Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:44:04 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Popular books with members
103
Surviving a
Borderline Parent

Emotional Blackmail
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
When Parents Make
Children Their Partners
Healing the
Shame That Binds You


Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: It feels like a slow bleed  (Read 423 times)
Methuen
********
Online Online

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1731


« on: September 11, 2021, 11:09:16 AM »

From uBPD mom:  "We could do a big pot of that chicken dish with the Farkay noodles.  You can use my kitchen.  Maybe I'd eat more.  I can't keep losing weight."

Facts:
- she lives independently in her own little house
- she's 85, frail, and at high risk for strokes and falls
- she was diagnosed anorexic after giving birth to me
- she's had a lifelong issue with body image
- the only thing that matters to her with respect to her body image is her weight.  She has always wanted to weigh less.  Her ideal is 100lb (she used to be 5'1 but she's shrunk a lot)
- her neediness is off the chart

Is it just me, or does that text message from her carry a lot of FOG?

Every day I get this  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). Much of it I ignore.  My H thinks I should reply with this:

"Don't worry about meals for us.  We can look after ourselves.  Just look after yourself."  He thinks that puts the responsibility for looking after herself back on her.  

Despite her high risk (she has already had 3 bad falls requiring hospital stays, wheelchairs and home care treatment), she refuses to wear a Lifeline (it sits on her endtable by her bed), and she refuses to even go on a two year waiting list for assisted living.  It feels like she refuses to do the responsible things to look after herself, yet she refuses to move from her home (which we do all the maintenance on, and which takes up a lot of our free time together).

It feels like she is sucking the life right out of me.  Yes I am taking care of myself.  But it's not enough.  It feels like a slow bleed...

Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2021, 12:30:50 PM »

Methuen,
I understand and what a mix of feelings- we understand that they are elderly and want to help and yet, they want complete control of how anyone helps them.

The "maybe i'd eat more..." ouch.


Perhaps a reply could be " we are busy and will take care of our meals but will bring you something to eat next time we visit" would be a good reply. ( and you decide when the next visit is)
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2021, 06:59:00 AM »

Is it possible you can't take care of your mother anymore, that it just takes too big a toll on your mental health and wellbeing? Perhaps you can consult a lawyer, about how you could change the situation you are in. I realize you probably can't go full no contact as that could be considered elder abuse, and I am sure that is something you would not consider. It has often helped me to explore the worst case scenarios and most drastic actions, to actually come up with better solutions.
Logged

Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2021, 09:39:16 AM »

I imagine your mother won't allow others to help? As long as she requires you to do it, she knows she won't be abandoned?

I have seen this situation with a non BPD elderly parent as well ( a relative ). They insist that they only are helped by family members. The reasons might be different, maybe they don't wish to spend the money or don't want to accept help from others. Eventually the helping family members are overwhelmed and need to do something.

I don't know what financial situations you have worked out. One idea might be to hire out the task of mowing her lawn to someone else. Look into services such as meals on wheels, or a transportation option to help her get to doctor appointments. Maybe there's a college student who needs some extra cash who could do some things for her.

She may not like this but you can also show her you are not abandoning her by keeping some tasks you do. But this may take the strain off you.
Logged
Methuen
********
Online Online

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1731


« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2021, 10:22:19 AM »

Thanks for replying everyone.  I’m reading, and hearing, and processing.

So we set some boundaries a long time ago.  She was FOGing me to help with housecleaning and offering to pay me   I didn’t bite.  So she’s had a housekeeper, and also a paid gardener for many years now.  After her first fall, I tried to care for her during her rehab, but that was a disaster and I resorted to getting home care involved.  That was also a disaster but I did it anyways for me.  Shes had multiple  falls and rounds of home care since then.  

She still has lots of friends who treat her well.  One brings lunch every week and visits her. Another brings her large print books from the library and they visit.  And there are others.   These friends are angels.  My life would be worse if she didn’t have them.  But they don’t do the menial work tasks I do.  

I do try to manage how much I “do” for her, but she is still high high maintenance.  But the straw that breaks the camels back are the comments and texts  she makes, like the one I quoted at the top of this thread.  These are the slow painful bleed.   No matter how much I do it is never enough.

I bring her at least one meal a week, sometimes its more.  It depends what I’ve cooked.  I only bring her things I know she likes as anything else will end up in the garbage.

I got her onto meels on wheels once for sure, and maybe twice.  Then I stopped bringing my meals.  She cancelled the meals on wheels  after a few weeks.

The tack my H and I decided to take was to do nothing for her she couldn’t do for herself, even if it was a struggle.  It’s hard to do this because the struggle is so visible physically, but we know that natural consequences is the only way she will be able to process how much help she actually needs.  She qualified for assisted living several years ago after a Rai assessment, but refused it.   Neither of us would mind caring for her…we are both caring people.  But she is controlling, can be mean and horrible whenunhappy, and her needs are infinite.  And she FoGs on a daily basis, thus the slow bleed.

So in reply to her text at the top of the thread, I sent the reply my husband suggested.  It was fairly blunt and closed (mentioned in my first post on this thread).. She didn’t bring it up when I saw her to take her to her next appt, but I had my H with me.

After delivering her back safely to her house, I said to my H, shes going to have another fall before Christmas.  H replied “I know what you mean”.  We have a two week trip planned with our adult kids before Christmas.  She would expect us to cancel it.  So would all of society, and everyone who knows her.  She is so physically week.  She does less and less (including walking) which perpetuates the weakness,, but craves the attention of getting others  to do things for  her.

For me, the killer is her slow bleed comments.  
« Last Edit: September 12, 2021, 10:39:30 AM by Methuen » Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2021, 11:17:25 AM »

I hear you Methuen.

The only way to feel nothing from these comments would be to not be who you are. You'd have to not have your empathy. That's impossible. It's a part of you and you cherish it.

My BPD mother said many mean and cruel comments when we were there visiting. Now she brings up the trip as if none of that happened. I don't bother discussing it. There's no point. Yet, I can feel tears well up when she brings up the trip because it was hurtful to go through the effort to see her and do nice things for her and yet-- it was not enough.

I understand the expectations because nobody else knows what your mother is like.

Personally, I would say take your Christmas trip. I hope for all involved that nothing happens. She would need medical care and you can't provide that by cancelling your trip.  The best you could do would be to check that she was under care.

I think part of this is accepting that we are going to be seen as the bad guy no matter what. Once I realized that, it didn't bother me as much that people in my mother's circle judged me poorly. I try to keep in mind in that for me, there's a higher Judge than they are-who knows all, who knows I struggle with the balance of preserving my own well being while trying to do the best I can with the situation. Sometimes I don't succeed but I think intention is perceived. So do what you can but take care of you and if you have a faith tradition, I hope it brings you comfort and if not, know you are doing the best you can anyway!
Logged
Methuen
********
Online Online

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1731


« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2021, 12:51:49 PM »

NotWendy, thank you.  Just, thank-you. 

Excerpt
The only way to feel nothing from these comments would be to not be who you are. You'd have to not have your empathy. That's impossible. It's a part of you and you cherish it.
This.

Excerpt
I think part of this is accepting that we are going to be seen as the bad guy no matter what. Once I realized that, it didn't bother me as much that people in my mother's circle judged me poorly. I try to keep in mind in that for me, there's a higher Judge than they are-who knows all, who knows I struggle with the balance of preserving my own well being while trying to do the best I can with the situation. Sometimes I don't succeed but I think intention is perceived.
And this.

Your words brought tears to my eyes.   Thank you. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged
Methuen
********
Online Online

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1731


« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2021, 01:52:58 PM »

Personally, I would say take your Christmas trip.
And this.  

Thanks for the message of "permission" when society wouldn't and couldn't understand.  Our adult children live 7 and 13 hours away from us respectively.  The 4 of us will benefit from 2 weeks of healing time together, and away from our work, school and life problems.  My mother could never say "take your trip - I'll be okay" the way a healthy person would try to do (even if they weren't feeling it).  Instead, my mother would say "I want to die", "I need you now", or cry "you're going to leave me when I'm like this?"  

It's the FOG, the slow bleed that is the worst.  So thank you for saying it would be ok.  

Of course if it looked like end of life or something close to it, that would be different.  But these falls of my mom's, and slow recoveries have sadly become routine.

At this stage, everything is about her needs, and nothing is about our needs.  And because of the day-day FOG, it all feels like manipulation, even if the manipulation is not intentional, but is instead her psyche's strategy to have her needs (including emotional) met.

The guilt we feel is powerful.  There's such a need to justify.

My T says not to think about the future, but instead live in the moment.  I get this. It avoids unnecessary anxiety.  On the other hand, I just know my mom.  Last year, she fell on Dec 17.  Coincidentally, we are scheduled to arrive back home from our trip this year on Dec 17.  That's just the way it worked out with everybody's schedules.  We also wanted to be home early to spend Christmas with her.  Six years ago we cancelled a trip because of her health. Hopefully all goes well this time, but life experience has taught me to expect the worst case scenario with her. 



« Last Edit: September 12, 2021, 02:00:09 PM by Methuen » Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2021, 04:53:21 AM »

Hi Methuen,

I am glad I could be of help. This is what got me through the time of my father's passing, the faith that somehow he was able to see a larger truth rather than the image her saw through what my mother may have told him about me and God who sees the larger picture. It's hard to not feel demoralized by how a BPD parent perceives us but it doesn't define us.

I know we crave positive feedback from our parents, but not just the fake niceness, I think we want to be seen as who we really are. Instead, they see us through the filter of their projections and it's so frustrating because no matter how hard we try, we can't change that. ,

This is why, I think, it's important that we have a strong sense of self, and for me, an internal moral code. If I am following my own values, then how my mother sees me doesn't change that. One problem though is that I think children of dysfunction tend to be harsh judges of ourselves, probably too harsh. I wrote on another thread that any mistake, or breaking of the family rules, no matter how slight, was the crime of the century. But we know better, and we have to keep in mind, we are human, we won't do this perfectly, and that too, doesn't define us. I also had to learn to include self care in this value system. I understand the idea of looking to our parents for some kind of permission for that. I don't think that's something they can do for us but we can do that.

When my father was ill, I also felt the pull between my parents' and my own children. Your children are grown now, but you still have that relationship with them and seeing them for Christmas is a good thing. My kids were younger, and I did try to help, and realize my parents were going through a difficult time, but there was no sense of concern from them for my own well being which was necessary to be able to care for my family. Your own children may not have the same needs, but the relationship is still important. I hope your mother is fine over Christmas but keep in mind, if she needed medical care, there are professionals who can do that. She would be taken care of.

One idea might be to have a nice plan in place for your mother when you return from your trip. You are coming home well before Christmas. If you have a plan in place and your mother complains about the trip, you can say
" we are looking forward to doing ______ with you when we return". She may still emotionally act up over the trip but it may help you to remind her. Maybe schedule a Zoom session for all of you when you return so she "sees" the kids too?

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!