I need help.

[AlwaysMean]

I got on the train to being coming more emotionally competent so that I could figure out was going on with my relationship. I am constantly doing something wrong, and am told to change my behavior. Yet, when I ask for something to be addressed which is usually something that makes me feel uncomfortable I am being "mean" or I am "punishing". Honestly, I feel all I am doing is trying establish boundaries ... After researching I believe my partner is BPD. Also, in the process I have learned about myself as well... My personality type is a problem solver which naturally I started investigating how to fix things. Now, I am obsessed with looking up terms and watching my partner's behavior play out. I suggested going back to couples counseling but my partner says not ready yet. I am afraid to give him an ultimatum because I struggling with the constant jealousy, emotional invalidation and isolation. I am trying not be selfish but I feel like I have to because protecting myself from abuse should happened along time ago... There are too many things to list... I am secretly seeing a counselor... It's so overwhelming I don't know what else to say.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm glad you found us and started posting.

What does your counselor have to say about all this?

How long have you been seeing this counselor?

Best,

FF

[once removed]

things can get better. we can help.

I got on the train to being coming more emotionally competent so that I could figure out was going on with my relationship. I am constantly doing something wrong, and am told to change my behavior. Yet, when I ask for something to be addressed which is usually something that makes me feel uncomfortable I am being "mean" or I am "punishing". Honestly, I feel all I am doing is trying establish boundaries ..

specifically, what is he asking for you to change? what are you asking him to change?

[pursuingJoy]

things can get better. we can help. 

This.   

It can be so draining to walk this path but you're learning some amazing things about yourself, your partner and your relationship. We look forward to getting to know you better.

pj

[AlwaysMean]

I'm glad you found us and started posting.

What does your counselor have to say about all this?

How long have you been seeing this counselor?

Best,

FF

My counselor tells me to call out everything that I am not comfortable with. I have the right to protect myself. I been seen this professional for about year and half. It's been a slow process of regaining my confidence after being emotionally invalidated to the point where I cannot make a decision even when asked to make the decision. I still feel that way even though my partner now takes time to make sure I get a choice now and then.

[AlwaysMean]

things can get better. we can help.

specifically, what is he asking for you to change? what are you asking him to change?

There are lots of things I am always doing something wrong. Even if it is just  calling my parents. Immediately as the phone is ringing, he becomes "Care to tell me what is going on?", "Who are you calling?", "What are you talking to them about?" or "You could have communicated with me before you do something." I use his phone because I broke mine intentionally because of the invasion of privacy 14 months ago. He swears we wont snoop into my government work emails again but at the same time expresses his fear me turning my phone back on. I have lost all my friends. He says we can hang out with my people as long as they are whole people. No matter how much assurance I give him the idea of me being around other people makes him jealous. When we are at community events me laughing with someone send him into an episode of "why don't you talk like that with me?" which gets so uncomfortable that we sit in the car for hours in intense conversation. Honestly, its hard to keep a conversation going on forever with someone who knows your every movement throughout the day for fear abandonment... What am I suppose to tell him what is new when he asks me to constantly update him when I am at work and then when I am on home he needs to be glued to me because he has expressed his jealousy over my coworkers spending 8 hours with me a day at work?

On my end. I ask for some space, privacy, personal autonomy and security in me utilizing devices. I am using a work computer for this. Anytime I pick up any form communication he gets triggered.

[thankful person]

Hi always mean,
I can totally relate as my wife is extremely similar. When we first met we were staying in a hotel and I answered the phone to my mum but couldn’t hear her so walked outside to talk to her. This caused enormous problems. Then another time we were shopping for furniture and I answered the phone to my mum. How dare I talk to my mum when I’m supposed to be attending 100% to my beloved? So it got to a point where I literally only pick up the phone or call mum with permission or even better my wife’s suggestion. Problem is, mum has stopped ringing me now. It’s very hard.

[pursuingJoy]

AlwaysMean, the jealousy sounds exhausting.

Many folks here quote the 3 c's as a reminder: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I love that you're working towards some autonomy and independence.

Does your counselor agree that your partner may have BPD? If so, do they have experience with BPD?

[AlwaysMean]

AlwaysMean, the jealousy sounds exhausting.

Many folks here quote the 3 c's as a reminder: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I love that you're working towards some autonomy and independence.

Does your counselor agree that your partner may have BPD? If so, do they have experience with BPD?

I need a 3C's t-shirt or bracelet or something. For now sticky note will have to do. Thanks.

Yes, My counselor seems to agree that I am dealing with  BPD. Yes, her main practice is in Marriage Counseling.

[AlwaysMean]

Hi always mean,
I can totally relate as my wife is extremely similar. When we first met we were staying in a hotel and I answered the phone to my mum but couldn’t hear her so walked outside to talk to her. This caused enormous problems. Then another time we were shopping for furniture and I answered the phone to my mum. How dare I talk to my mum when I’m supposed to be attending 100% to my beloved? So it got to a point where I literally only pick up the phone or call mum with permission or even better my wife’s suggestion. Problem is, mum has stopped ringing me now. It’s very hard.

Yes, that does sounds very similar. There are many things that I like to do but only do with his permission, suggestion or making it feel like it was his idea. It kind of hurts to be releasing this... I am glad to have people who can relate... thanks.

[thankful person]

Always mean I’m glad you have a therapist. I’m not allowed to do this because my wife doesn’t want to be talked about and also I think she wouldn’t want someone confirming to me that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I shouldn’t stand for it. I’m so glad I found this forum, although it seriously feels like a betrayal, it is also surely helping me stay sane, become stronger.. ultimately I am aiming for a more healthy relationship. I understand that this is in my hands and that I can’t expect her to change especially when she doesn’t see anything as needing to change, other than me becoming a better wife of course. But by getting better at boundaries and self respect and self care, I hope she will also eventually become happier. Ironically I have worked with children with behavioural issues for many years and I used to be one myself. My wife is certainly the hardest person I have ever had to deal with though. The advice on here seems pretty specialist to bpd which is so helpful. I am more used to dealing with autism in my work and it is so much simpler, even though many of the outward behaviours are the same, the best way to communicate is often totally different.