAD as H_ _ _ _ that he had her do that test.  She thought it was terribly unfair.

Any perceived threat to take away any of her independence or put her in a place where she wouldn't be seen in a good light would be akin to war against her.

Bingo! WAR!  And my borderline just loves a good fight.  It energizes her and gives her an adrenaline rush.  

The best you can do is let the doctor and others in authority take the brunt of the force, and for you to stay as safe as you can and out of the line of fire.

Agreed.  The doctor is doing his job, and I'm just going to quietly let this play out, and protect myself as best as I can.

Is it possible for you to always have someone with you when you go to see your mom from now on?  Perhaps someone she likes? A pwBPD doesn't often show their true colors to those outside of the family.

This is helpful.  I've been doing this to a degree for almost two years already, when my mom is dysregulating. The person most willing and available is my H.  I really don't have anyone else I can ask.  Her friends are all as old as she is, and have their own issues, so I don't want to impose.  There's an ick factor to asking my friends.  I have a lot of gratitude for having an H who is so understanding, supportive, and helpful.  

She also tells me how terrible her home health helpers are, and then when we visit, we also got to hear about how we upset her too and I get your frustration because this is how she perceives things- and we can not change that.

Isn't this the truth.

Methuen, do you think your mother is trying to maneuver you into having her life with you?

Even if she's not intentionally maneuvering, it's still a goal. This is a nonstarter.  H has told her "No" in the past.  He will do so again if she brings it up. She's tested me with less direct conversations, but I will NEVER take that bait.

The difficulty with this situation ( like my mother as well) is that, emotionally they need the constant attention and supervision of a small child, but are also legal adults and are used to having the control that a legal adult has.

This is spot on.  Thanks for articulating it.

I didn't have the guts to call DMV to lodge a complaint, but a few people in her small mountain community did, and she was sent a notice to get tested, which she failed. She parked the truck and took the bus.

I am curious about her parking the truck and taking the bus.  Did she do this without a big fight?  My mom is too handicapped to take the bus.  It would be far too much effort, and most importantly, she doesn't want anyone to see how much she struggles.  Image, right?  Instead she gets her needs met by obligating people to take her where she wants/needs to go, even now when she still has her license to drive.  She also benefits from the attention of having someone she likes come to pick her up.

S26 has been home for a week on a working visit (he can work remotely).  Yesterday we took a drive for an outing for the day.  The separation from mom was fantastic for me.  Everytime thoughts of her crept into my mind, I pushed them away and focussed on being in the moment.  That happened quite a few times.  She's taking up a lot of real estate in my brain.

The support you are all offering is really helpful.  Thank goodness for this community.

[GaGrl]

Is it possible for you to have a conversation with her ophthalmologist about her ability to drive? If you state your concern with a few exampkes, the doctor might take the lead on that at the next appointment.

My mom took a four-month series of eye injections before she admitted they didn't help enough for her to continue driving. She then had a caregiver two days a week to take her to appointments.

Another thought -- would she tolerate (or vice versa) a live-in caregiver -- room and board plus a small salary for X hours of caregiving a week?

[Turkish]

I was 130 miles away so I'm not sure how recalcitrant she was about having her license revoked. Months later after I picked her up to live with us and had my buddy take her truck to his house so it wouldn't get stolen, she said we'd stolen it and got into my face and threatened me with a lawyer.

[Methuen]

Is it possible for you to have a conversation with her ophthalmologist about her ability to drive?

My mom took a four-month series of eye injections before she admitted they didn't help enough for her to continue driving. She then had a caregiver two days a week to take her to appointments.

Another thought -- would she tolerate (or vice versa) a live-in caregiver -- room and board plus a small salary for X hours of caregiving a week?

I've thought about having a convo with her ophthalmologist, but since I've already had conversations with her doctor (and he has just recently done a medical and recommended she do a driving test before a license renewal), I've decided I'm not comfortable with the risk.  Her doctor is onto her driving because of multiple disclosures I have made to him. The ophthalmologist has no knowledge of the dynamic, and if she absentmindedly commented to mom "I've heard you are still driving", life as I know it now would be over.  This kind of slip should never happen I know, but once bit, twice shy.  It's happened to me in the past, many years ago.  I'm just too fearful of the potential for things to go bad.  It's bad enough now.

I'm curious - the caregiver that drove your mom to appointments, was that a friend who volunteered, or was it provided through  insurance monies, or did she pay for it?

As for paid caregiving, that is going to be an option.  Live-in really isn't an option, because her house is very small (she has a fettish for all things small) with only 2 bedrooms, and the second bedroom is her "craft" room, although she isn't really strong enough to do much with her crafts any more.  Home care or paid caregiving are probably the best options.

The problem is that as BPD, she will view my not doing all those things for her, as not loving her enough.  She has issues with not feeling lovable - in my opinion.  She has told me many stories of adult children who "have taken such good care of their parents".  One of them committed suicide recently, about a year after her mother died.  My mom's interpretation of that is that her life wasn't worth living without her mother any more.  I could tell she liked that narrative.  It felt like a direct challenge to me.

Since the blow out with her doctor, she seems to be spiralling.  She's not eating.  Her stomach is acting up.  She's nauseated all the time.  Two days ago, S26, H and I went for a drive for a day.  Yesterday she told me she had driven to town to get her Andansetron (anti-emetic) for her nausea (the day we were gone).  She had to wait 20 min. at one place, and 20 min at another place.  "It killed her".  S26 was visiting her yesterday afternoon.  She was so nauseated, S26 said she couldn't stand up.  So she took an andansetron.  She said to me (when we were at her house later cs we brought supper to have with her and S26 at her request) "Andansetron is the drug they use for cancer treatment patients".  The message was clear to me on several levels.  It was said very deliberately.

I have been down this road with her so many times before with the nausea.  About 4 years ago, she wore a gravol patch on her neck for about 2 years straight.  She has a prescription for Pantaprazole (for her stomach), but I suspect she may have stopped taking it some time ago, because last night she said "she was going to have to go back to looking after her stomach".  I never know what she's up to because she doesn't know how to talk straight, and she doesn't normally tell the truth.  Her "truth" is whatever she wants you to hear.

Turkish, your story about your mother accusing you of stealing her truck doesn't surprise me.  I see creeping signs of paranoia in my mom.

[GaGrl]

Methuen, my parents had a woman from their church start housecleaning for them about 12 years ago, just one day a week. As they aged and needed more help, she was available as needed. She was a CNA and was able to help with meds and my dad's oxygen.

We had bought our retirement house but knew we wouldn't move into it for 3-5 years, but hoped we could persuade my parents to sell their house and move into our retirement house, which was much closer to their doctors than the rural area they lived. But no way Dad was going to move (talk about stubborn). So after he died at age 93 in home hospice, Mom did sell and move into our house. At that time, the caregiver started coming to the house two half-days a week. Dad left Mom financially secure, so she paid for the combination of cleaning, laundry, driving, shopping, and some personal care like help with showers. We had not retired yet and lived 360 miles away.

After Mom came out of rehab into home health, we upped the caregiver to five mornings a week. I could not have handled it by myself. We had retired and cared for Mom for two years by then -- the physical demand doubled after her hospital ization.

Once a doctor certifies a patient as hospice ready, Medicare pays for much more, but the caregiving cost is still on the patient. I could not have done it by myself.

This is where long-term care policies are so valuable.

[Turkish]

She accused me of stealing her money which was investigated by APS, and my kids of getting into her portable file expander and stealing things. It's hard to feel betrayed even if there is a medical explanation.

[Notwendy]

Turkish, I agree. When my mother makes false accusations, it's very demoralizing. I think it's more a way of maintaining control. She doesn't want to share her financial information with us, so she accuses us of wanting her money because when she does this, we back off because the accusation is offensive to us.

We have an interest in knowing that she has adequate finances, because we know that dad left her with a comfortable income, and she has a history of excessive spending. We would like to see it go to her needs. The cost of care is considerable. When we do help her, she's verbally abusive and non cooperative. It's better that she hires people to do that.

This is different than helping an elderly and sometimes irritable parent. I recall helping my mother in law and she got a bit snippy with me. I imagine it wasn't comfortable needing someone to help and having to ask me. This wasn't her usual demeanor and I knew that. I can handle this kind of irritability. I know this can be common with elderly people.

With my mother, it's different, it's cruel and hurtful, name calling and humiliating. it's not an accidental slip when being upset. It's intentional.  One can only tolerate this kind of verbal abuse so much. Although she gets into these dynamics with her home helpers, it's less than when with us.

She knows we don't want to take her money. However, we would like to know she's doing OK financially. We realize she won't share that information with us for whatever reason, and accusing us of wanting to take it is her way of keeping us from asking.

[Methuen]

Update: after her doctor's appt where she failed the driver's medical, I suggested she could think about booking some driver's lessons to give her confidence and then do the exam.  She was all over that, and even called the driving school.  She was reactive, and determined to show the doctor he was wrong.

Today she said "I can't do a driving exam".  It only took her two weeks to process that.

The truth is she probably couldn't have done a driving exam 30 years ago.  Today she struggled to make a phone call for an appointment. Her nerves are so shot, the stress of phoning to make an appointment was too much (she has a Parkinson shake in her right arm which gets worse when she's excited or nervous), so she stuttered and couldn't get her words out (related to TIA damage).  She had to try 3 times (3 different phone calls).  She has difficulty explaining what she wants.  She isn't really living in the reality of her condition, so I supported her by being there beside her, but not doing it for her.  It was difficult to watch.  But I commended her for getting it done at the end.  She managed to navigate a phone call to get her vaccine passport recently, so when she wants something, and there's no one there to boss around to do it for her, she gets it done.  She wants to live independently, and refuses to consider assisted living, which she qualified for a few years ago.  It feels like tough love with her, but she is so difficult and impossible, I feel I have no choice but to encourage her to demonstrate her independence (eg make her own phone call), and not enable her dependence (make the phone call for her which is what she wanted me to do)...

The truth is, she's been living assisted for years, thanks to us (and to some degree from other people she knows).

After that, the next thing out of her mouth was "______(friend) is 91 and Dr ____ (same Dr as mom) passed her on her driver's medical!"  

She's still blaming the Dr for indirectly taking away her driver's license.

Later, the phone rings.  Her landline is two steps away from the chair she is sitting in.  But she asks me to go get her portable phone from the living room because she forgot to bring it into the kitchen with her walker.  She's essentially too lazy to walk 2 steps.  I said "Mom, your phone is two steps away." So she got up and took the two steps to answer her phone.  But it wasn't lost on me that she would rather order me into another room to fetch her portable, rather than take two steps to answer the landline, simply because I was there.  If I wasn't there, she would do what needed to be done to answer her phone.

She has fooled herself into believing she can drive as well as anybody.  She brags about her driving, and said she hasn't had an accident in her life.  That's a really big stretch, but I let it go.  What's the point?  Add to the conflict?   Heck no!  She has had numerous encounters with trees, other vehicles (including hit and run on her friend's car which a different friend told me about, but mom never took responsibility for) throughout her life etc.  Thankfully she's hit just about everything except a person.  But for some years now, she can't even turn her head to do shoulder checks any more.  Getting in and out of her car is a chore.  

Her awareness, processing time, reaction time, decision making...?

H and I think she will just let it slide - do nothing with the exam, and keep blaming the doctor.  It may be months before dept of motor vehicles mails her a notice to book a driving exam to have her license renewed (Covid backlog).  Whenever it finally comes, she will do nothing.  She absolutely doesn't have the emotional capacity to do a driving exam, much pass all the required physical skills.

While I can't be sure, I suspect she hasn't driven since her doctor's appt.  The truth is, she hardly drives at all anymore.  She says it's too hard to gas up her own car, so she asks our son (golden child) to gas it up when he comes home for visits.  He's gassed it up about twice this year.  She didn't drive all last winter because she doesn't drive in the snow.  She started getting lost in the dark over 10 years ago, so she stopped driving in the dark too.  At least those were good decisions, but they're driven by her fear, not by rational thinking, or any awareness of her own abilities.

Meanwhile, at the end of the visit today, she said "if it wasn't for you I would ask for euthanasia".  

It was another terrible visit.  Kind of at my wits end.  



 

[pursuingJoy]

She managed to navigate a phone call to get her vaccine passport recently, so when she wants something, and there's no one there to boss around to do it for her, she gets it done.

This stands out. It is SO true of my MIL. She's a hot mess when there's a witness then finds energy reserves to pull of the 'impossible' when there isn't someone around to help.

Love that you're setting even small boundaries, like not picking up the phone for her, but is there any way to actually reduce the amount of time you're with her, at least temporarily? Can you claim illness (mental health, not that she needs to know that) and tag your husband or someone else in for a week or two until you feel better? I hear the anxiety and exhaustion and boy have I been there. Your nervous system needs a break, M. 

Meanwhile, at the end of the visit today, she said "if it wasn't for you I would ask for euthanasia".  

This just made my blood boil. What an awful thing to say to your child, and it's not even true. She exhibits MORE capacity when you're not there. So wrong.

[Notwendy]

I think losing the ability to drive is a huge blow to self image. Remember the excitement of getting the license- it meant independence. Losing it is the reverse of that, a visible sign of dependence and loss of control.

My BPD mother has not driven in years, yet still keeps a license and a car. We don't dare mention that she doesn't drive it, she gets furious, insists she could drive if she wants to. She hasn't, so we leave it at that.

Our mothers are similar in that, if someone else is there, she becomes helpless, but she's quite good at getting what she wants done, either herself of having someone else do things. But if I am there, I need to be waiting on her. Stairs are not easy for her but she can do them. Last time I was there, she asked me to come upstairs with her and at the top of the stairs, asked me to do down to the kitchen to get her water and bring it back up. Of course, I was not going to have her go down stairs and then up again for water, so I would do it, but I did wonder if she did that on purpose- waited for me to be upstairs to  ask.

Of course, it's not a big deal to bring an elderly parent water, or make a phone call. I would do that for anyone really. It's the dynamics of being ordered around. It fills some emotional need for her to have me be subservient to her, and that on some level makes these requests irritating. Visits with her consist of her telling me things to do for her. I don't mind helping, but it's the whole of the visit, as if it defines our relationship to her. She controls what we do when I visit.

That last comment, ew. I would not say anything back but it's upsetting.

[zachira]

Methuen,
The things your mother does to you and what she says to you are hurtful beyond words. I have found the only thing that really allowed me to heal fully from certain incidences in my life and not be so upset by the latest round of cruel behaviors of my family members was EMDR therapy. I was very sad when my therapist decided to not do EMDR anymore because too many clients were too dysregulated by it. A lot of what your mother says and does, are other forms of moving the goal posts so she can control you, yet the underlying messages seem to be similar.

[pursuingJoy]

Of course, it's not a big deal to bring an elderly parent water, or make a phone call. I would do that for anyone really. It's the dynamics of being ordered around. It fills some emotional need for her to have me be subservient to her, and that on some level makes these requests irritating. Visits with her consist of her telling me things to do for her. I don't mind helping, but it's the whole of the visit, as if it defines our relationship to her. She controls what we do when I visit.

I love the way you put this NW.

[Methuen]

PJ and NW

Meanwhile, at the end of the visit today, she said "if it wasn't for you I would ask for euthanasia".  

This just made my blood boil. What an awful thing to say to your child, and it's not even true.
That last comment, ew.

Until I joined this forum, I didn't really know the things my mother said to me weren't normal, because I was just so used to them, and she was "mom".  I just knew they made me feel bad, and I also knew I would never say things like that to other people.  It gives me relief to know you had reactions to this comment too.  Thank you for validating...  

Zachira:

The things your mother does to you and what she says to you are hurtful beyond words.

Thank you for this.  Again the validation is so helpful.  On another note, I am sorry to hear that your T has discontinued the EMDR therapy, which you found so helpful.  It is curious that s/he has discontinued it with all his/her clients, even though other clients such as yourself found it so helpful. I've read up on it a few times, and it seems an accepted therapy.

Of course, it's not a big deal to bring an elderly parent water, or make a phone call. I would do that for anyone really. It's the dynamics of being ordered around. It fills some emotional need for her to have me be subservient to her, and that on some level makes these requests irritating. Visits with her consist of her telling me things to do for her. I don't mind helping, but it's the whole of the visit, as if it defines our relationship to her. She controls what we do when I visit.

It's absolutely about control.  Whilst I'm getting better at setting boundaries, using SET and validation... etc. to manage her feelings and controlling behavior, I still make slips which I'm not even aware of in the moment, and fall back into trying to be the daughter she wants.

Very recently, she told me she wanted a DNR on her medical file.  
Me: how will you do that?
Mom: you call the doctor for an appt.
Me: I can help you make the appt.

Later -
Me to H: When I help her make the appt, can I make it for a Thursday? (I work on Thursday, and this means H would take her to Dr).
H: Yes

Next-
About a week later, I assisted mom with the phone call to make the appt, the doctor's office offered a Thursday.  I replied that I worked that day, so could we do it any other day?

As I reflect on this, I suspect that I fell back into caretaking mode (which I've been programmed to do over a lifetime), and I "lost" the awareness I had to schedule a Thursday appt so that H could take her.  Did I just completely forgot about it because I slipped back into caretaking mode?  

How does that even happen?  It's not like I don't know better. I'm just stunned (and annoyed) that it even happened.  Is this programming?  Brainwashing?  

Getting back to control...

So now the appointment is on a Monday, but it's a phone appt (his nurse said this could be done by phone).  H can still go so that mom can't put me in the position of demanding "I tell the Dr she wants a DNR".  What could the optics of that be?  But now I have lost my excuse of being at work that day.  I think this is a demonstration of just how much power she still has over me, and how I was groomed into the caretaking role as a child, a young adult, and throughout my whole life.  I have worked so hard at detaching with love, and setting boundaries and learning to take care of myself, but I slipped up big time, and had zero awareness of it in that moment.  Reflecting, it's just unbelievable I screwed that up...

[Notwendy]

Caring for an elderly parent is an important ethical value.  It's an expectation of society and also major religions. The difference in our families is the degree of co-dependency we were conditioned with, to be a caregiver to the point of neglecting ourselves. I think with a normal parent- child relationship, there'd be some reciprocal caring. Not caregiving at this point, but some genuine concern on the part of the parent for the adult child's well being so that the adult child is not expected to neglect their own basic needs to provide care for the parent.

I also fully expected to help my parents. What made me consider the situation was a complete lack of concern for my own physical well being when my father was ill. They did not care if I got sleep, or had to drive after not getting enough sleep. They did not care that I left my own children with a sitter to come help them. I would have done this regardless but at some point I needed to get home to the children. I know this was a stressful time for them and didn't expect much but there was no acting like I was a daughter to them/

Not that I expected gratitude, but instead there was so much verbal and emotional abuse, I began to feel physically affected. And no matter what I did, it was not enough. I realized that no matter what I did, it would not ever be enough.

I learned through working on co-dependency that I was allowed to take care of myself and that while it's a good thing to help- we are not required to allow people to abuse us.

I began having boundaries and they were angry about it. I was sad to disappoint my father. I didn't want to do that. Like you, Methuen, I grew up thinking the way we were was "normal".

[Methuen]

is there any way to actually reduce the amount of time you're with her, at least temporarily?

So, the last visit was Wednesday, and it was a terrible visit.  Thursday I worked.  Yesterday was a chore and project day at home.  Today I received this text:

Mom:  "I gathered up a bucket of plums, and missed falling so many time.  They were perfect and there are still some on the tree.  I can't risk falling."

This just makes me boil with frustration.  What she is telling us, is that we haven't picked her plums yet for her.  Two years ago she fell under her plum tree and was in a wheelchair for 3 months healing from multiple fractures.  We've been picking her  plums for 15 years.  We're busy.  We also need a break...

 Help!  Do I ignore this?  What should I say?

[Notwendy]

Isn't that a passive no win statement.

Perhaps it's time to consider hiring out some of the tasks you do. It will cost some, but if you can do it, I think it will help you keep some boundaries. Someone could mow her lawn, pick her plums and do some of these tasks that you do.

Once there was a family event and I knew that my mother would need assistance. I was willing to help, but I imagined that she would need someone with her the whole time, and if I did it, I would miss most of it- I would not be able to see other family members or friends, or enjoy the dinner conversation as I would need to be meeting my mother's needs. I feared she would not accept any other help, but I found a nice companion, a few years younger than she is, who assists elderly people. This lady was wonderful and got along well with my mother. She could assist my mother with basic needs, which allowed me to visit with everyone, including my mother.

I am so glad I made that decision and it was well worth the expense for those few hours.

What can you hire out? Consider this an investment in your well being. Nice if your mother would contribute to regular care, but for the occasional assistance with tasks like lawn mowing, plum picking, maybe consider hiring someone to do that?

[GaGrl]

"I agree, Mom, you can't risk a fall. Since you got a Hicksville yourself, why don't you call _______ and ________ and tell them they can pick as many as they can use?"

[Turkish]

I know there are orange pickers on poles. Is there something similar for plums?

I remember telling my mom to stay off her roof to tarp it.  That was risky enough for me and my buddy (slippery, and the apex on the 1 story was high). Gravity doesn't care about tough old broads (as my mom used to refer to herself).

It was repeated falls and calls to EMS that resulted in the APS worker removing her from her property to regime into a single story strip motel room. It was actually nice, next to a creek.

[zachira]

All these stories sound so much like things my mother with BPD did. My mother had a badly injured leg she refused to keep elevated, despite the doctor telling her she could lose her leg. Eventually the doctor put her in a nursing home for couple of weeks with the staff continually reminding her to keep her leg elevated.

[Methuen]

we were conditioned to be a caregiver to the point of neglecting ourselves. I think with a normal parent- child relationship, there'd be some reciprocal caring. Not caregiving at this point, but some genuine concern on the part of the parent for the adult child's well being so that the adult child is not expected to neglect their own basic needs to provide care for the parent.

 Yes.  I would assume my mom cares about me, but there is nothing in her words or behavior that demonstrates this.  I have stopped looking for it.  I once shared with her that whilst she has back problems, they didn't start until she was in her 70's.  Mine started in my 50's - twenty years earlier.  Instead of empathy, I got a look that said "why are you telling me this?"  Of course she would have found that invalidating, but I didn't know about BPD back then, and had no clue about her disease.  My mom's demands and FOG are all about her needs.  It all equates to love.  If we don't do something she wants on time, we don't love her enough.  

We ignored her text for now.  To buy time.  H said he will tell her that she can invite her friends or their families to pick her plums.  Thanks GaGrl.  Such a simple solution, but being inside the eye of the storm, I couldn't think of it...

I know there are orange pickers on poles. Is there something similar for plums?

This made me laugh a little bit Turkish.  Thank you for that.  If my mom looked up, she would fall over.  That's how bad her balance is.  She can't stand still unsupported any more.

I remember telling my mom to stay off her roof to tarp it.  That was risky enough for me and my buddy (slippery, and the apex on the 1 story was high).

This sounds like my mom. Their brain isn't wired up to think or care about consequences right?  My mom is such a hazard to herself too.  Several years ago, home care suggested she get a Lifeline as she lives independently in her home.  She got the Lifeline, but has refused to ever wear it.  It sits in a drawer.

It was repeated falls and calls to EMS that resulted in the APS worker removing her from her property to regime into a single story strip motel room. It was actually nice, next to a creek.

 My mom would say "I walk to the creek every day".  I can't fall in.

Perhaps it's time to consider hiring out some of the tasks you do.

You are right, I think it is time to do more of this.  She already has a housekeeper, and a gardener.  We do everything else, and I wouldn't mind doing them, but the passive/aggressive and controlling texts and comments are becoming too much alongside all we do.  It's clear that despite everything we do, it's never enough.  In her mind, doing less (eg not picking the plums we've always picked) will equate to her not being loved.  Being "abandoned".

My mother had a badly injured leg she refused to keep elevated, despite the doctor telling her she could lose her leg.

Yep.  My mom too, has spent her life doing "what she wants", rather than what is safe, healthy, right, or simply good decision making.  

Mom has really been inside my head more than usual since she failed the driver's medical exam.  I'm having trouble sleeping again.  I'm doing my self care, but this stretch is tough.  D24 called home last night after FaceTiming with her gramma, who disclosed she had failed her driver's medical.  She's two clinicals away from finishing her physiotherapy degree.  Everyone agrees that it's just a waiting game for the next catastrophic fall, and then dealing with the aftermath.  She will blame everyone around her, which translates to more abuse.

It's hard to manage the anxiety, and not let her take up real estate in my brain.  The whole situation is going to keep getting worse.  It's like the train is racing towards an oncoming train, and the brake is not working, and there is nothing to do but wait for it, and then deal with the crash.
 

[Notwendy]

Yep.  My mom too, has spent her life doing "what she wants", rather than what is safe, healthy, right, or simply good decision making.  


I understand and your train analogy is how we have thought about it too. We have tried to be proactive and yet, she does what she wants, when she wants, and we don't really know much about what she does. We realize that we just don't have the ability to manage what she does, and so hope for the best and realize we are dealing with an unknown situation.

It is anxiety producing as it's now how we'd manage things. It's also an example of why assisted living is not a workable option and really, it's their choice. I think what is needed for you is to decide what you can do for her and what needs to be hired out.

It's interesting that you have no signs of caring from your mother. I don't either but I no longer believe she cares either. I respect that she is my mother, and that ethically that relationship is significant, but I don't have any expectations that she feels a connection with me. I don't wish any harm to her, I hope she stays well, and I will do what I can for her, but she's in charge of her decisions.