Trauma bonding

[marv1995]

Do you think a trauma bond works both ways? For example, I know I'm trauma bonded to my exwBPD because of his hot and cold behavior, but do you think they can also trauma bond to us even though we were consistent in our love for them? Does a narcissist bond to their victims? Just something interesting I heard somewhere so wanted to get other people's opinions. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so I'll ask her as well.

[Janie Starks]

In my opinion, and from my experience, they don't bond to us. They need us as a reliable and constant source of validation, compliments and reassurance for their ego and low self-esteem, it's not about bonding, they'll stay with us as long as we provide for what their narcissist ego needs. Proof is that while we struggle so much after a break up, they often find a replacement in no time, as I read on this board many times, a bunch of days later or sometimes they even had a new sostitute ready already, and they have no remorse at all cause unlike us what they need isn't a real intimate bond with another human being, it's just someone who's there 24/7 to fulfill the hole inside their soul.

Many times my BPDpartner went on full rage mode accusing me of not giving him enough compliments, not making him feel enough Alpha when we were among other people  or not reassuring him enough.
"I have so many other women who would make me feel more handsome and masculine and charming then you do, why should I stay with you/I'm gonna cheat on you if you don't start giving me more compliments". And that's just what he needs me for. And yet I still cannot leave.

[Ad Meliora]

Do you think a trauma bond works both ways?

No.  See Sappho's thread on "Instances of Objectification".
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350703.msg13154528

Janie's got it right in her post.

I was treated like a garment in my BPDex's closet.  Do you form a trauma bond with your clothing?  With any object?

[Erfanovich]

In my opinion, and from my experience, they don't bond to us. They need us as a reliable and constant source of validation, compliments and reassurance for their ego and low self-esteem, it's not about bonding, they'll stay with us as long as we provide for what their narcissist ego needs. Proof is that while we struggle so much after a break up, they often find a replacement in no time, as I read on this board many times, a bunch of days later or sometimes they even had a new sostitute ready already, and they have no remorse at all cause unlike us what they need isn't a real intimate bond with another human being, it's just someone who's there 24/7 to fulfill the hole inside their soul.

Many times my BPDpartner went on full rage mode accusing me of not giving him enough compliments, not making him feel enough Alpha when we were among other people  or not reassuring him enough.
"I have so many other women who would make me feel more handsome and masculine and charming then you do, why should I stay with you/I'm gonna cheat on you if you don't start giving me more compliments". And that's just what he needs me for. And yet I still cannot leave.

In my opinion in the beginning they are really trying to bond. In fact the efforts to bond are in a way too much and too fast, to reach a stadium of a perfect relationship with you, Isn't that what BPD deep inside wants the most?  Its the favorite person stage you are blinded by all the love, energy, compliments and physical contact. That's the only bond there is and it's not a healthy one at all.. You have to be the rock to lean on for 24/7 for them and you are determind to be so.  Thats a impossible task, so the testing and devaluation starts. From this moment you are in danger: detaching starts en depending on the BPD type the bond is definitly over and changing in a singular bond: the relation is only based on your efforts, your input and love and affection.

Every BPD is different, different signs or behaviour, mild or just terrible fiercely, also depending on the way you react. I think the type of BPD is determinative for the sort of bond . In my case the BPD was a mild type, but a very sneaky one with very strong NPD triats. I noted detaching from the moment I made the first mistake in her opinion.  After 4 yours I discovered that no one knows ( exept some friends of her) of our relationship It looks like it never existed at all in her surrounding.

After detaching it was not over. Our relation went on with peaks and valleys and a different plan for me occured. I put all the efforts in it to make it work, my BPD made me believe we going to make it: I was still her soulmate and she never wanted someone else. Unfortunaly there were (i know afterwards) 4(!) guys competing for her 'gifts' in this period with a winner and it's not me...

So, in my case: No there was not a bond at all I think. She went on with another the same day we broke up. She built a relationship for several months. The hardest part was she was not going to tell me at all even when I discovered the cheating.
She even confirmed she had a bonding issue. When I broke up there was no sign of any emotion toward me or herself. I was replaced in a eyeblink.

Sidenote: I asked if the new guy knew of my existance and the fact she ceated on me and him in the same time. She did not tell him.

[ILMBPDC]

In my opinion in the beginning they are really trying to bond. In fact the efforts to bond are in a way too much and too fast, to reach a stadium of a perfect relationship with you, Isn't that what BPD deep inside wants the most?  Its the favorite person stage you are blinded by all the love, energy, compliments and physical contact. That's the only bond there is and it's not a healthy one at all.. You have to be the rock to lean on for 24/7 for them and you are determind to be so.  Thats a impossible task, so the testing and devaluation starts. From this moment you are in danger: detaching starts en depending on the BPD type the bond is definitly over and changing in a singular bond: the relation is only based on your efforts, your input and love and affection.

Very well said! They want/need that entanglement to validate themselves but the second one thing happens to change their opinion of you - no matter how minor, if you do/say something that doesn't fit with the character they created of you, it breaks the spell - then they are off to the next source.  With zero regard for us/our feelings. For a non, its a broken bond, a heartbreak and hard to get over. For them, its a Tuesday.

[once removed]

"trauma bond" is an overused term that generally doesnt apply to the vast majority of our relationships.

For example, I know I'm trauma bonded to my exwBPD because of his hot and cold behavior

you are describing being anxiously attached to your ex. more on this here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.0

but do you think they can also trauma bond to us even though we were consistent in our love for them?

be careful not to let terminology obscure the big picture of your individual relationship.

be careful as well not to see these as one sided relationships where one partner was consistently "good"/loving, and one partner was consistently "bad"/unloving. if it were true, there would have been no draw, the relationship would not have lasted.

They need us as a reliable and constant source of validation, compliments and reassurance for their ego and low self-esteem,

for example, if we think about it, cant the same be said about most of us? after all, wasnt idealization, validation, loving words and promises, what drew so many of us in? when it was taken away, isnt that what we struggled with, and tried so hard to get back? when we are hurting afterward, arent those the things we are hurting the most over, missing, and imagining our exes doing to new partners?

we were in dysfunctional relationships because both parties brought baggage that, at first, drew both to each other, and over time, clashed, and broke down the relationship over time. the pendulum swung back and forth, at times wildly, because both parties were employing ways to try to return the relationship to the point that served them so well in the beginning.

it was a bond for both, an intense one. it was also unstable, dysfunctional, and unsustainable. both parties wanted it to work with everything in them. in our cases, it didnt. sadly, love cannot conquer all, and does not always prevail.