9 months post-breakup, and seeing someone new -- but maybe it's still too soon?

[WindofChange]

Hello there. It's been several months since I last visited. Between work, school and Covid, life's been a little busy, and draining. My ex and I called it quits (again) last December. Actually, it was him getting angry because I called him out on something, and ending things abruptly. I was deeply hurt, that rejection thing is hard for me to deal with (read: unbearable), but I guess it should have been no surprise.
I started getting out over the winter and doing day hikes with a male friend I'd known casually for several years. A couple of months in, he told me he was interested in me. I was floored. I told him it was too soon for me to be able to think about a romantic relationship. So we kept hiking some, and he was very forthright about how he felt about me. I guess it wore me down, and we became romantically involved in May. He is very good to me, always pays for dinner, buys me little things, tries to be understanding when I can't get together because I'm buried in schoolwork, etc. But he's intense, messaging me all day long, talking a lot about buying a house later on and us moving in together, constantly sending me ideas for weekend getaways.
In many ways, he's great. But I'm feeling like I need to back away. It feels like too much, and honestly, I'm not in love with him. I wanted to be...
So I wonder, is the problem me? Because of the emotional roller coaster I was used to, does this just not feel normal? Or is it because he's rushing things, talking about moving in together, sharing our lives together, when I'm just wanting to enjoy our time together kayaking or hiking, etc. I really don't know. Maybe it's both, maybe it was just too soon, and I needed to spend more time alone figuring things out.
Has anyone else experienced this after your BPD relationship ended?

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Wind-o-C.  I'm about 13 months out from my BPDex, and am not in the same situation as you, but could easily picture that happening.  I've been cooped up due to Covid and even though I'd very much like to be out meeting other people, after reading the stories of people who got back in too quickly I think it's good to take whatever time is needed and feels right.

My BPDex was always dodgy and not telling me the truth or how she felt about things.  I fell fast and hard for her.  I talked, jokingly, about selling our houses and moving up-north to live on a lake and watch minnows (that's what she wanted to do and about as complex of a thought she could muster about the future).  I wished she was honest with me and I repeatedly encouraged her to tell me how she felt instead of making up inane excuses or elaborate stories.

My advice, and this is solely based on what I'd like to hear from a person I'd be dating, is to be honest and tell him how you're feeling.  Maybe he's only half-serious and testing the waters with you about the moving in thing.  I know it can be hard, but I think most men appreciate honesty even if it isn't what they want to hear.  I think in post BPD relationships it's going to be paramount, and an absolute requirement, or it's quitsville for most guys.

I have a similar backstory to yours in the marriage department.  Thankfully when I got out it wasn't into a relationship with a BPD.  I'm sure it only complicated things.  Getting divorced was one of the hardest things I've had to go through.  Separating from my BPDx = harder.

[WindofChange]

Hi Ad Meliora, thanks for your response. I can totally empathize with dealing with the constant little lies, often over stuff that didn't even matter. All those lies made me a different person, paranoid and insecure, and convinced he was cheating. I still don't know if he was or wasn't.
You're right, I needed to be honest with the man I was seeing. I saw him and talked with him about everything. He is very serious about me, but I had to tell him I wasn't ready for all of that. I feel terrible for hurting him, but I had to say I am just not ready to be in a relationship yet. I thought I was, but I'm not. I do have feelings for him, but until I've completely put any unresolved feelings about my ex to rest, it isn't fair to him. So, we are putting things on hold for a while, and I guess in a few months we can see how we both feel.
You're right, getting over this type of relationship has been more difficult than any other relationship in my life, and I'm 53. It's funny, I thought when I was young and had those intense feelings, that when I got older, I wouldn't feel things so intensely. Ha ha, man, was I wrong.
So what do you do to keep yourself occupied? Are there any friends you feel safe seeing during Covid? Do you get out at all?

[Ad Meliora]

Hey Winds-o-C, sounds like you're on a good tack and things went as well as expected.  You should celebrate, somehow, mustering the courage to tell him the truth and actually taking a pause to re-evaluate things.  Good job.

You're right, getting over this type of relationship has been more difficult than any other relationship in my life, and I'm 53. It's funny, I thought when I was young and had those intense feelings, that when I got older, I wouldn't feel things so intensely. Ha ha, man, was I wrong.
So what do you do to keep yourself occupied? Are there any friends you feel safe seeing during Covid? Do you get out at all?

I was thinking about this point the other day, the pain point.  Emotional or physical it doesn't matter and really doesn't change or go away with age.  The emotional hurt was just as bad as it was when I was 17 (we could've been in the same highschool, me a Freshman you a Senior).  I think this makes sense, if you saw your father hit himself with a hammer in the hand he'd yell "Ow!", if you then hit yourself in the hand as a child you'd yell "Ow!"--okay the dad would add some to his response. 

Pain is pain, the only thing I think we gain with age is perspective and better tools to maybe try and avoid common sources of pain/suffering/entrapment.  Marcel Proust sums it up pretty good in this quote:

"Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed; to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only; pain we obey."

As to what I'm doing?  Not much.  I have a couple of friends over for backyard bbq and beers but not a whole lot else.  A former coworker was in town and visited in the yard.  She asked me the same question.  I said told her and she thought I needed to get out more.  Although, she had been living down in Tennessee and was going out to Jazz clubs regularly and not really heeding warnings.  She got Covid, said it was the worst thing she's been through (she's 55 maybe?), she said some of the musicians and friends she was hanging out with are now gone (dead). So I take that as a cautionary tale. I asked her if she was interested in finding a man/dating and she said "It's so much work!".   Yeah, I kinda get that and I suppose that feeling only increases with time.  But there is the payoff, right?  Companionship, conversation, shared ideas, human touch and intimacy?  Maybe if you've been burned enough you're like, "Nah, f-it, I'll just focus on myself..."

[WindofChange]

Thanks, Ad M, I do feel relieved for having the conversation. I really need to just spend more time on my own, or with platonic friends. It is hard, socializing during Covid. I have to go in to work every day, but other than that, I don't do a whole lot either. I try to get out some and hike (short day hikes), occasionally kayak. Problem for me is that I lost some friends over the past couple of years, major differences in political beliefs, and they chose to distance themselves. I won't discuss the politics here, of course, but it has been hard. I have one married friend I hike with some.
Good for you that you at least do some backyard barbecues. That is so sad about your friend, and her musician friends.
I get sometimes feeling like a relationship would be a lot of work. It's partly why I have never put up a dating profile (well, that and the fear I'd just end up attracting 'crazies,' .)
I don't want to ever give up on the hope for a future relationship, though. You're right, there is value in companionship, good conversation, intimacy, emotional and physical, all the things. But rushing into it is never a good idea, obviously, and I've made that mistake a few times.
I think my childish notion of thinking I wouldn't feel love and heartache so intensely as an older person was just that -- a childish belief. All of us here know it doesn't matter what our age, the pain and heartache can be severe. You are close in age to my ex, as he is just over 3 years younger. He was a freshman when I was a senior. Funny.
Well, happy Friday Eve! Almost the weekend!

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Wind-o-C.

I find being in nature to have intrinsic healing properties so your hikes and kayak trips sound like a great prescription to me.  I spend lots of time gardening and I work as a Master Gardener volunteer helping people grow tomatoes, peppers, beans etc... and providing extras to a food bank.  That work is rewarding for me, and even when no one is around, spending time in the large garden with the monarchs, goldfinches, and hummingbirds is relaxing.

I made my first post after I read this testimonial on this website, without really going into all the details of previous threads and forum contributors.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-0

I dated the female version, of course, but his case was close enough to what I experienced that I felt I had to jump in here.  I had been contemplating on-line  dating sites to meet people as a friend suggested, but I see that as desperate, especially for someone who prefers meeting people in person.  Once I saw that this guy seeks out relationships via online dating sites, that was it, I'm out.  No crazies for me--as you say.  We can't beat ourselves up too badly, the odds are stacked against us (what, 2-6% of the gen pop is BPD?), it's gonna happen eventually to most people.

I think you got it right.  Take it slow, more casual.  Going the other way, jumping in with both feet, just got me burned--bigtime.  This is the longest I've been partner-free since '93! I wasn't sure how I would "survive" without a partner.  Turns out I can get by just fine.  Lonely, yes, but I'm not in the mental anguish I was in a relationship with my BPDex.