Ex has now reached out. (+ the reply you wish to send, but don't.)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The last contact with my ex happened in June, when I expressly told him I needed time to heal and didn't want contact anymore.

Now it turns out that my prognosis was accurate, and that the weird happenings of the past few days elaborated in other threads (his friends stalking my IG stories, him changing his WhatsApp status and profile pictures a day before/after what would have been our anniversary etc.) were, in fact, mini-h00vers. I didn't react to them, so this morning he escalated and I received an email, which I'll gladly translate and share:

Dear [Sappho],

I hope you are well. It's been a few months, and now Sept 7th [our "anniversary", note] has passed; an adequate time frame to heal. It is nice to see you have taken up composing again [note: this is my JOB, and I've always done it!] (although I've consciously been avoiding following your business for some time) - according to this as well as to the time which has passed, I assume you don't feel so badly anymore.

At my end everything is mostly fine. While ebb desires flood and the waves are ever-changing, I'm steering the course I embarked on in June (doing various stuff, travelling, degree thesis is now finished and can, for all I care, burn to ashes in hell).

Enough preface. I would be happy to see you. Should the wish be mine alone, this needs no answer or reaction. I just thought it would be a pity not to have uttered it.

In any case, a continued "all the best".

[Name]"

Now, while I can just shake my head at his idiocy once again – honestly, who does he think he is to feel justified to come traipsing back into my freshly feng-shui'd life? – I would, in the following post, like to share the message I'd like to send him, but won't.

Perhaps this can be a thread for other people to also write letters to their exes, and/or replies to their messages – without sending them.

[Sappho11]

The last contact with my ex happened in June, when I expressly told him I needed time to heal and didn't want contact anymore.

Now it turns out that my prognosis was accurate, and that the weird happenings of the past few days elaborated in other threads (his friends stalking my IG stories, him changing his WhatsApp status and profile pictures a day before/after what would have been our anniversary etc.) were, in fact, mini-h00vers. I didn't react to them, so this morning he escalated and I received an email, which I'll gladly translate and share:

Dear [Sappho],

I hope you are well. It's been a few months, and now Sept 7th [our "anniversary", note] has passed; an adequate time frame to heal. It is nice to see you have taken up composing again [note: this is my JOB, and I've always done it!] (although I've consciously been avoiding following your business for some time) - according to this as well as to the time which has passed, I assume you don't feel so badly anymore.

At my end everything is mostly fine. While ebb desires flood and the waves are ever-changing, I'm steering the course I embarked on in June (doing various stuff, travelling, degree thesis is now finished and can, for all I care, burn to ashes in hell).

Enough preface. I would be happy to see you. Should the wish be mine alone, this needs no answer or reaction. I just thought it would be a pity not to have uttered it.

In any case, a continued "all the best".

[Name]"

Now, while I can just shake my head at his idiocy once again – honestly, who does he think he is to feel justified to come traipsing back into my freshly feng-shui'd life? – I would, in the following post, like to share the message I'd like to send him, but won't.

Perhaps this can be a thread for other people to also write letters to their exes, and/or replies to their messages – without sending them.

[Sappho11]

Here's what I'd like to tell him (but won't – he can spend the rest of his life torture himself wondering "what if" for all I care).

"Dear Idiot. Actually, forget the "dear": You Idiot.

Who do you think you are? Your incompetence boggles the mind even now. Did you really think you could get away with abusing me emotionally, psychologically and materially, then spitting me out – twice, no less? – and that I'd spend months and months trying to piece my life and self-esteem back together, only to welcome you and your toxic, narcissistic BS back with open arms? You must be out of your bloody mind.

From the bottom of my heart:   you.

You're not a part of my life now, nor will you be in the future, and you only have yourself to blame for this. I don't give a rat's arse what you have been up to, or whether or not you have been watching me, or whatever else it is you are doing with this sad, meaningless, empty, devoid life of yours. But there is one thing I am sure of: I want nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with it.

Even now, all you can do is spew narcissistic BS. And who are you to try and dictate whatever is an "adequate time frame for healing"? You don't control me anymore, so   you!

Thanks for asking by the way, I am feeling a lot better, and this is mainly due to the fact that you have been cut out off my life. To quote a new acquaintance, the fact that you're gone "makes me want to throw flowers in the air". So sod off; the door is closed, and you're NOT coming back. That much is certain.

Since these are the last thoughts I intend to waste on you, let me say THANK YOU for making me feel crazy for months: You made me see a psychologist, who found out that there is actually nothing (!) wrong with me, but that what I used to think were depressive episodes were in fact silent migraines, easily cured by taking a paracetamol. I'd probably never have found out about this if it hadn't been for the massive, three-ring $***show that was that ill-fated relationship with you. So, thanks for massively improving my quality of life with your continued sh***y behaviour. I guess you were good for something after all.

I'm not sorry to see that the loyal ex you discarded before me apparently doesn't want you back – or you probably wouldn't have written. I'm glad she's finally woken up to your BS and I hope she can now start her own life after eight years under your yoke, the poor woman.

I don't care what you do or don't do, I just don't want anything to do with you. You're worse than dead to me; I don't want to see you again, and if I never hear another word of you again, I'll consider myself a lucky woman.

  you, and your bull**** in particular. Whatever else you write will be forwarded to the police, and I WILL report you for stalking if you ever so much as send me a message again.

Bye, arsehole!

Sappho"

[Cromwell]

it helps to hear these accounts Sappho and i feel happy for you to be dealing with them by cutting through the cajoling and rhetoric. They do have a gift of charm: until we then see the ugly side.

its incredibly difficult for me, the moments she drowned me in 'love' were beyond hollywood scrips, they pulled the heart strings like nothing else. I wondered with that talent why dont they go into professional training/acting, it interests me that you reveal the statistic - they actually do.

yours is a healthy level of appropiate anger used in a productive, self protective way. Its such a beacon of hope to others including myself. wel done I see it as inspirational, considering the circumstances. your own your way. dont be afraid to tell him to f off, I wish I had years ago, I was afraid of her meltdown and reaction, in hindsight I wish idve just dealt with whatever happened and had it blow over. I guess the opinion on this (confront harshly versus let slip away slowly) is divided into two groups of thought. keep going with what works for you. nicely done. Crom

[poppy2]

I love this thread so much. Thanks for sharing your wonderful letter, it had me laughing out loud at so many points. Have you thought of making a small, cottage industry out of interpreting and then skewering narcissistic behaviours? It's a real talent of yours (sorely bought, I know  )

Funny, not-funny that he never actually asks how you are, but presumes to know (once you know the symptoms it's so easy to read the signs). Also, I found 'this needs no reply' such a strange formulation. I think you've made the best decision a) to write and share the letter but b) never send it. That way you honour your own feelings but don't give him the benefit of the time of day. I hope that you never hear from him again.

And, what is with these people and wishing us the best? why do they say that? do they learn it in pwPD school? Is it a version of fake it till you make it, but in their case, they never make it (courtesy, decency, respect)? The mother tongue of my PwBPD was German, if that's also the case for yours perhaps it's a vacuous Teutonism, I have no idea but hope never to hear or read those words again.

Good on you for the stellar letter! I hope you felt on cloud nine after writing it.

[Cromwell]

i know its not a big deal as such but can I ask if he has a bpd diagnosis. you mentioned a few times narcissist and sociopath. its important not to conflate these. I know ive went through ordeal with bpd ex, she was diagnose, but my sympathy goes extra strong to anyone who has been with narcissist pd or antisocial PD those are really the most nasty piece of work Ive ever came across.

[Sappho11]

it helps to hear these accounts Sappho and i feel happy for you to be dealing with them by cutting through the cajoling and rhetoric. They do have a gift of charm: until we then see the ugly side.

its incredibly difficult for me, the moments she drowned me in 'love' were beyond hollywood scrips, they pulled the heart strings like nothing else. I wondered with that talent why dont they go into professional training/acting, it interests me that you reveal the statistic - they actually do.

yours is a healthy level of appropiate anger used in a productive, self protective way. Its such a beacon of hope to others including myself. wel done I see it as inspirational, considering the circumstances. your own your way. dont be afraid to tell him to f off, I wish I had years ago, I was afraid of her meltdown and reaction, in hindsight I wish idve just dealt with whatever happened and had it blow over. I guess the opinion on this (confront harshly versus let slip away slowly) is divided into two groups of thought. keep going with what works for you. nicely done. Crom

Thank you Cromwell, and I'm sorry to see you're going through a particularly rough night tonight. Please, by all means, take care of yourself, perhaps have a snack, maybe a shower, put on something comfy, slip under the covers and sleep a long, restful sleep. I promise you, you'll be better equipped to deal with what's on your plate once you're rested. This is about you, after all – so please give yourself the care and love you deserve!

I love this thread so much. Thanks for sharing your wonderful letter, it had me laughing out loud at so many points. Have you thought of making a small, cottage industry out of interpreting and then skewering narcissistic behaviours? It's a real talent of yours (sorely bought, I know   )

Funny, not-funny that he never actually asks how you are, but presumes to know (once you know the symptoms it's so easy to read the signs). Also, I found 'this needs no reply' such a strange formulation. I think you've made the best decision a) to write and share the letter but b) never send it. That way you honour your own feelings but don't give him the benefit of the time of day. I hope that you never hear from him again.

Thank you, poppy, you're very kind. The "this needs no reply" actually really riles me up. He used to do that during our relationship, too – berate me like a child for some perceived slight, then when I wanted to explain my point of view, he'd say: "You don't have to justify yourself. Just no." And that would be that – I wouldn't be allowed to reply, or all hell would break loose. He just couldn't deal with a viewpoint differing from his. I hate his attempt to retain control in today's email, here in his insinuated meaning of: "You can either take me back, or shut up." No, mofo, you shut up! God, if I were the woman I was ten years ago, I'd probably throw a half-dozen bricks through his window tonight and set his front yard on fire, while operatically singing impromptu variations on the words " you". With gusto.

And, what is with these people and wishing us the best? why do they say that? do they learn it in pwPD school? Is it a version of fake it till you make it, but in their case, they never make it (courtesy, decency, respect)? The mother tongue of my PwBPD was German, if that's also the case for yours perhaps it's a vacuous Teutonism, I have no idea but hope never to hear or read those words again.

Yes, my ex's native language is German, too. "Weiterhin alles Beste." What the heck is that! He's even too lazy/incompetent to come up with actual well wishes. It reminds me of AdMeliora's ex who wrote in a "love" letter: "I like you, and your kiss. And other stuff." That's it. It just shows so precisely how little substance there is to these people and their so-called feelings. My guess is that they use those "courteous" phrases because they don't actually understand their meaning, but see other people using them, therefore just copy that behaviour, not even realising that other people easily catch on to such fraud.

My "favourite" line is this one though: "Während Ebbe nach Flut verlangt und der Wellengang schwankt, halte ich (...) Kurs...". It's like witnessing the ghastly reincarnation of a zombie Heinrich Heine after a lobotomy. The vicarious embarrassment! Grah!

Good on you for the stellar letter! I hope you felt on cloud nine after writing it.

Thank you. I definitely felt better after writing the "reply" than I did before.

[Ad Meliora]

Nice, consistent in theme, it gets right to the point, and very few wasted words.  Good job.   Perhaps little reliant on  you!  But when it comes to these kind of letters I just say  it!

Mine was 3 pages long, and I sent it via the US Mail about 2 months after the split.  I'd like to think I tried to hold back, but nah, I really didn't.  It matched up in the "Who do you think you are, and Where do you get off treating me that way" department.  To each his own I guess.  How about we sprinkle in a little Nietzsche here as there seems to be a German theme added: Wunderbar.

"You have your way. I have my way.  As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way.  It does not exist." --Nietzsche

[poppy2]

Thank you, poppy, you're very kind. The "this needs no reply" actually really riles me up. He used to do that during our relationship, too – berate me like a child for some perceived slight, then when I wanted to explain my point of view, he'd say: "You don't have to justify yourself. Just no." And that would be that – I wouldn't be allowed to reply, or all hell would break loose. He just couldn't deal with a viewpoint differing from his. I hate his attempt to retain control in today's email, here in his insinuated meaning of: "You can either take me back, or shut up." No, mofo, you shut up! God, if I were the woman I was ten years ago, I'd probably throw a half-dozen bricks through his window tonight and set his front yard on fire, while operatically singing impromptu variations on the words " you". With gusto.

I hear you. It's a very unfair, one-sided communication style. It also makes me want to ask - what was I doing to prop up this situation? Because once their 'emotional disability' is revealed - I mean, once the wool is pulled from your eyes and you see these self-serving statements, which leave absolutely no room for you at all, as they are, like how you describe in your relationship - it really begs the question in my mind why I didn't see it before. I think it also explains why they leave once things became even slightly challenging. Do you know what I mean? It's really like an emotional disability on show, the limitations are laid so bare, and it's a sudden kick in the guts when it happens but afterwards it clarifies as a pattern of sorts. I can totally relate to your bricks through windows impulse, I feel myself like a 'scorned woman' who fantasizes about acts like this to take her dignity back.

My guess is that they use those "courteous" phrases because they don't actually understand their meaning, but see other people using them, therefore just copy that behaviour, not even realising that other people easily catch on to such fraud.

I agree. I feel like I was downgraded to a 'person I have done business with in the past and that business is now concluded' and the phrase 'ich wünsche Dir alles Gute!' somehow reflects this. In your case, though, you've somehow been re-upgraded and he still uses this empty line. I'll never understand it.

My "favourite" line is this one though: "Während Ebbe nach Flut verlangt und der Wellengang schwankt, halte ich (...) Kurs...". It's like witnessing the ghastly reincarnation of a zombie Heinrich Heine after a lobotomy. The vicarious embarrassment! Grah!

Ha! Your ex is ridiculous. When I first read this line I tried to imagine it in German because of the grammar... I think in any language it's a deranged fantasy. Good riddance. Personally, I've fantasized about recieving a letter from my ex and I don't even think I could read it... I wouldn't want to be exposed to their words again, which are hurtful and baffling, but rather ask a friend to read it and summarize it for me, if it all. But I was a victim of the silent treatment/gaslighting and I'd never experienced before how damaging the withdrawal of access/explanations can be to your sense of reality.

One last comparison - it's interesting how your ex doesn't seem to feel any shame/protection at being 'exposed'. Like, you haven't been 'painted black' at all in his mind. Is this because he never got a dose of criticism or what you really thought of him? Or do you think it's just a kind of memory loss/object inconstancy? given the strength of your feelings against him, it's surprising he even thinks he had a chance. I think I was split and put into the 'shame/failure' basket and therefore won't be receiving a letter anytime soon. But it's something I've thought about a lot, and I'm grateful you started this thread for that reason.

@Ad Meliora, thanks for sharing. how did it make you feel to send this letter? did you feel purged or cleansed? I guess you never recieved a reply, or maybe don't hope to recieve a reply. I'm curious because I wonder, given the general lack of accountability, how people with BPD respond to such letters, if they respond at all. Anyway, ultimately if it makes you feel good to send it, it's the right thing to do.

[Cromwell]

They mimic and note take but this is not exclusive to bpd. We all do, we all learn feom others and its not appropriation its a form of acceptance and enhancement of personality. If i start taking like Sappho people will notice and say 'your just like Sappho'

But who did Sappho learn from?

Ive certainly changed by mixing with folk here, the core of who i am is maybe fixed to. Some extent but nothing wrong with being either persuaded or enthralled by others and emulating a bit. In short, it's not a bpd hallmark it extends further into society.

You Said his incompetence at tying the rigging. Its fair commentary i can visualise it. But how do you feel it had a hint of romance via ineptitude

[Shaken54]

Sappho, thanks for sharing that letter you won't send, it was brilliant bravo for you and your recovery.

[Happiness40]

I got one too, looks like their all making there way out of the woodwork. I suppose they are trying to secure a place at Xmas
Dinner

[Cromwell]

I got one too, looks like their all making there way out of the woodwork. I suppose they are trying to secure a place at Xmas
Dinner

Haha . Haven't had a. Good one like this in awhile thanks for the much needed laugh

[MeandThee29]

I hear you. It's a very unfair, one-sided communication style. It also makes me want to ask - what was I doing to prop up this situation? Because once their 'emotional disability' is revealed - I mean, once the wool is pulled from your eyes and you see these self-serving statements, which leave absolutely no room for you at all, as they are, like how you describe in your relationship - it really begs the question in my mind why I didn't see it before. I think it also explains why they leave once things became even slightly challenging. Do you know what I mean? It's really like an emotional disability on show, the limitations are laid so bare, and it's a sudden kick in the guts when it happens but afterwards it clarifies as a pattern of sorts. I can totally relate to your bricks through windows impulse, I feel myself like a 'scorned woman' who fantasizes about acts like this to take her dignity back.

Yes, the term "emotional disability" is very apt. I could tell so many stories from my divorce. The lack of mature thought bugged my attorney (in his late 60's himself) so much that he refused to call my ex by name and called him "the boy." And yes, it was a gray divorce after several decades together. In the end, even his attorney got so frustrated with his client that he changed sides in some ways and couldn't wait to get it settled.

That was my clarity.

[SinisterComplex]

Yes, the term "emotional disability" is very apt. I could tell so many stories from my divorce. The lack of mature thought bugged my attorney (in his late 60's himself) so much that he refused to call my ex by name and called him "the boy." And yes, it was a gray divorce after several decades together. In the end, even his attorney got so frustrated with his client that he changed sides in some ways and couldn't wait to get it settled.

That was my clarity.

I just had to chime in from this post because I am currently helping a close buddy of mine through his divorce and this sounds so similar. His soon to be ex wife is being such a pain in the $$ that she had to go through 3 lawyers and this current lawyer is along the same lines even going as far as to mention her client as being a wall to my buddy's lawyer. He should've been divorced already and everything should have been settled, but because I have been helping him and keeping him straight he hasn't made dumb mistakes so she doesn't have control and it is driving her more nuts than she is and dragging this thing out. As I mentioned to my friend when you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill you have to step back and realize you cannot have the expectation that they act like an adult. Physically and chronologically they may be an adult and they should be mature, but sadly you are dealing with someone who is literally mentally a kid.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Ad Meliora]

@Ad Meliora, thanks for sharing. how did it make you feel to send this letter? did you feel purged or cleansed? I guess you never recieved a reply, or maybe don't hope to recieve a reply. I'm curious because I wonder, given the general lack of accountability, how people with BPD respond to such letters, if they respond at all. Anyway, ultimately if it makes you feel good to send it, it's the right thing to do.

Hey Poppy,  It felt good.  It felt like a more complete ending as we didn't really have it out in the end.  It was just a fizzle.  She broke plans we made that morning to hang out with a friend (for the 100th time), and that was it, I had enough.  I cut contact and it took her a week to figure it out.  She guessed that we 'weren't speaking to each other' and I texted she was correct, we had plenty of that and it got us nowhere.  I just wanted us to exchange items and get it over with.  I'll have to say here I was a bit scared of how the whole break-up would go down.  I thought about changing locks, I thought she might make up stories about me and do something weird like you got that strange legal sounding letter.  I was fearful and paranoid because of her emotional instability--something you aptly called "emotional disability".  She was done with me, ready to discard.  Her relationship sabotage had worked and I was the one leaving.

I never heard back, and I expected as much.  I'm sure she read it, as she usually eagerly read my letters although I rarely got feedback unless I asked.  She was looking for "Fan Mail" from her fans, adoration, praise, aggrandizement and the like.  I asked for an explanation for her behavior, and her response would determine if she was a sympathetic or unsympathetic character.  Of course these are the wrong things to say to someone with BPD, but I didn't know that was what I was dealing with.  Ultimatiums don't work.

If I had to guess about how it went I think she took it all personally and applied  'black-and-white thinking' here first to herself.  She would think herself a horrible person and cry about it, but then she would read my specific examples and start to disassociate herself from those events (I never did that, must be Ms. Hyde!) and turn it on to me as the evil one for bringing up such things, that must've been caused by me in the first place.  She would throw it away and it would further cement my status:  Discarded.

[poppy2]

.Of course these are the wrong things to say to someone with BPD, but I didn't know that was what I was dealing with.  Ultimatiums don't work.

If I had to guess about how it went I think she took it all personally and applied  'black-and-white thinking' here first to herself.  She would think herself a horrible person and cry about it, but then she would read my specific examples and start to disassociate herself from those events (I never did that, must be Ms. Hyde!) and turn it on to me as the evil one for bringing up such things, that must've been caused by me in the first place.  She would throw it away and it would further cement my status:  Discarded.

Hey, yeah it's interesting, I think that you started the quiet borderline thread? because I feel like your description could also apply to my case (with someone with Qbpd)... it's funny how the ultimatums don't work, I also made that mistake! it seems to trigger the control part of them and they escalate/sabotage/leave the situation as a result. this is really the child in them reacting.

I also can see a lot of thought in your passage where you describe her internal process. I wonder if this is really how it is with crititcism? because it was my legitimate criticism of her that ended the relationship, basically, and after this she just wouldn't reply to emails mentioning things she had done wrong. We'll never know but your description of the internal shame process is as good as any.. also, I think they simply think we really do cause their bad feelings, and that is why they have no remorse afterwards. But the application of the split to herself first is what is characteristic of the quiet types, I think... I also felt like I was split where she 'kept' the good me for herself but treated the real me like I didn't exist, which I think is another quiet characteristic. But that's just speculation.

[Sappho11]

Thank you for the well wishes, everyone.

I hear you. It's a very unfair, one-sided communication style. It also makes me want to ask - what was I doing to prop up this situation? Because once their 'emotional disability' is revealed - I mean, once the wool is pulled from your eyes and you see these self-serving statements, which leave absolutely no room for you at all, as they are, like how you describe in your relationship - it really begs the question in my mind why I didn't see it before. I think it also explains why they leave once things became even slightly challenging. Do you know what I mean? It's really like an emotional disability on show, the limitations are laid so bare, and it's a sudden kick in the guts when it happens but afterwards it clarifies as a pattern of sorts. I can totally relate to your bricks through windows impulse, I feel myself like a 'scorned woman' who fantasizes about acts like this to take her dignity back.

I get it, yes. Good observation. I think most if not all people here felt a tremendous relief after reading up on BPD and finding a blueprint for these erratic behaviours.

I agree. I feel like I was downgraded to a 'person I have done business with in the past and that business is now concluded' and the phrase 'ich wünsche Dir alles Gute!' somehow reflects this. In your case, though, you've somehow been re-upgraded and he still uses this empty line. I'll never understand it.

That is such a rotten phrase to use! Like an HR manager turning down an applicant for a job, or like someone who has to sign the birthday card of a colleague they don't particularly like... just horrible.

One last comparison - it's interesting how your ex doesn't seem to feel any shame/protection at being 'exposed'. Like, you haven't been 'painted black' at all in his mind. Is this because he never got a dose of criticism or what you really thought of him? Or do you think it's just a kind of memory loss/object inconstancy? given the strength of your feelings against him, it's surprising he even thinks he had a chance.

Surprising, isn't it? I received another email today – but one that I had written to myself on June 13th and sent to the future with a special email service. It was chilling to read, I was still completely addicted back then. The last letter I sent him, the one in which I said I wanted time to heal and no contact, was from the same week and very cordially written: in the spirit of "I've always loved you, but..." Since that's the last point of reference he has, he has now predictably decided that after these couple of months, the fruit of validation and admiration has ripened again and is his for the picking. LOL! If only he knew.

Since I only caught on to the BPD dynamic after the second discard, we never had an argument that would actually have threatened his innermost sense of self. From the beginning, I was so scared how he could fly off the handle at simple phrases such as "If you're not happy with your job, would you perhaps like to take a sabbatical?" or "Would you mind replacing the cup you broke the other day?" that I never dared broach more sensitive topics. He nearly left me the day before Christmas because after four hours of senseless arguing, I broke and said to him: "Don't blame me for your poor time management!" That's as close to actual criticism that I ever got. He was a master at turning things around, and I couldn't raise any thought or need of mine without him throwing a fit of how I could be "hurting him" so much with my "accusations". Two months before the second discard, he went completely psychotic and would even interpret compliments in a negative manner. So you're quite right, while we had horrible, horrible fights, I never actually managed to get my true opinion in, which definitely is the reason I haven't been painted black.

I have zero doubt that even if I were only to tell him "I don't want to hear from you and I don't want to see you ever again, I've seen behind the facade and it's over", he'd fly into a full-blown rage and possibly start a smear campaign. While I'd loove to actually send him a two-line email like that, I've got too many skeletons in the closet to let that happen.

They mimic and note take but this is not exclusive to bpd. We all do, we all learn feom others and its not appropriation its a form of acceptance and enhancement of personality.

Yes Cromwell, but that's the point: We learn from others. We don't just mindlessly mimic what they do and say; we actually understand the deeper meaning behind actions, and when they are and aren't appropriate. Such as "all the best" being a polite thing to write in a birthday card for someone you don't know very well – but not as a final farewell to a lover. BPDs don't grasp that difference and instead just parrot back what they think other people do and say.

[Sappho11]

Hey Poppy,  It felt good.  It felt like a more complete ending as we didn't really have it out in the end.  It was just a fizzle.  She broke plans we made that morning to hang out with a friend (for the 100th time), and that was it, I had enough.  I cut contact and it took her a week to figure it out.  She guessed that we 'weren't speaking to each other' and I texted she was correct, we had plenty of that and it got us nowhere.  I just wanted us to exchange items and get it over with.  I'll have to say here I was a bit scared of how the whole break-up would go down.  I thought about changing locks, I thought she might make up stories about me and do something weird like you got that strange legal sounding letter.  I was fearful and paranoid because of her emotional instability--something you aptly called "emotional disability".  She was done with me, ready to discard.  Her relationship sabotage had worked and I was the one leaving.

I never heard back, and I expected as much.  I'm sure she read it, as she usually eagerly read my letters although I rarely got feedback unless I asked.  She was looking for "Fan Mail" from her fans, adoration, praise, aggrandizement and the like.  I asked for an explanation for her behavior, and her response would determine if she was a sympathetic or unsympathetic character.  Of course these are the wrong things to say to someone with BPD, but I didn't know that was what I was dealing with.  Ultimatiums don't work.

If I had to guess about how it went I think she took it all personally and applied  'black-and-white thinking' here first to herself.  She would think herself a horrible person and cry about it, but then she would read my specific examples and start to disassociate herself from those events (I never did that, must be Ms. Hyde!) and turn it on to me as the evil one for bringing up such things, that must've been caused by me in the first place.  She would throw it away and it would further cement my status:  Discarded.

I'm going to sound like a broken record, but it baffles me how similar all these relationships are. The lack of effort towards the end, the not wanting to take responsibility for the discard, so instead behaving in an abominable manner... the desire for fan mail, in some cases even after the breakup (my ex, too, wrote that he "always wanted to hear from me")... the emotional vampirism... then of course the projection, blame-shifting and "turning-around" of arguments whenever any of this is raised in the slightest way... honestly, we who got out are the lucky ones.

[Sappho11]

So I received another email today. This time from myself, written on June 13th and sent to today using a special email service. I've occasionally been sending emails to my future self since I was sixteen, though none in recent years, so it was a surprise to receive one today.

It took me a moment or two to figure out what was going on. Apparently, three months ago, I had described my ideal life with my ex, how it was my deepest wish that he would love me, cherish me, be there for me, etc. It's a long email – it must have taken me some time to write it. I vaguely recall having done so, but definitely none of the details.

It was an eye-opener. It was so uncomfortable to read that I considered deleting it immediately, but I've decided to keep it.

This isn't an email of someone who's in love. This is an email of someone who's addicted.

Ironically, there's plenty of detail of what I wish would happen and what he would do for me – but nothing about him as a person. The things I long for in that text are none that are specific to him; they can happen with anyone. I found that to be fairly shocking.

I can't remember the state of mind I was in when I wrote this, and perhaps the lack of personal-ness can be forgiven in the face of the fact that I did try to understand and love him as a human being for all the time we were together. Five weeks after the final breakup certainly was a breaking point for me, where I was finally asking myself: "But what was in it for me...?" I don't know whether that's justified or egotistical.

I've always believed everybody has their vice, be it food, drink, smoking, gambling... neither of those was mine, I dabbled in all of them but it was always "take it or leave it" for me. From what I gather, propensity to addictive behaviours is largely determined genetically, so I always thought I lucked out in that department. Except that now, my (former?) addiction is staring me right in the face.

I am so, so glad this is over. There is no way I am going back to that man, nor am I ever going to engage with him again, email or otherwise. I think I'm over the hill, but so do most alcoholics when they finally sober up and think "Maybe it's time for a glass of red, one can't hurt", only to wake up in the park three days later. I am NOT taking that chance. And I'm keeping that email to remind myself of it.

[grumpydonut]

"Dear Lauren,

I don't want to speak to you, and I most certainly don't want to meet you.

While I feel I will always carry a burden of what you put me through, the fact is my life is better without you. Since you left, I have become a high-distinction (highest GPA possible in Aus) psychology student; I have been promoted at work; I have developed a new hobby that I thoroughly enjoy; and I now live in a two-bedroom house by myself.

Meanwhile, since me, your life is seemingly more dramatic and pathetic than before. You tell people you are excelling in your career, yet you are still a receptionist...Meanwhile, you date a "man" who cheated on you with two different women within 6 months - one of whom you introduced him to. And at the same time, you were telling your friends (who abandoned you soon after) that I was an abuser? Haha.

Despite the fact an irrational part of me loves you, the rational part knows that you are a loser. Your life is going no where, and you will never amount to anything. You don't even know who you are.

I'll never forget the time you said to me that you would "win" if we broke up - because you were sleeping with someone behind my back, and knew how much that would hurt me. Little did you know that I would win simply by you leaving my life.

Good luck finding someone else to emotionally support you. Maybe your mask will stay on for longer than two years this time. History suggests it won't."

[Happiness40]

I actually emailed my ex back, I never was as honest as you guys in your letter but I do feel I got a lot off my chest I wanted to say. I stayed respectful because we have children together and I didn’t want him having anything to use against me with them. I wonder if I should post he’s email and my reply maybe yous could  syphon threw all he’s Me me me what about poor me me me?

 I think it’s the 1st time I’ve not been upset that he doesn’t once take my feeling into account I’ve come to so much acceptance over the last 3 months without him. I have come so far and I am so proud of myself and I know you’s all feel the same and doesn’t it feel good to care about ourselves more than them finally?

Sappho your letter is genius the laughs it gave me, I’m
Proud of you!

[poppy2]

"Dear Lauren,

I don't want to speak to you, and I most certainly don't want to meet you.

While I feel I will always carry a burden of what you put me through, the fact is my life is better without you. Since you left, I have become a high-distinction (highest GPA possible in Aus) psychology student; I have been promoted at work; I have developed a new hobby that I thoroughly enjoy; and I now live in a two-bedroom house by myself.

Meanwhile, since me, your life is seemingly more dramatic and pathetic than before. You tell people you are excelling in your career, yet you are still a receptionist...Meanwhile, you date a "man" who cheated on you with two different women within 6 months - one of whom you introduced him to. And at the same time, you were telling your friends (who abandoned you soon after) that I was an abuser? Haha.

Despite the fact an irrational part of me loves you, the rational part knows that you are a loser. Your life is going no where, and you will never amount to anything. You don't even know who you are.

I'll never forget the time you said to me that you would "win" if we broke up - because you were sleeping with someone behind my back, and knew how much that would hurt me. Little did you know that I would win simply by you leaving my life.

Good luck finding someone else to emotionally support you. Maybe your mask will stay on for longer than two years this time. History suggests it won't."

woo-hoo! go Grumpy donut. I'm really glad to read all of these good things about your life since your break up. I can believe that she saw the breakup as a 'win' and I'm sorry that you had to go through such an immature partner, especially when she was triangulating you with other people. That's just so low. The same thing happened to me, but quietly and so confusingly, I had the 'quiet' subtype.. so it all blows up one day and you never hear from them again.

It was only by reading a book on emotional blackmail that I could recognize my ex was also a 'win at all costs' mentality.. she never said anything like this openly but in a way always maneuvered herself into these positions, at whatever cost to me. Callous, detached and cold. I can imagine it must have hurt a lot to hear things like this, and you're absolutely right to say that you won anyway... it also hurt a lot to have them done 'silently' or 'suggestively' though a nice facade of words and victim hood that was anything but nice.

Good on you for the great letter!

[poppy2]

That is such a rotten phrase to use! Like an HR manager turning down an applicant for a job, or like someone who has to sign the birthday card of a colleague they don't particularly like... just horrible.

Thankyou. You know I think I just felt so humiliated after being rejected I couldn't even differentiate things like this, but these threads are helping me to do so and I'm really grateful for that. Honestly the rejection made me want to 'hide' it which I think is actually a common, if ultimately pointless, response.

The last letter I sent him, the one in which I said I wanted time to heal and no contact, was from the same week and very cordially written: in the spirit of "I've always loved you, but..." Since that's the last point of reference he has, he has now predictably decided that after these couple of months, the fruit of validation and admiration has ripened again and is his for the picking. LOL! If only he knew.

LOL! haha. You've literally climbed mountains while he has been stewing or flicking his hair or whatever. In the end, I think silence is actually the 'best' response' (so long as we have these forums to vent and feel recognized) in that it denies them what they ultimately need.. access (supply).

after being discarded (I didn't even know what that was, I didn't think it was possible to do that to someone so totally) I used to fantasize about how I would 'get my own back', the fantasies of the powerless... like for example, she would write me and I would arrange to see her and not show up (so pathetic). Or I had recurring images of being dropped suddenly through a trapdoor into a dark cellar full or water... and then realized this is what she had done to me, and wishing it could be done to her. And basically, no revenge is possible, or even desirable, because in the end if you're not a destructive person you'll regret it. But they definitely deserve it, there's no question about that.

It's funny what you say about arguments and not getting your own in... You were scared he would fly off the handle, I was scared she would disappear without any explanation (it happened once before and I only see now how devastating it is). Different behaviours, but the same result. So I think a lot of what should be said in these relationships isn't said at the time. That's also why we (or at least I) feel resentful afterwards. The FOG is really something.

He nearly left me the day before Christmas because after four hours of senseless arguing, I broke and said to him: "Don't blame me for your poor time management!" That's as close to actual criticism that I ever got. He was a master at turning things around, and I couldn't raise any thought or need of mine without him throwing a fit of how I could be "hurting him" so much with my "accusations".

The thing that made my ex cut off all contact with me, or at least, possibly was - since she never explained, I never knew - was me also finally losing my temper after 6 weeks of trying to talk to her about *one *issue (more fool me, of course it only got worse and worse that way, with her finding ever more, ever more painful excuses) and saying in anger 'when are you going to make a commitment to me' (this is after 9 months of being together). So many provocations, but after this I was split black. It's funny because you had horrible fights but they didn't reach a 'core wound'.. we had no fights, but lots of avoidance of bad issues (honestly, from me too.. I was scared of triggering her avoidance) and then I believe a core wound was triggered and poof! the genie vanished forever into a morass of self-loathing (I can only presume) and victimization.

What you say about your ex turning totally psychotic sounds very scary, I'm sorry to hear about that. I kind of can't imagine these full-blown BPD rages, bbbuuutt I can imagine the cosmically conscienceless smear campaign! Yup I survived that (so far)    and about an issue where she actually hurt me (the assault). Somehow I knew it would expose her and this is what I wanted to do, actuslly - she couldn't gaslight me into (further) denial

[crushedagain]

Does he actually talk like that, too, or does he just write like that? That's about as annoying as it gets. What a douche canoe.

PS - I actually think you should send the reply, especially since he's a narc. F*** him.

[Ad Meliora]

Since I only caught on to the BPD dynamic after the second discard, we never had an argument that would actually have threatened his innermost sense of self. From the beginning, I was so scared how he could fly off the handle at simple phrases such as "If you're not happy with your job, would you perhaps like to take a sabbatical?" or "Would you mind replacing the cup you broke the other day?" that I never dared broach more sensitive topics. He nearly left me the day before Christmas because after four hours of senseless arguing, I broke and said to him: "Don't blame me for your poor time management!" That's as close to actual criticism that I ever got. He was a master at turning things around, and I couldn't raise any thought or need of mine without him throwing a fit of how I could be "hurting him" so much with my "accusations". Two months before the second discard, he went completely psychotic and would even interpret compliments in a negative manner. So you're quite right, while we had horrible, horrible fights, I never actually managed to get my true opinion in, which definitely is the reason I haven't been painted black.

Ibid, ditto, or whatever.  Yes Sappho, I think it just will be broken record time. The behaviors are the same.  If we were writing stories we'd all be sued for plagiarism!    "All you did Ad was reverse the gender, add about 20 years, and move the story to middle America... well, with a 3 month divergence to a state where gambling is legal (and so is marijuana), now that mixed things up for this BPD monster character you're telling me about."

It's not even limited by location on the planet.  How far away is Australia from the Middle of the US?  I'm sure Antarctica is closer.  There's plenty of similarities in what grumpy donut describes to match as well.

So here's some original content that speaks to you're point.  I was visiting her out West and the last day she went in to work and I was to leave later that day by plane.  I brought her lunch.  She came in to meet me and was already unbalanced.  She was having problems with the one person she was in charge of supervising.  She was explaining the problem and started to tear up.  This seemed like the place where a normal person was seeking help/advice from their romantic partner so I said something like, "Why don't you sit him down and tell him how important it is he shows up on time, otherwise there's no chance he's going to get a raise..."  She snapped, "I know what to do!  Don't tell me what I should do!"  I was aghast and she went on lamenting to herself as if I wasn't really even there.  More tears, then she looked down at her sandwich and said, "Aww, you picked off all the extra onions for me", and half smiled trying to keep her mascara from running down her cheeks.  The owner of the company came in and realized it was a bad moment, but mentioned work stuff to my ex.  Looked at me disapprovingly (again, my fault I'm sure) and exited.  She just got up and left and said something about going back to work.  So I moseyed on alone in a strange town, realizing I was hitched to a strange girl.

Later in the relationship it would be the turning compliments around, etc... So how about this:  One-upmanship? Did your partner regularly try to top your story, or experience even when just casually relating an anecdote?  How about being accused of doing this (projection?) to them?

I think we truly are the lucky ones for getting out.  This isn't a contest you want to win, for sure...

[Ad Meliora]

But the application of the split to herself first is what is characteristic of the quiet types, I think... I also felt like I was split where she 'kept' the good me for herself but treated the real me like I didn't exist, which I think is another quiet characteristic. But that's just speculation.

Hi Poppy, I think I get where you're going with this and I think you may be onto something there.  I experienced it like this.  I believe she would talk me up to her friends and family (possibly overstating my abilities, characteristics, maybe even looks which would seem silly to me), but she would never I mean never say such positives to my face.  It was always cutting me down or casting doubt on my observations.  If that didn't work, overt sarcasm "Oh yeah, I can't live without you...what a laugh..."

Seeing clues of the good side she related to others was subtle and hard to pick up.  She introduced me to her sister and just said, "See...what did I tell you." as if she wanted credit for hooking me in.  About a week in to casually getting to know my ex, I went to a softball game to see some of her crew (mates) who's played together for 20+ years. Her friends all seemed to be filled in on details of the status of our relationship that I didn't know were happening.  One guy said, "I didn't realize things were so hot and heavy with you two."  I was like, "Nah, we're just work friends, we haven't even gone on a real date yet."  My BPDex didn't say anything at the time, but later that night she got angry at me for saying what I thought was the truth, and what she wanted me to say.

[Sappho11]

I actually emailed my ex back, I never was as honest as you guys in your letter but I do feel I got a lot off my chest I wanted to say. I stayed respectful because we have children together and I didn’t want him having anything to use against me with them. I wonder if I should post he’s email and my reply maybe yous could  syphon threw all he’s Me me me what about poor me me me?

By all means, I'd love to pick it apart!

I think it’s the 1st time I’ve not been upset that he doesn’t once take my feeling into account I’ve come to so much acceptance over the last 3 months without him. I have come so far and I am so proud of myself and I know you’s all feel the same and doesn’t it feel good to care about ourselves more than them finally?

Well done, Happiness, you're doing your nickname proud  Thank you for your well wishes, too!

Thankyou. You know I think I just felt so humiliated after being rejected I couldn't even differentiate things like this, but these threads are helping me to do so and I'm really grateful for that. Honestly the rejection made me want to 'hide' it which I think is actually a common, if ultimately pointless, response. (...)

after being discarded (I didn't even know what that was, I didn't think it was possible to do that to someone so totally) I used to fantasize about how I would 'get my own back', the fantasies of the powerless... like for example, she would write me and I would arrange to see her and not show up (so pathetic). Or I had recurring images of being dropped suddenly through a trapdoor into a dark cellar full or water... and then realized this is what she had done to me, and wishing it could be done to her. And basically, no revenge is possible, or even desirable, because in the end if you're not a destructive person you'll regret it. But they definitely deserve it, there's no question about that.

Believe me that it's cold comfort when I say that it's likely your ex will be back at some point. Most pwBPD return. Enough time passes, and they forget that they ever painted you black. My ex broke up with me twice and wanted nothing to do with me, and now here we are. You will eventually get your chance with your ex to do some rejecting yourself, I promise you. It's a statistical probability.

It's funny what you say about arguments and not getting your own in... You were scared he would fly off the handle, I was scared she would disappear without any explanation (it happened once before and I only see now how devastating it is). Different behaviours, but the same result. So I think a lot of what should be said in these relationships isn't said at the time. That's also why we (or at least I) feel resentful afterwards. The FOG is really something.
The thing that made my ex cut off all contact with me, or at least, possibly was - since she never explained, I never knew - was me also finally losing my temper after 6 weeks of trying to talk to her about *one *issue (more fool me, of course it only got worse and worse that way, with her finding ever more, ever more painful excuses) and saying in anger 'when are you going to make a commitment to me' (this is after 9 months of being together). So many provocations, but after this I was split black. It's funny because you had horrible fights but they didn't reach a 'core wound'.. we had no fights, but lots of avoidance of bad issues (honestly, from me too.. I was scared of triggering her avoidance) and then I believe a core wound was triggered and poof! the genie vanished forever into a morass of self-loathing (I can only presume) and victimization.

The self-loathing aspect is huge. I think your analysis is spot on.

What you say about your ex turning totally psychotic sounds very scary, I'm sorry to hear about that. I kind of can't imagine these full-blown BPD rages, bbbuuutt I can imagine the cosmically conscienceless smear campaign! Yup I survived that (so far)    and about an issue where she actually hurt me (the assault). Somehow I knew it would expose her and this is what I wanted to do, actuslly - she couldn't gaslight me into (further) denial

You did the right thing and stood up for yourself – and not only that, in the process you even managed to unmask your ex. That's a major feat to be proud of.

Does he actually talk like that, too, or does he just write like that? That's about as annoying as it gets. What a douche canoe.

Hahaha, "douche canoe" had me in literal tears!  I didn't know that was a term. Here's an Urban Dictionary definition for y'all's pleasure: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Douche%20Canoe (The pronunciation is definitely worth a click, too.)

While we were together, he actually spoke like a half-demented teenager. Before we got together and after we broke up, he tried to affect sophisticated speech, often with comically poor results. I guess it's another way of him trying to show his "superiority". 

PS - I actually think you should send the reply, especially since he's a narc. F*** him.

Admittedly, I considered it. Then I listened to a podcast today in which a psychologist said: "Your narcissist has never listened to you or taken your point of view seriously, so what makes you think today might be the magical day?" While I'd love to stick the metaphorical middle finger up to him, this would probably do more harm than good. Who knows, he might even draw supply from a negative interaction. Can't give him that.

Ibid, ditto, or whatever.  Yes Sappho, I think it just will be broken record time. The behaviors are the same.  If we were writing stories we'd all be sued for plagiarism!    "All you did Ad was reverse the gender, add about 20 years, and move the story to middle America... well, with a 3 month divergence to a state where gambling is legal (and so is marijuana), now that mixed things up for this BPD monster character you're telling me about."

That's such a good point! Reality really is stranger than fiction sometimes.

So here's some original content that speaks to you're point.  I was visiting her out West and the last day she went in to work and I was to leave later that day by plane.  I brought her lunch.  She came in to meet me and was already unbalanced.  She was having problems with the one person she was in charge of supervising.  She was explaining the problem and started to tear up.  This seemed like the place where a normal person was seeking help/advice from their romantic partner so I said something like, "Why don't you sit him down and tell him how important it is he shows up on time, otherwise there's no chance he's going to get a raise..."  She snapped, "I know what to do!  Don't tell me what I should do!"  I was aghast and she went on lamenting to herself as if I wasn't really even there.  More tears, then she looked down at her sandwich and said, "Aww, you picked off all the extra onions for me", and half smiled trying to keep her mascara from running down her cheeks.  The owner of the company came in and realized it was a bad moment, but mentioned work stuff to my ex.  Looked at me disapprovingly (again, my fault I'm sure) and exited.  She just got up and left and said something about going back to work.  So I moseyed on alone in a strange town, realizing I was hitched to a strange girl.

If I may add some nuance where it possibly isn't warranted, isn't that partially a classical male – female problem? Men try to problem-solve, while women desire someone to just listen to their woes, because venting to others is how many of us (are taught to) balance our feelings. So when a man comes up with a solution, he is genuinely trying to be helpful, while women just want someone to actively listen. I don't know, could be a truism. Her snapping is definitely over the top, though.

Later in the relationship it would be the turning compliments around, etc... So how about this:  One-upmanship? Did your partner regularly try to top your story, or experience even when just casually relating an anecdote?  How about being accused of doing this (projection?) to them?

He rarely did that, but that's probably only because it was obvious even to underachieving him that there wasn't a lot with which he could one-up anyone. The few times he tried, it ended rather comically for him and he didn't like that.

So I'm not familiar with that particular accusation (or I don't remember), but I can see the mechanism that might be at play here. A healthy person will occasionally respond to somebody else's anecdote with a similar anecdote of their own. It shows they're qualified to understand the other person's experience, and I suppose most conversations are based on this kind of back-and-forth.

When you're with a pwBPD, however, they immediately start measuring your anecdote up to theirs. If theirs is "better", they belittle you and devalue you. If theirs is "worse", they immediately start loathing themselves, and since they can't deal with that, they accuse you of hurting them and project, project, project.

This dynamic I knew all too well from all sorts of activities with my ex, drawing, cooking, playing board or video games – it was all a mental competition to him, and Heaven forbade if I "won"... that was guaranteed to bring about the next hours-long argument about my "wrongdoings" until the middle of the night.

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah Sappho, there may be some of that general male-female conundrum going on in that situation, but I am all but certain in that instance if I would've just listened she would've said in a demanding tone, "Don't you have anything to say!"  It was a no win situation.

I was often put in that place with my ex, regularly after we'd been intimate and she would come at me with various attacks of things I might do and weird scenarios about my previous ex's.  The thinking was so twisted I couldn't really make sense of it so I would just listen and not respond (there's also the chemicals released in my body to keep me relaxed and calm in that instance).  She would rant in a tirade, I would listen, and she would then say, "I know there's nothing you can really say to that..."  (Got that right sister). 

Understand, just like you want to be able to send a letter and have a decent resolution, I thought I was still dealing with a "normal" person just with a lot, a lot, of problems.

She was concerned about her appearance and when she would ask my advice  I would generally give it. She'd try on some blouses for a job interview, and pull out a low cut one and I'd say, "That's fantastic, a bit provocative for a job interview, though".  She'd agree and the next day she'd show me a picture of her wearing that blouse for the interview.  I often wondered the true purpose of asking my opinion.  Did she forget the conversation entirely?

I'm not completely dense, though pretty close sometimes.  If we get into male/female discussions.  She'd ask me if an outfit made her ass look big (for example), most guys know not to touch that with a 10 foot pole!  If she insisted I answer I would tell her, "You look beautiful" which was true in my eyes.

She never believed me when I told her she was beautiful, even though she had won a pageant when she was 18.  She would say, "I know you think so."  Again, as if my thinking was off kilter somehow.  There were no words or deeds that could ever please her, although I tried just about everything in the course of a year.

[grumpydonut]

Just to add my two cents, as I believe this story relates to what you said, Ad.

My ex, when cheating on me, created a Snapchat account using my previous exes name. Why? I'll never know. But there's definitely something about you ever having been with someone else that triggers them, and there's absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that.

[Sappho11]

Yeah Sappho, there may be some of that general male-female conundrum going on in that situation, but I am all but certain in that instance if I would've just listened she would've said in a demanding tone, "Don't you have anything to say!"  It was a no win situation.

My apologies, I didn't mean to be confrontational. I see the no-win situation now.

I was often put in that place with my ex, regularly after we'd been intimate and she would come at me with various attacks of things I might do and weird scenarios about my previous ex's.  The thinking was so twisted I couldn't really make sense of it so I would just listen and not respond (there's also the chemicals released in my body to keep me relaxed and calm in that instance).  She would rant in a tirade, I would listen, and she would then say, "I know there's nothing you can really say to that..."  (Got that right sister).  

Oh God, the rug pull after having been intimate... yes, do relate. Sorry you went through this, too. It's crazy the things they do and say once the fear of enmeshment creeps in. There's just never a good, stable moment.

She was concerned about her appearance and when she would ask my advice  I would generally give it. She'd try on some blouses for a job interview, and pull out a low cut one and I'd say, "That's fantastic, a bit provocative for a job interview, though".  She'd agree and the next day she'd show me a picture of her wearing that blouse for the interview.  I often wondered the true purpose of asking my opinion.  Did she forget the conversation entirely?

That sounds so manipulative. Who takes a picture of themselves going for an interview? And then shows it to someone else? Why? How odd.

I'm not completely dense, though pretty close sometimes.  If we get into male/female discussions.  She'd ask me if an outfit made her ass look big (for example), most guys know not to touch that with a 10 foot pole!  If she insisted I answer I would tell her, "You look beautiful" which was true in my eyes.

  From a woman's point of view, you gave the ideal answer! A key factor in getting that question right is NOT delaying your answer, not even by a second  

She never believed me when I told her she was beautiful, even though she had won a pageant when she was 18.  She would say, "I know you think so."  Again, as if my thinking was off kilter somehow.  There were no words or deeds that could ever please her, although I tried just about everything in the course of a year.

One of the posters here recently posted "You can't love someone to wellness". It's true. My ex never believed me either when I told him how handsome he was. For instance, from the first moment I saw him, I thought he had the most splendid nose I had ever seen. Guess what he really hated about his face? His nose. He was convinced that it completely disfigured him and there was no way of getting him to see it the way other people did, not even for a moment. No barrage of compliments, no taking photographs or drawing portraits of him. – Except, of course, shortly before both discards, when I caught him admiring himself in the mirror on more than one occasion.

So I got curious and googled the correlation between Body Dysmorphic Disorder and BPD, and lo, they do often co-occur (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25385388/), perhaps unsurprisingly; and the conclusion suggests that "these two disorders may share, at least partly, a common psychopathologic mechanism".

The only thing that did matter to my ex's mind was what other people thought. Once we ran into a big-ticket client of mine and when I told my ex that this client had sent me a playful text "Was that your boyfriend? Very handsome, I think", he was on cloud nine for the rest of the day. On the other hand, when he found out that a gay friend of mine didn't think him particularly attractive, he was crushed for days. And don't get me started on his mother... her word was gospel, to the point that he'd almost exclusively wear clothes and shoes which she had bought him.