Not estrangement, but family absent: Question about resources

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone! I'm not sure how to word this question. It isn't about estrangement or no contact, but something else. Are there resources to help a person cope with the absence of biological family in their life, such as not having a parent to turn to for advice, not seeing family at holidays, not having the family support system as a child and as an adult? Books, websites, something on this site? Maybe even emotional coping tools used by adoptees might be useful.

My parents moved around a fair bit while I lived with them and even after I moved out. Besides my parents, I only had local biological family members in my daily life for about 6 years as a toddler/child. BPD mom is partly why I'm distant from parents and couldn't consistently rely on them growing up, nor now. Dad was sometimes working in another state or just gone at work most days/nights and our communication is limited by BPD mom. Extended family have issues of mental illness, alcoholism, some crime and abuse etc. However I've never gone no contact with anyone in my family - just keep it light, distant, pleasant. Extended family contact my parents, who then may or may not convey information to me (graduations, marriages, deaths, etc). Most of my family are strangers to me (I don't know them / about them, I didn't grow up with them in my life). In short: my experience of "family" has been pretty limited to contact and communication with just BPD mom and I suspect this is at least partly circumstantial (geography) and partly intentional by my parents, who have told me horror stories about both their families and mostly said keep away from them. I now limit my contact with BPD mom (still keeping in touch) but even before that, she certainly didn't fill this family void due to no real fault of her own (rather it's her illness).

From a very young age I sought "family of choice" (the senior friends metaphorically adopted as grandparents, the teenage friends adopted as older siblings, etc) but non-bio "family" don't include you in holiday gatherings or send birthday cards or exchange gifts or have big dinners together or go on vacations together etc (they do all that stuff with their bio family). I've also connected strongly to a church community which helped (before the pandemic, especially at Thanksgiving and Christmas) for sharing milestones in my life - unfortunately, one such milestone is aging out of their young adult program which I did last year. But church doesn't really care about me, there's a limit there to how emotionally connected people are. Of course I do enjoy volunteering, but the only call I received from anyone at church since the start of the pandemic was just to ask me to volunteer for a position! Church people also typically have family. Ex: our church cuts short the Christmas Eve service "so people can rush off to their parties and family dinners"...and, I just go home and feel lonely.

There must be other people out there, such as refugees, adoptees/aged out of foster care system, elders, survivors of disasters, estranged people, who spend holidays primarily alone or with a spouse only, who don't have bio family in their life for decades at a time and had to come to a healthy emotional acceptance of this and found nice coping strategies or groups that empathize with this? Or possibly it's just natural that this will hurt for the rest of my life.

This is my Family Fantasy, can anyone relate? Ideally, I've dreamed since I was a kid to be able to offer my love and support to people who are "like family" in my local area (who are willing to share holiday time and actually treat me like family). Importantly, I want a reciprocal emotional connection to people I can do yardwork and favors for, exchange gifts on our birthdays or bring over Christmas presents for their tree, have them over for dinners at my house just to cook together and laugh, enjoy 4th of July picnics, attend a concert or show, feel natural/comfortable visiting their house and helping myself to the fridge like I see people do at their parents' house in movies, Thanksgiving dinners and summer trips to a national park, hide Easter eggs for the little kids to find, attend their graduation ceremony or retirement party. I want to fill this hole in my heart OR at least better come to terms with the loneliness and lack of day-to-day family presence that I've grown up seeing others have. I want the love in action. It may require a reframing of expectations/hopes regarding holidays and milestones, for example. I can't pull family out of a hat like a magician does a rabbit.

[Teabunny]

Hi everyone! I'm not sure how to word this question. It isn't about estrangement or no contact, but something else. Are there resources to help a person cope with the absence of biological family in their life, such as not having a parent to turn to for advice, not seeing family at holidays, not having the family support system as a child and as an adult? Books, websites, something on this site? Maybe even emotional coping tools used by adoptees might be useful.

My parents moved around a fair bit while I lived with them and even after I moved out. Besides my parents, I only had local biological family members in my daily life for about 6 years as a toddler/child. BPD mom is partly why I'm distant from parents and couldn't consistently rely on them growing up, nor now. Dad was sometimes working in another state or just gone at work most days/nights and our communication is limited by BPD mom. Extended family have issues of mental illness, alcoholism, some crime and abuse etc. However I've never gone no contact with anyone in my family - just keep it light, distant, pleasant. Extended family contact my parents, who then may or may not convey information to me (graduations, marriages, deaths, etc). Most of my family are strangers to me (I don't know them / about them, I didn't grow up with them in my life). In short: my experience of "family" has been pretty limited to contact and communication with just BPD mom and I suspect this is at least partly circumstantial (geography) and partly intentional by my parents, who have told me horror stories about both their families and mostly said keep away from them. I now limit my contact with BPD mom (still keeping in touch) but even before that, she certainly didn't fill this family void due to no real fault of her own (rather it's her illness).

From a very young age I sought "family of choice" (the senior friends metaphorically adopted as grandparents, the teenage friends adopted as older siblings, etc) but non-bio "family" don't include you in holiday gatherings or send birthday cards or exchange gifts or have big dinners together or go on vacations together etc (they do all that stuff with their bio family). I've also connected strongly to a church community which helped (before the pandemic, especially at Thanksgiving and Christmas) for sharing milestones in my life - unfortunately, one such milestone is aging out of their young adult program which I did last year. But church doesn't really care about me, there's a limit there to how emotionally connected people are. Of course I do enjoy volunteering, but the only call I received from anyone at church since the start of the pandemic was just to ask me to volunteer for a position! Church people also typically have family. Ex: our church cuts short the Christmas Eve service "so people can rush off to their parties and family dinners"...and, I just go home and feel lonely.

There must be other people out there, such as refugees, adoptees/aged out of foster care system, elders, survivors of disasters, estranged people, who spend holidays primarily alone or with a spouse only, who don't have bio family in their life for decades at a time and had to come to a healthy emotional acceptance of this and found nice coping strategies or groups that empathize with this? Or possibly it's just natural that this will hurt for the rest of my life.

This is my Family Fantasy, can anyone relate? Ideally, I've dreamed since I was a kid to be able to offer my love and support to people who are "like family" in my local area (who are willing to share holiday time and actually treat me like family). Importantly, I want a reciprocal emotional connection to people I can do yardwork and favors for, exchange gifts on our birthdays or bring over Christmas presents for their tree, have them over for dinners at my house just to cook together and laugh, enjoy 4th of July picnics, attend a concert or show, feel natural/comfortable visiting their house and helping myself to the fridge like I see people do at their parents' house in movies, Thanksgiving dinners and summer trips to a national park, hide Easter eggs for the little kids to find, attend their graduation ceremony or retirement party. I want to fill this hole in my heart OR at least better come to terms with the loneliness and lack of day-to-day family presence that I've grown up seeing others have. I want the love in action. It may require a reframing of expectations/hopes regarding holidays and milestones, for example. I can't pull family out of a hat like a magician does a rabbit.

[Turkish]

Hi Teabunny,

I was adopted by a single mother with BPD (depression and anxiety). She wasn't a black sheep in her family, but a lost one. The last time I saw one of her/my family was in 1982, her niece. I always resented my mom for this. She/ we had a huge Midwestern family, yet we were stuck in California. She couldn't even afford to fly me back with her to say goodbye to my dying aunt. I also resent my ex because I mostly had to give up her close knit family after she left, though I still see them now and then.

It's sad that you haven't found connection through church. I made friendly acquaintances, but I found that an older single dad didn't fit the mold of most families in the church, at least the evangelical model which I think has a lot of faults. Like demanding your time, but offering little real solace, comfort or connection. My kids and I are currently churchless after the pandemic.

I'm hesitant to explore further to be only disappointed again. I'm not sure how much of that is me and my asocial/introvert tendencies or the lack of others.

What I'll confess about myself is that I'm hesitant to reach out to others due to historical disappointment. That, and being a hyper-independant latchkey kid of the 80s. 

We adopted kids have our own issues that others can't really relate to.

Have you explored other churches or volunteer opportunities?

I don't have any resources to share, but I'll listen and we can talk.

[missing NC]

Hi Teabunny,

I really appreciated your post for several reasons. Not the least is that it prompted me to email an elderly friend of my later mother and to respond to a friendly email from former neighbors and suggest a way of keeping in closer contact.  The timing of your query is uncanny as just last night I was saying to a friend that I was happy that my friends have really stepped up to acknowledge my son’s milestones and enfold us like members of their families but that I was also wistful and a more than a bit sad that our actual family is not able to do so. 

These friends are the “fantasy family” you describe. We spend Thanksgiving with them. We spent a Christmas with them once, but I find it easier emotionally to see them before Christmas and travel on Christmas day. The upside of flying on Christmas day is that it’s so much easier to book a flight and get through the airport than traveling the week before. 

Your reference to sharing your love and support in your local areas reminds me of one of my favorite holiday memories from many years ago. A friend and I put together a Christmas party (on Christmas day) for the moms and kids at an abused women’s shelter.  The participants were thrilled, and my friend and I had a wonderful time. 

In my case, the wistfulness remains.  To be honest, I presume it always will.  If you are young enough to be transitioning out of a young adult group at your church, you may at some point notice yourself finding family with a significant other and that person’s family.  Or you may find family with a future child and eventually with his or her significant other or spouse.  Whatever happens, it’s natural for the primacy of one’s family of origin to fade.  I wonder how much of the horror stories you have been told are true and by extension if it’s worth reaching out your second-cousins or distant aunts and uncles (if that appeals to you). 

[Methuen]

Hi Teabunny,

I hear where you are coming from.  You want a sense of family, without it necessarily being bio family.

I don't have resources to recommend, but rather a couple of thoughts to share.

Our children grew up with only a grandma and grandpa, since I am an only child.  Their grandpa died when they were 6 and 8 years old, which only left their grandma, my uBPD mom.  My H has a sister, but she's a SIL with PD problems of her own, and was not at all present as bio family.  They did have an Oma and Opa, but they lived far away, and only got to see them once a year for a short period. They passed away some time ago. So basically, they grew up without aunts/uncles or any cousins.  We had best friends who moved away, but remained "our family", despite the distance.  We visited multiple times per year, talked on the phone/FaceTime often, and even travelled together on road trips as the kids were growing up.  They were "godparents", and our children bonded to them as family.  Their kids were the same age.  While they weren't bio, they were certainly family to all 4 of us.

Perhaps the silver lining of not having bio family (other than BPD grandma) was that the 4 of us are pretty tightly bonded, possibly because it's all we have for family.  Our S26, and D24 come home every chance they get, and still like to travel with us (pre Covid).  During Covid, travel consists of camping in the wilderness.

I would consider volunteering opportunities.  Since retiring in 2017, I have done a lot of volunteering.  One of the non-profits I volunteer at is a society whose purpose is to support new immigrants to Canada in my little town.  They arrive in a new country with a new culture, a language they are not familiar with, a system that is bewildering, and no family at all.  It is overwhelming.  The non-profit becomes their family by providing a number of programs and opportunities to support their transition into the local community.  There are all kinds of activities such as multi-cultural potlucks, community gardening, hiking, multi-cultural dancing, multi-cultural celebrations (at different times including Christmas), you name it.  I am a volunteer English tutor.  In your opening post you mentioned refugees which made me think of this particular society I volunteer with (there are job opportunities too but I passed up on that).  Lots of people balk at volunteering, because they say if you are going to work, you might as well get paid for it.  But I can honestly say I get back as much or even more as I give, but not in money.  This group of people is wonderful and fun to work with, so appreciative of everything, and they too are without family.  They truly create their new family with people they meet once they are here.  It is truly special.  

I would also not give up on the idea of a church family.  Maybe go "church shopping" to find the right church community that better matches what you are looking for.  Every church has it's own culture.  In my experience, some churches can be quite "cliquey" or have a unique community, just like villages/towns or cities can each have their own unique culture.  I would church shop until you find one that does take the time to get to know you, care about you, and welcome you to join their activities.  Chances are good you will find someone you can bond with at a deeper level emotionally.  I hear you when you say the church types typically have their own family.  I would look for a church with more singles, of various age groups.

Since I grew up as a lonely only with a work-a-holic father and my uBPD mother, I grew up around adults and was present any time they visited with friends.  If they went out, I went with them.  As a result, I grew up being very comfortable around older people and the elderly, some of whom became "like family".  Sometimes "like family" comes in unexpected places.

I want the love in action. It may require a reframing of expectations/hopes regarding holidays and milestones, for example.

I love this.  Absolutely love it.  You'll get there Teabunny.  The pandemic has made things so much more difficult when it comes to meeting, socializing, and volunteering.  Especially as a new volunteer in the pandemic.  But keep searching for those opportunities.  There are a ton of other single and lonely people out there, especially now in the pandemic.  And some of them are needing someone just like you to bond with.  

[pursuingJoy]

In my case, the wistfulness remains. 

Same here.

Teabunny, just want you to know you're not alone. I went low contact with my family of origin (many reasons, long story for another day) so I worked hard to build my chosen family with my husband, kids and friends who are single or disconnected. For about 5 years holidays were just hopping.

Kids have now decided they want nothing to do with me and moved in with their bio dad. We were planning a reunion but politics have torn my close extended family apart. Pandemic means a high risk best friend has to isolate and I can't see her or her husband. Some days the leftover bits of my piecemeal 'framily' just feels like so much work - it takes energy I don't have to initiate. Some days I'm just sad and I grieve losses. Other days are ok, I get by and I'm thankful.

I wish you lived close to me, I'd totally invite you to my house for game nights and bonfires and Friendsgiving. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. We're your framily too, you know.   

[Teabunny]

Thanks to all of you for thoughtful, insightful replies and stories! Very good suggestions. Thanks for the encouragement and empathy, especially.

I'm meeting in person with a cousin in a few days ! and have been so nervous about it. Not no contact, but, it's been about 5 years since I saw my parents, and over 14 years since I saw any bio family other than parents (one aunt and a cousin - and that was extremely unusual as it had already been years at that point). This other cousin I don't recall seeing since we were around 5-10 years old.

I found much solace and ideas in articles like "adoption reunion top tips" because they spoke to my feelings, questions and needs, despite me not being an adoptee and of course not claiming that I could ever know what that's like 100%.

"It is not your job to make this person like you"

"you were worthy then and you are worthy now"

"you can’t force your parents to give their blessing, but you can know this: it is your absolute right to search, find and reunite with as many biological relatives as you wish to. No ifs, no buts, no debts owed to anyone and please no sneaking around – it devastates the soul." -Claire, UK adoption blog

lack of knowing what to talk about, how you shouldn't discuss traumatic past family events at the first meeting but keep it on neutral, positive ground

how to handle expectations of future connection, etc.

[beatricex]

Hi Teabunny,
You asked an important question, I am glad you are here.

Wish I could give you a big hug in 3D.  This is the real dilemna, there are no "real life" support groups for thise who are orphans by choice.

Just come here when you need to. 

b

[Methuen]

I'm meeting in person with a cousin in a few days !

Let us know how it goes!

I'm putting myself in your shoes, and if it were me, I think one place to find neutral common ground meeting your cousin for the first time would be activities, and keep going until you find that interest that connects you in some way.  Sports?  Music?  Hobbies?  Nature?  Pets?  Skills?  Then the conversation will look after itself, and it's positive, and avoids family. 

When I was 20 I went to a job interview.  I happened to be wearing a musical note pin on a lapel - because I forgot to take it off for the interview.   It was such a random thing.  At the interview, once we got past the introductions, the interviewer commented on my lapel pin, and for the next 45 min we talked about music.  You just never know what little thing will make a connection with someone.  I got the job. 

Maybe try to find something you both enjoy that you can do together for the next meeting?  A walk, or hike, or biking, or meet somewhere you would both like to go (an outdoor cafe, a game, an event)?

"It is not your job to make this person like you"

Love this so much.  Just be your authentic self, and they will come to you if it's meant to be.  Rather than be nervous (worrying about the future), I encourage you to just live in the moment. Maybe try to nudge your feeling away from nervousness...and towards anticipation...?

I can't help myself anymore Teabunny.  It's driving me crazy - your name.  I have been absolutely wild about rabbits since I learned to talk.  My mom was anti-pet, but when I was 16, a bunny showed up in an Easter basket.  It may have been my dad's doing, especially since he built the hutch and helped me learn to care for her.  At any rate, her name was Clover, and she patiently listened to all my problems, and melted them away with her wiggly nose.  Her and I used to play "tag".  Unfortunately she only lived 4 years, and I had already left home, but to this day I have rabbits in special places on my walls and in my kitchen. 

So with a name like yours, you are the awesomest person ever.

[Teabunny]

So with a name like yours, you are the awesomest person ever.

Thank you!

I will for sure let everyone know how it goes.

It's fairly therapeutic just preparing to meet I guess. It's forcing me to work through stuff. I'm turning to inner strength and grey truths (not black/white) such as the fact that family naturally fluctuates for everyone as there are births, deaths, marriages, divorces, moves, estrangement etc. Much about family is a lottery, some of it is within our choices. This meeting is challenging me not to fear / avoid this cousin due to issues of violence, rape, suicide and health problems in his nuclear family - he's an individual person who ought to have the chance to be seen for who he is (not what our family has done to itself). This is a good test to see if I can practice healthy boundaries if need be, although I don't trust myself entirely yet. Hopefully, it'll be a healthy connection with bio family!

The big thing I need to prepare for is if he asks about family/related issues. What if he is surprised I don't know anything about how the last few decades of his life went? When his sisters and I connected on social media relatively recently, they were surprised to know I didn't know my godfather (uncle) was dying. Wondered why my parents hadn't told me. Will he (probably) ask how my parents are doing?

I'm aiming for honesty that still respects everyone's privacy, doesn't shut him down, and doesn't apologize for things that are not my fault. Can I practice here? [drafted this many times!]

"I wish I could've been involved in your milestones in life, but before us cousins connected on social media, I didn't have an avenue of communication and my parents don't communicate much. Honestly I don't know how my parents are doing right now (especially your uncle, my dad) but I think they're in decent health. Mom has hobbies and dad is working hard at his job. They've always had marriage problems and my mom struggles with mental health issues, so I haven't had a conversation with them since sometime in 2020, although I tried a half dozen times. I send them cards, emails, update videos etc but mostly hear back from mom, not dad. This year I started exploring self-help resources and therapy to understand our family dynamic better. I didn't grow up in [name of your hometown] with family living close by, and my nuclear family's problems have made the geographic distance harder to bridge. I'd love to be informed about how things are going with everyone and I hope we can all keep in touch."

Fingers crossed he don't ask! 

I'd also considered going with generic "um my parents are fine thanks" or "I just forgot you were married" etc But I'm uncomfortable with hiding the truth 100% - privacy is good, but if I act like everything's great in my nuclear family, that has created/will create confusion or problems in my (new) relationships with my cousins. Like me not knowing things they think I should know. And I really want to be authentic,  be myself, just open and casual not anxiously hiding things. Plus if I'm honest, they'll realize that we all need to communicate directly if they want me to know something (going through my parents won't reach me).

Eternally grateful for this forum. Constantly discovering new things / reasons it's so awesome!
Thank you.

[Methuen]

how you shouldn't discuss traumatic past family events at the first meeting but keep it on neutral, positive ground

I like this.  Even when people voluntarily talk about traumatic past family events, it can leave them feeling yucky afterwards.  Sometimes for a long time.  Maybe I'm off base, but I'm thinking that your goal for the first meeting is to have enough of a mutual good feeling, that you both look forward to meeting a second time.  I would foster convo about positive things, and focus on getting to know each other, rather than spending much time on family members or family history, unless of course that's what you both want from it. But otherwise, for this meeting, I would try to focus primarily on each other, and positive things, so that you both have a desire to meet again at the end of it.

I think you've put a lot of thought into your draft.  I'm assuming you would draw on it in spits and spurts if he asks questions which prompt these responses (rather than saying it in one go).

My suggestion for convo around family would be to keep it simple.  If he says something like "I wish I had more family in my life", you could reply with "I wish we could have spent more time together too", and see where he goes with that.

I once called a cousin I didn't know from an airport, because I was trying to reach her mom (my aunt) whom I was hoping to visit on my trip.  Oh my.  This cousin spilled her guts to me for an hour and I heard about all her problems including her sex life with her H.  It was one of the worst cases I ever experienced of someone crossing social boundaries with someone they didn't even know.  I had only met her one or two other times (briefly) in my life.  She couldn't find an end, and I finally had to lie and say my plane was boarding (it wasn't), and hang up.  I did not feel good after that convo.  All I had wanted was some info about my aunt.  So I'm hopeful nothing similar happens unless you both agree you want to go there.  If you're not sure about a topic, I would ask "is this something we are sure we want to talk about today, or should we get to know each other some more first?"  It really depends what you want from the meeting.  I would also plan how to have fun getting to know him.  "what is your funniest memory of...?"  "What do you like to do in your spare time?"  "What's your favourite movie (or song)?" "Who do you most admire in your life?"  What's your favourite animal?" Maybe... he says rabbit... but all is not lost as long as it's not coyote or lynx!

[missing NC]

I am thrilled for you Teabunny. It was clever of you to find inspiration and concrete tips from adoption reunification materials as there is some similarity. 

I wonder if just saying that your parents don't keep in close contact with you is enough of a precursor or response to any topics that might come up regarding your nuclear family. 

Best wishes for a pleasant visit with your cousin.   

[Teabunny]

I should have mentioned that in a previous post I was quoting the adoption blog tips and not asking questions...ha, they read like questions the way I formatted it. Should've been notes that I found useful, not questions.

I know it'll take restraint for me not to pepper him with family questions this first meeting. I want to know All the Things. Why did my aunt stop sending cards to me, is she dead or ok? What were our grandparents like? How did the family spend Christmases in the old family home (what activities did you do together)? Can you tell me how many living relatives we have (names)? Who are the people in these photos your sister sent me of our family?

All The Things! 

I suspect they know more about me/my life than I know of them, because they've had a direct communication line with my dad who may have shared details for decades, so I'm going to meet a stranger who knows me and assumes I know about him. Weird. BPD does horrible complicated things to families!

[missing NC]

"BPD does horrible complicated things to families!"

~ Amen!

[Teabunny]

I would also plan how to have fun getting to know him.  "what is your funniest memory of...?"  "What do you like to do in your spare time?"  "What's your favourite movie (or song)?" "Who do you most admire in your life?"  What's your favourite animal?" Maybe... he says rabbit... but all is not lost as long as it's not coyote or lynx!

I love these suggestions! I will ask him. And you're funny, too   Thanks!

I'm assuming you would draw on it in spits and spurts if he asks questions which prompt these responses (rather than saying it in one go).

Absolutely. I was worried about various questions he may ask (and my responding with silence and staring wide-eyed) so prepped a script for those.

I wonder if just saying that your parents don't keep in close contact with you is enough of a precursor or response to any topics that might come up regarding your nuclear family.

 

I wish it were enough! Easier. But the assumption among these cousins is that I would be calling my parents often, so in my culture the job of keeping in contact is the child's. I don't want it to sound like I've gone No Contact with my parents, or, that we are temporarily in a fight about something and I'm not speaking to them (because those things aren't true, have never been true). Oddly, both mom and dad posted on my social media wall this week... neither parent follows me closely online so this was surprising to me. That also gives the impression that they are contacting me, so I can't just say they're not in contact. (I wonder if my parents know I'm meeting my cousin or if it's a coincidence.) Plus I used to live with my parents as a child, it would be odd for me to say we aren't in close contact nowadays so I don't know hardly anything about you cousins/family (I'm still getting their names right, need to ask how they refer to themselves so I call them by their preferred name abbreviation). Hard to believe, I think.

[Teabunny]

Update:
My cousin and I were able to visit! It was surreal. I think the visit went pretty well. We have a few things in common, and I think we both enjoyed the activities and chatting. Geographic distance makes this impossible for regular visits but if given any chance in the future, we plan to meet up again. And to keep in touch. He did directly ask how mom was and despite the script I went deer in headlights and just mumbled something, but then he didn't pry, which was nice. We stuck to things like hobbies and movies, work life etc. There were some really awkward moments! And a lot of underlying sadness due to his difficult situation in work and family life. But the energy of the day was generally caring and considerate. It was fun to hear about his future dream job and life! I feel overall mixed about being close / family with this cousin, still processing. I want it to be a safe, healthy family relationship but if I had to bet a million bucks I guess maybe it's not. Still, I will TREASURE our visit and the photo we took together!

[missing NC]

   I am thrilled for you Teabunny. It sounds like both you and your cousin handled the conversational bumps with grace and forged a positive connection.