Wants me to stay loyal even though she has found her new love

[Dad50]

So, been struggling with detaching and letting go. I know the only way I will heal is if I can let go completely and go no contact. I am posting because this site has helped me move closer to that goal by giving me a place to at least express how ridiculous I am  which is truly moving me forward bit by bit.

So, my exwBPD and I are remaining friends even though she has found her soul mate, they are moving in together, he is the best at everything, listening, lover, kind, etc etc. 

Meanwhile we are still having sex quite often. So stupid I know.

So, today she said  that I should tell her if I am looking to date others because friends can help each other out with that. I knew it would be a bad idea but she said don't be silly she has no love for me anymore, and she wants to help me find someone new. So, I show her the few dating apps I signed up for. Honestly I am not even ready to date and don't really want to. Anyway, she was all supportive, but later on texted the following:

" love you
Wow so much school stuff! Thank you so much I love you honey
Why don’t you just stay loyal to me and I’ll give you as much sex as you need
No dating or meeting girls ok"

I mean, how ridiculous is this and how ridiculous am I. She has a full time almost live ion boyfriend, but doesn't want me to find anyone.


The sex is of course narcissist level, love bombing good, and I think when I am sad that vulnerability feels like acceptance and I feel loved.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dad50, 

What would you like to see happen?  Hard to tell from your post.

It's not about what she wants, my friend, but rather what you choose to do.

You know it's an unhealthy dynamic, yet you continue to participate in it, presumably for a reason.  What is that reason?

Only you know the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

It sounds like you still search for love rather than mere sex regardless of good chemistry.

At one point was a feeling it could be her, or was her. Dad50, there is nothing more cruel than heartbreak and to realise have been fooled.

You will break away when you are ready to as Lucky Jim says you must know the path you want to take.

[Sappho11]

Presumably the new guy doesn't know about you?

I wonder what he'd say if he knew. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you. I can easily imagine myself in your situation and I'd probably act very similarly.

It's just that when I hear about such scenarios, a part of me wishes the other, unwitting non were to learn of everything – and it would all blow up in the pwBPD's face. Chances are, you'd be doing the other guy a service, too.

Most people, not just those with PD's, need to hit rock bottom in order to improve themselves and become better people. As long as your ex doesn't do so, she'll keep on with this behaviour forever. She will keep hurting people like you and the other guy, and probably half a dozen others (if not more), because her reasoning is "I can get away with it, so why shouldn't I?"

If you can't break it off, it might be worth considering not letting her get away with this behaviour. Being the catalyst to her rock bottom might be the ultimate act of love (albeit tough love) you could commit. From what I gather, you've got the power.

[ILMBPDC]

So, been struggling with detaching and letting go. I know the only way I will heal is if I can let go completely and go no contact. I am posting because this site has helped me move closer to that goal by giving me a place to at least express how ridiculous I am  which is truly moving me forward bit by bit.

You already know what needs to be done.
Get your favorite movies queued up, stockpile your comfort food and your comfy sweats and do it.
Block her - on your phone, social media, everywhere.
Then put on your sweats, get your junk food, and take the time to grieve. Watch the movies as needed to break up the crying jags. You will feel like you are going through withdrawal - and you are. But once she is out of your system you will feel so much better. So. Much. Better.
Call a friend, spend time with family, post on this forum. You will get through it, you will survive.

So, my exwBPD and I are remaining friends

While I believe you can be friends with an ex, I have come to the conclusion that you can't be friends with an ex with BPD. All they want is to keep you on a string in case their current person doesn't work out. But even if they go back to you, you will never again be that perfect person that they once idolized and they will always be looking for someone new (ask me how I know).

If you need someone to hold your hand and reassure you that you can do it, we are all here for you.

[ILMBPDC]

It's just that when I hear about such scenarios, a part of me wishes the other, unwitting non were to learn of everything – and it would all blow up in the pwBPD's face. Chances are, you'd be doing the other guy a service, too.

I have a vindictive side of me that so much wants to see my exBPD be hurt and suffer (and occasionally I wonder if he would come running back if that happened). Luckily my other side is stronger and I realize that I don't want to be "that person" and its not my job to save his current person or him.  The best thing I can do is to heal myself and move on with my life and stay as far out of his life as humanly possible.  I honestly hope Dad50 comes to the same conclusion.

[Dad50]

Hey Dad50, 

What would you like to see happen?  Hard to tell from your post.

It's not about what she wants, my friend, but rather what you choose to do.

You know it's an unhealthy dynamic, yet you continue to participate in it, presumably for a reason.  What is that reason?

Only you know the right path for you.

LuckyJim

Jim,
    I know I seem all contradictory and wishy washy, but I want out. I want no contact but seem too addicted or people pleasing or whatever.

I think the biggest reason I participate is still holding onto that fantasy of "maybe it could still work out, if only..."  I think I am getting closer to knowing that is impossible.

I spent the night last night because her boyfriend was out of town and she said she was too lonely. Woke up in the morning and she had one of her breaks and started hitting me, so I left.

This is the text I get from her. These texts all happened within the span of 30 seconds.

""Stop bothering me
Loser
Die in a fiery car crash
Mark loves me not you
I hope you die because it’s the only way you will leave me alone
Hello
Just a short run
Come get me quick
Hello
Hello ""
     

[Dad50]

I have a vindictive side of me that so much wants to see my exBPD be hurt and suffer (and occasionally I wonder if he would come running back if that happened). Luckily my other side is stronger and I realize that I don't want to be "that person" and its not my job to save his current person or him.  The best thing I can do is to heal myself and move on with my life and stay as far out of his life as humanly possible.  I honestly hope Dad50 comes to the same conclusion.

Yeah, there are brief fantasies Where I basically use the same words towards her that she uses towards me. It wouldn't even work though because the way she is, even if I used the exact same words as her, it would just give her the chance to play the victim and make me apologies. She hit me again yesterday morning, and I actually left. She spent the rest of the morning demanding I come make her feel better because she was having anxiety, and I was the asshole because I wouldn't help console her.

I am trying to get myself to follow your advice.

[Shaken54]

Dad50, I think you know what you need to do here. I know exactly where you are right now that feeling of trying to get back to that initial love bombing idealization phase. I get it I was in a relationship with mine for 4 years, the beginning was the best experience of my life. I never thought someone could love me like that, unfortunately it isn't real not for me or anyone else involved with a BPD.

She is using you I think you already know that, dont let her degrade you like that i realize the sex is something you like with her as I did with mine. I dont know the details of your relationship with her but mine lied to me about everything I just kept uncovering more and more. She is with someone else let her go chances are she probably has others she hooks up with too, they dont love anyone not even themselves its all an act to soothe there childhood trauma wounds.

I watched a video about BPD the guy explained it wonderfully simple, he said when you look at her look at her as a child because that is where she is stuck emotionally. It makes sense if you think about it.
My point is she wants to keep you as an orbiter feed you crumbs and try and keep you around for sex. By letting her talk you into such an arrangement your never going to get past the emotional trauma she gave you .
You will never get to the point of meeting a healthy woman that loves you for you and wants to be with you, i know how hard it is to go NC I have been for almost 3 weeks. You know what she cares about me so much that I have not heard anything from her. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do but she's treating you like an object not a person with feelings.

Move on heal and find true love

[babyducks]

She hit me again yesterday morning, and I actually left.

Do you think you are playing with fire with the domestic violence?

[ILMBPDC]

I hope you die because it’s the only way you will leave me alone

This one stuck out to me. It sounds like she is reframing the relationship in her head where you are chasing her/not letting her go and not recognizing that she keeps pulling you in.

She spent the rest of the morning demanding I come make her feel better because she was having anxiety, and I was the asshole because I wouldn't help console her.

Pulling you back in.

I am trying to get myself to follow your advice.

I understand what you are going through. I knew for a LONG time that it wasn't healthy - though I had nowhere near the issues you're having - I knew it wasn't right. It was like having an angel and devil on my shoulder fighting about it. I literally felt crazy at times.

He  originally split me in early February, dated someone else for 4 months (still occasionally talking to me, though not trying to engage me sexually). I felt like I was OK and could be friends with him. Then when he and whatshername broke up we started speaking daily again, we started sleeping together again- I realized I was still madly in love and even though he wanted to have sex with me and share his deepest thoughts and we connected so well, he didn't want ME. When I mentioned I still had feelings, he was evasive about how he didn't want more, he was good at leading me on. And I clung to him, hoping that would change, that we would return to that initial "high" of the relationship when things were so good and I felt like we were soulmates. 
I actually feel lucky now because he cut me off completely (due to me finally telling him I felt like he was using me, which apparently hit too close to home)...I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't have kept trying to make it work if he hadn't.
So yeah, I do understand.

While having him cut me off was beyond painful, it gave me time to heal, time to recognize just HOW unhealthy it was, and that I would have NEVER been able to make it work with him. I was holding myself back in the hopes of him wanting me again. That the craziness in my brain while I was with him was not at all who I am nor how I wanted to live my life.

I think you will get there eventually, and while its easy for me to say "just go no contact" I really do understand how your brain is clinging to her and trying to make it work. But I also know it won't, that you will never get back that initial high of the relationship that drew you to her. She has moved on and from my own experience and every experience I have ever read about with BPD, once they split you, even if they come back, it will never, ever be the same. 

As always, we are here for you.

[Lucky Jim]

She hit me again yesterday morning . . .

Hey Dad50,

Physical abuse is unacceptable.  What makes you think it's OK?

Change starts with a decision to value yourself enough that you will no longer be the object of anyone's abuse.  That's your boundary.

LuckyJim