Saying goodbye to the façade I loved

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been stuck with the question "how could I love someone that was like this to me?" for a while, but last night I looked through some old photos and videos from the relationship, she was so excitable, happy-go-lucky and endearing. She was great with my family overseas and I have some snapchats saved of her talking to them. That's who I fell in love with. She changed, not me. There were many flags early on, but the personality and love made it worth it. Then she started to split, and became horrible. I think there were more bad times than good, and I spent most of the relationship trying to get the good times back while she treated more and more poorly. I did not know what those flags meant, I wasn't even aware of personality disorders, she just said she had anxiety.

The façade I fell in love with went away a long time ago, she came back a couple of times, but for a short amount of time and she's not coming back.

I'm going to drink a glass of red tonight to the façade as a goodbye. I know what I'm looking for now.

[IntoTheWind]

I've been stuck with the question "how could I love someone that was like this to me?" for a while, but last night I looked through some old photos and videos from the relationship, she was so excitable, happy-go-lucky and endearing. She was great with my family overseas and I have some snapchats saved of her talking to them. That's who I fell in love with. She changed, not me. There were many flags early on, but the personality and love made it worth it. Then she started to split, and became horrible. I think there were more bad times than good, and I spent most of the relationship trying to get the good times back while she treated more and more poorly. I did not know what those flags meant, I wasn't even aware of personality disorders, she just said she had anxiety.

The façade I fell in love with went away a long time ago, she came back a couple of times, but for a short amount of time and she's not coming back.

I'm going to drink a glass of red tonight to the façade as a goodbye. I know what I'm looking for now.

[MsCamper]

I am at the first stages myself and while I have no assistance to offer, your words helped me. Thank you.

[Cant breathe]

I just wanted to leave a note here to say I hear you. I'm sorry. We are all struggling with loving the person we thought we knew. Someone here said we should make a list of both the good and the bad and that at the end, we'd realize we are not looking at this as a whole. There were amazingly good times, what seemed like a wonderful connection. But there were also many times of cruelty that brought us to our knees. If I had to describe the man who I loved, anyone would want to meet him. If I described the whole of who he is, then you would run.
And, sadly, I still feeling like reaching out. A trauma bond is difficult to break. I had to admit that here because I feel safe enough to say it.

[Shaken54]

I understand totally where you are coming from, I too am where you are you are left wondering what the heck happened. I remember the good times as well how she seemed so kind caring and loving, wanted to be with me all the time. Unfortunately you are correct it is a facade or act put on just for us, for me that is the hardest part that's who I fell in love with. The person now that looks like the same person is totally different, I look back now and the amount of lies that I was told is beyond comprehension.

I am about 2 weeks NC at this point and I have seen evidence of a smear campaign she is running on me, my gut reaction was to lash out but fortunately I have a good friend that brought me to my senses and I now realize that no response is the correct response. I would just be giving her what she wants attention.

I know its not easy to wrap your head around this it isn't for me either, part of me is furious at her but deep down I am more angry at her parents and other relative that created this disorder in her. They have basically robbed her of having a decent life. Its just who I am even with all the emotional abuse that I have endured I can only have mostly compassion for her. I truly hope she gets therapy it may or may not help her, she needs to try at least.

[pest947]

That is a great realization and place to be in. My healing began when I realized the person I fell in Love with never truly existed. That person while not perfect(I'm certainly not) wouldn't be so fundamentally different. As with you, my exBPD would become  the woman I loved again as well, but it was brief and only when she was attempting a recycle. The BPD would rear is ugly head within a month or two each time before it was all said and done. I don't believe my exBPD or many that have it do these things on purpose but they do none the less and the behavior is often destructive for everyone involved. Mine caused me a lot of emotional and finical hardship but I am now in a place of forgiveness and for the most part healed two years later. I would absolutely never trust her again though.

[WhatToDo47]

Yup. Same thing here.

Looking back, she used to appear so kind, loving, genuine to me and my family. When I see old pictures and remember how she used to act, it’s like a totally different person.

That’s the one I miss and love, not the raging, lying, cheating person she is now. I know they are one and the same, and that the version of her I loved is basically dead now. It’s a lot of cognitive dissonance and like mourning a death.

[WhatToDo47]

I am also angry at her mom for abusing her the way she did, contributing to this. I also know however that her mom is also BPD and NPD, and was abused similarly by her mom, and on and on, and that some of this is genetic. It’s all just tragic.

[So many questions]

I can’t wait for the day all the FOG clears. When the fantasy in my head fades. The good times were so amazing. She was just mesmerizing in every sense. I was head over heels in love with her and really did want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Even through all the lies, cheating, and humiliation. I was so proud to have her.

And it’s so hard to let go of

[WhatToDo47]

I can’t wait for the day all the FOG clears. When the fantasy in my head fades. The good times were so amazing. She was just mesmerizing in every sense. I was head over heels in love with her and really did want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Even through all the lies, cheating, and humiliation. I was so proud to have her.

And it’s so hard to let go of

I can’t wait for the day all the FOG clears. When the fantasy in my head fades. The good times were so amazing. She was just mesmerizing in every sense. I was head over heels in love with her and really did want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Even through all the lies, cheating, and humiliation. I was so proud to have her.

And it’s so hard to let go of

100% same here. For literally everything you said there. But I know the FOG will clear, with time and therapy and distance. I know because of the experiences of everyone on here and because now that I know about BPD I realize that this wasn't my first BPD relationship. I had another one about 15 years ago. When that one ended in the typical discard, smear campaign, etc. I was broken. But now when I look at her all I see is someone very crazy and broken and I'm so thankful it didn't work out between us. Praying for a day of FOG free clarity for all of us. We all deserve better than the way they treated us, because literally every human being deserves better than the way they treated us.

[So many questions]

I wrote that post 10 days ago. And honestly, that stretch of days the site was down was really tough. I mean the worst now me this far since the break up. I’m glad I didn’t do anything to myself.

Monday, I had hypnotherapy for my depression. It definitely helped that day, I felt better than I have in months. Then yesterday I made the mistake of looking into things sigh.

I will say, I don’t think the FOG has cleared. I still miss them so much and would love to have them back in my presence. But, I’m starting to find acceptance I guess? Things aren’t changing. I have been replaced. She stays in relationships for a long time. So, I just have to accept it. It’s over. It’s for the best. My replacement is doing me a favor. Forcing me to lose hope. And I guess it’s starting to hurt a little less. I’m not sure. I have to stop looking. I have no problem not contacting her while she’s playing house with someone else. But looking is my last habit to rid that will fully cut the chord.

I hope everyone is having a good week and making progress. It’s so hard!

[WhatToDo47]

I wrote that post 10 days ago. And honestly, that stretch of days the site was down was really tough. I mean the worst now me this far since the break up. I’m glad I didn’t do anything to myself.

Monday, I had hypnotherapy for my depression. It definitely helped that day, I felt better than I have in months. Then yesterday I made the mistake of looking into things sigh.

I will say, I don’t think the FOG has cleared. I still miss them so much and would love to have them back in my presence. But, I’m starting to find acceptance I guess? Things aren’t changing. I have been replaced. She stays in relationships for a long time. So, I just have to accept it. It’s over. It’s for the best. My replacement is doing me a favor. Forcing me to lose hope. And I guess it’s starting to hurt a little less. I’m not sure. I have to stop looking. I have no problem not contacting her while she’s playing house with someone else. But looking is my last habit to rid that will fully cut the chord.

I hope everyone is having a good week and making progress. It’s so hard!

Hang in there! It was so hard for me too when the site was down. Big back slide emotionally. You're not alone. When I wanted to look or contact, I wrote letters to her in my phone, on the notes app. I didn't send them. Now, looking back at old ones, I can see how far I've come and grown.

It's certainly not easy. My soon to be ex wife also stays in relationships for a long time, at least she used to before. She even asked me out of the blue the other day "are you seeing someone?" I could tell she wanted me to ask her the same. I think it was a recycle attempt budding. I didn't ask her.

We have to protect ourselves. For too long, we didn't, and the pwBPDs simply don't care about us. Their pain is too much, they only care about themselves, hard as that is to swallow. Your replacement is definitely doing you a favor. I'm sure they will try to recycle you at some point, but try to keep working on yourself so that you say no. That's my goal. Making progress, but I'd be lying if I said I don't have bad days and moments of weakness.

As far as not looking, I stopped using all social media and she moved halfway across the country. I highly recommend not using social media, at least for now until you're stronger.

Thoughts? Happy to help on any way I can!