hBPD Mother health - rough week for family

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My Mother is hypothesized BPD my my therapist.  And when I read up on it, she was right, therefore hBPD rather than uBPD.

She's a terror when she gets sick.  She tells everyone she's a good patient, quite the opposite.

(Edit to add:  She's in her 80s, but general health is more like late 60s.)  She went to hospital early this week.  Golden sister took her to ER Monday morning and she came home Thursday.  She had an infection that got out of hand and had to get IV antibiotics.  Some testing was done results to come.

I usually am the one who ends up being the caretaker, even though Golden Sister lives in same City and I'm 2 hours away.  Sister tried to get me to go take over on Tuesday.  My husband is high risk for Covid. He has TWO different conditions that make him extremely high risk.  When I told him that sister wanted me to go Tuesday, he flipped his lid.  Not because of the Covid risk at the hospital as much as the who does what.  He asked "Why is her job more important than yours that you have to take off of work every time anything happens when she has always been the favored one?"  (Actually, she is a school teacher and I have a job that I can do remotely and I have a generous family illness benefit at work, but that's beside the point.  He's still right, just for the wrong reason.)

I did end up going for part of one day to help my Dad with some things.  I came back home ASAP.  She came home from hospital while I was there.  I went with Dad to pick her up.  

She always tells people what a good patient she is.  No, she's a terrible patient.  I was praying while she was there.  Not for her because I knew she would get through it.  I was praying for her caretakers.  Her last 3 hospitalizations, I went and helped.  After coming home, all she did was complain that Dad would not do anything for her.  My Dad is the sweetest person in the world and will bend over backwards to do anything for anyone.  And in the case of her, he always bends over and does what she orders.  He's AFRAID of her and afraid to do otherwise.  She tried telling sister and me that he wouldn't get her any food.   Which we both knew was a lie.  

This time, she is not needing care.  She came home feeling better than when she went in, so she can get her own food if she wants.  If she doesn't want to, Dad will do whatever she asks.  

She did come home tired (who doesn't?)  She was saying what good care she got at the hospital.  Which didn't sound like her.  By the time I got home and made the "home ok" call to her, she was telling me what terrible treatment she got, so I know that she's feeling like her old self.

But she is now convinced that the testing that she got is going to reveal that she has cancer.  Whether she herself believes that or she wants others to believe that, I would not guess.   That makes me feel like a bad person, because although I don't think she does, I'm somewhat ambivalent about it.  

It just seems like everything stressful is 1000X more stressful with a Borderline.  For everyone around them.  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a well-named book.

[todayistheday]

My Mother is hypothesized BPD my my therapist.  And when I read up on it, she was right, therefore hBPD rather than uBPD.

She's a terror when she gets sick.  She tells everyone she's a good patient, quite the opposite.

(Edit to add:  She's in her 80s, but general health is more like late 60s.)  She went to hospital early this week.  Golden sister took her to ER Monday morning and she came home Thursday.  She had an infection that got out of hand and had to get IV antibiotics.  Some testing was done results to come.

I usually am the one who ends up being the caretaker, even though Golden Sister lives in same City and I'm 2 hours away.  Sister tried to get me to go take over on Tuesday.  My husband is high risk for Covid. He has TWO different conditions that make him extremely high risk.  When I told him that sister wanted me to go Tuesday, he flipped his lid.  Not because of the Covid risk at the hospital as much as the who does what.  He asked "Why is her job more important than yours that you have to take off of work every time anything happens when she has always been the favored one?"  (Actually, she is a school teacher and I have a job that I can do remotely and I have a generous family illness benefit at work, but that's beside the point.  He's still right, just for the wrong reason.)

I did end up going for part of one day to help my Dad with some things.  I came back home ASAP.  She came home from hospital while I was there.  I went with Dad to pick her up.  

She always tells people what a good patient she is.  No, she's a terrible patient.  I was praying while she was there.  Not for her because I knew she would get through it.  I was praying for her caretakers.  Her last 3 hospitalizations, I went and helped.  After coming home, all she did was complain that Dad would not do anything for her.  My Dad is the sweetest person in the world and will bend over backwards to do anything for anyone.  And in the case of her, he always bends over and does what she orders.  He's AFRAID of her and afraid to do otherwise.  She tried telling sister and me that he wouldn't get her any food.   Which we both knew was a lie.  

This time, she is not needing care.  She came home feeling better than when she went in, so she can get her own food if she wants.  If she doesn't want to, Dad will do whatever she asks.  

She did come home tired (who doesn't?)  She was saying what good care she got at the hospital.  Which didn't sound like her.  By the time I got home and made the "home ok" call to her, she was telling me what terrible treatment she got, so I know that she's feeling like her old self.

But she is now convinced that the testing that she got is going to reveal that she has cancer.  Whether she herself believes that or she wants others to believe that, I would not guess.   That makes me feel like a bad person, because although I don't think she does, I'm somewhat ambivalent about it.  

It just seems like everything stressful is 1000X more stressful with a Borderline.  For everyone around them.  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a well-named book.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Todayistheday,

The older my uBPDm got, the more unpredictable she became in regards to her illness complaints and sicknesses, yet at the same time there was a certain predictability after all. We knew that the pattern was for her to be ill or need to see a doctor whenever my siblings and I would see our dad (from whom she had been divorced for many years). It was so difficult to know what was the truth. Sounds like you're dealing with something similar.

It's good that you're trying to find a healthy balance there and that you're able to listen to your hubby and find what he's really trying to say. It's not easy dealing with someone who has BPD traits.

 
Wools