8 weeks out from final discard and had a coffee date

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Saturday was 8 weeks since I was unceremoniously discarded (final discard, the first was in Feb). I also went on a coffee date with someone I met a few months back in a trivia group we both attend (which I joined after the first discard to try and make friends and get my mind of the ex). He's a really nice guy, age appropriate (the ex was 13 years younger), I do like him and we had a great conversation. He wants to get together again, maybe make dinner for me. You can probably see where this is going...
I'm struggling. Half way through the date I realized I wasn't sure if I was physically attracted to him. I think he's decent looking, probably even good looking, but I don't feel that spark of physical attraction that I had with my ex (honestly, all my exes). 
The thing is that I think its my exBPD skewing my attraction, if that makes sense. Like, I still want him (exBPD), even though the sex wasn't great (basic missionary, no foreplay, no regard for me at all - I'm super jealous of everyone who says sex with their BPD was amazing , he didn't treat me well, I know it wouldn't have ever worked out, for numerous reasons, but there is some chemical reaction that is f**king with me right now. Is there an antidote?

What the heck do I do?  Obviously I have a lot of work to do on myself (which I knew and am working on) and it's probably a little soon to start dating. Date seems like a good guy, we have mutual interest in getting to know each other but I'm scared that I will ruin it because of this. I am aware it was one date and not a marriage proposal    I'm scared Mr BPD is going to be taking up residence in my brain for too long and ruin any prospects I have in the future.

[ILMBPDC]

Saturday was 8 weeks since I was unceremoniously discarded (final discard, the first was in Feb). I also went on a coffee date with someone I met a few months back in a trivia group we both attend (which I joined after the first discard to try and make friends and get my mind of the ex). He's a really nice guy, age appropriate (the ex was 13 years younger), I do like him and we had a great conversation. He wants to get together again, maybe make dinner for me. You can probably see where this is going...
I'm struggling. Half way through the date I realized I wasn't sure if I was physically attracted to him. I think he's decent looking, probably even good looking, but I don't feel that spark of physical attraction that I had with my ex (honestly, all my exes). 
The thing is that I think its my exBPD skewing my attraction, if that makes sense. Like, I still want him (exBPD), even though the sex wasn't great (basic missionary, no foreplay, no regard for me at all - I'm super jealous of everyone who says sex with their BPD was amazing , he didn't treat me well, I know it wouldn't have ever worked out, for numerous reasons, but there is some chemical reaction that is f**king with me right now. Is there an antidote?

What the heck do I do?  Obviously I have a lot of work to do on myself (which I knew and am working on) and it's probably a little soon to start dating. Date seems like a good guy, we have mutual interest in getting to know each other but I'm scared that I will ruin it because of this. I am aware it was one date and not a marriage proposal    I'm scared Mr BPD is going to be taking up residence in my brain for too long and ruin any prospects I have in the future.

[Dad50]

I have this same fear as well.  A long time ago I was in a sexless 10 year marriage. Then with my exwBPD it was 5 years of sex twice a day . Granted that was too much and a bit ridiculous, but I too worry that I won't find someone who has that similar drive and that I am attracted to in that way. 

I understand the feeling of your ex ruining it for every future possibility.  I am starting to feel, with more distance that my idealization of my ex was just that, an idealization. With more distance I am seeing them for who they were and are. It is lessening the attraction for them and opening the attraction to maybe someone new.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi ILMBPC,

Who says you have to date him?  This is just a trivia group right?  Can you be friends first?  Another cup of coffee...a latte this time?   

I'm struggling. Half way through the date I realized I wasn't sure if I was physically attracted to him. I think he's decent looking, probably even good looking, but I don't feel that spark of physical attraction that I had with my ex (honestly, all my exes).

Also, who cares about looks?  Do you have to be with an Adonis to play trivia and drink coffee?  Your BPDx sounds attractive, and how did that go for you?  I only say this because I was in the same boat there.

I was like you 8 weeks afterward.  I thought I 'had to get out there'.  I'm glad I didn't (and Covid helped with that).  It gave me time to ruminate on the relationship (not good), but gave me time to reflect and think about what got me hooked into the toxic r/s with my BPDx.  She found a hole in my self-worth and exploited it.  I was too dependent on having validation from my romantic partner, and she was spartan in dealing that out, so it was torture for me to be with her.  This goes back to past relationships too, now I can see that.

As far as the physical part, my BPDx was not adventurous at all, so if I used the term "great" inadvertently it was to describe intense feelings, heightened emotions, and that I found her touch electric/magnetic.  We could set those feelings off with each other just by touching each other, a kiss on the back of the neck (for example).  These things made it "great" for me.  As far as the sex act itself, she would've been fine with basic only.  I asked if she would want to try something different, she said "If it works, it works, why ruin it".  So I didn't ruin it.  I just let her ruin my life!  (An overstatement to make a point)

[ILMBPDC]

Who says you have to date him?  This is just a trivia group right?  Can you be friends first?  Another cup of coffee...a latte this time?   

No, I don't have to date him. I do like him, we get along, have great conversations, and I guess maybe part of me is worried I don't have all that many chances left in life. 

Also, who cares about looks?  Do you have to be with an Adonis to play trivia and drink coffee?  Your BPDx sounds attractive, and how did that go for you?  I only say this because I was in the same boat there.

It's not really about looks, its about attraction. My ex was attractive, not an adonis by any means. This guy is attractive, but I'm not sure I'm attracted to him. Ugh, I don't know how to explain it.

I was like you 8 weeks afterward.  I thought I 'had to get out there'. 

Well, I actually don't think I have to get out there - as a matter of fact I have literally said I'm not ready as recently as a week or so ago -  this was a fluke, I like him but I think it highlights that I'm not ready. I don't know if I ever will be, between Mr BPD and the psychopath con man previous ex (I didn't date for 10 years in between them). But on another level, I know I'm starting to get scared I will die alone. I understand that is an extreme way of thinking but I just can't seem to get it right. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. And, yes, I am in therapy.

She found a hole in my self-worth and exploited it.  I was too dependent on having validation from my romantic partner, and she was spartan in dealing that out, so it was torture for me to be with her.  This goes back to past relationships too, now I can see that.

Yeah my self worth has been an issue my whole life. And these people know how to find us and exploit it. He's not the first (reference my note about my last ex who was - literally - a con man. As in, in jail repeatedly for conning women. And the great love of my life - the man I had a child with - was a serial cheater.)

As far as the physical part, my BPDx was not adventurous at all, so if I used the term "great" inadvertently it was to describe intense feelings, heightened emotions, and that I found her touch electric/magnetic. 

OK, yeah I get that. I said more than one that I had no idea why I was so drawn to him - honestly I still don't. There was just...something... magnetic about him.  And I know I'm not the only one, he complained to me about the woman he dated before me not being able to let go, months later she was still calling him. I see now why that was.

[ILMBPDC]

I understand the feeling of your ex ruining it for every future possibility.  I am starting to feel, with more distance that my idealization of my ex was just that, an idealization. With more distance I am seeing them for who they were and are. It is lessening the attraction for them and opening the attraction to maybe someone new.

you know what is frustrating?  I  know he is not right for me, I know I fell in love with someone who didn't truly exist, that what I loved the most was him mirroring aspects of me, I know this isn't a reflection of me, its his issue, his messed up brain, I know we wouldn't have lasted and any relationship would have been a s**tstorm.  I honestly don't want his energy in my life, I felt chaotic trying to figure him out and keep up with his changing personality and yet...he still can somehow affect me, even though we haven't had contact of any kind in over 8 weeks.

Seriously, is there an antidote?

PS Dad50, I'm glad to hear you are making progress!

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks for clarifying some of your points ILM.  Generally, I'm feeling fine at 49, but I'd be lying if the "dying alone" scenario didn't creep in here from time to time.  I just felt so beat up, chewed up, messed up from this relationship with my BPDex I hardly knew which end was up, just glad I got out!

You seem like you have a pretty good handle on things.  You're a mom of an adult.  Seems to me you're already important in the lives of others.  People like you who are brave enough to post and share their stories are what have helped me to get "unstuck" as I was frozen in my thinking on this for about a year.

I'm fairly confident I'll find someone along the way.  If not (or even if so), I need to keep taking care of myself so that in that "worst case scenario" I'm okay with it.  (Please, God, don't let that come true, AHHHH!) 

[ILMBPDC]

Thanks for clarifying some of your points ILM.  Generally, I'm feeling fine at 49, but I'd be lying if the "dying alone" scenario didn't creep in here from time to time.  I just felt so beat up, chewed up, messed up from this relationship with my BPDex I hardly knew which end was up, just glad I got out!

You seem like you have a pretty good handle on things.  You're a mom of an adult.  Seems to me you're already important in the lives of others.  People like you who are brave enough to post and share their stories are what have helped me to get "unstuck" as I was frozen in my thinking on this for about a year.

I'm fairly confident I'll find someone along the way.  If not (or even if so), I need to keep taking care of myself so that in that "worst case scenario" I'm okay with it.  (Please, God, don't let that come true, AHHHH!) 

I was alone for a long time, and seemingly was fine with it. After my daughter reached adulthood and it was apparent she would be moving out (it was supposed to be this year, but that has been pushed back since she broke her leg recently), I had a realization that I had put my focus on raising her for so long that I didn't know who I was and I started freaking out about that and "dying alone".   I'm coming up on 47, never been married (which some men see as a red flag in women, though how that is more of a red flag than a woman who has been divorced multiple times, idk), fatter and less attractive than the last time I dated, an introvert with PTSD, depression and low self esteem, a woman who knows how to wield power tools and is not good at acting helpless so a man can feel "needed" ... I basically am now up in my head about this dying alone thing.  I hate dating - I just want to start at, like, 5 years in, when things are settled and comfortable.

Rationally, I don't want Mr BPD. But when they say its like a drug addition, they are right - chemically he's still affecting me and it sucks. Couple that with all of my own issues (see above) and I feel doomed.